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At dawn the telephone rings. "Hello, Senor Humphrey? This is Ernesto the caretaker at your country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, sir, that your parrot died"
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Si, that's the one."
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"
"From eating rotten meat."
"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody senor. He ate the meat of one of the dead horses."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thouroughbred, Mr. Lucky. He died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire."
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
"What the.....!!! But there's electricity at the house!!!! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?!"
"Your mother's...She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike Driver."
SILENCE...................."E rnesto if you broke that driver you're fired.!"Your text goes hereYour text goes here
Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them. Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos. Poor Carlos. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that if flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage. Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest and bent over to pick it up.
Then all the other bells started to ring.... Your text goes hereYour text goes here
A guy arrives at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted. St. Peter is
reading through the Big Book to see if the guy's name is written in it.
After several minutes, St. Peter closes the book, furrows his brow, and
says, "I'm sorry, I don't see your name written in the Book."
"How current is your copy?" he asks.
"I get a download every ten minutes," St. Peter replies, "why do you ask?"
"I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I was always the stubborn type. It was not
until my death was imminent that I cried out to God, so my name probably
hasn't arrived to your copy yet."
"I'm glad to hear that," Pete says, "but while we're waiting for the update
to come through, can tell me about a really good deed that you did in your
life?"
The guys thinks for a moment and says, "Humm, well there was this one time
when I was driving down a road and I saw a group of biker gang members
harassing this poor girl.
I slowed down, and sure enough, there they were, about 20 of them harassing
this poor woman.
Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and
walked up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy, 6-foot-4, 260
pounds, with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to
his ears.
As I walked up to the leader, the bikers formed a circle around me and told
me to get lost or I'd be next."
"So I ripped the leader's chain out of his face and smashed him over the
head with the tire iron.
Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, "Leave this poor
innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of SICK, deranged animals! Go home
before I really teach you a lesson in PAIN!"
St. Peter, duly impressed, says "Wow! When did this happen?"
"About three minutes ago."
Your text goes hereYour text goes here
A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court. But the custody of their children posed a problem. The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.
The man also wanted custody of his children. The judge asked for his side of the story too. After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied: "Judge, when I put a dollar into a vending machine, and a Pepsi comes out, does the Pepsi belong to me or to the machine?"
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Three nuns on a train had been getting to know one another and decided to tell each other what their greatest sins were.
The first nun says, "My greatest sin is sex. Every year I go out for a week and work as a prostitute. Of course, I put all the money I earn into the poor box."
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Exams question: Draw the female reproduction organ.
As the exam was on-going, a girl looked between her legs. A boy saw her and shouted "Sir, she's copying from the original." Your text goes here
A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress. After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She begins to drool. The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder''s pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point. Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door. He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?" She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"Your text goes hereYour text goes here
A neatly dressed salesman stopped a man in the street and asked -
"Sir, would you like to buy a a bottle of this mouthwash for $200.00?"
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The manager of a large corporation got a heart attack, and the doctor told him to go for several weeks to a farm to relax. The guy went to a farm, and after a couple of days he was very bored, so he asked the farmer to give him some job to do.
The farmer told him to clean up all of the cow manure. The farmer thought that to somebody coming from the city, working the whole life sitting in an office, it will take over a week to finish the job, but for his surprise the manager finished the job in less than one day.
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A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
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Comment by JOHNNY
on Bush Slogans for 2004
JOKES PALACE