The Voices in my HeadIf I Can't Be My Own...
April 28th 2008 01:29
In the past several months, I have asked myself several times about the possibility of my own dementia. Deep, dark, devastating dementia. Penetrating to the core of me, a darkness that pervades all thought, even the most mundane or light thoughts..."What should I get for supper tonight?" Answer usually comes in some form of 'what if'. "What if I go to the store and get hit by a semi head on. Would I suffer and linger for years in a coma or would I die immediately, leaving my four children motherless? Spaghetti...definitely spaghetti." As fleeting as a baby's breath, the darkness skurries behind the normal thought and it is forgotten.
More and more, I am becoming aware of this abnormal thought process, and I wonder, is this darkness, this demonic presence that causes me to think such things an extension only of my own mind or the society I live in. The one that has us to prepare wills, just in case. Save money, just in case. Remain in good paying but miserable jobs instead of pursuing dreams, just in case.
Perhaps it's just the reality of miserable propriety. The proper existence, according to society standards. Two incomes, two cars, the perfect home, the right amount of children and money in the bank. Rightness. Perfection. Success. And for those of us that do not buy into those ideals...dementia. Insanity. Irresponsibility. Bottom-feeders. Dreamers. Labels designed to preserve the right and the white of society, to maintain the classes that are crucial to the very foundation of American living. The elite who are admired and the rest of us, who the elite wouldn't exist without. We, the un-elite, are crucial to their success. It is us who provide the wealth they blow on boats and planes. It is us that carry the overwhelming burden of their wealth like the asses they believe us to be...for simply not being them.
Is it just me? Can ALL 'sects' and 'cults' and communal living groups be so awful? Or is it that if the rest of us followed suit..if the rest of us decided to live in such a manner, based on our own religious beliefs, could actually be dangerously close to yanking the rug out from beneath proper society? After all, religious beliefs are protected, we wouldn't have to pay taxes, we wouldn't have to live according to society. We could grow our own foods, carve our own rules and write them on a clean slate without government interference. Taxes would go down the drain, with little dependence on income, or outside resources. What would the elite do? What would those 1% who hold 98% of America's wealth do without us to admire, envy and strive to be like them? Their employees gone, smelling flowers all day rather than sitting in tiny cubicles under flourescent lighting. What woud they do?
We will never find out because before it could continue, our communal living arrangement would be lableled a cult and accusations would begin to leak that children were being molested and society would demand, no, DEMAND that the government take action and the goverment would do that very thing. We would prasie them and be thankful that we live in such a country that no one should have to live any other way...than is socially acceptable. Did we question whether the branch Davidian in Waco Texas actually molest children? I mean, sure, we heard the government-leaked side of the story that the media shoved down our throats but did we question? Did we hear the true story. Of course, what we heard in the media was probably completely true. Afterall, the media is always so truthful, isn't it?
I'm really not a conspiracy theorist. I suppose I would just like another option. Another possibility. Something other than what I perceive to be the only option.
What do you believe would need to happen to create the perfect society? What or where is Utopia in your mind? Show me your dementia...I've already shown you mine.
More and more, I am becoming aware of this abnormal thought process, and I wonder, is this darkness, this demonic presence that causes me to think such things an extension only of my own mind or the society I live in. The one that has us to prepare wills, just in case. Save money, just in case. Remain in good paying but miserable jobs instead of pursuing dreams, just in case.
Perhaps it's just the reality of miserable propriety. The proper existence, according to society standards. Two incomes, two cars, the perfect home, the right amount of children and money in the bank. Rightness. Perfection. Success. And for those of us that do not buy into those ideals...dementia. Insanity. Irresponsibility. Bottom-feeders. Dreamers. Labels designed to preserve the right and the white of society, to maintain the classes that are crucial to the very foundation of American living. The elite who are admired and the rest of us, who the elite wouldn't exist without. We, the un-elite, are crucial to their success. It is us who provide the wealth they blow on boats and planes. It is us that carry the overwhelming burden of their wealth like the asses they believe us to be...for simply not being them.
Is it just me? Can ALL 'sects' and 'cults' and communal living groups be so awful? Or is it that if the rest of us followed suit..if the rest of us decided to live in such a manner, based on our own religious beliefs, could actually be dangerously close to yanking the rug out from beneath proper society? After all, religious beliefs are protected, we wouldn't have to pay taxes, we wouldn't have to live according to society. We could grow our own foods, carve our own rules and write them on a clean slate without government interference. Taxes would go down the drain, with little dependence on income, or outside resources. What would the elite do? What would those 1% who hold 98% of America's wealth do without us to admire, envy and strive to be like them? Their employees gone, smelling flowers all day rather than sitting in tiny cubicles under flourescent lighting. What woud they do?
We will never find out because before it could continue, our communal living arrangement would be lableled a cult and accusations would begin to leak that children were being molested and society would demand, no, DEMAND that the government take action and the goverment would do that very thing. We would prasie them and be thankful that we live in such a country that no one should have to live any other way...than is socially acceptable. Did we question whether the branch Davidian in Waco Texas actually molest children? I mean, sure, we heard the government-leaked side of the story that the media shoved down our throats but did we question? Did we hear the true story. Of course, what we heard in the media was probably completely true. Afterall, the media is always so truthful, isn't it?
I'm really not a conspiracy theorist. I suppose I would just like another option. Another possibility. Something other than what I perceive to be the only option.
What do you believe would need to happen to create the perfect society? What or where is Utopia in your mind? Show me your dementia...I've already shown you mine.
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