How To Tell If Your Children Are Planning To Kill You And Bury You In a Shallow Grave: For Dummies.
October 12th 2007 10:59
In this day and age the problem is all too common. It's safe to assume that at least one in three children is actually an evil incarnate and is from birth plotting the grisly death of at least one other individual. However the real question in everyone's mind is: "Who are they going to six in the middle of the night with a blunt object?". It's a tough question, possessed children are hard to predict and even harder to manage once diagnosed. To help you prepare for the inevitable, I've prepared a brief check-list to help you identify and eliminate your own hell-raiser before the problem hits puberty. Lets take a look:
1. People And Crops
Do you or your children actively play in Corn? Or for that matter do you live in on a Farm or in a Rural Area? Actually to be honest, if you answered yes to any of those I'd feel better if you closed this window now. There is nothing more scary in this world than simple country-folk and their children. If you see someone dressed in camouflage and seems to be completely illiterate you can bet your stock portfolio that they are guilty of this offense. Nothing is more disturbing or dangerous to a civilized person than an individual who was raised near crops or farms.
2. Colorfully Diverse Aliens/Demons?
Even if you and your children aren't from the back-woods country of some Zephyr Hills, Harvest-Moon death trap, you are far from safe. In fact, if you catch these culprits on your television or computer you might as well do yourself a favor and put your kids up for adoption now because they're plotting. What makes these cuddly little fiends so deadly you ask? Well I've got two good reasons for you! Firstly, these little abominations speak a language only your child understands. Secondly, they're on Public Broadcasting and in case you don't watch the News, Public Broadcasting is extremely popular among people in Rural and Farming areas (See above). Finally these little death-mongers promote Diversity and anyone who passed the 2nd grade knows that Diversity is more dangerous than a Cobra riding a Shark with Night Vision.
3. Japan
So you've dodged two bullets? Almost home free right? Dead wrong. You've got Japan sneaking up behind you. Probably the sneakiest country in the entire world and one of the most deadly. Japan is not only known for it's venom and bright colors, but also it's advanced technology and heritage of slaughtering your family in their sleep. It's currently unknown just how advanced Japan's technology is but we can assume that it's somewhere between Giant Robots and the ability to control the minds of other human beings. Also- It's reasonable to note that Japan may or may not be able to Time-Travel it's entire island to other periods of time and alter the present. How does this effect your child? Take a long look at that PlayStation 2 you bought your child and ask yourself how good "Mind-Control Station 2" sounds to you? Sleep with that on your mind. Do it.
4. The Father Of All Lies
I know what you're thinking again: "Certainly Elmo is not in on this horrible infiltration of my child's morality?!?" The sad fact of the matter is that Elmo loves your child. In fact, Elmo loves your child enough that he'll gladly front your child money or buy him a new Tonka Truck on his 6th birthday. Where does this benevolent red benefactor go astray? Well it's safe to say that by the time your child turns 2 years old he loves Elmo anywhere from 90 to 1100 times as much as he loves anyone else and his dedication to Elmo is unquestionable. So it's no surprise when Elmo needs someone shot dead in an alley or dumped in the river. Your toddler is happy to oblige.
5. Dora The Inciter?
Nothing could be more dangerous than Dora. Children love her and her brash outspoken ways. Yet the message she brings is anything but kind. First off her title alone says a lot: "Dora The Explorer". It's a known fact that the United States and it's Allies have already explored everything. So what Dora intends to explore is a mystery to everyone. Though I think it's safe to say that Dora plans on exploring some Weapons of Mass Destruction and a bloody South American revolution. Oh my! Did I say South American? How ironic seeing as how Dora not only recruits children to her cause but she teaches them Spanish to facilitate her cause. Strike 2 Dora! Not only are you exploring already claimed turf but you're using an ancient non-English language to promote your Crusade!
This has been a brief overview of some of the most deadly and telltale signs of the evil that broods within every child's heart. You can look into their bulbous eyes and tell that nothing but malice and spite lurks in the mind of a child. Protect yourselves my people. Do not fall prey to the Gnomish armies of infants and kids alike.
The Effing Picture Is Titled??
1. People And Crops
Do you or your children actively play in Corn? Or for that matter do you live in on a Farm or in a Rural Area? Actually to be honest, if you answered yes to any of those I'd feel better if you closed this window now. There is nothing more scary in this world than simple country-folk and their children. If you see someone dressed in camouflage and seems to be completely illiterate you can bet your stock portfolio that they are guilty of this offense. Nothing is more disturbing or dangerous to a civilized person than an individual who was raised near crops or farms.
