Honoring Abusive Parents
October 8th 2006 01:41
In my recent elder care newsletter I quoted the famous "Honor your father and mother scripture" (Exodus 20:12) which promises long life for those that do so.
I expounded on the thought that as a teen I was clear that honoring meant holding them in high esteem, obeying them and generally conducting myself in an honorable manner whether they were physically in my presence or not.
With the advent of my mom's need for elder care, I realized a new dimension of the word honor wherein what they've taught us about honor comes back to them in the way we treat them when they're no longer able to help themselves. With dignity, love and patience.
Below is an email I received from a reader and my response.
Hi Dee,
I like your newsletter. The parentinng article was great. I really appreciate the honesty. I was reading the bible application and it dawned on me, "what if a parent is not worthy of honor?" The commandment doesn't say honor only if they are worthy. It says honor. How does one honor a parent who has been abusive, disrespectful, etc?
That bible application was truly food for thought. Great job.
Dear Reader from NC,
Glad you were able to get a little food from the newsletter.
Now as to your request, although the commandment doesn't say honor only if worthy, in second testament (new) it says, children obey your parents "in the Lord"
As a teen/young adult you have the get out of jail free card that states that you are to obey/honor your parents "in the Lord" therefore you have the right to refuse to obey that which is ungodly: abuse etc.
In an abusive situation, finding a support group/mentor is key, also in talking a teen can find out
1) It's not that way in everyone's house
2) Other people go through it too
3) There are safe places to go and laws that can protect and advocates to fight on their behalf.
As an adult we have not the same strictures as a teen in that we are easier able to physically remove ourselves from the situation if so choose but mentally that's another story.
With us it's a matter of love. Can we love enough to forgive because God has forgiven us and continues to forgive us in the same way we forgive others.
How we honor is by honoring the ultimate parent in following his commandment to love, even the hard to love folk. Because truly, forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves.
I believe my father was an undiagnosed mentally ill patient, as such he molested most, if not all his daughters. Although difficult dealing with my anger and disappointment toward him, the sneaky sucker was the unmentioned abandonment issues and hidden anger I had towards my mother.
These began to display themselves around the time she began to become even more dependent upon me for her emotional support and security.
There I was thinking I'd exorcised the anger from my dad and that that was all there was. I guess it was a good thing, because had I not dealt with my anger towards my father (and God), there would have been no opportunity for the anger I had towards my mom to rise to the surface and be dealt with.
So i guess what I'm longwindedly coming around to saying is that we honor them by loving them, but that doesn't necessarily mean we have to like them or spend too much time around them.
It was such a relief when I realized that it was okay to love my mom, but not like her personality. The loss of the weight of the guilt made me a much happier person.
In admitting that, it freed me to do what I needed to do to see that she is cared for, open heartedly, grudge free etc. so that every disagreement didn't degenerate into a personal issue with each other.
Peace,
Dee
I expounded on the thought that as a teen I was clear that honoring meant holding them in high esteem, obeying them and generally conducting myself in an honorable manner whether they were physically in my presence or not.
With the advent of my mom's need for elder care, I realized a new dimension of the word honor wherein what they've taught us about honor comes back to them in the way we treat them when they're no longer able to help themselves. With dignity, love and patience.
Below is an email I received from a reader and my response.
***
Hi Dee,
I like your newsletter. The parentinng article was great. I really appreciate the honesty. I was reading the bible application and it dawned on me, "what if a parent is not worthy of honor?" The commandment doesn't say honor only if they are worthy. It says honor. How does one honor a parent who has been abusive, disrespectful, etc?
That bible application was truly food for thought. Great job.
Dear Reader from NC,
Glad you were able to get a little food from the newsletter.
Now as to your request, although the commandment doesn't say honor only if worthy, in second testament (new) it says, children obey your parents "in the Lord"
As a teen/young adult you have the get out of jail free card that states that you are to obey/honor your parents "in the Lord" therefore you have the right to refuse to obey that which is ungodly: abuse etc.
In an abusive situation, finding a support group/mentor is key, also in talking a teen can find out
1) It's not that way in everyone's house
2) Other people go through it too
3) There are safe places to go and laws that can protect and advocates to fight on their behalf.
As an adult we have not the same strictures as a teen in that we are easier able to physically remove ourselves from the situation if so choose but mentally that's another story.
With us it's a matter of love. Can we love enough to forgive because God has forgiven us and continues to forgive us in the same way we forgive others.
How we honor is by honoring the ultimate parent in following his commandment to love, even the hard to love folk. Because truly, forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves.
I believe my father was an undiagnosed mentally ill patient, as such he molested most, if not all his daughters. Although difficult dealing with my anger and disappointment toward him, the sneaky sucker was the unmentioned abandonment issues and hidden anger I had towards my mother.
These began to display themselves around the time she began to become even more dependent upon me for her emotional support and security.
There I was thinking I'd exorcised the anger from my dad and that that was all there was. I guess it was a good thing, because had I not dealt with my anger towards my father (and God), there would have been no opportunity for the anger I had towards my mom to rise to the surface and be dealt with.
So i guess what I'm longwindedly coming around to saying is that we honor them by loving them, but that doesn't necessarily mean we have to like them or spend too much time around them.
It was such a relief when I realized that it was okay to love my mom, but not like her personality. The loss of the weight of the guilt made me a much happier person.
In admitting that, it freed me to do what I needed to do to see that she is cared for, open heartedly, grudge free etc. so that every disagreement didn't degenerate into a personal issue with each other.
Peace,
Dee
| 38 |
| Vote |
Subscribe to this blog
