Dreaming
March 3rd 2009 23:55
I saw you in my dream. You were my whole dream.
It always happens that way. I exorcise you, like a demon. I stop thinking about you, stop obsessing, start getting on with life. Just like my councellors tell me to. And then theres a dream. I tried to tell them - it doesnt work. I know the methods. I use the methods. They dont work anymore. But theyve got nothing new to tell me. 'Just keep doing what you have been doing' and I say, 'but it doesnt work' and here we are. Again.
I was at a party. It was a work party. I was there with a pretty girl I dont know. She was my friend. She was acting like I worked there, even though we both knew, I didnt. They were working on getting me a promotion, even though I dont even work there. I looked amazing. Then, I noticed, in the 'common area' of the club, where there were video games, there you were.
When we left, I was with my man. We got on this crappy old bus, and we were on our way home. My man was talking to his best friend. He didnt seem to notice you. You came and sat beside me. We were talking, it was awkward. Then my man says, he's getting off with his mate. They are going somewhere. I say ok, and they get off, in a forestry area. And then we are alone.
The bus goes towards the old town where we both used to play. You try to be suggestive, even 'accidently' knocking my breast with your hand as the bus moves. Its a crappy old bus, seats ripped open, no paint, a tin can, and its lurching about, but that brush of your hand....It spoke volumes to me. I said, 'cut it out' and scowl. I say, 'but what about my man?' your grin says it all....Who cares Arnie? Who fucking cares...You never cared before. Every boyfriend you've ever had has been cuckholded by me. Every single damn one of them that thought they could keep you forever, sooner or later they realize Ive been doin you in the shadows behind their back. And not only did they not notice, they didnt care....They just floated away didnt they? They left you with me, didnt they?
We get off the bus. My careful appearance is trying to dissipte, its been ages since that fully professional party. Dawn tints the sky, but she's going to stay like that for a good few hours, and somehow we know it. We wander, looking for another bus stop to take me closer to home. You dont care about getting home, youre just following me now. We walk through an old car park - Ive taken off my high heels. We know this spot. You try to persuade me to go down to the park...The grass, the trees. This was our play ground. This was where we knew each other so well. You are...So....Overpowering. You dont touch me. Not after my reaction to that 'accidental' touch. Its just your eyes. Your manner. I know, you want to just kiss me, sweep me off down there, whatever I say, and fuck, part of me wants that too, but I say NO, what about my man? I will not betray my MAN! And you just laugh at me. Somehow I resist.
I turn us up the street, away from the park, towards the next bus stop. Its funny, there are no clubs here, but the streets are full of clubbers. The buses are getting full. I get on, quick, and sit down, forgetting to pay like Im drugged. But Im not. You pay for me. By now, my dress it dirty, my hair is all messed, and even though I took off my high heels, theyre all dirty. I look as unkempt as you.
So youre sitting beside me, so close. But not touching me. You son of a bitch. You know, all I want is for you to just not listen to me, and DO IT, make the decision for me, but you wont. I said no. So now youre just going to sit there, letting our energies scream at each other and play on each other, youre going to wait until I throw myself down like a bitch in heat and beg you. We talk. Who knows what about? I certainly cant remember. It was engaging, but it meant nothing. Nothing compared to the skin I can glimpse through your tattered clothes. Nothing compared to the gleam of your cruel blue eyes. Your grin, cos you know, I want you, and I want you bad.
We get off the bus at a servo. Not far from my house. Im going to walk. You want to come with. I say no. What about my man. Hes probably there. You just grin. I go into the servo for some gum. Use the bathroom while Im there, and have this ferocious image of us fucking in there, against the wall, while the proprietor bangs on the door screaming 'what are you kids doing in there!" Theres some commotion. I dont notice it.
