Im afraid of the big bad councellor.
February 2nd 2009 04:58
I need help. I know that. If I am going to save my relationship, stay sane, and have any chance of success and happiniess, I need professional help and I need it soon.
Yay me. I can admit that.
All that shit...It means next to nothing to me. But my man, he does. There arent many good men in the world, and people constantly tell me how great mine is. How I should treasure him. Like I dont know. I live with him. And he lives with me. That says a lot.
But I feel like Im living a lie - I feel like a guilty woman with a secret, a woman hiding an affair. I mean sure, Im hiding a rather nasty little secret, but its only one, only small, and its probably a lot more forgiveable than my psycho mind has blown it up to be. Still, I wont be telling him anytime soon. Point is, Im over that shit. The pain over it is gone because I recognise the problems that put me in that damaging situation. That secret is meaningless. It has no power unless I want to give it to it.
Its the other thing. The fact that my ex comes back to haunt me every night....That at least once every two months I get completely obsessed - just like I used to about nine years ago - and for about 2 weeks I cant think about anything except my ex. My every smile, every glance, every thought and action, revolves around the fact that theres nothing in my head except his tan skin. Oh dont take it all wrong. I hate the son of a bitch (and that, I can say with authority for I knew his mother) but true, enduring hatred that lasts for years is only bor of love, and the two emotions really are so alike. Both involve complete, annihilating obsession. Just look at my mum and my dad. Hes totally indifferent to her, but mention his name around her and she'll attack.
Its why they say revenge is a forest where its easy to get lost. It would be so easy to sneak into his house and murder the cocksucker while he was sleeping. Problem is, Id have to kiss him good bye first. And there, right there its gets ultra sticky. Cos I havnt seen this freak dude in about 9 years, and I know, exactly, what kind of abusive arsehole he was then. I know what time does to guys like this. My brother's one of em - I saw his wife and kids ducking for cover when he was drunk. And time sharpens these sons of bitches. Makes then so honed that they can slice through anyone, most likely, in the end, themselves. Especially the soft hearts of women.
So why the need for a goodbye kiss then? Why any kind of affection left in my heart for an abusive son of a bitch that hurt me more times than I can count? Why utter nightmares mixed in with sweet and loving images? And thus, revenge is a forest. The rules of revenge are to just get it done, murder anyone in your way - do not stop until you have your objective. Its why Beatrix wrote so many lists.
My biggest fear is, I get him. I murder the prick in all the glory I so crave. And then one of his sons hunts me down and I have a new enemy. Poor old me, unsuspecting, walking confidently in the world, KNOWING he's gone.....Only to be cut down unexpectedly by his demon spawn. Fuck.
But, the delusions. The waking dreams. Im suffering them right now. Where is he? Whats he doing? Does he remember me? Is all of this shit for nothing? Or is he thinking of me when Im thinking of him....Just like the old days? I have his adress, his phone number. Should I ring the number just to hear his voice? Find out if it sounds different? Will he know its me breathing on the other end of the line even if I dont speak? He always used to. Should I go down there to visit a friend, and stop by his house on the way? See if he recognises me? Seriously, Ive tempted Fate in all kinds of ways on this one, and she's never come through with the torture on this issue.
For sure, I want to talk to my best friend, my rock, my partner, about this, but he's a severely jealous type, especially whenj it comes to this particular ex. He doesnt see straight. Must be something about the cunt - he must do it to everyone. But Id probably get yelled at, best case scenario. Worst case? He'd walk out on me. "Fine, go back to him and get yourself killed" Like, hes awesome my man, but all men have their limits.
I cant talk to my friends on this one, because, quite frankly, theyre sick of hearing his name. My obsession is years long after all. As soon as I mention it, I basically get told shut the fuck up, get the fuck over it.....STOP BOTHERING US WITH THIS CRAP!!
Where does that leave me?
With councellors. I have always hated the bastards. Since my early years when I was forced to talk to them, and then again during the breakdown, they did nothing but hinder me. Confuse me. Made me feel like I was being judged, not loved and cared for. But I did some research today, and guess what....
Like the universe giving me an ultra nudge, there is a free counselling service in the same building I have to go to tomorrow. I rang up to make an appointment, but chickened out before anyone could pick up. I just kept thinking, 'if in doubt, leave it out' and decided, hey, Im going there tomorrow, I can scope it out for real then. If I can get through the door. If I dont have a panic attack and chicken out.
Hey there lookie. Im more afraid of medical practitioners than I am of the arsehole that tore me up physically and mentally.
If I do not seek professional help, my only option is to go on as I have been. Obsessing. Thinking. Lying awake at night or running from him (occassionally to him) in my nightmares. I know what this will add up to - every year that has passed has upped the pressure within me, and Im already having those really dangerous thoughts, "Maybe I should just go see him. Surely he wont kill me. Hes the only one that can answer these questions.....Yeah, I should go see him"
Fuck no. Im smart enough to know the destructive force he weilds in my nightmares is symbolic of his power to destroy my life. He always used t be able to turn it, jangling, upside down, but right now, he would rip away everything I hold dear, even if he was being his nicest. Because my man would disappear, and thus would everything else in my life I consider stable and good and pure. The descent into true darkness complete, in the Devils arms.
