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There is something almost grotesque in the sight of a huge four year old child being wheeled around in a perambulator. Whenever I see it I want to tell the kid to get out and walk. Kids that big can run around a playground for hours on end without tiring, so they should be able to give their mums a break.
I have a friend who drives to the park, gets her enormous 13 kg pram out of the boot, then pushes her enormous three and a half year old boy in it to the actual playground as he tends to run wild and she doesn't want to have to chase him around. Time for discipline? Another friend pushes her four year old and her two year old in a double pram to the shops every afternoon. The walk is half a kilometre.
Of course, the kids are riding in prams that are as big as they are. The 4WD of prams is a massive three wheeler with wheels as big as bicyle tires. It doesn't fit in to many shopping aisles, it's so heavy it'll break your back (which is usually already sore, first from being pregnant and then from lugging around your child) and the wheel axles are likely to break, resulting in a large sum of money being paid out to fix them. I know all this because I had one. Just like a 4WD car, they're a ridiculous invention and only 'fashion' can explain their popularity.
I realise most kids don't want to walk, that they complain about being tired, but for God's sake - just make 'em!!
When I'm out with my kids no guys ever look at me. I'm holding a stroller with a baby in it in front of me, like some form of shield and I've got a three year old hanging off my other hand. Those two weapons are enough to scare off most men, young and old.
There is much talk about the invisibility of the older woman, how grey hair, lines and a middle aged spread render a once gorgeous woman indistinguishable from the masses of uninteresting humanity, but I'm still young...ish. It's like children are an extension of the pregnant belly, when they're there they scream 'Hands off! Someone got here before you!'
A friend of mine once told me how she was in her car and stopped at traffic lights when a guy in the next car gave her a major once over, or as my friend describes it "some serious feedback". My friend was enjoying the attention until she saw the guy do a double take as he saw her one year old sitting in her child seat in the back. Suddenly the guy looked away and stared fixedly at the road in front. He apparently looked embarrassed. Embarrassed! How on earth do single mums ever get a date!
When I do get the chance, what maybe once every couple of weeks, to go out without my kids, and I'm not talking even talking going out on the razzle dazzle, just out of the house, I'm always shocked that MEN DO LOOK AT ME!
And sometimes they're even YOUNG CUTE ONES!!! And the ridiculous thing is part of me feels somehow guilty that I've cheated them into checking me out when I'm without my kids, so I don't really deserve the admiration. But to hell with that, hey? Do check me out! It makes me feel alive again!
I may be a bored, desperately unglamorous housewife but I do live in the greatest city on earth, just up the road from the world's best beach - Bondi. I managed to convince my mother to come to the beach this morning, telling her "the kids are driving me insane, will you keep us company?" The surf was huge, due to cyclones far away and watching the waves I spied a penguin swimming. Yes. A penguin. A fairy penguin. I screamed with excitement and, handing both kids to my Mama, dived in the water.
This was intrepid, there was a strong current up the north end and I'd already seen quite a lot of bluebottles (the cause of a trip to the hospital emergency ward two years ago). But the chance to swim with a penguin was not one to be missed! I swam under the waves and coming up I spotted him again, dipping his little head in and out and swimming like a mini demon through a wave.
Making sure I wasn't dashed against the rocks (I'm serious here! The rip was really strong!) I got in closer to him and saw his beady little eye checking me out. The thrill tempered by a mild anxiety - he wouldn't nip me would he? What was that brushing against me? I'm the only person swimming out here! Help! - I swam back in to shore.
A crowd - ok two people - had gathered with my Mum and the kids and they all asked me - did you see him again? Yes I had! Don't ever let me tell you my life's boring. I was feeling fab - until the next temper tantrum...
Is that shocking? Yes I love them, adore them, lavish my time and care on them, cook them healthy food, read them stories, sing to them, take them to the playground, but they bore me to sobs half the time! Yes, my three and a half year old says the most adorable, funny things and astounds me with his memory, his imagination and his cleverness but the constant made up stories that I am expected to find fascinating and join in with are starting to drive me mad... "When I got bitten by a shark I smashed his head in... Mummy?Say tell me more." "Mummy this baby lamb has a sore leg, you're the doctor can you fix it?" So I fix it. "Ok now you have to give her some medicine." I administer medicine. "Now here's her bandage." Sometimes I just want to scream at him to SHUT UP!
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