FASD and Violence Part 2
June 8th 2011 06:01
In a recent study in Canada it was discovered that as many as 80% of repeat violent offenders had a background consistent with FASD. This has led to a dialogue in the Canadian court system that will hopefully bring about change in how FASD offenders are treated. But can we as parents begin to bring about change before our children end up in the criminal justice system?
As hopeless as it sometimes seems, there are ways to help prevent violence in FASD children. This does not mean the child will change. , This means the environment in which we raise our children must be changed. This was something I had a difficult time coming to grips with. It seems even difficult for the professionals to understand. For a couple of years they kept coming up with ways that I could help Iaehsia change. With little impulse control, a low frustration tolerance level and comprehension problems on my daughter’s part, naturally these methods failed.
When it dawned on me fully that my daughter did not even understand what we were doing at these counselling sessions or with play therapy, I realized we had reached an impasse. It wasn’t her that was going to change. Life had to change.
Up until this time we had been a foster family. That was what led us to seek professional help. Despite having lived with other children all her little life, Iaehsia seemed to have a basic urge to bully. It was not the usual child bullying with a push or shove, or mimicry. Our daughter was brutally violent. She choked and beat, pulled hair until it was almost pulled off another child’s head. She showed a complete lack of empathy. Other children were either toys or a nuisance to her. If they did not obey her every command, of which there were many, they were beaten. Size did not matter to her. Her victims ranged from younger children to teenagers. The day I realized for certain that this was not going to change, I phoned social services and told them we were finished fostering. I could no longer bring children into my home to be victimized. I could no longer handle the stress of spending every moment trying to get in between my daughter and the other children in my home.
It wasn’t that my daughter was just plain mean. There was a huge element of non-comprehension. If she wanted to play by styling another child’s hair and the other child was not compliant Iaeshia would pull them by the hair to where she wanted them and set to work despite their screaming and crying. We completely failed in our attempts to correct her behaviour. She could argue about why she was right to do this all day. It was always the other child’s fault for not playing nice. I simply began to accept that right now, this was who she was and our home was not safe for other children.
What in Your Environment Needs to Change?
The rules must be adapted to work with the child with FASD. The chances that the child will change are very slim. Lower your expectations. Expect no more than you would expect from a child half their age, sometimes even younger.
Close Supervision and Leading.
All young children need supervising, but if your child is anything like my child (hopefully not), the way you allow them to interact with other children must change. They still need playtime but that playtime must be supervised. If your child has displayed violent episodes with other children in the past, there is a good chance they will do so again. With our daughter it seems to be random. She can play nicely for weeks, so that we let our guard down, and suddenly we are back to square one again. In our home all play is now supervised, and as often as possible chosen and led by mommy. If I am giving my daughter something to do with another child,like playing catch or another regimented game, she seems to see them more as equals. If left to come up with a game on their own, Iaeshia quickly finds a reason to try and dominate.
Supervision and leadership are things you can do at any age. I have teens. I know they just like to hang out. This is not possible with FASD teens. Rather than allow your child to hang out on the streets or sit at home alone, invite others along for activites. Take friends to the movies or swimming. Go to a skate park. Take them out to shoot pool or provide more of these resources in your own home. They need to be kept busy. As long as you are not overwhelmingly in their way, most teens will be fine with this. Speak to other parents about your child’s needs, especially the need to be supervised and kept busy. If they seem uninterested or unable, don’t allow your child to visit. Some homes are a risk for average teen, for your FASD teen the lack of supervision could become a nightmare.
Impulse Control
Impulse control problems are one of the leading causes of violence in FASD. We all have impulses to do things wrong. If we are willing to admit it, even violent impulses. Remember the last time you were tail gated and had an impulse to slam on the brakes? Normally we can control our impulses long enough to think about the consequences of our actions. Most children and adults with FASD have very little impulse control. Many times the impulse is acted upon before any thought is put into what they are doing.
