Hints for American Tourists
September 3rd 2010 09:20
Lady Diazepam wishes to print the following guidelines and hand them out to all U.S. tourists visiting Australia:
1. The guide book that told you, "Australia is so casual, you should pack your old clothes and throw them away at the end of your visit" is wrong. It was probably written by someone who hates Americans and wants them to look bad. DON'T wander around Sydney dressed as if you're mowing the lawn or shopping at WalMart.
2. There's a reason why those leather Crocodile Dundee hats are sold at dumb, tacky, touristy shops--nobody wears them except dumb, tacky tourists.
3. Don't wait until you're 65 and married to visit Australia. Australians are much better in bed than Americans. It would be a shame to come all this way and not have the opportunity to slut around.
4. Remember, when talking to your companions on public transport or in restaurants, you are not shouting to your neighbour across your half-acre lawn back home.
5. If you have trouble understanding someone's Aussie accent, say, "Pardon me?" DON'T stare and say, "Whut??"
6. Don't walk three abreast on a narrow footpath.
7. The doorways in tiny historic Sydney shops in the Rocks are smaller than the doors of a WalMart back home. Therefore, it is important not to stand in the doorway of a shop perusing postcards whilst wearing a backpack.
8. For elderly folks arriving on cruise ships who only venture ashore in groups, PLEASE don't wear identical tracksuits with "Australia" stamped all over them.
9. If you're fat, cover up at the beach. Fat chicks: NO TOPLESS SUNBATHING.
10. If you hear my American accent, don't turn around and exclaim, "Oh! You're like me!" I am most certainly not like you.
Footnote: Lady Diazepam was born in Dayton, Ohio, the most nowhere place in America. She escaped from the Midwest after graduating from Michigan State University, pissed away her twenties in Japan, and has lived in Sydney since 1995. She is an Australian citizen.
1. The guide book that told you, "Australia is so casual, you should pack your old clothes and throw them away at the end of your visit" is wrong. It was probably written by someone who hates Americans and wants them to look bad. DON'T wander around Sydney dressed as if you're mowing the lawn or shopping at WalMart.
2. There's a reason why those leather Crocodile Dundee hats are sold at dumb, tacky, touristy shops--nobody wears them except dumb, tacky tourists.
3. Don't wait until you're 65 and married to visit Australia. Australians are much better in bed than Americans. It would be a shame to come all this way and not have the opportunity to slut around.
4. Remember, when talking to your companions on public transport or in restaurants, you are not shouting to your neighbour across your half-acre lawn back home.
5. If you have trouble understanding someone's Aussie accent, say, "Pardon me?" DON'T stare and say, "Whut??"
6. Don't walk three abreast on a narrow footpath.
7. The doorways in tiny historic Sydney shops in the Rocks are smaller than the doors of a WalMart back home. Therefore, it is important not to stand in the doorway of a shop perusing postcards whilst wearing a backpack.
8. For elderly folks arriving on cruise ships who only venture ashore in groups, PLEASE don't wear identical tracksuits with "Australia" stamped all over them.
9. If you're fat, cover up at the beach. Fat chicks: NO TOPLESS SUNBATHING.
10. If you hear my American accent, don't turn around and exclaim, "Oh! You're like me!" I am most certainly not like you.
Footnote: Lady Diazepam was born in Dayton, Ohio, the most nowhere place in America. She escaped from the Midwest after graduating from Michigan State University, pissed away her twenties in Japan, and has lived in Sydney since 1995. She is an Australian citizen.
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