Hating Thyself
February 3rd 2009 02:29
Funny how the first principle of spirituality, "KNOW THYSELF" often leads to the above.
Well, I did it, you know. I went in, and spoke to the lovely woman at the reception desk. There were no councellors available, so she took me to a little session room where I spoke to one on the phone.
It was a hoary old lady with a smokers cough. Couldnt have done better, really. She was great. It followed the same pattern - awkwardness to start, following with a screaming intimacy that only happens with strangers - words poured out and out and out and in the end...Really, nothing had changed. She recommended full time counselling, but all of the mind tricks she recommended Id already been using. I told her, I need help now because all of thats not working. Before she could berate me for stupid or self destructive behaviour I jumped in and did it first. We clicked well. When she was about to advise me, I would run around in a little circle to show her, Ive done that. Ive taken the good advice. Its not working now. So, the end of the conversation became well, just keep doing what you'e doing then.
When I came out, a councellor was free. I decided to go and do a first contact interview to set me up for the future. And thats when it happened.
I realized how much I hate myself. In conversation, I dominate, with my vocabulary, my deep voice, my passion. In front of her, I stuttered. My voice failed me. The confident gaze I use to stare people down leapt around the room, refusing to make eye contact, refusing to rest on any object. My hands leapt out of my lap repeatedly, trying to draw my words into the air.
None of this had been apparent on the phone. True, I stuttered, and my right hand sketched frantically with the blue ballpoint, but the words flowed. Face to face, they failed. I was wrung out, exhausted, squeezed.....And there was no relief, no help for it. Just keep doing what you are doing.
And on the way home, mind floating, I realized something. Its never going to be over. Not until I get a closure of some kind. Thats something significant Ive learned today. But that closure is a dangerous thing. Thats what I already knew.
Im such a pathetic creature, such a horrid little peson. I wont forgive myself for any of it, any word, any action, and Im not forgiving my enemy either. Things are rearranging themselves in my head and I think it will all come back to the same conclusion. Whatever, I knew this was going to be a complete waste of time.
Well, I did it, you know. I went in, and spoke to the lovely woman at the reception desk. There were no councellors available, so she took me to a little session room where I spoke to one on the phone.
It was a hoary old lady with a smokers cough. Couldnt have done better, really. She was great. It followed the same pattern - awkwardness to start, following with a screaming intimacy that only happens with strangers - words poured out and out and out and in the end...Really, nothing had changed. She recommended full time counselling, but all of the mind tricks she recommended Id already been using. I told her, I need help now because all of thats not working. Before she could berate me for stupid or self destructive behaviour I jumped in and did it first. We clicked well. When she was about to advise me, I would run around in a little circle to show her, Ive done that. Ive taken the good advice. Its not working now. So, the end of the conversation became well, just keep doing what you'e doing then.
When I came out, a councellor was free. I decided to go and do a first contact interview to set me up for the future. And thats when it happened.
I realized how much I hate myself. In conversation, I dominate, with my vocabulary, my deep voice, my passion. In front of her, I stuttered. My voice failed me. The confident gaze I use to stare people down leapt around the room, refusing to make eye contact, refusing to rest on any object. My hands leapt out of my lap repeatedly, trying to draw my words into the air.
None of this had been apparent on the phone. True, I stuttered, and my right hand sketched frantically with the blue ballpoint, but the words flowed. Face to face, they failed. I was wrung out, exhausted, squeezed.....And there was no relief, no help for it. Just keep doing what you are doing.
And on the way home, mind floating, I realized something. Its never going to be over. Not until I get a closure of some kind. Thats something significant Ive learned today. But that closure is a dangerous thing. Thats what I already knew.
Im such a pathetic creature, such a horrid little peson. I wont forgive myself for any of it, any word, any action, and Im not forgiving my enemy either. Things are rearranging themselves in my head and I think it will all come back to the same conclusion. Whatever, I knew this was going to be a complete waste of time.
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