FASD and Violence Part 1
June 3rd 2011 05:22
Are our FASD children dangerous? This is a question I don’t like to face as a parent, but it is one I face every day. Since she is so young I don’t worry too much yet, but the danger signs are there. The rigid thinking, the impulsive actions, the rages that seem to sweep over her and turn her into a little person we do not know. I don’t know where these things come from. They are sudden and I like to think out of character, but they happen too often to just be part of a bad day. The rages are as much of her as are the sudden hugs, kisses and gifts of dandelions.
If I think back I see, and am sure other parents of violent fetal alcohol children can see, warning signs that began almost in infancy. As a baby, my daughter was cruel to other babies. It seemed cute and clever at the time. At 10 months old she was stealing soothers and bottles from other babies and throwing them out of reach. We were foster parents at the time and often had other babies in the home. I would laugh at her ingenuity, smile at her strength and hand the stolen item back to the other crying baby. Never once did I think, “This baby is a bully.” That’s not language we use when thinking of a baby.
In the news, I am reading the debates over whether criminals with FASD should serve jail time for violent behaviours. It’s a good question. Do FASD offenders have any idea of the damage they are causing? Probably not. Is the damage to others real? Absolutely. It’s not only real, it is often horrendous. In 1996 Serena Nicotine drowned her young cousin in a swimming pool. When she was released from the juvenile detention centre she was placed with a foster mother in a group home situation. During an altercation she slit her foster mother’s throat. Her most recent offence was the confinement and torture of a nurse in a psychiatric centre. Serena Nicotine does not know what she is doing. But does she know what it means?
There are times I have looked at my little girl and have had to seriously question: “Where are we heading?” The question does not come out of nowhere. I am not a dramatic person and this is not a question I like to wonder about, but there are things.... My daughter can become very violent. Violent with people she loves. Animals she loves. She has caused stitches in other children. Killed a dog I know she adored. She has choked her teenage siblings, kicked and hit me. Once when I forced her away from an activity she was enjoying she grabbed a sharp stick and attempted to stab my leg. Deep down, I realize she had no awareness of what she is doing. She has found a method that she thinks will help her get away when she wants to get away. She does not understand actions can have long term consequences.
Am I worried about it when she is still only 5 years old? A little bit. My big worry is she will not outgrow will this. She is learning something from this behaviour. It gets her what she believes she needs. In the FASD mind, behaviours become engraved. They turn into routine. She can’t do much harm now, but what happens when she is sixteen? What happens when what works for her becomes a violent crime? The chances are excellent that she will still not understand what she is really doing.
Are our children dangerous? Yes, some of them. Are they any less worthy of being loved? No. Is jail going to help them? No. What could save them, and the people around them is by starting early to help them learn new things. It’s only my theory, but people suffering FASD seem to think more with the non-conscious part of the mind. It makes sense with what we know of FASD and the areas of the brain that suffer the most damage. Where the conscious area of the brain thinks in terms of consequences and outcomes to regulate behaviours, the non-conscious brain works from habit and routine. It is a reactive mind. A creature of habit. It is this reactive creature we need to learn how to teach.
How to Teach Better Habits
The non-conscious mind does not seem to think about so much as it absorbs information. This is the part of the mind that first learns to walk and to speak.We do not sit our children down as infants and give lessons on thinking and speaking. We do not lay out the consequences of not walking or speaking and tell our small children to think about these things and act accordingly. These behaviours just happen. There may be thought processes behind them, but we have no idea what they are.
In pre-kindergarten a stunning thing happened with Iaeshia. She began to stomp her foot and scream. She would yell out to us “I’m stomping” whenever she got angry. The pre-kindergarten teacher had modelled this behaviour for the children in her class room. Whenever there was a real or imagined situation of frustration the teacher would stomp her feet and mockingly scream. Something about it must have impressed Iaeshia because this was her new angry behaviour. It didn’t happen all the time. If she was tired and overwhelmed she would often revert to violence, but she used it often enough that it began to come ingrained.
You don’t have to stomp and scream, but teaching your FASD child a new behaviour is a possibility. What I have learned from my own daughter is that the new behaviour has to be impressive. It has to be something that will make them think “Wow! I like that.” Don’t just tell them what to do, go ahead and do it. If they seem angry or frustrated and you are angry or frustrated, rip some grass out of the side yard and scream, stomp your feet, throw the couch cushions across the living room. For something even more portable, rip thin material. Just make sure you have some available for those out of the home moments of anger.
