Honesty - Part One
September 4th 2008 13:28
Sometimes I get to the end of the day and I can't help but feel isolated from everything. I am grateful for the life I've been given, but I struggle to want to live it. I find it hard to want to understand.
I don't understand what that boy was doing with me and I could not explain to you why I let him abuse my trust for so long. I can give plenty of reasons and I'm great at coming out with excuses, but none of them mean anything really.
The thing that hurts is that I never meant anything to him. I guess at one time he valued our friendship, but not enough to keep from jeopardising it. My emotions were a game to him, some sick form of entertainment when his life was going well and he needed to stir things up.
A year ago he tried to cheat on his girlfriend with me, who I am good friends with. That's pretty messed up, right? All I could do was justify that he was going through a rough stage, that he'd made a mistake, that whatever was going on in his life was too much and he lashed out by acting irrationally. He apologised. I told him we needed some space. He apologised some more. And I didn't tell his girlfriend. He messed up, and he was my friend. I couldn't ruin everything between the two of them because he'd slipped up. My friend made a mistake in front of me and I forgave him.
A month or so later and I couldn't get him out of my head. Did he act differently now? Was I beginning to read his actions differently now that I knew? Whatever it was it was wrong. You are not allowed to like your friend's boyfriend. You are not allowed to like your best friend. So I stepped back a little. If I was going to like him I wasn't going to act on it. I should have put it out of my head entirely, should have walked away then.
I get a call one afternoon asking me if I'll be at church. "No," I reply, "I'm at a festival," but the penny had already dropped; he was breaking up with her.
Things change. He wasn't speaking to me terribly much anymore. I was going through a time of darkness and he wasn't there. I asked for help and I felt like my requests were going unanswered.
Do you remember that scene in Amelie? Towards the end, she's making that cake. The music is playing beautiful and slow. The beads rustle and she turns to see the man she's fallen in love with, only it's the cat. You can see it in her eyes; she hates herself for thinking it possible someone had come for her. That scene always makes me cry. I can't explain it any other way but to say that I feel now the way I feel when I watch that scene.
He didn't say anything.
I don't understand what that boy was doing with me and I could not explain to you why I let him abuse my trust for so long. I can give plenty of reasons and I'm great at coming out with excuses, but none of them mean anything really.
The thing that hurts is that I never meant anything to him. I guess at one time he valued our friendship, but not enough to keep from jeopardising it. My emotions were a game to him, some sick form of entertainment when his life was going well and he needed to stir things up.
A year ago he tried to cheat on his girlfriend with me, who I am good friends with. That's pretty messed up, right? All I could do was justify that he was going through a rough stage, that he'd made a mistake, that whatever was going on in his life was too much and he lashed out by acting irrationally. He apologised. I told him we needed some space. He apologised some more. And I didn't tell his girlfriend. He messed up, and he was my friend. I couldn't ruin everything between the two of them because he'd slipped up. My friend made a mistake in front of me and I forgave him.
A month or so later and I couldn't get him out of my head. Did he act differently now? Was I beginning to read his actions differently now that I knew? Whatever it was it was wrong. You are not allowed to like your friend's boyfriend. You are not allowed to like your best friend. So I stepped back a little. If I was going to like him I wasn't going to act on it. I should have put it out of my head entirely, should have walked away then.
I get a call one afternoon asking me if I'll be at church. "No," I reply, "I'm at a festival," but the penny had already dropped; he was breaking up with her.
Things change. He wasn't speaking to me terribly much anymore. I was going through a time of darkness and he wasn't there. I asked for help and I felt like my requests were going unanswered.
Do you remember that scene in Amelie? Towards the end, she's making that cake. The music is playing beautiful and slow. The beads rustle and she turns to see the man she's fallen in love with, only it's the cat. You can see it in her eyes; she hates herself for thinking it possible someone had come for her. That scene always makes me cry. I can't explain it any other way but to say that I feel now the way I feel when I watch that scene.
He didn't say anything.
| 23 |
| Vote |
Subscribe to this blog
