It's not much of a tail, but I'm sort of attached to it
August 7th 2008 13:52
Nothing is exciting anymore.
My head (reasoning, knowledge, rationale)
has become a separate and "greater"
entity to my emotions (whom I consider to
be - almost a "minor shareholder", valuable
yet, held in much less regard).
Emotions rarely get a say in any arising
issues.
Nothing is exciting anymore.
My rationale:
I allowed myself a brief period of time
to experience that naive excitement I
would feel in my days as a younger being.
And I feel vulnerable.
This lust just hurts so much.
Far too much.
Far more than I ever remember lust hurting.
Yet it seems lust is my only - entry
into innocent excitement.
I am afraid that if I stop this - I shall
become even more cynical and even
further away from innocence than I
began.
Nothing is exciting anymore.
I have restrictions that come with experience.
Restrictions I have placed upon myself each
time I come across 'negative experience(s)'
I retract my trust*, my enjoyment
I feel separate from the human race.
Is this because - I subconsciously want to be separate?
Is this because - This is the way it is?
Is this because - The few hundred thousand beings I am exposed to, I simply cannot connect with?
Is this because - I have forced this separation?
I've been constantly thinking about you (lust)
Constantly turning you over
and over in my head.
I don't understand what it is that attracts me to you.
And I don't understand why there is resistance in your actions,
yet glimpses of longing in your eyes...
Who do I become around you?
I have found myself so afraid of being
hurt that I have been paralysed into
non action.
Perhaps I am wrong about myself?
I believe:
I have strong regard for social graces,
simple politeness that isn't returned to me?
I have very few morals, but the morals
that I found myself in possession of - I will not
compromise for anyone, under any circumstances.
I will do almost anything for seemingly amicable characters
without compromising
my ..few.. morals.
I have a far different and objective perspective on life -
perhaps as if I do not even exist within it?
Why?
Perhaps I stand to be corrected.
I have not, to date, adopted a belief system, nor
been exposed to enough life to say I have wisdom.
No religion, no complete agreement with a particular
historical figure, dictator, philosopher or philosophy.
Hence I tend to accept most things, or empathyze
objectively and understand why people believe what
they believe. Thus I am forgiving.
I can identify one belief of mine -
There is no right or wrong
I do my best to shun all unnecessary human encounters
and interaction.
Define: Unnecessary
Anything that I, in that moment, determine to be dispensable or lavish.
Define: Necessary
Anything that I, in that moment, determine requisite or de rigueur.
I have noticed a pattern over the past two to three years.
But I'm not sure how to alter this so I can break the pattern.
Ultimately I have no one.
I am frivolous. I live in an imaginary world.
But the other side of my is cynical, impassive.
Which is worse?
I just wanna be a little girl
i wanna be ten years old going to sleep over at my girlfriends house and reading pony pals
My head (reasoning, knowledge, rationale)
has become a separate and "greater"
entity to my emotions (whom I consider to
be - almost a "minor shareholder", valuable
yet, held in much less regard).
Emotions rarely get a say in any arising
issues.
Nothing is exciting anymore.
My rationale:
I allowed myself a brief period of time
to experience that naive excitement I
would feel in my days as a younger being.
And I feel vulnerable.
This lust just hurts so much.
Far too much.
Far more than I ever remember lust hurting.
Yet it seems lust is my only - entry
into innocent excitement.
I am afraid that if I stop this - I shall
become even more cynical and even
further away from innocence than I
began.
Nothing is exciting anymore.
I have restrictions that come with experience.
Restrictions I have placed upon myself each
time I come across 'negative experience(s)'
I retract my trust*, my enjoyment
I feel separate from the human race.
Is this because - I subconsciously want to be separate?
Is this because - This is the way it is?
Is this because - The few hundred thousand beings I am exposed to, I simply cannot connect with?
Is this because - I have forced this separation?
I've been constantly thinking about you (lust)
Constantly turning you over
and over in my head.
I don't understand what it is that attracts me to you.
And I don't understand why there is resistance in your actions,
yet glimpses of longing in your eyes...
Who do I become around you?
I have found myself so afraid of being
hurt that I have been paralysed into
non action.
Perhaps I am wrong about myself?
I believe:
I have strong regard for social graces,
simple politeness that isn't returned to me?
I have very few morals, but the morals
that I found myself in possession of - I will not
compromise for anyone, under any circumstances.
I will do almost anything for seemingly amicable characters
without compromising
my ..few.. morals.
I have a far different and objective perspective on life -
perhaps as if I do not even exist within it?
Why?
Perhaps I stand to be corrected.
I have not, to date, adopted a belief system, nor
been exposed to enough life to say I have wisdom.
No religion, no complete agreement with a particular
historical figure, dictator, philosopher or philosophy.
Hence I tend to accept most things, or empathyze
objectively and understand why people believe what
they believe. Thus I am forgiving.
I can identify one belief of mine -
There is no right or wrong
I do my best to shun all unnecessary human encounters
and interaction.
Define: Unnecessary
Anything that I, in that moment, determine to be dispensable or lavish.
Define: Necessary
Anything that I, in that moment, determine requisite or de rigueur.
I have noticed a pattern over the past two to three years.
But I'm not sure how to alter this so I can break the pattern.
Ultimately I have no one.
I am frivolous. I live in an imaginary world.
But the other side of my is cynical, impassive.
Which is worse?
I just wanna be a little girl
i wanna be ten years old going to sleep over at my girlfriends house and reading pony pals
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Comments (1)
Comment by Eve
on World Disability Day
mindless little girl
o "person who is blind" not "a blind person"
o "Disability" is the most generally accepted term--not "handicap"
This is bullshit. Why do we have to "tread lightly" upon something so obvious.
They should be put down at birth