Infrequency posting has hugely to do with my current residential state in mental break down city. My mother is convinced I'm still cutting and she's now saying that 'if you don't get help for it on your own, I'll force the issue'. Which is pissing me off. A lot.
I'm sick of all this crap. I'm sick of her being so controlling. She said 'show me your wrists' for fucking computer access. I want to kill her right now, she's lucky she got out of the house when she did. I have an arm warmer on my right arm which she tried to pull off.
If she ever lays another finger on me I'm going to strangle her. I'm pissed. And she's telling me that unless I come home tonight and talk to her, which I can't do civilly, I can't go with them out of town tomorrow night to see a guy that's like my fucking uncle. I haven't been out there in months because of her bullshit and now she's trying to keep me away longer. She doesn't seem to get that up there is one of the few places where I'm genuinely happy.
I don't know how long it will be until I can get myself together enough for another post... just thought I should warn you...
I am a walking, talking mental breakdown right now. I can't even explain fully.
IT'S THAT BAD.
/End sarcasm.
I guess this will seem odd. But somehow I feel welcomed in this community, (blame David), and I'm ready to share things. I trust you people not to start yelling at me. Hehe, blame David... gods I could tell you such stories about people with that name.
Oh well. So here's everything that's going on with me.
I've been fighting with the mother a lot. Don't get me wrong, I know she's just doing her best to raise me, but her best is a failure. I'm kind of disappointed in her for her best. There are a lot of things going on right now, for me, many of which have to relate directly to the Tarot and my religious leanings. I'm like a blind leader now; I'm actually leading a group of people... and I'm still only half-sure what I'm doing.
School seems like a flop. I see myself in ten years barely surviving off my writing and still with my current boyfriend, a high school dropout who moved out the second she could at any cost. I've done a lot in the last little while to screw myself up and I don't care who knows it.
In the last few months I have been sinking slowly into depression, rising to heights of joy on occasion. Suddenly, on Christmas Eve, events happened to completely kill what little holiday spirit I had left-believe me, that wasn't much to begin with. I miss Daddy more than ever and I can't help but remember Jordan a lot.
Jordan's my muse. I am head over heels in love with a 'boy' who I haven't seen in the last six months. I've not been friends with him for over a year now, but I remember every moment we spent together and I still love him with all my heart. And... it puts me through a lot of crap.
But I'll recover. I hope. It's gotten worse than it's been since the first two weeks after Daddy's death, but I'm sure I'll make it through. I have two people in my life right now who it seems will stop at nothing to keep me in this world. And... I don't know that I can.
I could have a future. I really could. I could keep going with high school and become a singer/songwriter, or just a writer, with a Japanese degree. I could probably do a lot of things. It's just... I don't want to bother with all that crap. I don't know how long I am going to stick around.
I've known for a long time my end would be suicide. Now I just don't know anymore how soon that end would be.
And for all my commenters, thank you; thank you for reading this and thanks for caring. I love you guys. And I live for this. I live to see my writing out there-I live to see my writing exposed and in the open.
Eventually I'll post something incredibly meaningful on this blog. Some day. Promise. It might be a suicide note, but it won't be your average note; it'll MEAN something.
~Dianna
And my boyfriend fights with his mother and she makes a comment about Welfare Daddies. And I hate her guts.
He's here now... this is like his second home... I just wish I had one. I hate my mother. I need to leave this place, need to be free from that thing.
Add Comments
Comments (3)
Read More
