Insults 101
September 15th 2006 06:28
This morning, I was standing in the sidewalk waiting to cross the street, when this car zoomed by me. As it passed by, one of the occupants poked his head out of the window and shouted “F*ckin’ Asian!” I looked around and saw that there was no one around except for me and a German Shepherd tied to a post. Since the dog was European (I assumed it was really German), then the guy must have been referring to me. Huh. At this point, I was just standing there with a bemused grin. On a primal level, I understood what he wanted to convey – I had just been insulted. However, what was fascinating was the slur itself. “F*ckin’ Asian.” If we want to get pedantic, it doesn’t really make much sense. It’s not even a complete sentence. Was he implying that I was having sex with an Asian? Was he implying that HE was having sex with an Asian? If so, good for him. At least one of us was getting some. Or maybe he was implying that I was Asian and that… well, I guess that’s it. If so, that’s pretty lame. That’s not even technically an insult. It’s more of a moronic observation. If you’re going to insult me, at least do it properly. Don’t waste precious air. Here, I’ll even help with some tips on how to do a proper insult.
1.) Rule number 1, and I cannot emphasize this enough: DO NOT STATE THE OBVIOUS. For example, take the previous incident. I think the gist of what the guy was saying was “You’re an Asian.” Yeah, and you’re ugly. What’s new? Let’s move on. That’s like telling Pavarotti he’s fat. Trust me, he already knows that. Say something that will really scar the target because it’s the first time they would have heard it. Something like “I slept with your real mother!” or “You’re so dumb, you wouldn’t know if your child was switched at birth. She was!” Note: the second one works only if you’re a hospital employee.
2.) If you have to call a target names, don’t stick to the old classics like “motherf*cker” or “son of a b*tch”. As much as these are still surprisingly effective, sooner or later, they’re bound to sound tired and worn. Expand your horizons a little. Here’s a formula to help in creative name-calling: (body part) plus (verb) plus “er”. Hence, “cocksucker”, “buttmuncher”, etc. However, these are also relatively common. Make up your own concoction. Go wild. For more fun, use a thesaurus and a book of anatomy.
3.) Have some “yo momma” insults in your arsenal. No matter what culture you’re from, you’ll always get a reaction from a target if you insult his mother.
4.) As much as possible, try to avoid using the word “f*ck” in any of its forms. It’s been around for a long time because it is such a versatile word. It can be used as a noun (Want a f*ck?; You f*cker!), a verb (Let’s f*ck.), an adjective (F*ckin’ idiot!), an adverb (It was f*ckin’ awesome!), and even a nonsense sentence elongator (F*ck! You f*cking shot my f*cking arm, you f*cking f*cker!). As such, it is starting to lose its oomph, its shock factor, from being bandied about by every Tom, Dick, and Harry all around the world. If you can’t totally eliminate the f-word from your vocabulary, try substituting some other word. Personally, I prefer “bloody”. It sounds so much refined, originating from the British and all. Plus, having been used less than “f*ck”, it offers a chance for some creative verbal engineering. It’s already an adjective and an adverb (Bloody idiot.; It was bloody awesome!). Try to make it a noun (You bleeder!), a verb (Bleed you!), and, of course, a nonsense sentence elongator. I won’t attempt that last one for fear of looking like a total assho… I mean, a total bleeder.
5.) Insinuate that your target had sexual relations with barnyard animals. It’s always funny.
6.) If you’re going to specialize in racial slurs, learn a foreign language, for godsakes. Ever think about what if your target doesn’t speak English? That’s right, the insult goes completely over his head because he couldn’t understand a word you’re saying. Again, a waste of completely good air. It would be better if you insulted the target in his native tongue because a) he would be able to understand what you are saying, and b) you would be able to pick up more chicks. Ladies love guys who can speak a foreign language. Of course, if all you know are swear words, it wouldn’t help you much.
