The Voices in my HeadI'm a Masochist...I think...
December 29th 2006 17:03
I sat in my van today at break...thinking.
thinking...
thinking...
for too long about too much.
I don't understand myself sometimes. I don't know why things get to me like they do.
Does this make me weak? Do I have a low self-esteem? Why do I care? I tell myself that I don't, and that's true. I really don't care about the thing that gets to me, I care that the thing GOT to me. See the difference?
I'm like anyone...I have been through some major shit in my life. Haven't we all? I pride myself on being strong, a good parent, a good person. I pride myself on the accomplishments I have made in my life like going back to college.
Then, inevitably, when I am feeling pretty on top of things, WHAM! Something distracts me from it, makes me mad, sad, scared, something and I lose focus, albeit briefly. Why at all, though? That's my question. Humanity has never changed. Situations, circumstances do, but never humanity. So, why does things like this a. surprise me? and b. consume me?
How does someone get over this? Fix it? Make it go away and never happen again. Stop giving pleasure to the sadist, even for a short time?
thinking...
thinking...
for too long about too much.
I don't understand myself sometimes. I don't know why things get to me like they do.
Does this make me weak? Do I have a low self-esteem? Why do I care? I tell myself that I don't, and that's true. I really don't care about the thing that gets to me, I care that the thing GOT to me. See the difference?
I'm like anyone...I have been through some major shit in my life. Haven't we all? I pride myself on being strong, a good parent, a good person. I pride myself on the accomplishments I have made in my life like going back to college.
Then, inevitably, when I am feeling pretty on top of things, WHAM! Something distracts me from it, makes me mad, sad, scared, something and I lose focus, albeit briefly. Why at all, though? That's my question. Humanity has never changed. Situations, circumstances do, but never humanity. So, why does things like this a. surprise me? and b. consume me?
How does someone get over this? Fix it? Make it go away and never happen again. Stop giving pleasure to the sadist, even for a short time?
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Comment by katyzzz
Photography Tips
MS Paint Art
We can think too much sometimes, what you need is a distraction, something to take over from your preoccupations.
What did you like doing as a kid?
Write about it, keep it happy and light, put a picture in it, take time to find one, it'll take you right out of yourself because you simply don't have time.
Or, do you do gardening, something physical should do the trick, and when you have a negative thought about yourself, jump on it and deny it, how dare it.
katyzzz
Comment by The Voices in my Head
The Voices in my Head
I like to write. When I was a kid, the biggest treat my parents could give me, was a pad of paper and a pencil. I would just sit outside under a tree and write until my hand hurt. There has never been a moment in which I have questioned my love of writing, my ability to write, my dream to write...it has always been there. Only in this place, do I question it.
I think I will be leaving Orble soon. In fact, there may be a post later.
I am sorry that I didn't support your work more and sooner, Katyzzz. I really am. If this is how I, in any way, made you feel when I was part of the clique...I am so sorry for not supporting your work sooner.
I suppose I deserve it. What goes around comes around....right?
Thank you for your support over the past several days.
Voices~
Comment by LaurenD
I say never leave a room unwillingly or under someone else's terms. Choose to go when you're done.
This is really such a small fraction of a world in here. Not much of it is really real. So you can choose what you make of it.
I say make your next post about something that gets your juices flowing again. Something with a charge. Something that makes the puppets dance and the bed sheets float and the sky spin.
That's what mattered in the first place anyway. Sometimes it's good to remember what mattered in the first place.
LaurenD
Comment by LaurenD
I say never leave a room unwillingly or under someone else's terms. Choose to go when you're done.
This is really such a small fraction of a world in here. Not much of it is really real. So you can choose what you make of it.
I say make your next post about something that gets your juices flowing again. Something with a charge. Something that makes the puppets dance and the bed sheets float and the sky spin.
That's what mattered in the first place anyway. Sometimes it's good to remember what mattered in the first place.
LaurenD
Comment by katyzzz
Photography Tips
MS Paint Art
You have absolutely nothing to reproach yourself for.
I am happy to go along with most things that happen on Orble, except the recent ????, which will take its course.
If you have always loved to write continue to do it and on no-one else's terms but your own.
I'd like to see you around for a long time even though more pressing things pending may take precedence, it is an oulet to the rest of the world not just Orble bloggers, and THAT is an opportunity.
Just count, and you'll see that things are already improving.
Trust me.
katyzzz
Comment by The Voices in my Head
The Voices in my Head
I already have found that thing...I am fine...no worries. In fact, I swear...I'm running around my back yard tonight, in DECEMBER, screaming like a banshee. *smile*
Bless you, my friend,
Voices~
Comment by LaurenD
LaurenD
Comment by The Voices in my Head
The Voices in my Head
AGREED! Thank you! I can't stop using the exclamation points! It's all that primal screaming LaurenD has me doing! At least I am not typing in all caps!
*smiling!*
Come back!
Voices~
Comment by Moonbeam
Good Lord, could u keep it down over there? I knew that screaming I heard, sounded familiar!
A few more ululant sounds like that coming thru the night, & I'll think I'm right square in the middle of a Dean Koontz novel-come-to-life!
Think 'small minds' when you 're leaning toward letting this bother u again. Small minds simply are not worth the time, energy & frustration. Re-direct your thoughts into something positive, & continue to make your presence known.
In light & love,
Moonbeam
Comment by The Voices in my Head
The Voices in my Head
There is no possible way I am going anywhere. Ever. I am a writer...I have things to say.
Sorry about the noise!
Voices~