Funnel Web
October 20th 2008 04:39
Have you ever seen one up close? we have one living in our kitchen window right now. He/She is a big mother. You can see the jaws and everything. But the web....The strands are thicker, stickier, than other webs. And the way they funnel down down down...No escape. Deadly.
That must be the web Im caught in...Because I keep getting those sticky strands wound around me no matter what I do.
My whole life, I never wanted to get pregnant. To me, it was the most perfect way to fuck up a lot of lives. First of all my own. Suddenly my every minute - even those precious ones where I have a glass of wine in my hand - belong to a squalling child that wont even thank me for my efforts. No, it'll hate me, tell me I did everything wrong, and fucked up its poor head in the process. And you know what, even though its not even born, it'd be right. Parents do that to kids. Considering what my family has done to me, not to mention the rest of the careless human population, why would I want to bring a life form into this horrific and painful place?
But now.....I just dont care. I actually think, the more fucked up my kid is the better it might be able to cope. I mean, its going to get a nice big slice of mental illness from me, and its daddy, add to that my lackluster mothering skills and we're boardering on a serial killer. But thats ok too. The next generation shall complete that which this generation only dreamed of. The next generation always improves upon the last.
I used to sit and meditate - "Dont let me be pregnant, dont let me be pregnant" and Id even go to the trouble of visualizing claws and hooks, and ripping them through my womb. Id envision hard knives tearing into barely developed spinal cord. Make it clear to any out there - do not implant here! You are not wanted!
But now.....Now I think Id like to see just how fucked up my kids could be. After 9 months in here they will probably claw me open to get out.
Its the only way to get Centrelink payments.
That must be the web Im caught in...Because I keep getting those sticky strands wound around me no matter what I do.
My whole life, I never wanted to get pregnant. To me, it was the most perfect way to fuck up a lot of lives. First of all my own. Suddenly my every minute - even those precious ones where I have a glass of wine in my hand - belong to a squalling child that wont even thank me for my efforts. No, it'll hate me, tell me I did everything wrong, and fucked up its poor head in the process. And you know what, even though its not even born, it'd be right. Parents do that to kids. Considering what my family has done to me, not to mention the rest of the careless human population, why would I want to bring a life form into this horrific and painful place?
But now.....I just dont care. I actually think, the more fucked up my kid is the better it might be able to cope. I mean, its going to get a nice big slice of mental illness from me, and its daddy, add to that my lackluster mothering skills and we're boardering on a serial killer. But thats ok too. The next generation shall complete that which this generation only dreamed of. The next generation always improves upon the last.
I used to sit and meditate - "Dont let me be pregnant, dont let me be pregnant" and Id even go to the trouble of visualizing claws and hooks, and ripping them through my womb. Id envision hard knives tearing into barely developed spinal cord. Make it clear to any out there - do not implant here! You are not wanted!
But now.....Now I think Id like to see just how fucked up my kids could be. After 9 months in here they will probably claw me open to get out.
Its the only way to get Centrelink payments.
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