Being an insulter, you must have proper defense as well. A good insulter will always have a counter-attack when being insulted himself. There are two basic kinds of insult: one where the insulter tells you that you ARE something (i.e. F*ckin’ Asian) and the other where the insulter tells you to DO something (i.e. Kiss my ass.). The first one is pretty easy to defend against. Just reply “So’s your face” (thank you, Dr. Jon Dorian). For example:
INSULTER: You’re such a loser.
TARGET: So’s your face.
INSULTER: What an idiot!
TARGET: So’s your face.
INSULTER: You’re useless. I’m outta here.
TARGET: So’s your face.
See? It never fails. The second type is much more tricky. One option is to go the childish route. “Go to hell.” “No, YOU go to hell.” “Nuh-uh, YOU go to hell.” A modified version of this is the gentlemanly child route. “Go suck yourself.” “After you” accompanied by a bow towards the insulter. If the insult involves a body part of yours, skilfully deflect it back to the insulter. “Stick it up your ass!” “Why, what’s wrong with yours?” When it comes to racial slurs, though, there is a favorite of insulters: “Go back to your country!” It’s always like that, no variation at all. Ho-hum. It only reinforces my belief that these bozos read from “Racial Insults for Dummies”, and that it contains only that single sentence. It’s easy to parry this particular insult. Just say “Just pay for my fare” or “My visa hasn’t expired yet” or “I can’t. I have a fear of flying”.
In summary, the key thing is to be creative. Remember the words of Martin Luther King Jr. “Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted.” Bloody hell yeah!
1.) Rule number 1, and I cannot emphasize this enough: DO NOT STATE THE OBVIOUS. For example, take the previous incident. I think the gist of what the guy was saying was “You’re an Asian.” Yeah, and you’re ugly. What’s new? Let’s move on. That’s like telling Pavarotti he’s fat. Trust me, he already knows that. Say something that will really scar the target because it’s the first time they would have heard it. Something like “I slept with your real mother!” or “You’re so dumb, you wouldn’t know if your child was switched at birth. She was!” Note: the second one works only if you’re a hospital employee.
2.) If you have to call a target names, don’t stick to the old classics like “motherf*cker” or “son of a b*tch”. As much as these are still surprisingly effective, sooner or later, they’re bound to sound tired and worn. Expand your horizons a little. Here’s a formula to help in creative name-calling: (body part) plus (verb) plus “er”. Hence, “cocksucker”, “buttmuncher”, etc. However, these are also relatively common. Make up your own concoction. Go wild. For more fun, use a thesaurus and a book of anatomy.
3.) Have some “yo momma” insults in your arsenal. No matter what culture you’re from, you’ll always get a reaction from a target if you insult his mother.
4.) As much as possible, try to avoid using the word “f*ck” in any of its forms. It’s been around for a long time because it is such a versatile word. It can be used as a noun (Want a f*ck?; You f*cker!), a verb (Let’s f*ck.), an adjective (F*ckin’ idiot!), an adverb (It was f*ckin’ awesome!), and even a nonsense sentence elongator (F*ck! You f*cking shot my f*cking arm, you f*cking f*cker!). As such, it is starting to lose its oomph, its shock factor, from being bandied about by every Tom, Dick, and Harry all around the world. If you can’t totally eliminate the f-word from your vocabulary, try substituting some other word. Personally, I prefer “bloody”. It sounds so much refined, originating from the British and all. Plus, having been used less than “f*ck”, it offers a chance for some creative verbal engineering. It’s already an adjective and an adverb (Bloody idiot.; It was bloody awesome!). Try to make it a noun (You bleeder!), a verb (Bleed you!), and, of course, a nonsense sentence elongator. I won’t attempt that last one for fear of looking like a total assho… I mean, a total bleeder.
5.) Insinuate that your target had sexual relations with barnyard animals. It’s always funny.
6.) If you’re going to specialize in racial slurs, learn a foreign language, for godsakes. Ever think about what if your target doesn’t speak English? That’s right, the insult goes completely over his head because he couldn’t understand a word you’re saying. Again, a waste of completely good air. It would be better if you insulted the target in his native tongue because a) he would be able to understand what you are saying, and b) you would be able to pick up more chicks. Ladies love guys who can speak a foreign language. Of course, if all you know are swear words, it wouldn’t help you much.
