Grace

I've been thinking about an old friend lately and I suppose I'll share. About 9 or 10 years ago I became involved in a couple online support groups for (mostly) troubled/mentally ill teens. While the membership was ever-changing, there were about 50 of us that were constant. There were meet-ups (before actual meet-ups) in places across the country. The one I attended was in CA.

Anyway. There was a man on one of the main websites that a close friend of mine dated, and then hurt very badly in the end. I became very close to him (online, we never ended up meeting). There is a horribly long and drawn-out story that goes with this. In the last few weeks, I knew he was suicidal. We talked about it a lot, and I tried to be supportive and talk him out of it. The problem was that his parents had basically given him permission to do so, because they'd seen him suffering for the previous 11 years (dating back to his first suicide attempt at around age 12).

I knew he was going to do it, I knew he had a gun, I didn't know when. It felt like every time we talked, it'd be the last. I'd get off the phone or AIM and just cry because I couldn't do anything. One morning he called me to tell me he hadn't done it the night before. He sounded better, I was happy to hear his voice. I found out later that he'd gotten together with his best friend that night and they had a great time. The next afternoon his father called me to tell me he'd killed himself. I was devastated. I even called the police in his town to make sure it wasn't some sick joke. I wish it had been.

It'll be 7 years in October. That was the motto of the website - "Seven years is a long time" - symbolizing the 7 years you're a teenager. It is a long time but some days it feels like yesterday.

While I know it wasn't my fault, and I couldn't have stopped him....sometimes I can't remember that. I'm not particularly spiritual, but sometimes if I get really down, not sure if I can pull myself out of it...I think about him watching me and holding me up. It's still painful and I'm still angry sometimes. I lost a really good friend (his ex-girlfriend) in the whole thing. I'll always remember him.