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Monster
Full of lies
Living in a live of deceits
No morals and self control
You have no conscience
You are a monster
Reflection of a melting figure
Like burning candles
Attaching to the filthy amalgamation of repugnant deeds
One over another
Slowly, painfully, stealthily
Sliding down, down and down
Your morals
You are a monster
A mask of sunshine and light
Barely hiding the darkness from within
Pain and blood seeping through
Black, solid and cold
The essence of a monster
No longer innocent
No longer forgivable
No longer alive
Sans heart, sans love, sans beauty
The Devil’s incarnation you are
All that remains is a pile of dirt
Black, solid and cold
Pushed aside in solitude
Silently lifted into the winter gust
Drifting into oblivion
Drifting into nothingness
Sometimes I wonder why people do particular things. Are they happy doing them? Do they get paid? If they are not happy doing them, why? Like those students putting up posters for blood-sucking big fat money-making corporates for their recruitment events on campus. What are they thinking when they are putting up those posters? I mean literally, it is not a rhectorical questions. I am intrigued. Maybe I will go and ask them one day.
And the other thing is, people always say, oh, it's a means to an end. But, what end? Have you thought about your end? If you don't know what is the end, why are you perfoming "the means" now? What's the point?
What is modern life about? Is it just about survival? Is it about doing something enjoyable? What do you enjoy doing? Nothing? If the end of modern life is to do what one wants, and if one wants to do nothing, can we conclude that life to this oneself is nothing?
Are we all to become photocopying machines, printers, Microsoft word, telephones? Are we destined to do something more than sacrificing our time, following orders and in the process churning out profits in which a large part of it we don't own? Or is it to aspire to be the ones who give out orders and own large part of the profits to which they did nothing to contribute?
Is there something more in you than to conform the conventional? Are you brave enough to break through it? Do you dare to walk the road less travelled by, the road not taken? Do you believe in destiny?
Do you know yourself? Why do people need to read the horoscopes, the Chinese calender, visit fortune tellers to have people tell you who you are and what you are suitable in doing? Do you know what you want to do in and with your life? Are you living your life to the full? What does it mean to you to live life to the full?
Questions, questions, questions about life.
About modern life.
About materialism.
About yourselves.
About monotony.
About aspirations and dreams, hopes and fear, courage and actions.
Too many boys in this moment of my life. What was the problem? Why did this all happen? When did it all start?
I know it's time to let go but I can't. I still like him a lot. It's not easy to let go of someone who has been around me closely in the past two years. I know this is the right decision a sensible and rational person should make. But neither am I sensible nore rational.
I know it's time cos I feel differently, partly because half of my energy, affection and attention are spent on anther person, partly because of guilt - the many times that I betrayed him, and his unrequitted love for me, his tenderness and attention.
I should be punished. Please take me to gellotine. Slit my wrist and drown me in the loo. I deserve all these. I am a monster.
I don't know why I am doing this. It is completely out of control now. And being the only one who knows does not help. The only way to sustain the situation is more lies. I don't want to lie anymore. I want to devote on one person, wholeheartedly. Plus, I have no time for two boys, or three, maybe four.
I know I still love him; I don't want to leave him yet. But the new sparkles and passion are just so luring and make me feel so good, so alive. If I continue to be devoted to him, I will be bored, as I have been in the past a year and a half. I need novelty and excitement in my life 0 changes. Perhaps I am too afraid of change, contrary to what I would have imagined myself to be five years ago.
I did try, but last time when I looked into his eyes. They were as bright and as blue as they have always been. I felt bad. Really bad.
The thought of losing him forever is just too painful. A very special person whom I did SO many things together in the past there years. But I know this day will come soon. I know that cos in the past 6 months I have done so many treally bad hings behind his back. Why did I do them? I really don't know. I really have no idea. Maybe I don't love him anymore? I do though, I still miss him when I am not with him. I still want to do things with him. Maybe not enough? Probably is. Maybe I want something new? Yes, most probably.
I think I just want both. HIm and excitement derived from new rendez-vous. Mais this is not right.
What to do... What to do...What to do...
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