Being an insulter, you must have proper defense as well. A good insulter will always have a counter-attack when being insulted himself. There are two basic kinds of insult: one where the insulter tells you that you ARE something (i.e. F*ckin’ Asian) and the other where the insulter tells you to DO something (i.e. Kiss my ass.). The first one is pretty easy to defend against. Just reply “So’s your face” (thank you, Dr. Jon Dorian). For example:
INSULTER: You’re such a loser.
TARGET: So’s your face.
INSULTER: What an idiot!
TARGET: So’s your face.
INSULTER: You’re useless. I’m outta here.
TARGET: So’s your face.
See? It never fails. The second type is much more tricky. One option is to go the childish route. “Go to hell.” “No, YOU go to hell.” “Nuh-uh, YOU go to hell.” A modified version of this is the gentlemanly child route. “Go suck yourself.” “After you” accompanied by a bow towards the insulter. If the insult involves a body part of yours, skilfully deflect it back to the insulter. “Stick it up your ass!” “Why, what’s wrong with yours?” When it comes to racial slurs, though, there is a favorite of insulters: “Go back to your country!” It’s always like that, no variation at all. Ho-hum. It only reinforces my belief that these bozos read from “Racial Insults for Dummies”, and that it contains only that single sentence. It’s easy to parry this particular insult. Just say “Just pay for my fare” or “My visa hasn’t expired yet” or “I can’t. I have a fear of flying”.
In summary, the key thing is to be creative. Remember the words of Martin Luther King Jr. “Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted.” Bloody hell yeah!
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Comment by LauraP
Comment by Ragin Cajun
Observer's Post
Death By Myopia
Comment by Lilla
Enviro Warrior
An Extra Ordinary Life
Dream Herald
May I just say how much I enjoyed taking your basic insult 101, mini-e-course. I'm really excited now that I have the basics down pat and I'm going outside now to practice on my neighbour. Thank you so much. LOL.
Comment by Ragin Cajun
Observer's Post
Death By Myopia
Comment by Lilla
Enviro Warrior
An Extra Ordinary Life
Dream Herald
I have very good news.
After reading your 'Insults 101' to my children yesterday. My ten year old daughter went out today at school used No.6 on some of her tormentors and bullies. It seems the "so is your face" method really worked a treat and she has asked me to pass on her gratitude to you. She got rid of them all.
You will make a fine Father, no doubts. (IF not one already).
So, again thanks.
Lilla.
Comment by Ragin Cajun
Observer's Post
Death By Myopia
BTW, I'm not a father, but thanks for the compliment.
Comment by Ash
Australian Traveller
Flashes of memories
Good on ya!
Ash
Comment by Ragin Cajun
Observer's Post
Death By Myopia
Comment by DuskDevi
Rugby World Cup 2007
Ragin...I'm laughing hysterically here and I do know why (referring to comments on your 'horses' post).
Fantastic course. Never had choices like this when I was at uni...
I once got called a "curry muncher"... like...hello?...and...that's an insult how?
Which is exactly what I said to the "s**thead...you are what you eat"...which is also exactly what I said to the sh...moving on...
DuskDevi
Comment by Ragin Cajun
Observer's Post
Death By Myopia
Comment by Sword Serenity
A Female Gamer
Two things come to mind when I think of abuse of that style:
- The movie Jarhead.
- This fantasy trilogy called "The Dark Heart Trilogy". I can't remember the author or the name of the first book unfortunately (nor find anything about the series at all online, since as far as I know only one book released here).
It had a cop for the first half or so of the book, whose every line contained at least one: f*ck, f*ucking, f*ucker, motherf*cker. That is the only swearing he used and it got to a ponit where I was so annoyed with the character that I was very glad when he got his heart ripped out by some demon (the only reason I kept reading it through the annoyance was that another main character seemed quite interesting).
If you must swear, at least use some variety already.
Comment by Ragin Cajun
Observer's Post
Death By Myopia