Life and Times in Hollyweird - An honest take on the day to day lifestyle of a struggling filmmaker living in Hollywood. Featuring tips and advice on the craft of screenwriting.

Life and Times in Hollyweird

5 of the Worst Movies in Recent Memory

September 11th 2008 00:19

5 of the Worst Movies in Recent Memory
written by: John Darko

2008 has seen some great films like The Dark Knight and Wall-e but how about those stinkers?

Sometimes, I'll flip over the cover and skim the synopsis; in hopes to see if the story might strike an interest. On stranger afternoon's, I'll stroll in wearing my pajamas, close my eyes and grab a new release...but the majority of the time, I'll just pick up something familiar - or - commercially viable. Because sometimes I just don't have the energy and I know that I can also be overly indecisive.

So, here are five flicks I urge you to stay away from, no matter how shiny that DVD cover may seem to be.

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Doomsday

Director: Neil Marshall Genre: Action/Adventure

Theatrical Release Date: March 14, 2008

Plot: A futuristic action thriller where a team of people work to prevent a disaster threatening the future of the human race.

Now here's a classic case of good director turned bad. Neil Marshall everyone, directed The Descent. Not a great film but it was good for what it was. I enjoyed it and I kind of dug the fact that he used basic scare elements and applied them to a genuinely frightening situation. You didn't really see the creatures in that cave till halfway into the movie; he had us on our toes the whole time. This is what a good suspense/horror flick is meant to do. So, good job Neil!

Needless to say, I was actually expecting good things from his latest effort, Doomsday. But unfortunately folks, this movie blows. I can't even muster up enough words to form a sentence when I'm thinking about how mad I was, when I forced myself to sit through this film. It looked like somebody gave him a ton of cash and said "Hey Neil, go crazy!" and even with all that money, the production value (in all sincerity) still amounted to an epic "made for the sci-fi channel" movie of the week.

My favorite part is when Rhona Mitra's character pops out her bionic eyeball to spy on lurkers from around the corner. Oh, my. So, what is this about? I can't even tell you. I guess there's this pandemic and everybody almost dies and stuff, then skip to the future and like everyone is all crazy and stuff, they like to eat people and kill things with like neon arrows and crazy mo-hawks. Ugh. I'm moving on.

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Alone in the Dark (special edition)

Director: Uwe Boll Genre: Horror/Suspense

Theatrical Release Date: January 28, 2005

Plot: Based on the video game, Alone in the Dark focuses on Edward Carnby, a detective of the paranormal, who slowly unravels a mysterious event with deadly results.

This movie is almost 4 years old now but I don't care, they just put out a special edition with a new glossy cover, like that's going to change anything. Hey, if it's hiding out somewhere on the new release wall then it deserves to be on this list.

Okay, wow...where do I start? This film was directed by the master of disaster, Uwe Boll. Who is famously known for his movie adaptations of some of the worst video games I have ever played. Just run a simple google search and you'll see that there are actual online petitions to stop the distribution of his films. He's even challenged critics to boxing matches. His latest target was Michael Bay. Google it.

Here's one of my favorite review quotes about Alone in the Dark.

The late Gene Siskel once devised a simple method of measuring a film's worth: Is this film more interesting than a documentary of the same actors having lunch? 'Alone in the Dark doesn't come close to matching that standard' says Rossiter Drake of the San Francisco Examiner.

Tara Reid who plays an archaeologist, can't seem to hold her own with the complicated structure of a formatted screenplay. It almost seems as if she's reading off of a set of cue cards and the person who is holding them is actually playing a trick on our beloved party girl by holding them upside down. Christian Slater is just as bad. The effects are cheesy and the story line is not efficient enough to hold your attention. Rather, you will be too busy laughing at the performances to even care.

Ya know what; I recommend you see this movie at least once, it's a riot.

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Shutter

Director: Masayuki Ochiai Genre: Horror/Suspense

Theatrical Release Date: March 21, 2008

Plot: A newly married couple discovers disturbing, ghostly images in photographs they develop after a tragic accident. Fearing the manifestations may be connected; they investigate and learn that some mysteries are better left unsolved.

I was a fan of the original and that's all I'm going to say on the matter. Sad to see it tank here in the states.

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10,000 BC

Director: Roland Emmerich Genre: Action/Adventure

Theatrical Release Date: March 7, 2008

Plot: A prehistoric epic that follows a young mammoth hunter's journey through uncharted territory to secure the future of his tribe.

100 million dollar piece of ***t.

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Meet the Spartans

Director: Jason Friedberg, Aaron Seltzer Genre: Comedy/Spoof

Theatrical Release Date: Jan 25, 2008

Plot: In Sparta when babies where born they would check them for defects. If they had anything wrong with them they would reject it. Huh?

When you're getting made fun of for making fun of someone else, then you know you've done something terribly wrong. The guys who made this film were probably tired of getting their shorts pulled down in phys ed class, so much so, they swore to one day attack the bigger guy, someone or something worthy enough of all their years of pre-pubescent torture. Unfortunately for us, they landed writing gigs in Hollywood.

