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Is it Rude to ask for Money as a Wedding Gift?

March 10th 2008 23:57
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My partner and are getting married in two weeks, and instead of having a gift list we have set up a wishing well that asks people to contribute to the cost of the wedding or honeymoon.
Some people think it is rude to ask for money. The way I see it, we are not a young couple starting out. We were both over 30 when we met. We had both lived on our own for a long time and each had a household full of stuff. Now that we are living together, we have far too much stuff.
So instead of a getting extra toasters that we do not need (we already have two) we think this is a better idea. I have many friends from overseas so I have made it clear when they ask that just having them there would be enough of a gift. For those that have asked we have set up an online registry through which people can give if they want.
What do you think is it rude to ask for money?
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Comment by Dianna G

March 11th 2008 00:16


I Wish This Was 42
Fictional Worlds
I don't think so... I mean you have enough stuff and money's always the best gift anyway in my eyes so you can decide what to get.

Who knows what goes through other people's minds though?

Comment by Jarrah

March 11th 2008 00:36


Back to the Eighties
I wish it weren't so, but I certainly think its rude to ask for money. Maybe not from your parents or parents-in-law, but otherwise, its a severe no no.

I never wants gifts! The last thing I need is more possessions - I need to pay some bills!

But - this isn't our society.

I know u don't want to hear this, but the hard truth is, I really think some people are going be offended and think u are very rude.

Doesn't mean you can't do it though.LOL
- Jarrah

Back to the Eighties
www.backtotheeighties.net

Comment by Hazel Castillo

March 11th 2008 01:26


Working Title
Cirrus Cloud
Parent Adventures
In some culture it is rude to ask for money, while in other cultures it's actually customary to give money. To each his own.

We live in a more liberal world and frankly, in these times we need to be more practical. so if some guests think it's rude or even weird to be giving you money then simply make it clear, for those who want to, you'd appreciate cash more than any gift. I'm sure family and friends would understand.

Comment by Cibbuano

March 11th 2008 01:29


Hunt Famous
Orble Post of the Day
Fat Cult
Techbreak
I think it's fantastic to ask for money. Instead of registering, which is a ridiculous way to get excited about sutff - you can ask for money, which you can get excited about, to use for something you want.

I just feel that the stores that offer registries are the ones getting the presents...

Comment by Jane Martin

March 11th 2008 02:53
I don't think it's rude. When I got married 19 years ago, we put alot of thought into wording a note that was enclosed with our wedding invitations. The note asked for contributions to a "Money Tree", explaining that we needed to buy a new fridge and dining setting. We also explained that if people preferred to give a gift we would be most appreciative of that too.

We'd been living together for three years so we already had most household items. At the wedding reception, we had a Money Tree set up and people could pin their cards to it. There were a couple of people who chose to give gifts, but not many. I think it's quite common these days to ask for money.

Comment by Mr Nice Guy

March 11th 2008 02:54


Pop Culturist
Pop Rock Factory
The first big Italian wedding Mrs Nice Guy and myself went to - we had no idea that pinning cash to the brides gown was part and parcel of proceedings.

As the only Anglo-Celtics there - we felt a little awkard that we had misread the situation so badly.

That said - the couple walked away that evening with over $25,000 - which certainly beats a toaster.

MNG

Comment by JoshZ

March 11th 2008 04:05
Not at all.

Asking for money alot of the time is sensible, and most people understand that.

If they don't, don't worry about it. It's not their day. It's yours.

Congrats!

JZ

Comment by Michaelie

March 11th 2008 06:08


Flick Wit
Sara,

The last few weddings I have gone to, the couple have just had a honeymoon registry at the travel agents. I think it's a great idea. What could be a better present than that? And it's fulfilling to add to it, because you know it's something that will definitely be wanted and appreciated. Also, it seems a lot less crass, because it's not like you're asking the guests to rock up and open their wallets. They are given a voucher and a card to give to the bride and groom.

Most people nowdays don't need the toasters, etc, as they are rarely moving from the parental home to the marital home. We are well past the age of kitchen teas and glory boxes. I think what you are doing is fine.

Michaelie

Comment by Wayne F

March 11th 2008 06:56


Bucket Snipets
Bridal registries are a live saving in my opinion. It saves from couples getting the same gift from everyone (50 Toasters anyone). I don't think it would be rude to ask people for money. I love Michaelie;s idea if people don't know what they want to give you ask them to put in for a honeymoon somewhere.

If people are going to waste $100 on something that everyone will get why not put in for some plane tickets to a nice destination? I think people would be happy knowing their loved ones went away for a nice Hawaiian honeymoon.

Comment by Lara M

March 11th 2008 08:01


Love Speaks
Food Slate
In my opinion, a gift registry is *really* asking for $ in an indirect way

Jane's 'Money Tree' is a cute idea -- and realistic too! Also, it's not really "asking" per se

A few weddings I've been to phrased the $ token in a nice way, and a few others (like Michaelie's friends) set-up travel registries -- which I thought was a fab idea!

