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Fragmented Observation

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Pardon

December 22nd 2010 13:39

It can come early in the morning after not enough sleep, it can occur late in the afternoon after a long day, it can be the fault of too many thoughts running through your head and trying to get out, or it can just be a brain fart, but make no mistake- statements that make no sense, or perfectly innocent comments that get corrupted by dirty minded co-workers, are rife in all working environments. I began noticing a frequency of this in my own office, so I decided to be pro-active- I made us a quotes poster and stuck it to the wall. It wasn’t long before our poster was full and we needed to add another page. My only regret is that I didn’t think of it earlier than August- just think of the things that were said and never recorded! So to celebrate I have decided to post our quotes for your enjoyment.

"And no one even noticed I was under the table!"

"Yeah well a mosquito just bit me on the arse. so beat that"

"Did you just drop pizza?
Uhhhh...it wasn't me
Did you just drop chicken
NO
Are you doing a stripper routine?

"Nah, my house is pretty cool- I'd live in it"

"I feel like poking someone in the eye"
"Yeah, I feel like poking too"

"Get your tools out boys!!!"

"My arse hurts....just the cheek"

"Get your lips out"

"Ladies, i bought in some cheese in case i'm not here later"

"I just sat on the toilet and got eyeballed by Kevin"

"hey, can i borrow your jugs for the weekend?"

She's all anal in the eyeball"

"does anyone have any chocolate? No, that's not the word. Does anyone have any tweezers?"

"I don't think I even have 27 bottoms that I own!"

"I've got such big holes"

"Sorry I just had to kick myself in the ass"

"i can't open this door!!!" (knocking on the window)

"yeah, like you know that time we broke into her car and did stuff?"

"A Catholic school? JESUS!"

"i played with the 17 year old boy from across the road" (it should be noted here that we were talking about golf)

'mmm. i had a big fat one- it was gorgeous"

It should be noted here that looking back and reading them again- many weren’t even that funny, but for some reason, at some point in time we thought they were hilarious. Just as amusing is the look on everyone else’s face when they read our quotes board and just say “WHAT?” It’s a nice conversation starter, and every so often we looked back and reflected on the things we said and laughed. I hope that this has entertained you, but more importantly, I hope this has inspired you to start off your new working year with a quotes poster. You won’t regret it.

PS: it should also be noted that you must attribute the quote to the person/people who said it. I have deleted mine for the privacy (and dignity) of my colleagues.

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Posted By: Lauren 4 - Category: No Category

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YOU FOUND WHAT?

December 22nd 2010 12:45

“How many dead animals in your ceiling?” It’s my new concept for a television program, much along the lines of “how clean is your house?” But instead of a team of people scouring the house for germs and cleaning it from top to bottom- they scour your ceiling and walls for decomposing carcases and remove them. Laugh if you must, but I find the whole idea rather fascinating. The thought of Kim and Aggie crawling about in random roof cavities looking for dead animals (and possibly human- let’s not discriminate)also entertains me.

Now there is some logic to all of this, and naturally a background story. A few years ago I found out that my grandparents had a carpet snake living in their ceiling. I was mortified “what do you mean, you knowingly had a snake in your ceiling?” and the simple, unphased response was “yes, he ate all the mice”. Now as this was mentioned, I did recall that in some area of my general knowledge I was aware that people, particularly of the older generations did knowingly have carpet snakes in their houses as a means of rodent control, but it did raise one particular question “what happens when the snake dies?” If you knowingly have one in your house, is there some duty of care to make sure it’s still alive every now and then? Or do you only know when you start getting an unusual amount of mice, or start noticing a funky smell wafting from an undisclosed location? Orrr, when you get up into the ceiling to do something else and find an “elephant graveyard” like in the Lion King, but for carpet snakes and their bones/skin? My guess is that this is something that people never really have to worry about as; no one really thinks about these things, plus the lifespan of a carpet python is 20-30 years so you either inherit it, or only need to deal with it once AND for the most part if there IS a dead snake in the ceiling, the only evidence would be funky stench every now and then that everyone is just perfectly happy to blame on the dog/husband/grandma. These are all thoughts that until now, I’ve kept to myself.