I like spoof comedies. Take a look at Mel Brooks i.e. Spaceballs, Robin Hood: Men in Tights, Blazing Saddles and Young Frankenstein. How about...This is Spinal Tap or perhaps Airplane? What about Leslie Nielsen and the 100 spoof comedies he's starred in? These are all classic flicks. Hell, even Scary Movie 1 and 2 were funny and commercially successful.

What happened? I mean, it's sad; we are now heavily sedated with these doses of obscure paparazzi centered realty shows, almost to the point of numbness where we can't even distinguish when someone is making fun of us. In Meet the Spartans, we are the ones getting are trousers pulled to the ground and it's not even funny.

Have you guys seen Idiocracy by Mike Judge? (Creator of Office Space, King of the Hill) Go rent it, then re-read this post. That is the closest rendition of what our future might look like if we keep farting around. Hey, Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer! Stop it already; you're not helping the cause.

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RUNNER UP: THE HOTTIE & THE NOTTIE

There you have it. I hope I didn't offend anybody with my opinions. These are only my suggestions. We all look out a different window. Although I'm pretty sure, some of these films are unanimously stinky. What do you think?

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Review: Towelhead is a Brave and Unsettling Film yet Lighthearted and Funny

September 11th 2008 00:13

Review: Towelhead is a Brave and Unsettling Film yet Lighthearted and Funny
written by: John Darko

Towelhead is a brave film; just take a look at the title. There’s no doubt this movie at times, can be uncomfortable to watch but never have I seen characters so multi-layered that from one second to the next, I’ll be laughing out loud then suddenly sitting at the edge of my seat, jarringly shifting in the uncomforting and unsettling nuances of the film’s main story.

Alan Ball (American Beauty) makes his feature-film debut and does a fantastic job crafting life-like characters as it was almost an effortless task while seamlessly perpetuating the plot by navigating through controversial subject matter and comedic prose.

Towelhead opens up on our main character Jasira (Summer Bishil) a 13-year old, half-Lebanese girl living at home with her mother Gail (Maria Bello). Jasira’s mother sends her to live with her father Rifat (Peter Macdissi) because of an unforgettable event that opens the movie, suddenly causing Jasira to deal with her womanhood in an unlikely fashion. Jasira now has to deal with new friends, new neighbors and a new school while battling the unfortunates of puberty. During the course of the film, she meets an ensemble of odd characters. There’s the racist neighbor Mr. Vuoso (Aaron Eckhart) who happens to be an Army reservist waiting for his call to duty as George Bush, Sr. dukes it out with Saddam. There’s the new boyfriend which her too-proud-for-his-own-good father does not approve of because the color of his skin. Then there’s the peace-loving hippies; pregnant Melina (Toni Collette) and Gil (Matt Letscher) who oddly enough seem to actually care about Jasira’s well-being making sure that unsavory characters like Mr. Vuoso don’t take advantage of the young and confused Lolita, Jasira.

aaron eckhart and summer bishil

At first, what seems like harmless curiosity quickly turns into a sexual obsession. Ball dances on the lines of disturbia exploring sexual themes too explicit for general audiences such as rape and pre-teenage sex, but nevertheless he does so in a manner that doesn’t seem offensive, if that makes any sense. Towelhead is a heavy flick yet light enough to hopefully make people comfortable with the issues it presses. At times the movie demands your attention then shifts into familiar territory by poking fun at its own subject matter rather then to elude the deeper meaning by shying away from the obvious. Alan has done this before with American Beauty.

The performances are stellar, especially Summer Bishil turning in a fantastic debut. Peter Macdissi is a return to form, evoking the mad art teacher he once played in Alan Ball’s Six Feet Under. Eckhart was good as usual, playing the conflicted role. Toni Collette and Matt Letcher share some great scenes as well as Maria Bello and Eugene Jones III who stars as Thomas, Jasira’s new boyfriend.

Quirky, risky, funny, compelling and unsettling are all words that you can use in one sentence when describing this film. I highly recommend Towelhead to anyone looking for something different. Yes, it’s an independent flick but it feels like more, bigger in a sense; in fact this will be Warner Independent’s last release due to the latest restructure at Warners. All in all: great movie, stellar acting, precise directing, beautiful aesthetic and wonderful score (Thomas Newman).

4 out of 5 stars.

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How to Sell a Spec Script: A Marketplace on Fire!

September 11th 2008 00:03

How to Sell a Spec Script: A Marketplace on Fire!
written by: John Darko

So you’ve written your first, second or maybe even your third screenplay, and by now you’re sitting around feeling accomplished, the weight has been lifted, you start to feel lighter and suddenly you float on to a wave of confidence perpetuating your consciences into thinking that; you’ve just finished writing a great story and it’s about time somebody reads it.