Children with fetal alcohol exposure rarely think before they act. Iaeshia has lashed out at us and at others many times and only been sorry much later when she had calmed down. I remember one incident in particular. Her psychiatrist told her it was time to leave, the appointment was over. Iaeshia immediately slapped her. She struggled with me all the way to the car. A few blocks away, when she was again calm she said “I hit my doctor. I’m sorry I hit my doctor.” She then began to cry. There does not appear to be even a second where she thinks about what she is going to do. She just does it. I pick her up to leave a playground and immediately she is clawing and kicking and screaming. Normal behavior for a two year old perhaps, but your average 5 year old would understand that that type of behavior brings consequences.
Impulse control can be helped by medications. Once you find the right medication. ADHD medications can greatly help some FASD children to slow down and think before they act. It’s not a guarantee though. FASD thinking is not always clear and consistent. You might also connect with a play therapist or psychologist to work with some of the strategies and games available to help children learn to control their impulses. Stop, Think and Go Bears helped my daughter a little.
Be Careful What you Teach
Experts say one of the most likely predictors of violent behaviors in FASD persons is a background of child abuse. How exactly they are defining child abuse I don’t know. It seems to be a highly subjective idea with some believing even yelling at a child is abusive, while others believe corporal punishment is a parent’s right.
When you are raising a child with FASD, keep in mind that they mirror everything. If you believe corporal punishment is fine, remember that your fetal alcohol affected child will also think that behavior is fine for them. They cannot distinguish your parental discipline from the way people act in daily life. They simply pick up the message that hitting is okay. Once it begins, they will not be reasoned out of it.
If you are having a problem with becoming overly upset with your child, to the point of wanting to hurt them there are things you can do. The easiest is to remember the first rule of special needs parenting Take care of Yourself First. Are you getting enough breaks? You can also reach out to a counselor who is experienced with families of FASD or even attachment disordered children. They have tons of advice on how to keep yourself from being drawn in to a negative reaction.
Work through your own feelings of anger and frustration. Special needs children, including those with FASD are more likely to become victims of child abuse. Dealing with them can be nerve wracking and frustrating. When all else has fails there is a temptation to lash out. Even parents who are deeply committed and love their children can sometimes snap. Get whatever help you need to keep yourself safe and your child safe. It helps to remember your FASD child is only emotionally and often mentally half their physical age. When you drop your expectations to those you would have of a much younger child your frustration level will drop as well.
Watch out for Bad Influences
I know I metioned supervision above, but I don’t think it encompassed everything. We can’t just supervise our child’s behavior, we need to supervise everything and everyone around them. Extreme supervision. Be careful of who their friends are. Be careful of who you have in your home, either those who may bring harm to our children or those our children might harm. Supervise and choose what is watched on television, or in video games.Keep tabs on internet usage. It’s frightening what our children pick up on. Most kids would simply push a dumb idea aside, but kids with FASD are easily influenced by almost anything.
It might sometimes feel like we have to live our lives in a bubble. And perhaps that is close to what it takes.
Don’t Give Up
As hard as we try, there are some things we will not be able to change. We can teach empathy and compassion to our child to the best of our ability, but there is a level brain damage we are working against that cannot always be overcome. If your child is adopted or fostered, you cannot change the background in which they have previously been raised. Although our children are often purported to be without conscience I don’t entirely agree that this is the case. You can’t truly feel sorry for your behaviors if you can’t comprehend fully what you have done. This is not something we will ever be able to teach. Comprehension involves relating a new thing to something we already know. That level of thinking is not always possible for a person with FASD.
As frightening as my opening statistic seems, you will also notice, if you look into the history of these violent individuals that more than FASD has been at play in their lives. Most also come from a background of physical abuse and neglect, unstable living conditions and were not diagnosed with FASD until they were already in the criminal justice system. From the beginning of their lives, everything was working against them.
The factors known to help keep FASD children out of the justice system are ones that you may already be providing. Not all are under control but many are:
1. Early diagnosis and intervention (preferably before age6)
2. A stable home environment
3. Never having experienced violence
4. Being raised in a good home environment
5. Being diagnosed with FAS rather than an FASD
Other helpful factors have been given above.
