The frightening truth
February 4th 2008 04:39
I read the other day a terrifying statistic; up to 1% of the Australian population are suffering from an eating disorder of sorts. I asked around my friends about their opinion and was a little scared by the story I got from one of them.
When Kate was watching one of her closest friends struggle with anorexia, she had no idea what she should do. “I felt sad for her, helpless to help, intellectually I understood the illness but emotionally I couldn’t understand why she wouldn’t get better and decide to help herself. I could never fully understand how someone could deprive themselves of food when hungry!”
So that got me thinking; if we are faced with watching someone we love struggle with an eating disorder, what can we do to not only help them but to also help ourselves to cope effectively?
Speculation about celebrities and their supposed eating disorders fill entire sections in gossip magazines, and a starlet’s supposed weight loss, however slight, has almost become a guarantee of an anorexia label being slapped on her. However what needs to be understood is that this illness has nothing to do with entertainment and is in fact a very private and difficult struggle for the sufferers and their friends and families.
Unfortunately the characteristics of both these eating disorders aren’t a mystery to many people; however what we should do if we are faced with the horror of watching someone we love struggle with an eating disorder often is.
“Often there is nothing they can do,” says Leanne from the Eating Disorder Association of Queensland (EDA.) “The main thing they can do is to maintain a good relationship with the person so that when the person decides that they do want help they can turn to their family and friends.”
The prospect of standing by and watching a loved one suffer and knowing that there is nothing that can be personally done to make them better is a terrifying one and can often result in every spare bit of time and energy being dedicated to “helping” them. However by doing this we run the possibility of overlooking any problems of our own that have arisen as a direct result of living with an eating disorder. Feelings of grief, confusion, betrayal, helplessness and especially guilt and anger are very common in this situation, as well as more serious problems like depression and anxiety. Although it is perfectly normal to feel these emotions in this situation, if they are left unresolved they may become more serious or else lead to outbursts and changes in your behaviour which could very well permanently damage the very relationship you are trying to salvage.
“A lot of family members feel guilt; they think “have I contributed to this or is this something I did?”…and it’s not just did they cause it but also that they can’t cure it. So a lot of the guilt is about wanting to believe that you did contribute to it because then you must be able to do something to fix it. So we have to tell people that it’s really nothing that you did and it’s not under your control,” says Leanne.
While it may seem selfish to be thinking about yourself and your own problems at such a crucial time, sometimes it is necessary for the well- being of all people concerned. The best defence against these problems is knowledge; actually understanding what your friend or family member is going through, why they are harming themself in this way and what is going on in their head.
“Because they [the friends/families] don’t understand, they often feel like “why don’t they just eat? Why are they doing this? Why don’t they stop exercising?”…the important thing is to see the eating disorder as separate from the person which is what we call externalising the problem. The person isn’t the problem, the problem is the problem,” says Leanne.
By understanding this, it then becomes possible to work with the person against the eating disorder rather than simply against the person and trying to force them to get better, which will achieve very little other than driving them away.
The first hurdle most friends and family members face is their confusion about the eating disorder; including the different aspects of it that they will face as well as the lengthy and difficult recovery process. Most importantly you will need to understand that it isn’t simply a matter of trying to get them to stop exercising and to eat again but that it is in fact much more complicated. Talking to a professional or someone with a deeper understanding of the characteristics of eating disorders would be the first (and most necessary) step to make to be able to understand what is ahead of you both. Additionally, outside support is vital. Being able to talk to someone about what you are personally struggling with on a daily basis can help you to cope more efficiently and be able to provide the support that is needed from you. In many cities there are eating disorder organisations that provide professional help as well as group classes for family and friends to talk to each other about their experiences.
The second hurdle that many people face is trying to understand and accept that it isn’t their fault that their friend/family member developed an eating disorder and that realistically there is very little that can be done to help them until they want to help themselves. Although it is legal to make a child under 18 years old see a doctor or therapist against their will, chances are that it will achieve very little other than animosity on their part. Rather than trying to force your will on them, instead attempt to express your fears and concerns to them using “I” phrases to encourage them to listen to you.
Phrases such as “I am concerned you are hurting yourself,” “I am worried about you” or “I’m afraid you will die” allow everyone to discuss their concerns openly, without judgement, animosity or the possibility of alienation.
But the most difficult aspect to face about living with an eating disorder; and the one that usually leads to people trying to force someone to get better, is watching their mental and physical capacities diminish. Walking for any extended period of time can often prove to be exhausting, and concentrating on a movie or a book may be beyond them.
Unfortunately these characteristics of an eating disorder are all too often unavoidable, but it is important to keep in mind that despite this, they are the same person you once laughed and had fun with because this will be one of the most difficult things to watch and unfortunately is also the point where a lot of people want to walk away from watching someone struggle with an eating disorder for their own self preservation.
