My Husband's Baby Mama
April 21st 2010 04:06
I'm not sure where to begin when it comes to this crazy aspect of my life... But I guess the beginning would be logical, so here goes.
First, let me give you a little background about me. I am the eldest of four children in a white, middle class family. We were raised by two parents, who are not only still married but still hold hands. We had a fairly traditional upbringing, the-church-on-Sundays variety, and all got through our teens and early twenties with nary a bump along the road.
In fact, we're one of those families you'd probably expect to see in a Dick and Jane book. We all really like each other too. I know, sickening right? But that's us.
Fast forward to my current situation. Like my mum and dad, my husband and I are very happily married, but that's probably where the similarities end. He and I don't have any kids together yet, but he does have a daughter with an ex, who we get to see every second weekend. And being a part-time dad who currently gets no say in longterm decisions affecting his daughter, there's nothing real traditional about her upbringing - not in my books anyway.
When I first met my husband, let's call him H, he told me about the difficulties he was having trying to play a role in his daughter's life. He described his ex in rather colourful terms and as such I, with my rosy family background, thought surely he was exaggerating... Surely no one behaved that way... Surely he'd done something to trigger her outbursts... Right?
But let me give an example of behaviour I've witnessed first hand.
Step-daughter, S for short, started school for the first time this year. H was not invited to have any role in the decision-making regarding this milestone; he was simply informed of the school's name when S's mum wanted extra cash on top of his child support for school uniforms. (Not that he didn't try to find out mind you... But like his enquiries into his daughter's medical history, he was told it was "none of his business.")
Understandably, he felt that there might be some slight communication issues regarding how S was going at school. So, like the good dad he is, H contacted the school to introduce himself and request copies of school newsletters and report cards as well as invitations to parent-teacher meetings etc - you know, all the things an interested dad would ask for when it came to his daughter's education. He even said he would help out at school wherever possible.
Keep in mind that there are no court orders in place stating H is not entitled to do so... And in fact, H has proven himself to be a reliable, dedicated father, always collecting his daughter and returning her home at the time nominated by her mother, always paying above and beyond his child support, always doing what he can to be a good dad. He has never given anyone any reason to think otherwise. (Hey, I wouldn't have married the guy if I thought he was a scum-bag of a father.)
But what happened when S's mother found out H had contacted the school (who were quite happy to oblige him by the way)?
"How DARE you go behind my back and contact MY deputy principal?! I enrolled S in that school, not you - you have no right to contact them! How dare you! You are not to EVER go to that school! If I hear that you have been there, I will take S out of that school the very next day and you will never see her again! Do you want to kidnap her? Is that your plan???"
Erm... Right.
And yes, that honestly is a standard response from her in a situation like this. I've unfortunately witnessed it far too many times. I cannot tell you how many times she has screamed down the phone at H for no apparent reason, or in front of S at changeover; how many times she has withheld visitation because she did not get her way on something; how many times she has told their daughter lies about her father, including saying that he doesn't love her. Nice huh? According to S, her mother even told her after the above incident to tell the teacher if she ever saw her daddy at school... "But don't worry, I won't let him get you."
I am honestly surprised that S seems as stable as she does.
We are currently preparing to start legal proceedings so that not only will H finally be able to have a say in his daughter's upbringing, but her visitation will be locked in. No more having it withheld it or changed willy-nilly! And we will get to see S more often, such as half of the school holidays in addition to every second weekend, which will go a long way towards helping us feel like a real family for her, not just a rent-a-dad and his wife.
Not that we don't expect a bit of a battle in the meantime... Stay tuned for those thrilling installments!
Oh, and by the way, just this week her mother has decided H is allowed to come to S's school after all... If only to pick her up on the Fridays she comes to stay with us. She wants to work late so now it's convenient for her. But that's fine... Baby steps and positive changes for the win... At least that conversation wasn't abusive.
You know what I find most amazing about this whole situation? It might not look anything like my idea of "family" as a child, but for S? This is normal. This is what family is. And she feels loved by, and loves, both her parents, as dysfunctional as their relationship may be.