If you have any ideas or methods you use to help your FASD child deal with aggression and violence, please share them in the comments section below.
As hopeless as it sometimes seems, there are ways to help prevent violence in FASD children. This does not mean the child will change. , This means the environment in which we raise our children must be changed. This was something I had a difficult time coming to grips with. It seems even difficult for the professionals to understand. For a couple of years they kept coming up with ways that I could help Iaehsia change. With little impulse control, a low frustration tolerance level and comprehension problems on my daughter’s part, naturally these methods failed.
When it dawned on me fully that my daughter did not even understand what we were doing at these counselling sessions or with play therapy, I realized we had reached an impasse. It wasn’t her that was going to change. Life had to change.
Up until this time we had been a foster family. That was what led us to seek professional help. Despite having lived with other children all her little life, Iaehsia seemed to have a basic urge to bully. It was not the usual child bullying with a push or shove, or mimicry. Our daughter was brutally violent. She choked and beat, pulled hair until it was almost pulled off another child’s head. She showed a complete lack of empathy. Other children were either toys or a nuisance to her. If they did not obey her every command, of which there were many, they were beaten. Size did not matter to her. Her victims ranged from younger children to teenagers. The day I realized for certain that this was not going to change, I phoned social services and told them we were finished fostering. I could no longer bring children into my home to be victimized. I could no longer handle the stress of spending every moment trying to get in between my daughter and the other children in my home.
It wasn’t that my daughter was just plain mean. There was a huge element of non-comprehension. If she wanted to play by styling another child’s hair and the other child was not compliant Iaeshia would pull them by the hair to where she wanted them and set to work despite their screaming and crying. We completely failed in our attempts to correct her behaviour. She could argue about why she was right to do this all day. It was always the other child’s fault for not playing nice. I simply began to accept that right now, this was who she was and our home was not safe for other children.
What in Your Environment Needs to Change?
The rules must be adapted to work with the child with FASD. The chances that the child will change are very slim. Lower your expectations. Expect no more than you would expect from a child half their age, sometimes even younger.
Close Supervision and Leading.
All young children need supervising, but if your child is anything like my child (hopefully not), the way you allow them to interact with other children must change. They still need playtime but that playtime must be supervised. If your child has displayed violent episodes with other children in the past, there is a good chance they will do so again. With our daughter it seems to be random. She can play nicely for weeks, so that we let our guard down, and suddenly we are back to square one again. In our home all play is now supervised, and as often as possible chosen and led by mommy. If I am giving my daughter something to do with another child,like playing catch or another regimented game, she seems to see them more as equals. If left to come up with a game on their own, Iaeshia quickly finds a reason to try and dominate.
Supervision and leadership are things you can do at any age. I have teens. I know they just like to hang out. This is not possible with FASD teens. Rather than allow your child to hang out on the streets or sit at home alone, invite others along for activites. Take friends to the movies or swimming. Go to a skate park. Take them out to shoot pool or provide more of these resources in your own home. They need to be kept busy. As long as you are not overwhelmingly in their way, most teens will be fine with this. Speak to other parents about your child’s needs, especially the need to be supervised and kept busy. If they seem uninterested or unable, don’t allow your child to visit. Some homes are a risk for average teen, for your FASD teen the lack of supervision could become a nightmare.
Impulse Control
Impulse control problems are one of the leading causes of violence in FASD. We all have impulses to do things wrong. If we are willing to admit it, even violent impulses. Remember the last time you were tail gated and had an impulse to slam on the brakes? Normally we can control our impulses long enough to think about the consequences of our actions. Most children and adults with FASD have very little impulse control. Many times the impulse is acted upon before any thought is put into what they are doing.
