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Inside the mind of a superspy - by JaneJane

Part 7 - Crash!

September 14th 2006 13:04
‘Brace! Brace! Brace!’ It was a silly term, left over from the ancient days of flying when crashes were commonplace. Its meaning had become lost. In modern usage it represented the need take time to sit back and contemplate or interpret the original meaning of the phrase itself. The idea was that if you heard someone use the phrase you would be so distracted by your attempts to understand it that you would completely dismiss what ever was going on around you.

It worked well for dentists, taxi drivers and politicians. It also worked well on the Beige Bummjob, so well in fact that when Bo said, “Brace! Brace! Brace!” everyone on board became so involved in their own ruminations that they forgot to look out the window and see what the blue dot was all about.


The best description available is, “Everything went blue, then everything went black and before we knew it we were only half a billion kilometres away from a pretty little star.”

-o0o-

“What happened?” asked Re

“I don’t know,” Bo was reading readouts from the dashboard but none of it made sense. “None of this makes sense. We were supposed to crash into that blue thing and now it’s nowhere to be found. We’re headed straight for that star instead.”

“So it wasn’t gas then,” said Ru. “Perhaps it was a wormhole?”

“Yes,” said La. “That would make sense. We’ve been transported via a fold in space to somewhere a long way from where we began.”

“We could be anywhere,” pondered Hu.

“Would anyone like something to eat?” poor Je, she was always at work.

“I am feeling a bit peckish,” La smiled at his wife.

“How far away is that star?” asked Bo.


“About four hundred and seventy million kilometres,” Re read from his side of the dashboard.

“How’s our speed?” asked Ru.

“Point 98 of Light and falling.”

“Point 98? How far did you say we were from that star?”

“Four hundred and seventy million kilometres, at most.”

“And what’s our direction?”

“We’re headed right for it!” answered Bo. “Brace! Bra…”

“We’ve no time for that now!” interrupted Ru. “We all need stay focused!”

“You’re right,” she said. “Ok, we’ve got to lose as much speed as we can with our vacuum breaking system then find a planet we can orbit to give us the final drag.”

Flicking a switch on the dashboard she said, “Vacuum break deployed.”

They were all thrust forward into their seats as the ship reduced speed.

“Everybody,” commanded Ru, “Keep a look out for a planet.”

“There should be one within out visual range any second now,” said Re, eyeing one of the dashboard monitors.

Hu saw it first. “There, to the right.”

“I see it!” exclaimed Bo, her hands busy on the dashboard telling the ship’s computer to steer to the planet.

“It’s blue,” whispered La.

“Oh no!” Je Screamed. “It’s the blue dot, come back again!”

“No it’s not,” Hu leaned forward in her seat. “It’s different; I can see clouds and land! It’s definitely a planet.”

“I’ve told the computer to make orbit. We should be OK,” said Bo with relief.

Losing speed the Beige Bummjob headed toward the planet. Just like the blue dot their view of the planet grew bigger and bigger through the windscreen.

“Um, Bo,” began Ru. “If we’re going to make orbit, shouldn’t we be headed off to the side of the planet and not right for the centre of it?”

“You’re right,” she checked the coordinates and the altitude. Everything seemed right, but they were still heading directly for the planet. “There must be something wrong with guidance, switching to manual,” she said.

She was too late. The ship shuddered from the impact of hitting the planet’s atmosphere. The windscreen heat shield deployed automatically and the crew was shaken to the roots of their teeth.

Bo took a deep breath and once again gave the command, “Brace! Brace! Brace!” but the others were too busy screaming to hear her.

-o0o-

The Beige Bummjob crashed into the planet. It lay mostly submerged under the crust on one of the land masses. The force of the crash knocked all six crew members unconscious.

Ru was the first to awaken. He looked about, Bo was nearest so he went to her first and gave her a gentle shake. She didn’t stir.

“Bo?” he asked. “Are you OK?” No answer. He went to Hu. She was already stirring.

“What happened?”

“We crashed into the planet,” said Ru. “Are you OK?”

“I think so,” mentally she checked her body parts. “Yes, I think I’m OK.”

Ru pointed to La and Je. “Check on those two and I’ll see how Bo and Re are doing.”

Re had already come around. He undid his seatbelt and ran to Bo. He checked for a pulse.

Ru came to his side, “Is she OK?”

“No,” Re whispered, “I think she’s dead.”
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Part 6 - A New Galaxy

September 12th 2006 07:50
It was a new world and a new galaxy.

“I ain’t, no, no never gonna go hungry - not ever again!” cried Ha Scarra. She collapsed to the ground and her dress billowed a bout her body. The flames of three suns blazed across the horizon behind her.

~Intermission~

“Oh,” said Je. “I could watch that movie another hundred times and never get bored of it.”

“Haven’t you watched it a hundred times already?” sniped La.

