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I've been up for the majority of the day, if you consider a day starting after 10am. I've been trying to sleep - I've got to work all night tonight - but once you get past a certain point there just is no point. I could maybe get an hour's nap if I laid down now, but I know it won't work out. I've been going back and forth from the bed all day, and I know there won't be any sleep until tomorrow morning. I will just have to push through, is all. I've learned one can usually get away with an hour or so of shut-eye at work, but that isn't something I want to count on.
I thought this last time I was in bed that it would work out, that I would get some of that sleep. Then a thought popped in my head and I've been tossing about trying to ignore it. And you know how things go when you try to ignore something in your head: you just worry it more and more.
We all know this job is a dead-end for me. I keep saying that I am waiting for the records to get back from Ohio, then I will apply for the city's CSO position. A starter job, for sure, but a foot in the door is what I have to think. And I know I can fulfill all the requirements of the job, and any job after I go for, but a condition of employment is passing a polygraph test. Everything I've read is that it's bunk science, worthless, but it isn't so much the test that gets you down but the examiner's whim. Whether or not I go in and lie, there'll be something for him to latch on too. I don't want to get too worried about it, because that is really how it beats you, but I have to think that if I don't pass the examination, then I've got two years of school just wasted. And, honestly, I can't go in to tell the truth, as sad as that is. I have to count on being evasive on some questions, because the truth will not get me hired. I feel like a jackass for having to worry about this; if this was something I would have to worry about, then what the hell am I going pursuing this career choice?
If it doesn't fly, then there is no point in my going on for my Bachelor's in Criminal Justice. I'll have time to reapply for different positions, but failing the polygraph will hang over my resume. And maybe I am looking too far ahead, but I have to really consider the possibility that I will have to look at a new direction for schooling. I can't think of much anything else I would even want to stick my toe in except maybe education, and I don't know how strong a degree I can work online with that. I feel like I have to start looking around now, so that if the time comes I can progress into a new direction without too much of a hitch. But this worries the hell out of me. I understand the benefit college gives, but I'm also afraid that I am digging myself in a hole trying to do this. Leslie works her ass off and is pretty close to suffering a major breakdown, and I am so little contributing to our life together. That's how it feels like, and she says it isn't like that, but I have to think of it like that. If you're not stepping orward then you are falling behind, and I've always been behind my whole life. My fault, I know, and it's coming close to realizing that sometimes you can't regain lost ground. As depressive as that sounds...
The only good thing I could possibly think of not getting into this field is that I wouldn't have to keep my hair short.
And here I go violating that secrecy....
My friend - and let's just call him my friend - is a lonely man. It used to be, he got plenty of action. It used to be, at the bars and clubs, he could find someone to go home with. A lot of this was due to who he hung out with. Many of us saw his friendships with these individuals not particularily good for him, but he's getting laid, so why should he listen? And it wasn't like these individuals were rotten guys, they were okay enough, they just weren't a good influence on my friend. They led to a heavy dose of cnceit for him and a lot of flimsy relationships.
To give my friend credit, he has turned a lot around for himself. It was five years ago that the majority of us got out of that party/club scene and now he has a good steady job teaching special ed. kids. He put on a few pounds, but he is fighting to get all that off. Drinking and the slight drug use has been severly cut out and he is pretty much financially secure. He's not rich, but he can take care of himself. But he's lonely.
I guess the possibility of dating some girl who's friends with some girl he works with didn't pan out. He called me one night to ask me advice for what he should write as a profile for an online dating site. I really have no idea. He seems to think this is the only way to find a nice, steady relationship, and I can understand his anxiousness regarding getting involved. I'm married, his brother is married, and his roommate - another fellow we grew up with - spends all his time over at his (not really a) girlfriend's place. The last three years he's been involved with a heavily-damaged girl who lives two hours from him and makes no effort to make things better for herself. He's never even kissed the girl and finally his frustration with the going-nowhere relaionship topped off and he broke things off with her. A good move for him, I do have to say; if things committed between the two, she would have fully depended on him for everything. So, he's gone from that conceited guy who's coming home with some drunk chick any night of the week to not having sex for the past three years and completely falling out of the entire dating/socializign scene. I can understand his hopes tacked on an online dating site.
I think he's only "talked" to one girl from the site. He is quite picky, considering his position: no kids but they have to like kids, has to have a real job or working through college, and attractive. Those are his top three requirements. I think he also should put in ...looking for someone who can put up with an ADD victim... Anyway, the emails back and forth with the girl he met suckered him in, despite the fact that she is in Russia. She is supposed to be coming here to work and so he figured it would be okay to make a connection until that time. I gave him a warning about things ahead of time but I wasn't really surprised when he said he'd sent money to her "to help out with her sick mother." He's that kind of guy. I told him to be even more careful and start looking at things because it did have the beginnings of a scam. I was hopeful for him. I think he deserves to find someone special, even if it comes about in an unconventional way.