I don't think you idea is at all rude...

p/s...Congrats on the upcoming marriage


Comment by Wayne F

March 11th 2008 08:19


Bucket Snipets
Oh that's another thing I just remembered. There was a couple who had pretty much everything and people didn't know what to give them... and they didn't know either. So they asked people to put money into this box they had set up and donated all the cash to a charity. I think it was cancer research or something I can't remember but it's an idea.

Comment by Sara Dobson

March 11th 2008 09:00


My Turn

Hi all

Thanks for all your comments. Its good to know that most people probably won't be offended at being asked to contribute money in lieu of a gift. As people are waiting a bit longer and getting themselves set up before getting married it looks like it might be a growing trend.

Thanks for your well wishes too.
Sara
xx

Comment by Shan Jayaweera

March 11th 2008 10:15


Music Videos
Video Toes
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Music Videos Forum

Hi there,

I got married last month and my wife and I went through this dilemma - we had exactly the same outlook being older people with most things we need - we decided to give guests the option of giving us gift vouchers to a department store we both like. I have heard of others who have asked for financial contributions for their honeymoon - personally I think its all acceptable - hell, you are getting married!!!

If you have the time please check out my blogs
www.watchingyoutube.com
www.videotoes.com

thanks

Comment by Ahmed

March 11th 2008 11:14


Video Gamer Kids
Little Green Foosballs
PolyKicks
the dissapointments that come with getting shoddy gifts cannot be made up for with money.

so don't mind if you get gifts.

Though setting it up and calling it a 'wishing well' is quite smart.

Comment by Aimzster

March 11th 2008 23:29


Reality TV
The Jeepney Stop
First Time Mum
I think everyone here's pretty much beaten me to it but I'll add anyway. No, I don't think it's crass or embarrassing to ask for money - especially at a day and age where people are moving in together before getting married, so they already have all the household stuff they need. If people get offended that you should ask for money, that's their problem, not yours.

Comment by D. Armenta

March 12th 2008 01:02


The Florida Keys and Everglades
The Black Sheep Chronicles
What constitutes bad manners?
The male mystique
Debate Fan
L.A.M.P.
Whoa whoa whoa there!! Just a moment, folks! It is certainly not okay.

What's rude is assuming you're getting a gift. The tradition of inviting one's friends and loved ones to the wedding is supposed to be about having them with you to share the special day, not shaking them down for gifts and money--those are supposed to be optional and from the giver's heart. So, yes--it's very rude to ask for money or set up a registry for yourself or do anything else that says to your guests, "You're giving me this when you come to my wedding." Why not just have done with the formalities and charge admission, then?

The polite way around all of this is to enlist the aid of your close friends/mothers/relatives in telling guests who ask them (and most guests will) what you might like as a gift; then you'll have a third party who can say, "Well, this isn't their first household so they have pretty much everything they need. They are saving up for a nice honeymoon trip, though; in fact we've set up a money tree/travel account to pool our money and surprise them with a nice big check if you'd like to participate. Everyone will sign a card."

See the difference? Someone else (never the bride or groom) does the suggesting, and always with the option to participate instead of a demand.

Ask a friend or relative to handle RSVPs for you instead of doing it yourself; then you'll have this base covered for you.

Setting up your *own* money tree, notes on the invitations saying where you are registered or (shudder) "just give us money", no matter how elegantly worded, are just ..plain.. wrong.

Always.

No matter what new day and age we're in.

Comment by AmyHuang

March 12th 2008 01:52


Project Job Search
Travel Debate
Travel String
Love Adventures
Nah. What's the difference between a gift and cash? I am a practical person and cash is always good. Although I did like the gift registry idea when it came out it means you wouldn't receive about 10 photo frames for your wedding.

I think it's up to the individuals and cash is definitely a good way these days with most couples already having lived together for a while (like us) and we have absolutely everything we need for the house. Cash can really help go into the honeymoon!

Comment by Sara Dobson

March 12th 2008 02:44


My Turn

Hi D
Thanks for your comments and providing a different perspective. I guess ettiqute has always taught us that it is rude to ask for presents for birthdays or christmas. My mother taught me that when I was growing up.

For some reasons though weddings, christenings and baby showers have become the exception to that rule.

Still people do ask what to buy and so I would rather they give me money than more stuff to clutter up my place....

Comment by Sara Dobson

March 12th 2008 02:46


My Turn

Hi Amy

Cash was the only practical solution for us and by using a wishing well means they can choose to contribute to the honey moon or whatever they want.

Comment by Kim Lock

March 13th 2008 05:04


Diving About
I'm with AmyHuang.
If you do - as you say - have a household full of stuff, why should people feel obligated to give you anything?? I prefer donations to charities on behalf of the couple - pick a charity and ask people to donate to it - if they want to. Having said that I reserve the right - as the poor sod that has to sit through the lengthy and often boring ceremony - to give you a toaster if I bloody well want to!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Comment by Sara Dobson

March 14th 2008 06:26


My Turn

Hi Kim,

I guess if people want to give us toasters I am not to bothered. After all there is always ebay!