Satan's Cheerleaders
2. Colorfully Diverse Aliens/Demons?
Even if you and your children aren't from the back-woods country of some Zephyr Hills, Harvest-Moon death trap, you are far from safe. In fact, if you catch these culprits on your television or computer you might as well do yourself a favor and put your kids up for adoption now because they're plotting. What makes these cuddly little fiends so deadly you ask? Well I've got two good reasons for you! Firstly, these little abominations speak a language only your child understands. Secondly, they're on Public Broadcasting and in case you don't watch the News, Public Broadcasting is extremely popular among people in Rural and Farming areas (See above). Finally these little death-mongers promote Diversity and anyone who passed the 2nd grade knows that Diversity is more dangerous than a Cobra riding a Shark with Night Vision.
The Island of Doom
3. Japan
So you've dodged two bullets? Almost home free right? Dead wrong. You've got Japan sneaking up behind you. Probably the sneakiest country in the entire world and one of the most deadly. Japan is not only known for it's venom and bright colors, but also it's advanced technology and heritage of slaughtering your family in their sleep. It's currently unknown just how advanced Japan's technology is but we can assume that it's somewhere between Giant Robots and the ability to control the minds of other human beings. Also- It's reasonable to note that Japan may or may not be able to Time-Travel it's entire island to other periods of time and alter the present. How does this effect your child? Take a long look at that PlayStation 2 you bought your child and ask yourself how good "Mind-Control Station 2" sounds to you? Sleep with that on your mind. Do it.
Friend Or Foe?
4. The Father Of All Lies
I know what you're thinking again: "Certainly Elmo is not in on this horrible infiltration of my child's morality?!?" The sad fact of the matter is that Elmo loves your child. In fact, Elmo loves your child enough that he'll gladly front your child money or buy him a new Tonka Truck on his 6th birthday. Where does this benevolent red benefactor go astray? Well it's safe to say that by the time your child turns 2 years old he loves Elmo anywhere from 90 to 1100 times as much as he loves anyone else and his dedication to Elmo is unquestionable. So it's no surprise when Elmo needs someone shot dead in an alley or dumped in the river. Your toddler is happy to oblige.
Traitor?
5. Dora The Inciter?
Nothing could be more dangerous than Dora. Children love her and her brash outspoken ways. Yet the message she brings is anything but kind. First off her title alone says a lot: "Dora The Explorer". It's a known fact that the United States and it's Allies have already explored everything. So what Dora intends to explore is a mystery to everyone. Though I think it's safe to say that Dora plans on exploring some Weapons of Mass Destruction and a bloody South American revolution. Oh my! Did I say South American? How ironic seeing as how Dora not only recruits children to her cause but she teaches them Spanish to facilitate her cause. Strike 2 Dora! Not only are you exploring already claimed turf but you're using an ancient non-English language to promote your Crusade!
This has been a brief overview of some of the most deadly and telltale signs of the evil that broods within every child's heart. You can look into their bulbous eyes and tell that nothing but malice and spite lurks in the mind of a child. Protect yourselves my people. Do not fall prey to the Gnomish armies of infants and kids alike.
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Comment by Harry
Sydney Diary
Personals
Brisbane Diarystar
Zoo Parent
Comment by Michaelie
Flick Wit
Hilarious post.
Michaelie
Comment by Mountain Fog
Infognito
QUOTE ME NO QUOTES!
Missed the lot!!
Luckily for me I am gay...but....
I do have a small tubby pug dog...who is ALWAYS resting on my left foot as I type on the pooter, and seems to have a strong mind control game going on.....she woofs...or just STARES until I break...and I give her food on demand, take her outside on demand...carry her up and down stairs when she insists....the list goes on...and on...
I think you need to do a post covering pets who use mind control!
cheers
fog
Comment by What's Your Story?
What's Your Story?
Big Day Plunge
Comment by Damo
I totally agree with your assessment.
Even though I have never heard of Dora.
Comment by Mr. D and Philosophy
Comment by Kerryn Wood
DEBATABLE CONVERSATIONS...
....lucky I didn't call either of my kids Damien.......!!
Comment by Marisa
New Spirit New Energy
Comment by AmyHuang
Project Job Search
Travel Debate
Travel String
Love Adventures
Comment by Mrs M
Mum's Word
Very funny post.
Love & stuff
Mrs M
Comment by KylieW
Celebrity Obsession
And you're right.....children in rural farming areas are mostly homicidial maniacs. Oh they look sweet and innocent.....but they aren't!
Comment by Tina Catalina