He called last night to say I was right. The 'girl" emailed to say she could not leave the country without paying such-and-such money to get on the plane. While he might have sent the money if the email was written differently, he said it didn't sound the same as much of the previous corresspondance and that he really questioned its validity. He looked over the other emails and saw points that should have raised questions then if his desperation hadn't forced him to overlook it. Now he is completely down on himself for being such a sucker. He is completely shocked that these things happen, but he has always been a bit naive about shady fuckers. He's only told a couple people that he was getting into this but it doesn't make him feel less like an ass. I don't know how badly this has ruined his hopes, but I don't think he has much faith in finding anyone real anytime soon, which is too bad because he is a really great guy, if you can put up with his constant chatter and his childish ways.
And I bring this up because I approached with an online scam myself. I considered it, even knowing the risks, because I am money-desperate. It was a potential job offer via careerbuilder.com. I wanted it to be true because it was so completely easy with a heavy paycheck. It almost even sounds like it would make sense: a foreign company needs American clerks to wire across money because the checks from customers would take too long to clear so I would deposit checks in my account and wire across the money minus my "fee." Looking around, I found plenty of warnings against this sort of thing that it was really laundering conterfeit checks or stolen checks. But, by the time I did read all this, I had already "applied" for the job and was told the first of the payments would be on its way to me. Which makes me a little nervous. Am I getting stolen checks sent to me? What am I supposed to do with the money once it gets to me? I tossed around the idea of depositing any money in my one checking account that doesn't get used and see if anything happens.
No money has come. I don't know if I should just put it out of my mind and not worry about it. I keep checking my accounts to see if anything is going down, even though I never gave out any serious information. It's kind of hard to not worry about it when I have so much else to worry about. Really, though, I am more afraid of what I might do if I do pull a check or two out of my mailbox. Knowing it is a scam kind of justifies not forwarding any of the money, but I am afraid I might make use of the money myself. I could use it, but knowing there might be consequences down the road makes me wonder if I'd be able to get around it in any way. I feel guilty for considering this, but it pops in my head without any prompting. I should feel lucky nothing's been sent to me.
But the hunt for a payday loan hasn't produced results. I think two places agreed to give me like 200 dollars, but what am I going to do with that? Mostly, what I get is additional junk mail to apply for. I feel desperate and I don't think this plan is going to work out for me and I might have to go to Leslie for help in this, even though that hadn't worked so well before. And she's let me know already that she can't really give any money, that it's hard enough to get by right now. I won't know what my next step is for another week and a half, when I get my first full pay. Hopefully I will be able to figure something out.
Leslie is still asleep. It's twenty till 5pm. We didn't stay up particularily late. It's pointless trying to wake her before she wants to on her day off and I feel bad for bringing up the fact that she has a day off with me and she spends it completely sleeping. She'll wake up later and there will be nothing to do and I am not going to want to stay up all night watching movies. We try that and I fall asleep on the couch. There's really nothing to do that doesn't cost much money. She says she feels bad about it but it happens every week. I've given up on figuring something out to do because I can't count on her being able to really partake. I slept in today too; I think I woke around 1pm. Being quiet all day.
This thing is acting up: "AN UNKNOWN ERROR HAS OCCURRED." Guess that's a good sign to get off here, huh?
Just a quick scribble here before I turn the rest of the day over to my scholastic endeavors. I guess I checked too early Sunday morning and there was nothing, so I didn't check for the rest of the day or any on Monday. Then I got an email yesterday from a professor, just a general email, and so I popped in. So I already feel a little behind for classes now, even though it was only two days. The first unit is always the worst: getting into the rythm of class and fitting it into the pattern of my days. With working third shift, that is a big concern for me right now because I really haven't yet gotten to a rythm for my days yet.
Anyway, class will be fine. I am a little behind where I'd like to be (which is pretty much done with the heavy work and just coasting along) but I got all my Comp. reading done and will have the essay opinions done today. I have to write up a short bio for Biological Evidence and talk a little about what I've liked so far from what I've learned. Then I can hit on my Criminalistics reading and have a couple additional posts done today. Hopefully all before Leslie gets home.
The feeling of being behind is just my self-imposed expectations. I pulled a 98, 98 & 100 last quarter. I really am not a very studious student; most of my homework was done in front of the television. I'm figuring I will have a it of time at work to work on homework, but the majority of it all will have to be done on these three days in the middle of the week. And Thursday is a bad day because it is the one day Leslie and I share off. But I am going to push myself with this. I do not want to think I am going to get stuck being a security guard for the years to come. I shouldn't bitch about the job, and maybe I am just deluding myself, but I think I can do more with my life. I am scared of getting tired of school, I think that was the problem when I was taking those business classes right after the IT Certificate courses. But I just have to look in the mirror when I get dressed for work and be a bit honest with myself: Is this what I want my life to be?
I can't get this printer working on the other laptop. Fucker. The desktop is tired and worn out and will have to stay down till I get in additional RAM to it (which I really am in no hurry about) and my hope was that I could run the printer through Leslie's laptop, but it won't install. I will have to put it on here, I suppose, which is fine. I was just trying to keep this simple. Her laptop never goes anywhere, so I figured it would just be easiest to put it on there. Of course, this laptop rarely goes anywhere either...