“Leave her alone La,” commanded Ru. “She can’t help it if she’s a bit simple. It’s just a shame we didn’t find out before we locked our selves in this beige ceramic tomb with her.”

“It’s a shame I didn’t find out before I married her,” muttered La under his breath, just loud enough for Je to hear. She sat stoically in her chair, staring out the main window. A tear chased its way down her cheek.

After thirty years on board the Beige Bummjob, some tempers were beginning to fray. Bo and Re, so madly in love on DisQuientia, had moved into separate quarters. Ru and Hu were trying their hardest not to talk to each other or fear of starting a fight. And La and Je were slowly killing each other with words.

For the first few years the journey was a fantastic holiday. The ship’s computer took care of all of the work, preparing recycled raw ingredients for cooking, cleaning the floor, walls, toilets, everything. After only 5 years of travel they had come across their first positive signs of the existence of other galaxies. And for a while their excitement grew with the knowledge that they, and Diklickley Bummjob, had been right - there were other galaxies.

Their enthusiasm waned when the found out that the computer had made a mistake in the relative time calculations. Initially it calculated they could reach the new galaxy within 25 years at their current relative speed. A few days passed and it reissued it’s calculations with the amendment that their journey to the new found galaxy would actually take 250 years of relative time.

Angered by the mistake Ru attacked the dashboard with an axe. This caused the computer to reissue its calculations with a further amendment. They weren’t sure if the new calculation was due to the damaged dashboard or merely the spite of the computer. The new estimation of arrival at the new galaxy was 2500 relative years.

Repairs were made to the hardware but the computer insisted another 2500 years of travel. It was shortly after that the boredom set in and the DisQuientians began to lose it.

Hu pulled her chair out and sat next to Je. “It’s OK sweetheart. We’re all as bored as each other. La doesn’t mean anything by what he says. He’s just trying to get rid of some frustration.”

Je didn’t avert her eyes from staring at the blackness outside. “I’m not crying because of what he said. I’m crying because I’m going to be stuck on this bloody ship until I’m middle aged! When we get to where we’re going I’ll be too old to care! We might as well have stayed back on DisQuientia and got blown up with the rest of them.”

Hu rubbed her shoulders and followed her gaze to the window. They pondered this while staring at nothing.

Getting her plate of nibbles ready for the second half of the movie Bo noticed a flashing light on the dashboard. She turned it off and read the accompanying data note on the dashboard monitor. “Hang on a minute,” she said. “That can’t be right.”

“What can’t be right?” asked Re and Ru at the same time. They both hurried over to captain’s chair.

Bo frowned at the dashboard monitor, “It says there’s some sort of thing dead ahead.”

Ru looked at the readout, “It’s not some sort of thing, it’s some sort of anomaly.”

“How many light years?” asked Re.

“Less than one,” answered Ru, hardly able to believe what he was reading.

“Less than one?” asked Bo. “That’s impossible! We’d see it.!” She reviewed the on screen data. “Hang on,” she said, “It’s less than half. No, less than a quarter. No, this can’t be. It’s moving toward us!”

“I see it!” shouted Je. “Directly ahead, a blue shining dot.” She looked around the room, “Does anyone else see it?”

Six sets of eyes scanned space looking for the blue dot; they could all see it now. It grew and grew and got closer and closer.

“Computer, reverse engines, prepare for impact!” shouted Bo as everyone scrambled back into their allotted seats and strapped in.

La offered Je his hand; she reached out and held on tight. “Will we stop in time?”

“I doubt it,” he grimly replied.

The blue dot filled a third of the window.

“Is it solid?” asked Re.

“I don’t know. Let’s hope not,” answered Bo.

“What does it matter?” said Ru. “Even if it’s a gas we’d still be smashed to pieces on impact at our current speed.”

The blue dot filled most of the window.

“Well, it’s been nice having this non-adventure with you all,” joked Re.

The blue dot filled the entire window and Bo screamed, “Brace! Brace! Brace!”
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Part 5 - Cabin Service

September 11th 2006 02:53
There was a moment for sadness as the DisQuientians, possibly the only 6 left in the entire universe; each mourned the death of their planet. Then music blared from the dashboard speakers. DisQuientians weren’t good with mourning.

“Come on,” said Bo. “We’ve got a victory dance to perform.”

The others cheered and took their places around the cockpit. The music blared and they danced the dance of victory.

-o0o-

I should probably take this moment to tell you a little more about the DisQuientians.

As a racial group of the ‘Cream for All’ galaxy their only true role was to complain. The planet was distant from the energy and vibrancy of the inner galaxy and was one of the last to be embraced by the Galactic Community. By the time the planet was discovered all of the good jobs had been taken.

HedLandia, nearer the centre of the galaxy was the galaxy’s administrator – its planetary motto ‘A bureaucracy for all’. Never had the motto been truer in the lead up to the destruction of DisQuientia. The reason for the planet destroying bomb being sent back to its origin was that one of the paper pushers on HedLandia discovered that the incorrect bomb forms had been submitted so the bomb could not possibly be accepted.