To really ingrain this new behaviour repeat, repeat, repeat. In FASD parenting consistency is everything. Our children need to realize they are not always going to get what they want, and there are ways to deal with those angry feelings. This has to become habit for them, and the earlier they learn, the safer their lives are going to be.
Next post : FASD and Violence Changing the Environment
If I think back I see, and am sure other parents of violent fetal alcohol children can see, warning signs that began almost in infancy. As a baby, my daughter was cruel to other babies. It seemed cute and clever at the time. At 10 months old she was stealing soothers and bottles from other babies and throwing them out of reach. We were foster parents at the time and often had other babies in the home. I would laugh at her ingenuity, smile at her strength and hand the stolen item back to the other crying baby. Never once did I think, “This baby is a bully.” That’s not language we use when thinking of a baby.
In the news, I am reading the debates over whether criminals with FASD should serve jail time for violent behaviours. It’s a good question. Do FASD offenders have any idea of the damage they are causing? Probably not. Is the damage to others real? Absolutely. It’s not only real, it is often horrendous. In 1996 Serena Nicotine drowned her young cousin in a swimming pool. When she was released from the juvenile detention centre she was placed with a foster mother in a group home situation. During an altercation she slit her foster mother’s throat. Her most recent offence was the confinement and torture of a nurse in a psychiatric centre. Serena Nicotine does not know what she is doing. But does she know what it means?
There are times I have looked at my little girl and have had to seriously question: “Where are we heading?” The question does not come out of nowhere. I am not a dramatic person and this is not a question I like to wonder about, but there are things.... My daughter can become very violent. Violent with people she loves. Animals she loves. She has caused stitches in other children. Killed a dog I know she adored. She has choked her teenage siblings, kicked and hit me. Once when I forced her away from an activity she was enjoying she grabbed a sharp stick and attempted to stab my leg. Deep down, I realize she had no awareness of what she is doing. She has found a method that she thinks will help her get away when she wants to get away. She does not understand actions can have long term consequences.
Am I worried about it when she is still only 5 years old? A little bit. My big worry is she will not outgrow will this. She is learning something from this behaviour. It gets her what she believes she needs. In the FASD mind, behaviours become engraved. They turn into routine. She can’t do much harm now, but what happens when she is sixteen? What happens when what works for her becomes a violent crime? The chances are excellent that she will still not understand what she is really doing.
Are our children dangerous? Yes, some of them. Are they any less worthy of being loved? No. Is jail going to help them? No. What could save them, and the people around them is by starting early to help them learn new things. It’s only my theory, but people suffering FASD seem to think more with the non-conscious part of the mind. It makes sense with what we know of FASD and the areas of the brain that suffer the most damage. Where the conscious area of the brain thinks in terms of consequences and outcomes to regulate behaviours, the non-conscious brain works from habit and routine. It is a reactive mind. A creature of habit. It is this reactive creature we need to learn how to teach.
How to Teach Better Habits
The non-conscious mind does not seem to think about so much as it absorbs information. This is the part of the mind that first learns to walk and to speak.We do not sit our children down as infants and give lessons on thinking and speaking. We do not lay out the consequences of not walking or speaking and tell our small children to think about these things and act accordingly. These behaviours just happen. There may be thought processes behind them, but we have no idea what they are.
In pre-kindergarten a stunning thing happened with Iaeshia. She began to stomp her foot and scream. She would yell out to us “I’m stomping” whenever she got angry. The pre-kindergarten teacher had modelled this behaviour for the children in her class room. Whenever there was a real or imagined situation of frustration the teacher would stomp her feet and mockingly scream. Something about it must have impressed Iaeshia because this was her new angry behaviour. It didn’t happen all the time. If she was tired and overwhelmed she would often revert to violence, but she used it often enough that it began to come ingrained.
You don’t have to stomp and scream, but teaching your FASD child a new behaviour is a possibility. What I have learned from my own daughter is that the new behaviour has to be impressive. It has to be something that will make them think “Wow! I like that.” Don’t just tell them what to do, go ahead and do it. If they seem angry or frustrated and you are angry or frustrated, rip some grass out of the side yard and scream, stomp your feet, throw the couch cushions across the living room. For something even more portable, rip thin material. Just make sure you have some available for those out of the home moments of anger.
To really ingrain this new behaviour repeat, repeat, repeat. In FASD parenting consistency is everything. Our children need to realize they are not always going to get what they want, and there are ways to deal with those angry feelings. This has to become habit for them, and the earlier they learn, the safer their lives are going to be.
Next post : FASD and Violence Changing the Environment
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