Just remember, this might seem like an easy solution when things become too much for you but it will neither make you feel better or make the problem go away. Love and support, as hard as it may be to give unconditionally sometimes, is what they need most
When Kate was watching one of her closest friends struggle with anorexia, she had no idea what she should do. “I felt sad for her, helpless to help, intellectually I understood the illness but emotionally I couldn’t understand why she wouldn’t get better and decide to help herself. I could never fully understand how someone could deprive themselves of food when hungry!”
So that got me thinking; if we are faced with watching someone we love struggle with an eating disorder, what can we do to not only help them but to also help ourselves to cope effectively?
Speculation about celebrities and their supposed eating disorders fill entire sections in gossip magazines, and a starlet’s supposed weight loss, however slight, has almost become a guarantee of an anorexia label being slapped on her. However what needs to be understood is that this illness has nothing to do with entertainment and is in fact a very private and difficult struggle for the sufferers and their friends and families.
Unfortunately the characteristics of both these eating disorders aren’t a mystery to many people; however what we should do if we are faced with the horror of watching someone we love struggle with an eating disorder often is.
“Often there is nothing they can do,” says Leanne from the Eating Disorder Association of Queensland (EDA.) “The main thing they can do is to maintain a good relationship with the person so that when the person decides that they do want help they can turn to their family and friends.”
The prospect of standing by and watching a loved one suffer and knowing that there is nothing that can be personally done to make them better is a terrifying one and can often result in every spare bit of time and energy being dedicated to “helping” them. However by doing this we run the possibility of overlooking any problems of our own that have arisen as a direct result of living with an eating disorder. Feelings of grief, confusion, betrayal, helplessness and especially guilt and anger are very common in this situation, as well as more serious problems like depression and anxiety. Although it is perfectly normal to feel these emotions in this situation, if they are left unresolved they may become more serious or else lead to outbursts and changes in your behaviour which could very well permanently damage the very relationship you are trying to salvage.
“A lot of family members feel guilt; they think “have I contributed to this or is this something I did?”…and it’s not just did they cause it but also that they can’t cure it. So a lot of the guilt is about wanting to believe that you did contribute to it because then you must be able to do something to fix it. So we have to tell people that it’s really nothing that you did and it’s not under your control,” says Leanne.
While it may seem selfish to be thinking about yourself and your own problems at such a crucial time, sometimes it is necessary for the well- being of all people concerned. The best defence against these problems is knowledge; actually understanding what your friend or family member is going through, why they are harming themself in this way and what is going on in their head.
“Because they [the friends/families] don’t understand, they often feel like “why don’t they just eat? Why are they doing this? Why don’t they stop exercising?”…the important thing is to see the eating disorder as separate from the person which is what we call externalising the problem. The person isn’t the problem, the problem is the problem,” says Leanne.
By understanding this, it then becomes possible to work with the person against the eating disorder rather than simply against the person and trying to force them to get better, which will achieve very little other than driving them away.
The first hurdle most friends and family members face is their confusion about the eating disorder; including the different aspects of it that they will face as well as the lengthy and difficult recovery process. Most importantly you will need to understand that it isn’t simply a matter of trying to get them to stop exercising and to eat again but that it is in fact much more complicated. Talking to a professional or someone with a deeper understanding of the characteristics of eating disorders would be the first (and most necessary) step to make to be able to understand what is ahead of you both. Additionally, outside support is vital. Being able to talk to someone about what you are personally struggling with on a daily basis can help you to cope more efficiently and be able to provide the support that is needed from you. In many cities there are eating disorder organisations that provide professional help as well as group classes for family and friends to talk to each other about their experiences.
The second hurdle that many people face is trying to understand and accept that it isn’t their fault that their friend/family member developed an eating disorder and that realistically there is very little that can be done to help them until they want to help themselves. Although it is legal to make a child under 18 years old see a doctor or therapist against their will, chances are that it will achieve very little other than animosity on their part. Rather than trying to force your will on them, instead attempt to express your fears and concerns to them using “I” phrases to encourage them to listen to you.
Phrases such as “I am concerned you are hurting yourself,” “I am worried about you” or “I’m afraid you will die” allow everyone to discuss their concerns openly, without judgement, animosity or the possibility of alienation.
But the most difficult aspect to face about living with an eating disorder; and the one that usually leads to people trying to force someone to get better, is watching their mental and physical capacities diminish. Walking for any extended period of time can often prove to be exhausting, and concentrating on a movie or a book may be beyond them.
Unfortunately these characteristics of an eating disorder are all too often unavoidable, but it is important to keep in mind that despite this, they are the same person you once laughed and had fun with because this will be one of the most difficult things to watch and unfortunately is also the point where a lot of people want to walk away from watching someone struggle with an eating disorder for their own self preservation.
Just remember, this might seem like an easy solution when things become too much for you but it will neither make you feel better or make the problem go away. Love and support, as hard as it may be to give unconditionally sometimes, is what they need most
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