Recent Posts
ok so i have not written in a reallyt long time. ok so i was expecting my account to just be terminated or someshit.
lucky for me though.
ok so life has been ok for a while. im sick with extreme throat issues on a rainy friday night so at the moment life is not the best. in fact i have eaten enough today to make sure that i will not fit into any of my clothes by monday. cool.
so i have been playing with story ideas in my head. this play however is intereupted by issues pertaining to reality which makes my life, and my writing, so much more complicated. i also promised myself that i would not allow men, or boys as i think of them, to cloud my thoughts and my day to day. who knows, with me relationships are non existant and im a real bitch. i was not willing to change this fact so i just closed my mind to all possibility.
then one saturday, mid semester, i was sitting at my desk at work, got a message. it was a little house party. the message was from mick but u knew that it was mitch who had told him to send it. push came to shove i went, i was my usual ignoraing him, bitchy self but we still ended up chatting and kissing away till the morning. so that was ok. i was satisfied. mitch and i have one of those messed relationships where we hook up randomly for like two years then wonder why one of su gets hurt when the other gets a partner. safe to say we still see each other every weekend with no action, which is good, but we seem to have ther elationship fights that are only good when there is a lot of sex involved. there is never sex involved which makes these fights futile and heart shredding.
so that was one distraction of my semester. another was death. two things that are so far from each other; death and love. hate that is the way it is. car accident, two brother, tragic.
i dont know how i deal with death. i dont think i do. i dont cry or get shaky or need hugs or anything, i just am my usual bitchy self. i cant sleep though, cant eat really, want to just lay in bed. but still i cant cry. this pisses me off. but whatever right, death is death and it hits like damn truck on everything that you think you can deal with but realise that you really cant.
so i got an extension on my last essay. i have never done this ever. this is how i knew i must have been shaken. so fucked up right? i know im upset when i cant write an essay on foucault. issues.
so there is another thing (im increasingly thinking that this post is bullshit and i feel pain for those bothered reading it) i facebook messaged a guy i kissed afew weeks ago. and he wrote back but i ahve not opened it. for 6 hours i cant bring myself to open it. there can be nothing evil in it or no possibility of rejection as the conversation was very subtle and minor. so what my problem?
im asking.
so i will try to construct more interesting posts, reviews maybe or even just . i dont know.
hopefully i open the message.
hi man
well it kind of sux but it seems email is easiest. well easier than you trying to get a hold of me and me trying to get a hold of me. sux
email means that i have ot try and put into words what you mean to me and what it means that you are in a hard spot and guess what me too, hard fucking spot. that sux too, but its ok. soon we will chat about it and try and fix it together, until then i hate any other bullshit, like lion's meetings and assesments. i just wish sometimes that me and you were not as comfortable as we are, we dont try anymore, all of out commitments take over us. its not on purpose and its not as if we care any less, its just that we have shit to do, this is life right? nah man its fucked.
meg was at mine the other night, after that shit with chris, and we got to talking about me. turns out i had my breakdown the same day as you and her, go figure right? fucked. yeah i had one of those "i wish i could just stay in bed and die and not be perfect and go to uni at 8am.... etc" i thought it would get better if i just got under the shower, got on the train, rode the bus, did my work, ................. it didnt though i still wanted to die as i went for a teary jog that night. fucked really.
so yeah meg. we sat upstairs and i had no simpathy at all for her. none. i was not sorry for her at all. i just was cold. and she said so too. "jasmin your cold" i said "all people do meg is have pitty and be cold and turn away form each other" she said "all i have is you and tara" i said "meg you have no one, i have no one we are all alone and thats that" i dont no what was wrong with me but as usual i could not talk about how i felt. language was not my frend and i felt pretty bad. i was angry at you too. just couldnt believe why u werent there with us, with this sore excuse for a girl who was drunk and lifeless on a monday night. i couldnt figure why you did not tell "me" about lisa, which i still no nothing about. i coulnt figure it at all.
then i realised that your probly just as fucked as me, on the edge of a massive break down and as usual you dont want help becasue the minute you say anything you wont be able to stop the rush of tears and the storm of your hollering and chain smoking. i know thats how i feel. i keep thinking i will deal with it when i hand my shit in, after this weekend, ok maybe next weekend." i dont ever want to deal with it. but meg is right, i am cold and that sux. mum tells me too. meg said "its a shame jasmin because you have more love in you than any of us" yeah am cold but if people could see just how ripped up i am underneath my skin they would see im not cold really, not in the evil sense.
you see tara i think i can see all your ripped shreds too. but because you dont show them to me i will never no for sure and i just ( like a coward and not a true frend) turn away and put it all to tara is being a bitch again, sux.
we are all alone in this world, but then meg has chris and you have john and i have things too .
we do have each other, we do, but hey when we have free time and even then not all of us can make it. thats all good it is but what the point in seeing eachother if we cant break the fuck down with eachother, not be bitches and say rude things and grow distant. im not saying you have done this, i am saying this is our relationship. who i am being is an inconsiderate bitch who sees tara be distant and just lets it go. i am no friend, not at all. but that is that i leave it behind and i will transform it completly. so lets break down together ok, ill invite meg too ok we can have a mad bitch, a mad smoke and eat organic nuts (hahah kidding! - not really actually E.D just kicked in - ok now im kidding)
ok so thats that. oh yeah , i love you. i never tell you that. well you never say it to me but i cant ever help but notice everytime you talk to your mum and to john you say i love you. how fucked is it that i noticed this? yeah im a stalker lesbian whore, but i love you.
see ya thurs? or maybe tonight (wed) dont no i may go library and pull my hair out there. should be good.
much love
xxxxxxx
Hello my dear
How are you?
