Battle of the Heart
October 2nd 2007 00:42
Why does it have to be so frustrating, navigating this path? Why must there be so many complications, obscurities, so many unknown pieces of a picture your struggling to grasp.
Why do people approach the idea of gaining someone else's affections, as a battle? Why am I constantly told of tactics, or "plays", of how to gain the upper hand or lay down the rules? Why does it become some kind of silly conquest game?
Why am I different then, in wanting none of this?
I just want a relationship; an equal pairing of two like-minded people. I just want to state my intentions, my feelings, and get a response. This makes me naive, or simple, or foolish? I dont want to hear any more voices saying no, nay, I dont think so, I'm not sure of -- from within, as well as without. I want simplicity. Matters of the heart rarely involve that.
Hakunamatata; It means no worries. Well and truly my most desired mindset and yet it seems destined to elude me. I care, too much perhaps, for small things often become larger in your mind, if you over-think things. I desire, to be near you as soon as possible - an urge it seems, that wont bear any obstacles; makes for impulsive, perhaps rash, decisions. I love, and so seem destined to be hurt, at some stage, in some manner no matter how small -- its a shocking thing to realise words can actually cut or warm so much, even on a screen, on a page, a mouth.
Always, dialogue is discouraged. Don't talk too much, don't say the wrong thing, don't tell them that, tell them this, don't let them see how you truly feel - be aloof, be distant, be warm then, hot then ---just stop. I'm not a machine. This isn't a construction, a project. I'm not an actor, so I can't become anything I want to, or project any emotion I see fit.
I am me, and this is how it is.
I care.
Why do people approach the idea of gaining someone else's affections, as a battle? Why am I constantly told of tactics, or "plays", of how to gain the upper hand or lay down the rules? Why does it become some kind of silly conquest game?
Why am I different then, in wanting none of this?
I just want a relationship; an equal pairing of two like-minded people. I just want to state my intentions, my feelings, and get a response. This makes me naive, or simple, or foolish? I dont want to hear any more voices saying no, nay, I dont think so, I'm not sure of -- from within, as well as without. I want simplicity. Matters of the heart rarely involve that.
Hakunamatata; It means no worries. Well and truly my most desired mindset and yet it seems destined to elude me. I care, too much perhaps, for small things often become larger in your mind, if you over-think things. I desire, to be near you as soon as possible - an urge it seems, that wont bear any obstacles; makes for impulsive, perhaps rash, decisions. I love, and so seem destined to be hurt, at some stage, in some manner no matter how small -- its a shocking thing to realise words can actually cut or warm so much, even on a screen, on a page, a mouth.
Always, dialogue is discouraged. Don't talk too much, don't say the wrong thing, don't tell them that, tell them this, don't let them see how you truly feel - be aloof, be distant, be warm then, hot then ---just stop. I'm not a machine. This isn't a construction, a project. I'm not an actor, so I can't become anything I want to, or project any emotion I see fit.
I am me, and this is how it is.
I care.
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