Jon Mcleod

The nation of Kazakhstan is in a state of shock this morning as they wake up to the greatest humiliation in their footballing history.

Defeat to England in the World Cup qualifier at Almaty on Saturday night had been anticipated - but none of the pundits had foreseen a first competitive international goal in nine years for Emile Heskey. The Aston Villa target man scored England’s second goal, a wonder goal converted from an impossibly acute angle. The Kazakhstan side never recovered from the shock and went on to lose 4-0, leading to a national outpouring of grief with members of the Kazakh’s crack commando unit seen sobbing into their fellow officers’ arms at pitch-side.

Heskey, who is famed for his near post defending at corners, scored his last such goal against Denmark in the 2002 World Cup. Countries such as Finland, Iceland, Albania, South Korea, Slovakia, Liechtenstein, FYR Macedonia and Andorra have all managed to keep the big striker at bay. He now has seven goals in 53 internationals.

“It is the ultimate humiliation for our once proud nation of Kazakhstan,” said coach Bernd Storch as he fought back the tears at the side of the Central Stadium. “To concede a goal... I am sorry I just cannot speak of it.”

An hour later the Football Federation of Kazakhstan (FFK) announced that Storck had submitted his resignation, which was regretfully accepted. Storck was later spotted at the Aktau port, fleeing the country on a container ship for a more peaceful life in neighbouring Iran.

Meanwhile, England manager emerged from the dressing room after three hours of intensive treatment - though the doctors refused to reveal the cause of his temporary comatose state. Despite the sedatives, Capello was still seething.

“That is not what I picked him for,” raged the Italian. “That was not his role. I require discipline from my players, if I assign them a job I expect them to fulfil that job. Heskey was a renegade out there, he was out of control and I will think long and hard about his international future.”

But Capello did offer the Aston Villa man some hope as he reflected on the players contribution to England this season. “He has revolutionised the role of a striker, an attacking player, indeed he has transformed the game of football,” Capello said. “In the 20th century people thought a striker must score goals. That they must hit the back of the net. Ha, ha, ha how wrong they were! Of course we can look back and laugh now, but back then people really believed it. Honestly!

“Heskey has changed all that. He has transformed our perceptions of what a forward is, what a striker should do, and how we view the game. Incredible. He is a pioneer. A striker that does not score - he is a phenomenon.”

* This in no way reflects reality and is entrely untrue!

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Weakened teams - A final kick in the crotch??

May 22nd 2009 08:00

Whatever transpires on ‘survival Sunday’ – as Sky have dubbed it – there can be no complaints. Should Hull stay up thanks to Manchester United fielding a team of youngsters or should Middlesbrough or Newcastle profit from playing sides with nothing to play for (West Ham and Aston Villa), there can be no objections. Of course there will be, but we should be dismissed with disdain.

Everyone hopes to avoid the antics of a few seasons ago when Neil Warnock whined and wailed about the injustice of Sheffield United being relegated (he is still going). The Carlos Tevez case apart, he had no case then and nor will Hull’s rivals should Phil Brown’s team turnover Manchester United (an eventuality that looks unlikely). Teams play fixtures as they come and they must play the league table as it comes as well. They are in the position that they deserve and will be at the final whistle. More than luck and more than external factors, their final standing will depend on their own qualities or inadequacies over the season.

Manchester United have earned the right as Premier League Champions to field a ‘weakened’ team ahead of the Champions League final against Barcelona, as Middlesbrough, Sunderland and Newcastle have failed to secure their place in the topflight next season. I hope Sir Alex Ferguson does not pander to the of and field a team based purely on his teams own interests than attempt to intervene in some kind of justice mission to temper the guilt of a few seasons ago – he should have none. (Quite why Sheffield United were doing watching the announcement of the Manchester United team to play West Ham when they should have been preparing for their own game needing just a draw I don’t know).

There is an argument that a team of ravenous youngster and fringe players fighting for a place in the starting XI and on the bench for the Champions League final would be a stronger team. Certainly some of the bigger players will be anxious of playing a full game three days before the biggest game of their lives (no one wants to be robbed of the Crisyiano Ronaldo v Lionel Messi showdown in Rome).

Come Monday morning there can be no complaints. The teams who have failed to justify their place in the English topflight will have been exposed and cut adrift. Any manager who begs to differ and wails at the ‘injustice’ of it all should be shunned into submission.

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