I moved the laptop over to this far corner of the room. I figure I should stay away from the television for this quarter while I'm working on homework, which I would never do if I stayed in the "living room" portion of the room. Of course, aside from watching movies with Leslie and turning on the jazz station, I haven't watched television since I started working 3rd shift. We should look at whether we can drop down a tier on the cable package if it is not going to be used as much, but I think we're at the lowest tier where we can still get the good channels as it is. It just seems kind of stupid to be paying nearly fifty bucks for something that is getting so little use. I went nearly five years without much television interaction until we moved here. I use it mostly for video games and DVDs, and if I am over on this side of the room, that will lessen as well because I will be focusing on my homework.
I haven't told Leslie about the laptop I accidentally bought off ebay yet. It will be shipped on Wednesday and I suppose I will keep it under wraps until some time later, when buying a laptop, even for thirty bucks, isn't going to get me yelled at. It'll also give me a little time to tweak it up too, which will make buying it seem like a really good deal. I feel bad for this deceit, but I really don't want her mad at me for my consumer electronics addiction. She hasn't asked about the camera, though I think she picked up that school didn't send it to me since I don't have photography this quarter. I suppose if I told her I bought it with a new credit card it will not be as bad (I really shouldn't have the credit card either). I'm just not good with money. This attempt to buy a car (or scooter, still thinking) will be my last purchase I am allowed to make. I have no other choice but to submit myself to debt consolidation, otherwise none of the shit will ever be taken care of. I'm scared even the consolidation won't even be enough to save my ass. I should really just turn my cards and my checkbook over to Leslie and ask for an allowance. Really, I think it'll come to that.
The guys next door are pretty much moved out. I can understand why, the landlord here is a dumbass, but I feel kind of bad I haven't done more to connect with them. They are cool guys, I am just so unused to going out and having a social life that it's intimidating thinking of hanging out with anyone. I need to get over that, I know. Leslie feels bad that I am so far away from all my friends, but really when I am with them, it is like a regression. I am with them as the 24 year old, not really as I am today, if that makes any sense. I still look back and wish I had been more active during all that time, but I don't think I could push myself to interact now even as much as I did at that time. I don't know why.
All right. I been in here just about an hour. I need to get on that homework. And eat some chickie legs.
I'm getting set to try sleeping. Can't think of too much else I need to do here. I don't know if classes start tomorrow or next Sunday. I suppose it doesn't matter, there isn't a lot I can do to pre-prepare anyway.
I try very hard to not get overly concerned about money. Leslie and I already have the agreement that she'll handle the majority of the bills until I am through with school and have found a "career" job. Which I am grateful for, I am. I haven't gotten below a 98% for any of my quarters, except for that brief time I thought it would be good to take some business courses. I've paid up on all my fines and gotten my license back. I have food, video games and alcohol. But still, shallow pockets continue to flank me. And I know it's my fault.
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I don't know why, but I wanted to point out any mention of killing is purely in the video-game sense. i am not a homicidal sociopath, but i do get a certain sense of glee from mass destruction on the idiot box, especially if i am able to, even vicariously, partake. Video gaming is my only destructive outlet (yes, I know there are games which can be constructive; I avoid these no matter what reviews my friends give) and I am altogether quiet and mannered otherwise.
I have been playing Hitman: Blood Money, not going very fast because gaming takes a back seat to classes. But the quarter is over and I have just beat the game. I am going to give Enter the Matrix a try here, but I kind of suspect I am not going to like it very well. If I can't get into it, then I am going back to Resident Evil 4, which I haven't beaten yet but I also think I might have erased the saved data from the memory card. I'm not going to get a lot of time tonight to play anyways; Leslie is off work in an hour or so and I try not to ignore her for video games.
Hmm, sex or PS2
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I don't know how many blogs I've gone through with dissatisfaction. Which is not the fault of any blogging spot. After a certain point, I began to heavily censor myself. While it is always going to generally be my ramblings on one thing or another, I figured I needed to keep away anything that really got in my mind. Usually because its effects could disrupt others in my life.
And I still have that concern, but I also feel like I am stifling myself in order to be the good boy. And, so, instead any frustrations get carried out in other manners and my interest in doing any almost-substantial writing also lags. Which is dissatisfying even more.
So, I stumbled in here. It'd be nice to make some money, but for the most part I just wanted a concrete place where I can ramble. I will post opinions, views, information that may be of interest to others (and I will throw up an appropriate title when these posts come along), I will post up personal reviews of movies and books as well, though they will generally be of older fare; I really don't get out all that often. But a lot of what will end up here will be just me. Sometimes I will use foul language, sometimes it'll be evident I am drunk, sometimes I will just be babbling about nothing in particular. Sometimes I will be a whiny bitch. If anything useful or interesting or informative comes out of this blog, it is first and foremost just a blog about my life. If, along the way, you have any comments or suggestions that could add to this bable, feel free to give it to me. I'm sure I won't be interesting all the time. But I will be real all through
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