suitably*woundedDefragging My Religiosity Hard Drive
November 18th 2006 20:56
Last post I explained what got my family all caught up into a 'Come to Jesus' meeting whirlwind and how that began with my grandfather's death, my mother being left alone in this world with nothing but me (not an accurate assessment, but one she chose non-the-less) and the prevailing attitude being one of nothing but fear.
Which leaves me to explain how I fell away. It really was a gradual slipping off the beaten path rather than an abrupt severing of ties. It went something like this....
First there was a bit of controversy (kind of like now with someone always being exposed somewhere doing something they shouldn't), but on a much smaller scale. This pastor was, in essence, dipping in the collection plate. That youth minister was dipping into the not-quite-legal Sally, etc. Second refrain same as the first. And that all got the ball rolling.
Initially, you could throw in a heaping dose of hypocrisy. As teenagers, we were supposed to forsake everything we knew ('secular' music, heavy petting, a sip of beer -- hey, we were tame), to walk closer to Him. Our parents (read: adults), on the other hand, didn't have to give up smoking, listening to Alabama (I know!), going to play bingo or dancing. We were going to head off to some Christian College. They did whatever they had to do for the betterment of their family. Amazingly, this always coincided with their own desires and the times that God had fallen mute on them attempting something to the contrary. Fortunately, our Heavenly Father made sure it was known what we were NOT allowed to do. You'd be surprised at just what all that covered.
Next, I wondered about the disconnect I saw espoused between the 'party line' and reality. Tons of people decried abortion loud and clear, said pro-life was the only way to be and handed out those heinous pamphlets with dissected babies on the front. However, these same people never did a damn thing about the babies once they were born. No volunteering, no offering shelter temporarily, no spending money in any context to help both mother and child. Thus I understood that lip service was easy (Murdererrrrrrrrrr!), but backing anything up with action (I'd love to adopt!!) was much more difficult.
Last (I think), was when I started college. My mother had always discouraged me from going, labeling it as nothing more than an effort to remain a kid ( = lazy, wild, irresponsible) for as long as possible, probably at someone else's expense. Regardless, I started at 25 and found out a wealth of information that no one had ever bothered to share so that an informed opinion could be founded. The first, I believe, had to do with Hammurabi's Code. See, I'd never in my wildest dreams think that there were stories, identical to the ones in the bible, written pre-Christianity. If, say, the tale of the baby Moses was true, why was there the same thing going on in another culture (and on and on), many moons before it happened the way we'd been taught?
And this seemed to be common and, furthermore, that the nigh-universal (from the perspective of an extremely naive woman in east Texas, USA) spread of Jesus, was just the latest in a long line of religions to be popular. Like those that are discounted now because they're too recent, yanno? Eh, I know that sounds tortured, but in my flustered state, that's about the best I can do.
After that, it was merely a chipping at the base. Nothing seemed to add up right any longer and I couldn't abide what I now saw as hatred. Plus, the fear was killing me and if I had one aspect that I felt was more responsible for my decline in mental health, it would have to be how my views on this were so fucked up. Above and beyond, I suppose any more spewing about this topic, is gonna hafta wait for a while until I calm back down and go watch Dogma or something. I hope this will, perhaps, give anyone fodder for psychoanalyzing me. 'Cause that's always fun.
When we meet again, let's discuss something a little less heady. How about nuclear disarmament?
Where I stand today is firmly on the side of Stevie. I couldn't say it any better than that.
Peaces in peaces,
~Kemi
Which leaves me to explain how I fell away. It really was a gradual slipping off the beaten path rather than an abrupt severing of ties. It went something like this....
First there was a bit of controversy (kind of like now with someone always being exposed somewhere doing something they shouldn't), but on a much smaller scale. This pastor was, in essence, dipping in the collection plate. That youth minister was dipping into the not-quite-legal Sally, etc. Second refrain same as the first. And that all got the ball rolling.
Initially, you could throw in a heaping dose of hypocrisy. As teenagers, we were supposed to forsake everything we knew ('secular' music, heavy petting, a sip of beer -- hey, we were tame), to walk closer to Him. Our parents (read: adults), on the other hand, didn't have to give up smoking, listening to Alabama (I know!), going to play bingo or dancing. We were going to head off to some Christian College. They did whatever they had to do for the betterment of their family. Amazingly, this always coincided with their own desires and the times that God had fallen mute on them attempting something to the contrary. Fortunately, our Heavenly Father made sure it was known what we were NOT allowed to do. You'd be surprised at just what all that covered.
Next, I wondered about the disconnect I saw espoused between the 'party line' and reality. Tons of people decried abortion loud and clear, said pro-life was the only way to be and handed out those heinous pamphlets with dissected babies on the front. However, these same people never did a damn thing about the babies once they were born. No volunteering, no offering shelter temporarily, no spending money in any context to help both mother and child. Thus I understood that lip service was easy (Murdererrrrrrrrrr!), but backing anything up with action (I'd love to adopt!!) was much more difficult.
Last (I think), was when I started college. My mother had always discouraged me from going, labeling it as nothing more than an effort to remain a kid ( = lazy, wild, irresponsible) for as long as possible, probably at someone else's expense. Regardless, I started at 25 and found out a wealth of information that no one had ever bothered to share so that an informed opinion could be founded. The first, I believe, had to do with Hammurabi's Code. See, I'd never in my wildest dreams think that there were stories, identical to the ones in the bible, written pre-Christianity. If, say, the tale of the baby Moses was true, why was there the same thing going on in another culture (and on and on), many moons before it happened the way we'd been taught?
And this seemed to be common and, furthermore, that the nigh-universal (from the perspective of an extremely naive woman in east Texas, USA) spread of Jesus, was just the latest in a long line of religions to be popular. Like those that are discounted now because they're too recent, yanno? Eh, I know that sounds tortured, but in my flustered state, that's about the best I can do.
After that, it was merely a chipping at the base. Nothing seemed to add up right any longer and I couldn't abide what I now saw as hatred. Plus, the fear was killing me and if I had one aspect that I felt was more responsible for my decline in mental health, it would have to be how my views on this were so fucked up. Above and beyond, I suppose any more spewing about this topic, is gonna hafta wait for a while until I calm back down and go watch Dogma or something. I hope this will, perhaps, give anyone fodder for psychoanalyzing me. 'Cause that's always fun.
When we meet again, let's discuss something a little less heady. How about nuclear disarmament?
Where I stand today is firmly on the side of Stevie. I couldn't say it any better than that.
Peaces in peaces,
~Kemi
****************
Image courtesy: www.amazon.co.uk.
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