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Hedging In on the Over-30 Crowd... - by E.Wood

Oncoming Fear

April 20th 2007 23:45

I've been up for the majority of the day, if you consider a day starting after 10am. I've been trying to sleep - I've got to work all night tonight - but once you get past a certain point there just is no point. I could maybe get an hour's nap if I laid down now, but I know it won't work out. I've been going back and forth from the bed all day, and I know there won't be any sleep until tomorrow morning. I will just have to push through, is all. I've learned one can usually get away with an hour or so of shut-eye at work, but that isn't something I want to count on.
I thought this last time I was in bed that it would work out, that I would get some of that sleep. Then a thought popped in my head and I've been tossing about trying to ignore it. And you know how things go when you try to ignore something in your head: you just worry it more and more.

We all know this job is a dead-end for me. I keep saying that I am waiting for the records to get back from Ohio, then I will apply for the city's CSO position. A starter job, for sure, but a foot in the door is what I have to think. And I know I can fulfill all the requirements of the job, and any job after I go for, but a condition of employment is passing a polygraph test. Everything I've read is that it's bunk science, worthless, but it isn't so much the test that gets you down but the examiner's whim. Whether or not I go in and lie, there'll be something for him to latch on too. I don't want to get too worried about it, because that is really how it beats you, but I have to think that if I don't pass the examination, then I've got two years of school just wasted. And, honestly, I can't go in to tell the truth, as sad as that is. I have to count on being evasive on some questions, because the truth will not get me hired. I feel like a jackass for having to worry about this; if this was something I would have to worry about, then what the hell am I going pursuing this career choice

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I've Been Sworn to Secrecy!

April 18th 2007 20:48

And here I go violating that secrecy....
My friend - and let's just call him my friend - is a lonely man. It used to be, he got plenty of action. It used to be, at the bars and clubs, he could find someone to go home with. A lot of this was due to who he hung out with. Many of us saw his friendships with these individuals not particularily good for him, but he's getting laid, so why should he listen? And it wasn't like these individuals were rotten guys, they were okay enough, they just weren't a good influence on my friend. They led to a heavy dose of cnceit for him and a lot of flimsy relationships.
To give my friend credit, he has turned a lot around for himself. It was five years ago that the majority of us got out of that party/club scene and now he has a good steady job teaching special ed. kids. He put on a few pounds, but he is fighting to get all that off. Drinking and the slight drug use has been severly cut out and he is pretty much financially secure. He's not rich, but he can take care of himself. But he's lonely

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School is Now In Session

April 17th 2007 21:35

Just a quick scribble here before I turn the rest of the day over to my scholastic endeavors. I guess I checked too early Sunday morning and there was nothing, so I didn't check for the rest of the day or any on Monday. Then I got an email yesterday from a professor, just a general email, and so I popped in. So I already feel a little behind for classes now, even though it was only two days. The first unit is always the worst: getting into the rythm of class and fitting it into the pattern of my days. With working third shift, that is a big concern for me right now because I really haven't yet gotten to a rythm for my days yet.
Anyway, class will be fine. I am a little behind where I'd like to be (which is pretty much done with the heavy work and just coasting along) but I got all my Comp. reading done and will have the essay opinions done today. I have to write up a short bio for Biological Evidence and talk a little about what I've liked so far from what I've learned. Then I can hit on my Criminalistics reading and have a couple additional posts done today. Hopefully all before Leslie gets home.
The feeling of being behind is just my self-imposed expectations. I pulled a 98, 98 & 100 last quarter. I really am not a very studious student; most of my homework was done in front of the television. I'm figuring I will have a it of time at work to work on homework, but the majority of it all will have to be done on these three days in the middle of the week. And Thursday is a bad day because it is the one day Leslie and I share off. But I am going to push myself with this. I do not want to think I am going to get stuck being a security guard for the years to come. I shouldn't bitch about the job, and maybe I am just deluding myself, but I think I can do more with my life. I am scared of getting tired of school, I think that was the problem when I was taking those business classes right after the IT Certificate courses. But I just have to look in the mirror when I get dressed for work and be a bit honest with myself: Is this what I want my life to be?
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Woe...Thy Name is Moolah

April 14th 2007 19:36

I'm getting set to try sleeping. Can't think of too much else I need to do here. I don't know if classes start tomorrow or next Sunday. I suppose it doesn't matter, there isn't a lot I can do to pre-prepare anyway.
I try very hard to not get overly concerned about money. Leslie and I already have the agreement that she'll handle the majority of the bills until I am through with school and have found a "career" job. Which I am grateful for, I am. I haven't gotten below a 98% for any of my quarters, except for that brief time I thought it would be good to take some business courses. I've paid up on all my fines and gotten my license back. I have food, video games and alcohol. But still, shallow pockets continue to flank me. And I know it's my fault.

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An Explaination

April 12th 2007 01:15

I don't know why, but I wanted to point out any mention of killing is purely in the video-game sense. i am not a homicidal sociopath, but i do get a certain sense of glee from mass destruction on the idiot box, especially if i am able to, even vicariously, partake. Video gaming is my only destructive outlet (yes, I know there are games which can be constructive; I avoid these no matter what reviews my friends give) and I am altogether quiet and mannered otherwise.
I have been playing Hitman: Blood Money, not going very fast because gaming takes a back seat to classes. But the quarter is over and I have just beat the game. I am going to give Enter the Matrix a try here, but I kind of suspect I am not going to like it very well. If I can't get into it, then I am going back to Resident Evil 4, which I haven't beaten yet but I also think I might have erased the saved data from the memory card. I'm not going to get a lot of time tonight to play anyways; Leslie is off work in an hour or so and I try not to ignore her for video games.
Hmm, sex or PS2

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A Quick Introduction, then back to the killing

April 11th 2007 02:53

I don't know how many blogs I've gone through with dissatisfaction. Which is not the fault of any blogging spot. After a certain point, I began to heavily censor myself. While it is always going to generally be my ramblings on one thing or another, I figured I needed to keep away anything that really got in my mind. Usually because its effects could disrupt others in my life.
And I still have that concern, but I also feel like I am stifling myself in order to be the good boy. And, so, instead any frustrations get carried out in other manners and my interest in doing any almost-substantial writing also lags. Which is dissatisfying even more.
So, I stumbled in here. It'd be nice to make some money, but for the most part I just wanted a concrete place where I can ramble. I will post opinions, views, information that may be of interest to others (and I will throw up an appropriate title when these posts come along), I will post up personal reviews of movies and books as well, though they will generally be of older fare; I really don't get out all that often. But a lot of what will end up here will be just me. Sometimes I will use foul language, sometimes it'll be evident I am drunk, sometimes I will just be babbling about nothing in particular. Sometimes I will be a whiny bitch. If anything useful or interesting or informative comes out of this blog, it is first and foremost just a blog about my life. If, along the way, you have any comments or suggestions that could add to this bable, feel free to give it to me. I'm sure I won't be interesting all the time. But I will be real all through

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April 2007

6 Posts

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6 Posts dating from April 2007

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