JessiccaI have no grace today
January 5th 2007 06:24
Looking at the wallet, which only contains 3 – 4 dollars, I sighed. I have been telling myself everyday that it’s going to be ok, even though I only have about 60 dollars to spend until the end of the month when I decided to push it all out and settle as much credit bills as possible. Well, it’s still a long way to go, but I know if I stay sober enough I can still get it through. But the 60 dollars in two respective banks (30 dollars each) can’t be reached through ATM card at the moment, and as I struggled to remind myself to bring the bankbook for lunch, and counting the pathetic 3 dollars in the wallet (just to be sure), an irritating voice popped.
“There’s a lot of money you’ve got there.”
“Yeah right. It’s only 3 dollars.” I smeared, trying to stay my tone of voice. The lunch plan is already delayed and I had to get back to the office ASAP since I am doing backend support today.
“Don’t lah!” (as the typical Malaysian’s expression), squeak the voice.
“What? You haven’t seen a girl with 3 dollars only before?” I snapped at her.
I know I am not supposed to be angry. It’s none of her business. She has the money of the world (since she just got her salary) and it’s my foolish decision to clear my account to settle my over spending bills. I shouldn’t have snapped at her. In fact, why am I getting irritated with her voice? Her voice is naturally born squeaky; you can’t do anything about that.
“Come on”, doing my best to brush off my boiling temper aside and trying to do my best to enjoy lunch with my fellow colleagues. “Let’s get going, before it’s too late.”
“Well, it’s only 1:30. We’ve got time.”
My bubble burst again… unable to control that anger I snapped without looking at my two colleagues, “Yes, it could be for you both, but I have to be back before the guys return with ravel about how they can’t access to the server.”
I tried to smile, I really did. And while walking towards the Indian restaurant I tried to keep a light chat with my other colleague, who is always calm and quiet. How I marvel at her control of temper and how suck I can be when allowing short tempers to overflow me.
“Banana leaves?” the waiter asked and I nodded at him but reminding him that it’s only for the two. It cost more than my poor, poor wallet consist, so I refrain from taking and opted for cheaper bread with daal.
“Why aren’t you eating banana leave rice?” The squeaky voice sounded again.
Smiling plainly, “That’s all I can afford for today until I get my claims.”
“Why? How come? It’s only banana leave rice!” Squeaky the voice with a happy tone.
That’s it. I couldn’t take it anymore. It was my boiling point. Visions were clear and it was a red coloured. It showed that I stood up and shouted at her and everything seemed to be happening fast. I dismissed that thought yet my mouth couldn’t stop, snapping, “What, you want to see what’s in my wallet?”
At that second, I gave it away, I heated and I was defeated by my anger. And then the saviour came, my food was here and the waiters started to pour dishes of vegetables on my other two colleagues. I tried to lighten the atmosphere by getting the fork and spoons from the tray, only finding that the spoons are missing still. I wanted to get out of the place as soon as possible so I started my silent prayer and start tearing the bread with my hands and eat while waiting.
My other colleague, who’s the calm and cool one, knew what was in my head and she started other conversation so that we all have a nicer chat. She knew I didn’t want to talk much and lucky for me since I have an ulcer deep in my lips I diverted the shameful incident and tried to joke about it.
“Enjoy your lunch, girls.” After gobbling off my last piece bread I quickly bid farewell and head back to the office.
What I learn today? I learned that I’ve been creating a bitchy week by dragging the tension of money to myself around the entire week. Not to say that I didn’t enjoy the New Years but I know that what I need to learn is to continue to chuck away the negative thoughts in me. There isn’t any expectation from my colleagues and I shouldn’t take things too personally, since I know my squeaky friend is new and she is just trying to fit in.
I’ll try to learn to be less hostile next week.
“There’s a lot of money you’ve got there.”
“Yeah right. It’s only 3 dollars.” I smeared, trying to stay my tone of voice. The lunch plan is already delayed and I had to get back to the office ASAP since I am doing backend support today.
“Don’t lah!” (as the typical Malaysian’s expression), squeak the voice.
“What? You haven’t seen a girl with 3 dollars only before?” I snapped at her.
I know I am not supposed to be angry. It’s none of her business. She has the money of the world (since she just got her salary) and it’s my foolish decision to clear my account to settle my over spending bills. I shouldn’t have snapped at her. In fact, why am I getting irritated with her voice? Her voice is naturally born squeaky; you can’t do anything about that.
“Come on”, doing my best to brush off my boiling temper aside and trying to do my best to enjoy lunch with my fellow colleagues. “Let’s get going, before it’s too late.”
“Well, it’s only 1:30. We’ve got time.”
My bubble burst again… unable to control that anger I snapped without looking at my two colleagues, “Yes, it could be for you both, but I have to be back before the guys return with ravel about how they can’t access to the server.”
I tried to smile, I really did. And while walking towards the Indian restaurant I tried to keep a light chat with my other colleague, who is always calm and quiet. How I marvel at her control of temper and how suck I can be when allowing short tempers to overflow me.
“Banana leaves?” the waiter asked and I nodded at him but reminding him that it’s only for the two. It cost more than my poor, poor wallet consist, so I refrain from taking and opted for cheaper bread with daal.
“Why aren’t you eating banana leave rice?” The squeaky voice sounded again.
Smiling plainly, “That’s all I can afford for today until I get my claims.”
“Why? How come? It’s only banana leave rice!” Squeaky the voice with a happy tone.
That’s it. I couldn’t take it anymore. It was my boiling point. Visions were clear and it was a red coloured. It showed that I stood up and shouted at her and everything seemed to be happening fast. I dismissed that thought yet my mouth couldn’t stop, snapping, “What, you want to see what’s in my wallet?”
At that second, I gave it away, I heated and I was defeated by my anger. And then the saviour came, my food was here and the waiters started to pour dishes of vegetables on my other two colleagues. I tried to lighten the atmosphere by getting the fork and spoons from the tray, only finding that the spoons are missing still. I wanted to get out of the place as soon as possible so I started my silent prayer and start tearing the bread with my hands and eat while waiting.
My other colleague, who’s the calm and cool one, knew what was in my head and she started other conversation so that we all have a nicer chat. She knew I didn’t want to talk much and lucky for me since I have an ulcer deep in my lips I diverted the shameful incident and tried to joke about it.
“Enjoy your lunch, girls.” After gobbling off my last piece bread I quickly bid farewell and head back to the office.
What I learn today? I learned that I’ve been creating a bitchy week by dragging the tension of money to myself around the entire week. Not to say that I didn’t enjoy the New Years but I know that what I need to learn is to continue to chuck away the negative thoughts in me. There isn’t any expectation from my colleagues and I shouldn’t take things too personally, since I know my squeaky friend is new and she is just trying to fit in.
I’ll try to learn to be less hostile next week.
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Comment by Andrea
V8 Supercar Pitstop
Don't forget, you're only human. Negative emotions are part-and-parcel of being human and are not all bad.
Sometimes it's good to get rid of all that angst ... you'll feel better in the end. If your friend is a real friend, they'll understand.
A.H.
Comment by Jessicca
Learning Something Everyday
Malaysia Found
Thank you so much for your kind advice. I know it is good to let the angst out once a while, but I always preferred to get it out through singing crazily or perhaps going for a roller coaster ride. LOL...
I feel much better now after doing some hard labour throwing all the dust clogs on the old software boxes.
^_^
Once again thank you so much for dropping by.
Have a great weekend
Jessicca