Fearing the Christmas rush
November 23rd 2006 02:01
Christmas is without a doubt my absolute favourite time of the year.
The rushing, busyness, excitement, stress, family values, endless cards, get-togethers and parties. WOW, sometimes I can hardly wait till it all comes around.
The most difficult part for me this year is I just can’t cope. I get so terribly anxious when I step out into the real world. Everyone and everything is moving too fast. I think I will stumble, fall, get swallowed up in all the commotion.
Yesterday I had to make a payment on a Christmas lay-by. I stressed so terribly bad before I went and the whole time I was out. I even paid off almost all the lay-by so I didn’t have to go back again soon. I used to love shopping. I didn’t have to spend money, just looking and dreaming was enough to keep my occupied for hours. Now, I try to stay at home as much as I can, fearing the world and all it has to offer. Some days I think I will cope well, but I still find myself putting off everything that brings me into any sort of situation outside of my own home. I have found myself shopping online for Christmas gifts. The delivery drivers know just where to come and never judge my instability. They know to wait a bit in-case I’m at the other end of the house or in the bathroom. They know I am slow to get to the door. They know I can’t go for a walk, so if the car isn’t there then I wont be either. For some reason this comforts me. I don’t have to ignore stares or be scared that someone will knock into me or trip me accidentally. I don’t have to face people I know asking me how I’m going, are you better?, is this permanent?
Almost happily I am isolating myself more and more, developing a whole new world. Sometimes not even looking back, other times, stopping, looking and crying uncontrollably at how my life has changed. Although my husband re-assures me I will get through this, that although I am missing the life I once had, I still have a whole new life ahead of me. I should be excited at a whole new world. A different lifestyle, different opportunities (whatever they may be) and most defiantly a new way of appreciating the precious life I have. Lost in though gazing into the hills, one day I will have a peace and contentment.
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The rushing, busyness, excitement, stress, family values, endless cards, get-togethers and parties. WOW, sometimes I can hardly wait till it all comes around.
The most difficult part for me this year is I just can’t cope. I get so terribly anxious when I step out into the real world. Everyone and everything is moving too fast. I think I will stumble, fall, get swallowed up in all the commotion.
Yesterday I had to make a payment on a Christmas lay-by. I stressed so terribly bad before I went and the whole time I was out. I even paid off almost all the lay-by so I didn’t have to go back again soon. I used to love shopping. I didn’t have to spend money, just looking and dreaming was enough to keep my occupied for hours. Now, I try to stay at home as much as I can, fearing the world and all it has to offer. Some days I think I will cope well, but I still find myself putting off everything that brings me into any sort of situation outside of my own home. I have found myself shopping online for Christmas gifts. The delivery drivers know just where to come and never judge my instability. They know to wait a bit in-case I’m at the other end of the house or in the bathroom. They know I am slow to get to the door. They know I can’t go for a walk, so if the car isn’t there then I wont be either. For some reason this comforts me. I don’t have to ignore stares or be scared that someone will knock into me or trip me accidentally. I don’t have to face people I know asking me how I’m going, are you better?, is this permanent?
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