Children with fetal alcohol exposure rarely think before they act. Iaeshia has lashed out at us and at others many times and only been sorry much later when she had calmed down. I remember one incident in particular. Her psychiatrist told her it was time to leave, the appointment was over. Iaeshia immediately slapped her. She struggled with me all the way to the car. A few blocks away, when she was again calm she said “I hit my doctor. I’m sorry I hit my doctor.” She then began to cry. There does not appear to be even a second where she thinks about what she is going to do. She just does it. I pick her up to leave a playground and immediately she is clawing and kicking and screaming. Normal behavior for a two year old perhaps, but your average 5 year old would understand that that type of behavior brings consequences.
Impulse control can be helped by medications. Once you find the right medication. ADHD medications can greatly help some FASD children to slow down and think before they act. It’s not a guarantee though. FASD thinking is not always clear and consistent. You might also connect with a play therapist or psychologist to work with some of the strategies and games available to help children learn to control their impulses. Stop, Think and Go Bears helped my daughter a little.
Be Careful What you Teach
Experts say one of the most likely predictors of violent behaviors in FASD persons is a background of child abuse. How exactly they are defining child abuse I don’t know. It seems to be a highly subjective idea with some believing even yelling at a child is abusive, while others believe corporal punishment is a parent’s right.
When you are raising a child with FASD, keep in mind that they mirror everything. If you believe corporal punishment is fine, remember that your fetal alcohol affected child will also think that behavior is fine for them. They cannot distinguish your parental discipline from the way people act in daily life. They simply pick up the message that hitting is okay. Once it begins, they will not be reasoned out of it.
If you are having a problem with becoming overly upset with your child, to the point of wanting to hurt them there are things you can do. The easiest is to remember the first rule of special needs parenting Take care of Yourself First. Are you getting enough breaks? You can also reach out to a counselor who is experienced with families of FASD or even attachment disordered children. They have tons of advice on how to keep yourself from being drawn in to a negative reaction.
Work through your own feelings of anger and frustration. Special needs children, including those with FASD are more likely to become victims of child abuse. Dealing with them can be nerve wracking and frustrating. When all else has fails there is a temptation to lash out. Even parents who are deeply committed and love their children can sometimes snap. Get whatever help you need to keep yourself safe and your child safe. It helps to remember your FASD child is only emotionally and often mentally half their physical age. When you drop your expectations to those you would have of a much younger child your frustration level will drop as well.
Watch out for Bad Influences
I know I metioned supervision above, but I don’t think it encompassed everything. We can’t just supervise our child’s behavior, we need to supervise everything and everyone around them. Extreme supervision. Be careful of who their friends are. Be careful of who you have in your home, either those who may bring harm to our children or those our children might harm. Supervise and choose what is watched on television, or in video games.Keep tabs on internet usage. It’s frightening what our children pick up on. Most kids would simply push a dumb idea aside, but kids with FASD are easily influenced by almost anything.
It might sometimes feel like we have to live our lives in a bubble. And perhaps that is close to what it takes.
Don’t Give Up
As hard as we try, there are some things we will not be able to change. We can teach empathy and compassion to our child to the best of our ability, but there is a level brain damage we are working against that cannot always be overcome. If your child is adopted or fostered, you cannot change the background in which they have previously been raised. Although our children are often purported to be without conscience I don’t entirely agree that this is the case. You can’t truly feel sorry for your behaviors if you can’t comprehend fully what you have done. This is not something we will ever be able to teach. Comprehension involves relating a new thing to something we already know. That level of thinking is not always possible for a person with FASD.
As frightening as my opening statistic seems, you will also notice, if you look into the history of these violent individuals that more than FASD has been at play in their lives. Most also come from a background of physical abuse and neglect, unstable living conditions and were not diagnosed with FASD until they were already in the criminal justice system. From the beginning of their lives, everything was working against them.
The factors known to help keep FASD children out of the justice system are ones that you may already be providing. Not all are under control but many are:
1. Early diagnosis and intervention (preferably before age6)
2. A stable home environment
3. Never having experienced violence
4. Being raised in a good home environment
5. Being diagnosed with FAS rather than an FASD
Other helpful factors have been given above.
If you have any ideas or methods you use to help your FASD child deal with aggression and violence, please share them in the comments section below.
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