Letter to a Cat
June 25th 2009 08:43
In honor of Morgan's cute cat pics - I still want a Panther Cub - I found this letter online by a person known only as Craig.
Dear Cat,
I have some issues with you right now that I would like to hash out. And now is as good a time as any with you laying over my arms while I am trying to type on the computer. You don't even look comfortable and you can't breathe lying like that with your butt higher up than your head but your brain is the size of a walnut so I will forgive you.
First of all, the litterbox. Is it your goal to poop on the rim of the box? Because if it is, bravo! Mission accomplished, you can stop now. You have proved your point. It is not funny anymore, and I have run out of sticks in the yard to clean it off with. The box is big enough, and you are still small, so don't even go there.
Now... making pointless, incessant noises. If I take something away from you because I am tired of hearing it scoot across the floor for the last 2 hours, it does not mean to go find something else to mess with. I mean really where do you find this stuff? A wad of paper? A bottle cap? Is that really that fun to play with?
I put things on the coffee table because I want them there. I do not want you to knock EVERYTHING off of the coffee table in one of your mindless "tearing ass through the house for no reason" adventures every single day. Once in a while, it is amusing. Every day, it's not that funny.
Your ass stinks. I mean REALLY stinks. Like the worst poop you've ever smelled. Why do you smell soooo horrible? I thought cats were clean! I have never experienced this smelly, stinky cat phenomena with any other cat on this Earth. Why, God, did you give me the most stinky cat in this solar system? And Cat, why do you insist on showing me your ass? I know it stinks, but what am I supposed to do about it? Bathe you??? LOL! Remember the last time that happened? I still have the scars... Also, when you sit on my arm, please have the kindness to put your tail over your butthole so it doesn't come into contact with my skin. I might catch something.
Lastly, I am allergic to you. I know this isn't your fault, but knowing this, why do you insist on rubbing the whole length of your body on my face? Okay... I just pulled a CATHAIR out of my eye. No wonder my eyes are itchy if you are purposefully depositing your dander into my eyes! What are you trying to prove here? That you know I'm stuck with you? While you're busy carrying things about the house in your mouth to deposit them into some area that I haven't discovered yet- would you mind bringing me a peice of sandpaper to me so that I can alleviate the itching you've caused me? Oh- while we're on this subject, I need my hair ties back- I know you have them. Thanks.
Haha
Yawning Cat
Dear Cat,
I have some issues with you right now that I would like to hash out. And now is as good a time as any with you laying over my arms while I am trying to type on the computer. You don't even look comfortable and you can't breathe lying like that with your butt higher up than your head but your brain is the size of a walnut so I will forgive you.
Now... making pointless, incessant noises. If I take something away from you because I am tired of hearing it scoot across the floor for the last 2 hours, it does not mean to go find something else to mess with. I mean really where do you find this stuff? A wad of paper? A bottle cap? Is that really that fun to play with?
I put things on the coffee table because I want them there. I do not want you to knock EVERYTHING off of the coffee table in one of your mindless "tearing ass through the house for no reason" adventures every single day. Once in a while, it is amusing. Every day, it's not that funny.
Lastly, I am allergic to you. I know this isn't your fault, but knowing this, why do you insist on rubbing the whole length of your body on my face? Okay... I just pulled a CATHAIR out of my eye. No wonder my eyes are itchy if you are purposefully depositing your dander into my eyes! What are you trying to prove here? That you know I'm stuck with you? While you're busy carrying things about the house in your mouth to deposit them into some area that I haven't discovered yet- would you mind bringing me a peice of sandpaper to me so that I can alleviate the itching you've caused me? Oh- while we're on this subject, I need my hair ties back- I know you have them. Thanks.
Haha
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Comment by Morgan Bell
Science News
Deep Pencil
Business News
Movie Train
Artist Quirk
i wonder if panthers would carry on like that?
Comment by Wilson Pon
Health 2 Know
Adventure Toes
Techno Stuffs
boxing sound
Business Rope
Fun Places 2 Travel
In this case, the cat would has this thought, "Oh God, please spare me from this lunatic (Just kiddding)"...
Comment by Jason King
Sydney Table
Salty Popcorn
Total Randomness
I could imagine the panthers would be a little worse - you would have to add to it - eating the neighbors pets and scratching poor miss mangles left hand off. Haha. I still want one.
Wilson - I always talk to my cat - I am sure he understands. And yes he thinks I am a lunatic
Comment by Cheryl J
Rhythmatism
Zentertainment
Budget Centsability
I just had to deliver my friend's cat to him (he moved interstate) and she had been staying with his former housemate for a while. I hadn't seen her in weeks so when I got there she was all over me like a rash with the 'I love you' cuddles and then remembered that I had *abandoned* her for a while so she looked me in the eyes, bit me and then stuck her bum in my face hahaha. I was forgiven again after that and got more cuddles. Cats rule!
Comment by Kleonaptra
Kalikapsychosis
I still crack up every time. Except when they attempt to take out the DVD player. Then Its on.
And as for litter, mums kitten likes to dig in every box (we have 6) put litter all over the floor....But use none of them. Why? Why?
Comment by Jason King
Sydney Table
Salty Popcorn
Total Randomness
When mum first met my stepdad he had just over 20 cats that pretty much ran the property he lived on - feeding time was a madhouse. My cat is now an outside toilet visitor - better for both of us.