Comment by D. Armenta

March 14th 2008 16:45


The Florida Keys and Everglades
The Black Sheep Chronicles
What constitutes bad manners?
The male mystique
Debate Fan
L.A.M.P.
Hi Sara--that etiquette your mother taught you is dead right; just because merchandising ads and media say it's okay to tell your guests what to buy you doesn't make it right! It's all in the message you're sending to your guests, not what the department store says is "accepted nowadays". Rudeness to your friends and loved ones is never acceptable.

..as Kim's comment so amply illustrates!


Seriously, ask your friends for help in getting the word out.
Best of luck to you and your man!

Comment by Anonymous

May 27th 2008 19:02
Yes, it is rude. Register or let friends and family give from the heart. A wedding is not a windfall.

Comment by Anonymous

June 4th 2008 01:04
Not at all. Take the money. As others have said before, in certain cultures it is custom to give money. Quite frankly, that's what we need the most these days is it not? Most couples have already been living together for some time before marrying and so usually have everything that they need. The cold hard cash helps to say maybe put a deposit on a house, have a honeymoon, throw a party, buy a car, etc... Personally I think the gift registries are a waste of time and money. Do you really need matching toilet brush holders? No. When we get married we'll only be asking for money. It's a much smarter option.

Comment by Anonymous

June 4th 2008 20:37
I hate being asked for money at weddings because I don't make a lot to spare and am embarrassed to only be able to put 10 or $20 in a card, so I don't go to weddings where they ask you for money anymore. I'd throw my few dollars into a pool with several friends like someone else said but I get very uncomfortable when the bride says just give us money. It just seems tacky.

Comment by Anonymous

October 8th 2008 17:15
I visited baby registry for close friend, and right at the top - despite a listing of about 300 items requested - they wrote GIFT CARDS WELCOME!!!!!! I cannot, for the life of me, accept that peope so boldly ask for money. Shoot, they took the time to select 300 friggin' items for their baby, isn't it enough that people can buy from the list? At least you don't get duplicates. NO, ASKING FOR MONEY IS TACKY, TACKY, TACKY, TACKY.

Comment by Anonymous

April 29th 2009 04:22
I am always annoyed when I get invited to a wedding with a wishing well. It makes me think less of the couple. The poems in the invites are always so tacky, trying to disguise a blatent cash grab. I think it is rude. I would prefer it if people didn't call them wishing wells. They should call them cash boxes.

Comment by ilikeberries

November 13th 2009 21:47
I don't get why people think requesting cash is any different than registering for any other gift. The whole point of a registry is to give people who want to give a present some guidance. It's supposed to make things easier on the guest, not to force them to spend money! If you don't want to give a present, just don't give a present--it's not mandatory! Plus, I've seen people add a cash option to a myregistry.com type online registry so the cash gift is listed with all the other things they register for. This is a great example of how stating a preference for cash is the exact same thing as stating a preference for a particular toaster. People need to stop taking registries so seriously and just use them if you need some ideas!

Comment by Anonymous

November 29th 2009 19:29
I think is rude to ask for money. I don't think is rude to register at a store as long as you choose items from $10.00 - $200.00 to give your guets options...You can always exchange the gifts you don't like/need for store credit. Choose a store like Macy's where they have everything, you could exchange the wine glasses for a pair of jeans. Whe you ask for cash you make it sound like you're demanding your guests to give you money or don't come to the wedding. When you register at a store you give your guest an idea of what you want, they don't have t purchase it from Macy's! they could go to Ross or Kohl's and get you the same gift for less money.

Comment by Anonymous

November 29th 2009 19:29
I think is rude to ask for money. I don't think is rude to register at a store as long as you choose items from $10.00 - $200.00 to give your guets options...You can always exchange the gifts you don't like/need for store credit. Choose a store like Macy's where they have everything, you could exchange the wine glasses for a pair of jeans. Whe you ask for cash you make it sound like you're demanding your guests to give you money or don't come to the wedding. When you register at a store you give your guest an idea of what you want, they don't have t purchase it from Macy's! they could go to Ross or Kohl's and get you the same gift for less money.

Comment by Anonymous

November 29th 2009 19:29
I think is rude to ask for money. I don't think is rude to register at a store as long as you choose items from $10.00 - $200.00 to give your guets options...You can always exchange the gifts you don't like/need for store credit. Choose a store like Macy's where they have everything, you could exchange the wine glasses for a pair of jeans. Whe you ask for cash you make it sound like you're demanding your guests to give you money or don't come to the wedding. When you register at a store you give your guest an idea of what you want, they don't have t purchase it from Macy's! they could go to Ross or Kohl's and get you the same gift for less money.

Comment by Anonymous

July 26th 2010 19:58
Why would a guest ever want to give a toaster or towels or whatever? If you buy a thoughtful gift as you might for Christmas or a birthday then that would be appreciated surely. But money is more useful than an unwanted gift. Isn't the question for guests whether it is rude to give money? If not then fine but the problem is making sure guests are comfortable to give whatever they think is best and then accepting it graciously

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