Grey cobwebs in the morning...
October 19th 2008 23:22
Well, Im not going.
If I was going, Id have to get ready to leave...Well. Now. You know, I see those ads, where they say, do you feel sick? Do you not like yourself? (they put it nicely dont they?) How about fucking loathing then? What if you LOATHE yourself? I dont have a gambling hangover, I have a me hangover. I am making myself sick, and I have been for years.
Yet I do nothing about it. So I must be ok with it. I havnt even had breakfast yet. Once, I believed the only breakfast was a coffee and a cigarette. Im halfway there, Ive had the smoke.
I worked out this morning. Not hard though. I really should. The one thing you can have in the depths of depression is a fantastic body. It comes from hating. You hate yourself, which leads to hating food. This leads to liking pain, and thus you fast. For the starvation pain. And you work out, for the immediate pain.
Fuck. What a loser. I had two jobs offered me and Im not taking either of them. Im so fucking desperate, I dont have the right to be choosy. But choosy is what I am. Or is it just anxious? The psychiatrists - indeed, all those doctor people - they like blaming the anxiety, the depression. But what if thats not the problem?
When my boyfriend calls, and I tell him Im not going, he'll laugh. Its funny to him, my insanity. He's not worried, but he should be. Its near christmas, and for months now Ive done nothing nothing nothing...
Sometimes, especially times like this, I feel like calling him. The other guy. He'll pay me...For my services. Im not sure how much, we never worked out those details. But I wouldnt have to work anymore. Well, in a manner of speaking. In a way, I will be working, very hard, but it wont be so hard as those bright hard places full of people where they judge and judge and judge....Just him and his...Demands.
Fuck Im hungry. I was laying in bed this morning dreaming of pancakes. Not dreaming, cos I was awake, but it was like dreaming. So like dreaming, close to the sleep world. But pancakes. I have no syrup. Thats fucked. I dont have a pancake mix, but you know, I dont think anyone these days can even make anything without a premix. The other night, I realized I had no satay mix, would you believe, I made spicy chicken and vegetable WITHOUT a pre mix? You can do it, it is possible. So, by that thinking, I could find flour and milk and egg and have the pancakes. With no syrup. But you know, thats my life.
I should make the coffee, really, so I can wake up and smell it. I'll feel good, as I start drinking it, and then I'll wake up enough to realize that Im sitting here, I didnt go to my first day at the new job, copped out, smacked it, and now Im killing myself on the me hangover....
Oh. I need some depressing music. This happy music is grating on me today. The happiest music is depressing if you listen to it properly.
You know whats a good way to waste a day? Codiene. Its the unsung drug, the original opiate. Gotta be careful with that shit though, its always mixed with paracetamol and that shit will rot your guts. I know. But 5 good codiene pills would go down good right now....I should eat. But I just cleaned the kitchen.
Yeah, cleaned up the place before coffee or breakfast or anything. Didnt have to. Could have left it in shit. But I cleaned. Might as well make the house the opposite of myself.....Only it didnt work. Its cleaned but it looks just as dirty and filthy as it did before.
If I was going, Id have to get ready to leave...Well. Now. You know, I see those ads, where they say, do you feel sick? Do you not like yourself? (they put it nicely dont they?) How about fucking loathing then? What if you LOATHE yourself? I dont have a gambling hangover, I have a me hangover. I am making myself sick, and I have been for years.
Yet I do nothing about it. So I must be ok with it. I havnt even had breakfast yet. Once, I believed the only breakfast was a coffee and a cigarette. Im halfway there, Ive had the smoke.
I worked out this morning. Not hard though. I really should. The one thing you can have in the depths of depression is a fantastic body. It comes from hating. You hate yourself, which leads to hating food. This leads to liking pain, and thus you fast. For the starvation pain. And you work out, for the immediate pain.
Fuck. What a loser. I had two jobs offered me and Im not taking either of them. Im so fucking desperate, I dont have the right to be choosy. But choosy is what I am. Or is it just anxious? The psychiatrists - indeed, all those doctor people - they like blaming the anxiety, the depression. But what if thats not the problem?
When my boyfriend calls, and I tell him Im not going, he'll laugh. Its funny to him, my insanity. He's not worried, but he should be. Its near christmas, and for months now Ive done nothing nothing nothing...
Sometimes, especially times like this, I feel like calling him. The other guy. He'll pay me...For my services. Im not sure how much, we never worked out those details. But I wouldnt have to work anymore. Well, in a manner of speaking. In a way, I will be working, very hard, but it wont be so hard as those bright hard places full of people where they judge and judge and judge....Just him and his...Demands.
Fuck Im hungry. I was laying in bed this morning dreaming of pancakes. Not dreaming, cos I was awake, but it was like dreaming. So like dreaming, close to the sleep world. But pancakes. I have no syrup. Thats fucked. I dont have a pancake mix, but you know, I dont think anyone these days can even make anything without a premix. The other night, I realized I had no satay mix, would you believe, I made spicy chicken and vegetable WITHOUT a pre mix? You can do it, it is possible. So, by that thinking, I could find flour and milk and egg and have the pancakes. With no syrup. But you know, thats my life.
I should make the coffee, really, so I can wake up and smell it. I'll feel good, as I start drinking it, and then I'll wake up enough to realize that Im sitting here, I didnt go to my first day at the new job, copped out, smacked it, and now Im killing myself on the me hangover....
Oh. I need some depressing music. This happy music is grating on me today. The happiest music is depressing if you listen to it properly.
You know whats a good way to waste a day? Codiene. Its the unsung drug, the original opiate. Gotta be careful with that shit though, its always mixed with paracetamol and that shit will rot your guts. I know. But 5 good codiene pills would go down good right now....I should eat. But I just cleaned the kitchen.
Yeah, cleaned up the place before coffee or breakfast or anything. Didnt have to. Could have left it in shit. But I cleaned. Might as well make the house the opposite of myself.....Only it didnt work. Its cleaned but it looks just as dirty and filthy as it did before.
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