Totally In Like
August 12th 2008 01:03
Recently I experienced something that was both unexpected and beautiful at the same time. It occurred about a month ago on a peaceful, cool evening. I found myself in the company of a gentleman who intrigued me, made me laugh and gave me energy. Someone who was seemingly comfortable and confident with themselves. A guy who was entirely non-pretentious and open. I felt completely at ease and utterly content to be exactly where I was. No other place that evening could have been as rewarding and fulfilling. I neither wanted to slow down time nor speed it up. I went about the evening without any doubt or regret. I was happy to be where I was, who I was and accepted what was in front of me without any hesitation. I wasn’t the least bit nervous or worried. The simple presence of this man’s spirit was enough to enliven my soul and make me want for nothing more. Nothing.
I had never been capable of having that type of interaction with another guy. Never. And quite possibly what was different about this particular evening was what I was bringing to the table. That night, I was not expecting or wanting anything. I didn’t need anything or anyone to complete or heal a single part of me, for I know that internal wholeness can only be completed by oneself. This type of self-awareness is increasingly becoming more and more common and I am proud of that. However, to have this experience in the presence of another boy had always been impossible for me. I know some elements of my past have been the shared denominator in earlier interactions that were always nerve-wracking and shame producing, but not this time. Not this night.
I still interact with this feeling of bliss to bring me peace when I do find myself getting uptight. I guess what I am most excited about was that on this particular night, my own contentment and freedom was complemented by the soaring enthusiasm and life force of another. And this was something I felt. I do not find myself necessarily hung up on this individual, but rather driven toward desire and passion. To feel this and believe that it was real is the most important gift I will take from this encounter. Whether it was, or is, reciprocated is not of primary importance to me. What is of primary importance is how I was able to react to and feel the situation. I achieved a sense of stable composition and tranquility.
Now I know that this will not be my only opportunity at such an event. Nor is the level of intensity recognized within me incomparable to any other that may come. However, at present, I do not care to have “another.” I don’t want just any other. I believe I have a genuine, bona fide, unquestionable crush. What to do with it is beyond me. That’s the next piece of the puzzle I have yet to figure out.
So I hope that in time, sooner rather than later, I will be guided to and discover the answers, whatever they may be. But I sincerely hope that, this time, the breezes blows my way. The tides turn my way. The leaves fall my way. Yet I do not know and cannot agonize or stress about the final moment of enlightenment, no matter how it is presented to me or in which form it may come. I take what was given to me and am thankful that my life, even for a brief moment, was complemented with another’s essence and being so vivid and bright that my memories have yet to diminish in intensity. My ardent, glowing enchantment with this fellow has given me an added burst of moxie which I can share with others who I am close to. I revel in this new energy and continue to build upon it everyday. The added passion and appetite I now feel for myself is a great reward. Nonetheless, this new attraction and passion has left me in serious like with somebody. Seriously. I’m totally in like.
I had never been capable of having that type of interaction with another guy. Never. And quite possibly what was different about this particular evening was what I was bringing to the table. That night, I was not expecting or wanting anything. I didn’t need anything or anyone to complete or heal a single part of me, for I know that internal wholeness can only be completed by oneself. This type of self-awareness is increasingly becoming more and more common and I am proud of that. However, to have this experience in the presence of another boy had always been impossible for me. I know some elements of my past have been the shared denominator in earlier interactions that were always nerve-wracking and shame producing, but not this time. Not this night.
I still interact with this feeling of bliss to bring me peace when I do find myself getting uptight. I guess what I am most excited about was that on this particular night, my own contentment and freedom was complemented by the soaring enthusiasm and life force of another. And this was something I felt. I do not find myself necessarily hung up on this individual, but rather driven toward desire and passion. To feel this and believe that it was real is the most important gift I will take from this encounter. Whether it was, or is, reciprocated is not of primary importance to me. What is of primary importance is how I was able to react to and feel the situation. I achieved a sense of stable composition and tranquility.
Now I know that this will not be my only opportunity at such an event. Nor is the level of intensity recognized within me incomparable to any other that may come. However, at present, I do not care to have “another.” I don’t want just any other. I believe I have a genuine, bona fide, unquestionable crush. What to do with it is beyond me. That’s the next piece of the puzzle I have yet to figure out.
So I hope that in time, sooner rather than later, I will be guided to and discover the answers, whatever they may be. But I sincerely hope that, this time, the breezes blows my way. The tides turn my way. The leaves fall my way. Yet I do not know and cannot agonize or stress about the final moment of enlightenment, no matter how it is presented to me or in which form it may come. I take what was given to me and am thankful that my life, even for a brief moment, was complemented with another’s essence and being so vivid and bright that my memories have yet to diminish in intensity. My ardent, glowing enchantment with this fellow has given me an added burst of moxie which I can share with others who I am close to. I revel in this new energy and continue to build upon it everyday. The added passion and appetite I now feel for myself is a great reward. Nonetheless, this new attraction and passion has left me in serious like with somebody. Seriously. I’m totally in like.
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