That doesnt leave me with many options does it?
Yay me. I can admit that.
All that shit...It means next to nothing to me. But my man, he does. There arent many good men in the world, and people constantly tell me how great mine is. How I should treasure him. Like I dont know. I live with him. And he lives with me. That says a lot.
But I feel like Im living a lie - I feel like a guilty woman with a secret, a woman hiding an affair. I mean sure, Im hiding a rather nasty little secret, but its only one, only small, and its probably a lot more forgiveable than my psycho mind has blown it up to be. Still, I wont be telling him anytime soon. Point is, Im over that shit. The pain over it is gone because I recognise the problems that put me in that damaging situation. That secret is meaningless. It has no power unless I want to give it to it.
Its the other thing. The fact that my ex comes back to haunt me every night....That at least once every two months I get completely obsessed - just like I used to about nine years ago - and for about 2 weeks I cant think about anything except my ex. My every smile, every glance, every thought and action, revolves around the fact that theres nothing in my head except his tan skin. Oh dont take it all wrong. I hate the son of a bitch (and that, I can say with authority for I knew his mother) but true, enduring hatred that lasts for years is only bor of love, and the two emotions really are so alike. Both involve complete, annihilating obsession. Just look at my mum and my dad. Hes totally indifferent to her, but mention his name around her and she'll attack.
Its why they say revenge is a forest where its easy to get lost. It would be so easy to sneak into his house and murder the cocksucker while he was sleeping. Problem is, Id have to kiss him good bye first. And there, right there its gets ultra sticky. Cos I havnt seen this freak dude in about 9 years, and I know, exactly, what kind of abusive arsehole he was then. I know what time does to guys like this. My brother's one of em - I saw his wife and kids ducking for cover when he was drunk. And time sharpens these sons of bitches. Makes then so honed that they can slice through anyone, most likely, in the end, themselves. Especially the soft hearts of women.
So why the need for a goodbye kiss then? Why any kind of affection left in my heart for an abusive son of a bitch that hurt me more times than I can count? Why utter nightmares mixed in with sweet and loving images? And thus, revenge is a forest. The rules of revenge are to just get it done, murder anyone in your way - do not stop until you have your objective. Its why Beatrix wrote so many lists.
My biggest fear is, I get him. I murder the prick in all the glory I so crave. And then one of his sons hunts me down and I have a new enemy. Poor old me, unsuspecting, walking confidently in the world, KNOWING he's gone.....Only to be cut down unexpectedly by his demon spawn. Fuck.
But, the delusions. The waking dreams. Im suffering them right now. Where is he? Whats he doing? Does he remember me? Is all of this shit for nothing? Or is he thinking of me when Im thinking of him....Just like the old days? I have his adress, his phone number. Should I ring the number just to hear his voice? Find out if it sounds different? Will he know its me breathing on the other end of the line even if I dont speak? He always used to. Should I go down there to visit a friend, and stop by his house on the way? See if he recognises me? Seriously, Ive tempted Fate in all kinds of ways on this one, and she's never come through with the torture on this issue.
For sure, I want to talk to my best friend, my rock, my partner, about this, but he's a severely jealous type, especially whenj it comes to this particular ex. He doesnt see straight. Must be something about the cunt - he must do it to everyone. But Id probably get yelled at, best case scenario. Worst case? He'd walk out on me. "Fine, go back to him and get yourself killed" Like, hes awesome my man, but all men have their limits.
I cant talk to my friends on this one, because, quite frankly, theyre sick of hearing his name. My obsession is years long after all. As soon as I mention it, I basically get told shut the fuck up, get the fuck over it.....STOP BOTHERING US WITH THIS CRAP!!
Where does that leave me?
With councellors. I have always hated the bastards. Since my early years when I was forced to talk to them, and then again during the breakdown, they did nothing but hinder me. Confuse me. Made me feel like I was being judged, not loved and cared for. But I did some research today, and guess what....
Like the universe giving me an ultra nudge, there is a free counselling service in the same building I have to go to tomorrow. I rang up to make an appointment, but chickened out before anyone could pick up. I just kept thinking, 'if in doubt, leave it out' and decided, hey, Im going there tomorrow, I can scope it out for real then. If I can get through the door. If I dont have a panic attack and chicken out.
Hey there lookie. Im more afraid of medical practitioners than I am of the arsehole that tore me up physically and mentally.
If I do not seek professional help, my only option is to go on as I have been. Obsessing. Thinking. Lying awake at night or running from him (occassionally to him) in my nightmares. I know what this will add up to - every year that has passed has upped the pressure within me, and Im already having those really dangerous thoughts, "Maybe I should just go see him. Surely he wont kill me. Hes the only one that can answer these questions.....Yeah, I should go see him"
Fuck no. Im smart enough to know the destructive force he weilds in my nightmares is symbolic of his power to destroy my life. He always used t be able to turn it, jangling, upside down, but right now, he would rip away everything I hold dear, even if he was being his nicest. Because my man would disappear, and thus would everything else in my life I consider stable and good and pure. The descent into true darkness complete, in the Devils arms.
That doesnt leave me with many options does it?
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