Upon facebooking recently, one of my friends reported that she had uncovered, via infra-red technology (for unrelated reasons), the body of a snake (possibly a basilisk?) inside her wall. FINALLY- a chance for me to ask all of these questions that I’ve had cooped up inside for a few years. So, in answer to my questions- yes, it does smell but can apparently be somewhat masked by lavender water and an open window. Secondly, due to the positioning of the snake inside the wall, there is currently no plan of removing it. As disgusting as it sounds, I’d be really tempted to smash a hole in the wall just to see what it looked like, to see if it fell on the floor or stuck to the walls and to find out exactly how much it actually stunk. Either that, or I would be too scared to go anywhere near the walls in case I accidently touched them and got dead snake on me.

I did have more trapped wall snake specific questions like
“was it stretched out or bunched up”
“have you noticed an increase in mice scampering in the ceiling?”
“was it constricting something at the time of death?”
“did you give it a name?”
I’m also very interested to know how it actually died. Old age? Infection (did you know snakes have no way of cleaning themselves, so if their skin breaks they are pretty much dead), suffocation (ironic)? But I think an autopsy would be going a little OTT.

After thinking about this for awhile, I decided to consult the two wisest people I know. So while sitting on the verandah of my grandparent’s place I started with “I’ve got a question for you” which was met by a look of curiosity and expectation, so i continued “you know how people have snakes in their ceiling.....? *looks of amusement and concern crossed the Grandies faces* so I delved deeper “how do you know when the snake is dead?” Nan laughs and Pop informs me that smell would be the only indicator. Apparently snakes and humans are the worst smelling decomposers. They then regaled me with stories about snakes from their own ceilings and the house a few streets over that had three carpet snakes that fell through the ceiling when it was being renovated. I have, therefore, deduced that a snake death in a ceiling/wall isn’t as absurd as I had initially thought. In fact, I believe this notion warrants further investigation of ceilings, or at least the questioning of the people who live under them.

I’m currently staying at my Aunty’s place. I asked her if she has a snake in her roof and she replied “f*cked if i know what’s up there. I know we’ve got dead birds in the chimney. You hear them scratch around when they fly in, but then they must suffocate and die, cos you stop hearing them.” Good point. Birds get into rooves and for snakes to be able to survive they need to live on the aforementioned mice, plus the spiders and other insects, so does this not indicate that ceilings are indeed a menagerie? I think so.

Why stop at animals (living or dead) what other things do you find when poking around up there? I remember Dad uncovering a sawn-off double barrelled rifle in our ceiling when we moved in. Who knows what else you would find. It all makes for interesting conversation, and possibly a TV show.

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Posted By: Lauren 4 - Category: No Category

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False promises?

August 11th 2010 09:09

Here I sit, yet again vowing to an invisible audience of probably non-existent readers that I will commit to this blog.

I've been inspired. Inspired by someone who I share an office with who has started writing a novel. Inspired by a close friend of mine who is enthusiastically creating her own blog. Inspired by the memory of how much I loved writing, and how much I still do.

Unfortunately, I've noticed a significant decline in my written abilities, so in an attempt to sharpen my skills and unleash my inner thoughts- I shall embark on a new and hopefully prosperous blogging adventure.

Fingers crossed

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The Mythical CWA

August 11th 2010 08:59

30/03/09

I know it's been a long time between blogs, but I have some exciting news to share with you all. No, really I do

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Who Woulda Thunk It?

October 23rd 2008 16:26

MATURE CONTENT

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Posted By: Lauren 4 - Category: No Category

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slack, slacker, slackest

September 7th 2008 14:30

Well, I'm not sure who out there will ever read this, as I do get an email everyday saying that no one has visited my blog, which is perfectly justifiable as I haven't actually written anything on it since I started up. It was all good intentions, but as you've probably gathered I was slack, then got slacker and am now the slackest blogger on Orble.

But just to give you all some insight, I hand write all my blogs (with exception to this one) before posting them online, so I have quite a few in my notebook and haven't actually got around to retyping them yet. That being said, you can expect a big wham bam of invaluable/nonsensical insights from me in the next few days

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What are you getting yourselves into?

May 17th 2008 14:00

Essentially this blog will talk about the happenings of life. I can't be pinned down to writing about sport when I have a burning desire to tell you all about my latest shopping experience. So I've allowed myself some freedom here. Expect to read about things I find funny, things I find sad, things that annoy me or things that inspire me. Read about music, sport, world issues/events, entertainment goss and the ill-behaved children that live in my street.

So this brings us to why I've suddenly decided to subject you all to my nattering. I've recently finished my Journalism degree, minoring in media and communication and creative writing. Unfortunately I don't actually have a job as a journalist yet and I was in desperate need of a creative outlet and potential audience. I am hoping that some of you will identify with, learn something from, or laugh with/at me

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