Orble - Hollywood VS Jacki: Film Reviews By A Girl Who Has Way Too Much Time On Her Hands

Hollywood VS Jacki: Film Reviews By A Girl Who Has Way Too Much Time On Her Hands

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I Finally Saw Avatar

March 16th 2010 13:10

I know what you're thinking. Another movie review? Why don't I just get a job as a real film critic already? Well I'll tell you why not - because there are no listings for film critics at My Career. And even if there were, I doubt anyone is going to hire the girl who after watching The Twilight Saga: New Moon, spent 3 and a half paragraphs talking about Rob Pattinson's lopsided nipples.
Regardless. Lets talk about Avatar.

Umm...okay. It is wrong to find an alien handsome? I mean, is this just me? Have I been alone for too long, or were those blue dudes totally hot? I know 'handsome' isn't usually a word one would associate with an extra-terrestrial being, but...damn. Do those guys work out or what? I feel like I spent the first half of the movie reminding myself to breathe. And the second half trying to decide whether the Avatars were hotter than Wentworth Miller from Prison Break. And the cab ride home fighting a heart attack as I imagined Wentworth Miller as an Avatar.
...Oh, my.
What was I talking about again?
Right, right, the movie.
Well first off, is there anyone left in the world who hasn't seen this film yet? Anyone? Is it you? Are you the only person left? If you are, I want you to smack yourself in the face, really really hard. Then quit wasting your time with my blog, and go see it. Now! Right now! Preferably at the IMAX. Do it!
Are you doing it?
DO IT!
Wow, I am bossy today. I feel it's justified though, since this is probably one of the most legendary films ever made. Really. Legendary was the best word I could come up with right then, and even that doesn't do it justice. What's better than legendary?
I'll tell you what is: Avatar.
James Cameron, you've done it again. It's like a wonderful cross between every futuristic movie I've ever seen, Pocahontas and Fern Gully. Remember Fern Gully? From when we were like, 5? With the forest and the fairies and the giant willow tree? Yeah, that plus the entire Sci-Fi genre = Avatar. If Dr Spock, Neo, Pocahontas and the old lady from Fern Gully got drunk at a bar together and went home for some crazy four-way sex, this movie would be the result.
And really, how could anyone say no to that?
No wonder it's the highest grossing movie of all time.

So, in conclusion:
- Avatar is incredible.
- You should all relive your childhoods with a screening of Fern Gully, and
- I am a freak who is attracted to blue aliens.
4 and a half stars.

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Posted By: Jacki Trew - Category: No Category

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Happy Valentine's Day, Assholes!

March 16th 2010 13:08

In the weeks leading up to Valentine’s Day this year, I could be frequently heard insisting that my plans pretty much consisted of TV, expensive soft cheeses, and not having to get dressed.
I lied.
That is how I spent most of Feb 14th, but at around 4 in the afternoon I decided to get off my ass and go ‘celebrate’ with a couple of friends. We ended up at the movies to see – you guessed it – Valentine’s Day.
Alright.
What is it with this movie? It's like an orgy of Hollywood's finest. Julia Roberts, Bradley Cooper, George Lopez, Jennifer Garner, Jessica Biel, Patrick Dempsey, Ashton Kutcher, Topher Grace, Anne Hathaway, Jessica Alba, Queen Latifah...there are more A-listers starring than there were people in the cinema! It's like trying to watch 18 movies at once! And honestly, I don’t want to concentrate on that many storylines - I just want to do what all single people go to the movies to do: sit on my ass, drink coffee and glare resentfully at the couple making out in front.
Ugh.
People in movie theatres. Or to be more specific, people in movie theatres on Valentine's Day. Here's what annoys me: Every time someone famous/hot/semi-naked appeared on screen, the whole audience would gasp. Loudly. REALLY loudly. What is wrong with these people? Is it really that much of a surprise to see Taylor Lautner? Did they not know what movie they'd paid to see? Is Hoyts offering some sort of mystery lucky-dip ticket system these days? What’s the story?!
And speaking of Hoyts movie tickets, I'd like to know when it became acceptable to charge $18.50 for one.
$18.50. For one movie ticket. Are they kidding?! I could MAKE a movie for less than that amount! Not really, but you know what I mean. No wonder the pirated DVD industry is booming.
Truth, however? Putting aside the fact that I'm obviously destined to be lonely, bitter and obsessed with cats for the rest of my life, it's actually a pretty good movie. After all, how could I not enjoy something starring both McDreamy and McSteamy?
3 stars.

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Posted By: Jacki Trew - Category: No Category

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The Only New Moon Review Worth Reading

March 16th 2010 13:07

So, after my brilliant assessment of The Exorcist, I've decided that perhaps I should become a film critic. Here is my review of the newest film in The Twilight Saga, New Moon:
To set the tone, let me tell you that the first thing I remember when I think about this movie is Rob Pattinson's nipples - because they were really lopsided. And not in a good way. Is there a 'good' way for nipples to be lopsided? I don't know. Evidentally, neither does Rob Pattinson.
The second thing I remember is how the Cullen family’s amber-coloured contacts made them all look like robots. So that's it.
My evaluation.

New Moon: If you like robots and irregular nipples, you'll probably enjoy it.

No, I joke. In all fairness, it really was very good. And I'm not just saying that because I dream of creating and then getting married to some sort of Wentworth Miller/Edward Cullen hybrid. That's a large part of it, but there were other things I enjoyed. One thing I liked was how closely they stuck to the original book. How close? I hear you asking. Well, quite close. Closer than Harry Potter, that's for sure. Suck it, Potter! You just got schooled by a bunch of vampires, bitch!
Okay, back to the movie. I was honestly surprised at my reaction to the almost constant presence of Jacob Black. Don't get me wrong, I loath Jacob Black with the fire of a thousand suns and always will, but it's possible that I'm becoming more tolerant of him - I only vomited a little at the sight of his face. And in my mouth. And now, because I am what some people call efficient and others call lazy, I will sum up the rest of New Moon in dot-point form:

•Rosalie/Nikki Reed wears a blonde wig that is lower on the 'real-looking' scale than Bert Newton's toupe
•Jasper's expression when trying not to attack Bella is the funniest thing I have witnessed in about 4 years
•Edward and Bella are the world's most awkward kissers

And on a more serious note:

•Even if you have read the book, the ending will shock you
Anyway. After the movie I came home to find that my mother had dumped the entire contents of my school bag, all the fabric I left in the living room, and every single piece of sewing equipment I own in the middle of my unmade bed. And my cat was nestled comfortably on top. That was my "I just enjoyed 2 hours of Rob-Pattinson-infused-bliss, and now it's time for something to remind me that I have just over 14 days to complete my final college assessment and am completely fucked" moment.
I loved it.

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Posted By: Jacki Trew - Category: No Category

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Ice Spiders - A Movie In Review

March 16th 2010 13:03

It’s not often I sit down to write a completely scathing review about a movie.
Oh, okay. That is a lie.
I frequently find myself sitting down to write completely scathing movie reviews. And, well, today is no exception. Let’s talk about Ice Spiders

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Posted By: Jacki Trew - Category: No Category

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Why 10,000 BC Sucked

March 16th 2010 12:59

I watched 10,000 BC today.
Yeah.
Even though I was warned (firmly) by more than one person not to do so, I felt like I should give it a chance. Here was my reasoning

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Posted By: Jacki Trew - Category: No Category

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