The good news is; you’re right. Initially you will always be entitled to your self-righteousness that is of course until somebody begs to differ, but you know this…you’re a spec writer with all the original ideas. Now, here’s the bad news: nobody in Hollywood cares about spec scripts anymore. Well, that’s not entirely true, there are people still genuinely interested in finding fresh material, grant it if the screenplay is being represented by a third party. Sad to say, if you’re on the opposite side of the fence, the ratio is rather unfavorable until you find someone to rep you. Finding an agent or a manger is a daunting task, which might possibly scare you into believe negative stereotypes regarding green screenwriters. Green is a term they use in the business to identify those with little or no experience.

Just in case you haven’t the slightest clue of what a spec script is -or- what warrants a script to be considered spec, then please allow me to explain.

A spec script is a "speculative" screenplay, one that the Variety slanguage dictionary defines as being shopped or sold on the open market, as opposed to one commissioned by a studio or production company. In other words, an original script with nobody attached is considered a speculative property until a legitimate producer signs on thus making the project live.

*** The importance of representation *** source: wikipedia

The process of going out with a spec script can be an extremely tense and nerve-wracking one for a writer. If the writer has an agent, the agent will identify a number of prospective buyers who may range from small independent producers to executives working in the major studios, and attempt to build up heat under the script. The script is sent out simultaneously to all the prospective buyers, usually to be read over the weekend, in the hope of attracting a bidding war.

Sounds like a headache, right? I would know, I’m experiencing these scenarios first-hand and at the moment it’s stressful but there is light at the end of that tunnel. Luckily we are at a time where spec scripts are becoming hot commodities, first time writers are suddenly striking million dollar deals with top notch studios and production companies are signing writers left and right, trying their best to stock up on material for whatever preemptive strike maybe coming next. My advice, read the trades. You’ll need to better associate yourself with the business before going in head first, personally, I’ll do whatever it takes to better the odds. Every little bit helps.

So, what triggered the feeding frenzy? Well, it’s complicated. A few major studios have closed shop (New Line) including specialty production companies such as Warner Independent, sad to say because I enjoyed their release catalog but basically the heavyweight buyers are stepping in to fill the gaps. There are more reasoning factors in play here but let’s focus on the good parts of this article rather then the politics.

Okay, well how do I get a piece of the action? Well first and foremost, you’ll need a great script and as I stated earlier, you are always entitled to your own self-righteousness; just make sure you truly believe it. Now, you’ll need to focus on finding an agent or a manager who will help promote you as a viable screenwriter. Here’s the irony; most agencies won’t accept your submission without another form of representation or some type of referral behind it, leaving the inexperienced with very little choices. The other day I was talking to an assistant for one of the bigger agencies in Hollywood, and I was trying to get the name of the person in charge of handling new clients, (never send out query letters addressed to: whom it may concern) instead I was forwarded to a handful of different agencies that may be, in fact: better suited for my needs. So, let’s talk about these options.
screenwriter working

Obviously the big firms such as ICM, CAA, UTA, William Morris and Endeavor function on the; don’t call us, we’ll call you method. I mean it’s logical, think about how many people are trying to be screenwriters and in turn how many of them are legitimately talented. They wouldn’t be exclusive if everybody was able to get in. Now there are smaller boutique agencies that have the power of bigger firms, just with smaller offices. Don’t expect a white-on-white Bentley as a signing bonus either, i.e. Mark Wahlberg. These particular agencies are run by working professionals with uber amounts of experience looking for a more intimate setting. They also accept first-person query letters and since you’ve made it this far, I’ll give you the name of two reputable sources you should seek out now: Benderspink and the KSGB Agency. The others you can find on your own steam or you can catch me in an e-mail and I might oblige.

Next, you’ll want to ready your introduction via a query letter which is, usually a one-page description of your film, with a very short biography carefully intertwined within that description. There is a phenomenal article on the subject of breaking the ice located here at www.wordplayer.com including letter samples and everything else you need to do to prepare yourself. Wordplayer is a column heavy website dedicated to the art of screenwriting - written by Terry Rossio (Academy Award ®-nominated writer of Shrek and Pirates of The Caribbean 1, 2 & 3).

Of course, there are other ways to get your script read. Most of these tactics belong to the unorthodox fair, you can always jump some producer’s fence and leave your screenplay at their door which might be illegal -or- you can start a website and write a ton of material about screenwriting, hoping that someone might take notice of your work. I prefer the second choice, obviously. Either way, there’s work to be done! Pick up the trades, browse the internet for screenwriting groups, attend seminars, write, be prolific, be self-sufficient, write some more, start a website, and most of all be happy or at least look happy; when performing all of the above.

The marketplace won’t be on fire for long, “I think this year is unique because of the strike” says Jake Wagner, Energy Entertainment. “I see this going strong through the summer as well. And fall is typically a time where there’s a lot of spec buying going on, so I see it continuing throughout the rest of the year” says Wagner. Well, let’s hope so.

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