Me?
Yeah mean?
right well apart from being horribly frantic that I do not understand the critical theory of recognition enough to write a decent paper by Monday and the fact that I have deadlines coming from every orifice and the fact that a particularly bad strain of (monthly?) depression has hit me making me constantly wish I was in bed doing nothing, I am fine.
Ha
Lately I have theorized that because we are generation Y there is never any hope of being at all satisfied because we are all too aware that satisfaction is a myth that will always loom but never be realized. this notion I take great comfort in. this is part of my new found love for modernist literature, post modernist art and anything that happened in the 90's i.e. nirvana, Alanis morrisette, Reality Bites and anything else that heralds a return to narcissism am and dislocation and feeling of no progress and the fact that its ok to be nothing.
Too theoretical and bullshitty?
Im sorry but this is how I am feeling on Monday at 1130 sitting in my little section of the law library where I have been attempting to write an essay or rather to form an argument.
So when my new ethos on life means that there is no hope for progress and all we have are pockets in the rhizome (deleuze) that is life then what you may rightly ask is the point of doing anything; of studying frantically; of chasing deadlines; of running; of walking; of eating; of sleeping? Well its because you do it. Thats as much certainty as I can muster, that is all I have. We do it for no other reason than the fact that its what we do to occupy our time her on this earth where we live.
Can there be freedom in this? Maybe yes. Well there is a freedom in knowing that no other moment matters than that one that we are at this moment occupying. Those ten years does not matter, that we dont have to build our lives based on a theory of continual progress and betterment. That the small moments can be just as important as graduation or love and all the other crap that so traditionally conceived of higher in the scheme of things.
So thats why is occupying my thoughts and I should get back to Honneth and Fraser and their perpetual battle about the same exact thing.
so good bye and good luck and dont worry about this attack of some sort of Hemorrhage
x
I want to check in very quickly. this post will be horribly insubstantial but it was something I needed to write.
I fond that there are certain days in every month, maybe certain weeks in every year, that I spend lacing in and out of different textual influences that have dramatic affects on my life. like songs, movies, television or books. For example the week I read Jane Eyre I was in a constant state of enlightenment, as if my hoel world made sense because I had been evoked by a world so far away yet so close to my own existence
[ Click here to read more ]
So I get home last night to find the complete darkness of my house being stabbed by rushes of extreme light. Only one conclusion; they started the movie without me.
Damn. Hate when that happens because it means that I can't get the whole idea of the film when only coming in half way.
Well this time i was stuck legs and body into this most riveting and emotively captivating i have seen in a while. The Brave One
[ Click here to read more ]
Australian masculinity. A conceptual framework geared towards an attempt at understanding the complex workings that are the male, the Australian male. Now this was my dream subject to take. Took me two years and it was worth it.
I love the study of sexuality and gender but am so dissolution with feminism and its circular theories. so masculinity is good, refreshing and not exclusionary
[ Click here to read more ]
There is a certain freedom that comes with profound silence. A silence that is neither melancholy nor persistent; but rather a silence that is observant and completely idiosyncratic.
This is the silence that envelopes me four days a week when Im at uni. I dont mean to be a quiet and reserved as I am, or bitchy and ignorantly silent. I would much rather walk alone and read alone and do all I ever want in complete isolation. This seems odd to all who know me; know me as the school vice captain, the party animal, the talkative opinion-on-everything
[ Click here to read more ]
I'm starting uni this week. Third year, so apparently its getting serious. honours, distinction and nineteenth century literature. would it appear too nerdy if i admit to being absolutly pumped!
i have paid for my books and i have even read one
[ Click here to read more ]
I look forward to every Wedesday morning because i get the Epoch Times handed to me by an elderly, smiling Chinese Women.
The Epoch Times is by far my favourite newspaper, it seems to exude something that seems driven by human integrity ratehr than political ubbish. However i am sure i may be looking at it sticktly from a romanticised point of view.
Something greatly caught my eye; this something is regarding an improvement (improvement!!) in the health of Aboriginals in the northern territory. Now for thsoe readers who are not aware of the radical health crisis facing Aboriginals in Australia i will give you a brief, and i stress brief, summary of the current situation
[ Click here to read more ]
i just finished reading The Kite Runner by Khaled Housseni. Now this close to the commencement of semester 1 i sould be refreshing on foucault and reading more bronte. but a friend sent it, by mail, from melbourne so what choice did i have?
so i began. throughout the first chapters my contempt for the narrator/protagonist amir grew almost to boiling point. i just thought he was a creepy little snake who would burn anything for some attention. i juts was getting so damn irritated that all the memories of his childhood, all the grazed knees and acomplishments were tainted by his lust for supremecy over the servents son, Hassan
[ Click here to read more ]
|
|
|
Add Comments
Read More
Comments (1)
Comment by Ellis Currer Bell
on love, loss, and desperation
Australia Day 2008
Computer Journal
i loved this one! you are so passionate about your music and i just know how soul destroying the aria awards are for you!!!
very funny !!