The planet VasTacreageia was taken as the family home of the Galactic Ruler – Prince Qu’ Ince. It was a vast acreage of bush, grassy fields, lakes, rivers, beaches, mountains and snowfields. Each of the 5 continents contained one mansion for the royal family and very little else above ground. In the dim past the natives of the planet chose to supplicate themselves to the ruling family for eternity, in return for neutrality and good public transport. To make room for the game hunting, swimming, orgies and general spacious relaxation intended for the royal family, they took to living in cavernous underground cities.

The war mongers of WarMongerlia were, despite the name, official gardeners to the Community, and, coincidentally, the florists of BudVineia took care of the wars.

All other useful jobs on a galactic scale were taken as more and more inhabited planets were discovered and embraced.

The only job left for DisQuientia was that of official complainer. It was their job to tell the government of the Galactic Community what they were doing wrong. It had worked very well for some time, until recently the government seemed to be turning a deaf ear to the DisQuientians and had stopped listening to complaints. This, of course, drove the DisQuientians bonkers and their messages to the Government got louder and louder until it was decided that the only way for their complaints to be heard was to send a massive planet destroying bomb somewhere and make a big noise about it.

Once the decision was made to destroy a planet it was left to the people of DisQuientia to decide on which one, and a referendum was arranged to allow the people to vote on which planet should be destroyed. The turn out was encouraging with 99.9999 percent of the population voting – and deciding by a landslide to destroy the bureaucrats.

The only people who didn’t vote were the lucky 6 , Re, Je, Bo, Ru, Hu and La. Long before the referendum they had decided to leave the galaxy on their journey in search of a peaceful and a quiet place to live.

-o0o-

“OK,” said Bo, the dance complete. “Enough of the commiserations and celebrations, we’ve got a long journey ahead and a lot of waiting to do. To your stations!”

Everyone returned to their assigned seat, except for Je, who busied herself with a trolley that had been stowed away under the microwave bench. Bo turned a knob in the arm of her chair and a large silver screen descended from ceiling.

Je pushed her trolley around the room and stopped at Hu, “The chicken or the beef?” she asked. Hu took the beef.

“OK, La,” commanded Bo, “hit the play button.”

The silver screen flickered to life as the first of a series of latest releases began to play.

Travelling faster than the speed of light the Beige Bummjob headed for the outer rim of the galaxy and into the void beyond.
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Part 4 - Escape

September 10th 2006 02:50
Continuing his emulation of the other members of his cabinet, the Essential Minister ran around the room ripping his hair from his head. It seemed a good short term strategy. For some reason, perhaps because he was the most important person in the room or perhaps because he had run out of hair, he suddenly came to a stop.

“What was it Re just said?” he asked. No one answered him. The yelling continued.

[ Click here to read more ]
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Part 3 - Waiting

September 9th 2006 05:36
The Essential Minister’s assistant’s name was Re. Ga Gantuar didn’t know it but Re was the lover of Bo, his only daughter.

Re had come to work that day to make one last plea to the High Council to not send the missile to destroy HedLandia. It was to be his last patriotic act before leaving the planet and the galaxy forever. When he arrived it was already too late. The Essential Minister, in his excitement, had launched the missile ahead of schedule, and Re’s arguments were never heard.

[ Click here to read more ]
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Part 2 - Time for escape

September 8th 2006 07:24
It was the beginning of a clear day. Only a few wisps of green cloud marred the perfectly clear yellow sky as the last reflections of the moons disappeared to the north and the first rays of the sun burst across the horizon in the south.

Bo and Ru were not looking at the sky; they had bigger things on their mind than the weather. Hurrying across the tarmac of the landing strip they carrying their infinitely small, but unbelievably heavy load of anti-matter fuel for their ship, ‘The Beigebummjob’.

[ Click here to read more ]
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My greatest case, my only case, was the discovery of the DisQuientians who lived in their enormous space-ship that had been buried under the city of Sydney since before English settlement. There were initially 6 members of the crew but their captain died when they crashed into the earth.

They were a group of intergalactic separatists who'd left their home planet, DisQuientia in the galaxy 'Cream for All', due to an unsavoury political environment. The leaders of their planet were about to send an enormous rocket to blow up the galaxy's administrative planet. The DisQuientians were sick of the administrative bungling that caused public transport to run late. The separatists wanted nothing to do with the bomb. They felt that any administrative head of a galactic empire was bound to get something wrong from time to time, but more important than that, all they desired was to live in peace and harmony with the universe. They wanted nothing of other planets, other cultures or other people. So they powered up their brand new ship, the Beigebummjob, and went in search of a quiet galaxy where they could be alone.

[ Click here to read more ]
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