And in my opinion, that's all any child should call normal.
First, let me give you a little background about me. I am the eldest of four children in a white, middle class family. We were raised by two parents, who are not only still married but still hold hands. We had a fairly traditional upbringing, the-church-on-Sundays variety, and all got through our teens and early twenties with nary a bump along the road.
In fact, we're one of those families you'd probably expect to see in a Dick and Jane book. We all really like each other too. I know, sickening right? But that's us.
Fast forward to my current situation. Like my mum and dad, my husband and I are very happily married, but that's probably where the similarities end. He and I don't have any kids together yet, but he does have a daughter with an ex, who we get to see every second weekend. And being a part-time dad who currently gets no say in longterm decisions affecting his daughter, there's nothing real traditional about her upbringing - not in my books anyway.
When I first met my husband, let's call him H, he told me about the difficulties he was having trying to play a role in his daughter's life. He described his ex in rather colourful terms and as such I, with my rosy family background, thought surely he was exaggerating... Surely no one behaved that way... Surely he'd done something to trigger her outbursts... Right?
But let me give an example of behaviour I've witnessed first hand.
Step-daughter, S for short, started school for the first time this year. H was not invited to have any role in the decision-making regarding this milestone; he was simply informed of the school's name when S's mum wanted extra cash on top of his child support for school uniforms. (Not that he didn't try to find out mind you... But like his enquiries into his daughter's medical history, he was told it was "none of his business.")
Understandably, he felt that there might be some slight communication issues regarding how S was going at school. So, like the good dad he is, H contacted the school to introduce himself and request copies of school newsletters and report cards as well as invitations to parent-teacher meetings etc - you know, all the things an interested dad would ask for when it came to his daughter's education. He even said he would help out at school wherever possible.
Keep in mind that there are no court orders in place stating H is not entitled to do so... And in fact, H has proven himself to be a reliable, dedicated father, always collecting his daughter and returning her home at the time nominated by her mother, always paying above and beyond his child support, always doing what he can to be a good dad. He has never given anyone any reason to think otherwise. (Hey, I wouldn't have married the guy if I thought he was a scum-bag of a father.)
But what happened when S's mother found out H had contacted the school (who were quite happy to oblige him by the way)?
"How DARE you go behind my back and contact MY deputy principal?! I enrolled S in that school, not you - you have no right to contact them! How dare you! You are not to EVER go to that school! If I hear that you have been there, I will take S out of that school the very next day and you will never see her again! Do you want to kidnap her? Is that your plan???"
Erm... Right.
And yes, that honestly is a standard response from her in a situation like this. I've unfortunately witnessed it far too many times. I cannot tell you how many times she has screamed down the phone at H for no apparent reason, or in front of S at changeover; how many times she has withheld visitation because she did not get her way on something; how many times she has told their daughter lies about her father, including saying that he doesn't love her. Nice huh? According to S, her mother even told her after the above incident to tell the teacher if she ever saw her daddy at school... "But don't worry, I won't let him get you."
I am honestly surprised that S seems as stable as she does.
We are currently preparing to start legal proceedings so that not only will H finally be able to have a say in his daughter's upbringing, but her visitation will be locked in. No more having it withheld it or changed willy-nilly! And we will get to see S more often, such as half of the school holidays in addition to every second weekend, which will go a long way towards helping us feel like a real family for her, not just a rent-a-dad and his wife.
Not that we don't expect a bit of a battle in the meantime... Stay tuned for those thrilling installments!
Oh, and by the way, just this week her mother has decided H is allowed to come to S's school after all... If only to pick her up on the Fridays she comes to stay with us. She wants to work late so now it's convenient for her. But that's fine... Baby steps and positive changes for the win... At least that conversation wasn't abusive.
You know what I find most amazing about this whole situation? It might not look anything like my idea of "family" as a child, but for S? This is normal. This is what family is. And she feels loved by, and loves, both her parents, as dysfunctional as their relationship may be.
And in my opinion, that's all any child should call normal.
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