We stand in the carpark. Grey concrete, grey sky. Theres a foot of space between us. All I want is to say goodbye properly, and I can feel your smooth sides under my palms as we hug, your tight belly against mine, your hard shoulder against my cheek. Yet that space remains, I do not let it close. You grin at me, your same grin. Always the same. Id like to say call me, email me...Find me, or something. Dont let this be the end. But I cant say any of those things. What about my man? I cannot betray my man. Even though Ive begun to think that in this day and age, humans take sex way too seriously. True love should not be upset by the casual fuck - true love should encourage it, because theres no danger. But you arent exactly casual, are you, my dear EX.....Its all just excuses, because I chose him over you, I thought he was the one that would exorcise you forever, blazing and strong and huge enough to delete you forever. But I guess I was wrong. Here you are.
I think you walk with me for a bit, and Im so uncomfortable. I think my man might see. And you never, ever touch me, even casually. You know what thats doing to me, I can see it all in your smile. You know that distance is more maddening to me than if you threw me down on the roadside and fucked me while I screamed, "NO DONT" ......With a big smile on my face.
But we part. I got what I wanted - I didnt betray my man. I kept you away. But I awake in a kind of sick frustration.....If I canot even enjoy you in my DREAMS than how is that fair? How is that at all fair, if I cannot enjoy you in a fucking DREAM?!!
And of course. That you are not sweet, you are not nice, and in the real world, the first thing you would probably do is punch me. Or call me a whore. Who knows? But Im sure it would never be as sweet as the dream. Thats made by my psyche, and its not really you.
Even if you felt so real to me there, its not you....You are vicious, you are violent....And you are not smart enough to play my feelings like that. No way. So, its back to the councellors again, to say, 'its not working', so they can say....'just keep doing what you have been doing.'
It always happens that way. I exorcise you, like a demon. I stop thinking about you, stop obsessing, start getting on with life. Just like my councellors tell me to. And then theres a dream. I tried to tell them - it doesnt work. I know the methods. I use the methods. They dont work anymore. But theyve got nothing new to tell me. 'Just keep doing what you have been doing' and I say, 'but it doesnt work' and here we are. Again.
I was at a party. It was a work party. I was there with a pretty girl I dont know. She was my friend. She was acting like I worked there, even though we both knew, I didnt. They were working on getting me a promotion, even though I dont even work there. I looked amazing. Then, I noticed, in the 'common area' of the club, where there were video games, there you were.
When we left, I was with my man. We got on this crappy old bus, and we were on our way home. My man was talking to his best friend. He didnt seem to notice you. You came and sat beside me. We were talking, it was awkward. Then my man says, he's getting off with his mate. They are going somewhere. I say ok, and they get off, in a forestry area. And then we are alone.
The bus goes towards the old town where we both used to play. You try to be suggestive, even 'accidently' knocking my breast with your hand as the bus moves. Its a crappy old bus, seats ripped open, no paint, a tin can, and its lurching about, but that brush of your hand....It spoke volumes to me. I said, 'cut it out' and scowl. I say, 'but what about my man?' your grin says it all....Who cares Arnie? Who fucking cares...You never cared before. Every boyfriend you've ever had has been cuckholded by me. Every single damn one of them that thought they could keep you forever, sooner or later they realize Ive been doin you in the shadows behind their back. And not only did they not notice, they didnt care....They just floated away didnt they? They left you with me, didnt they?
We get off the bus. My careful appearance is trying to dissipte, its been ages since that fully professional party. Dawn tints the sky, but she's going to stay like that for a good few hours, and somehow we know it. We wander, looking for another bus stop to take me closer to home. You dont care about getting home, youre just following me now. We walk through an old car park - Ive taken off my high heels. We know this spot. You try to persuade me to go down to the park...The grass, the trees. This was our play ground. This was where we knew each other so well. You are...So....Overpowering. You dont touch me. Not after my reaction to that 'accidental' touch. Its just your eyes. Your manner. I know, you want to just kiss me, sweep me off down there, whatever I say, and fuck, part of me wants that too, but I say NO, what about my man? I will not betray my MAN! And you just laugh at me. Somehow I resist.
I turn us up the street, away from the park, towards the next bus stop. Its funny, there are no clubs here, but the streets are full of clubbers. The buses are getting full. I get on, quick, and sit down, forgetting to pay like Im drugged. But Im not. You pay for me. By now, my dress it dirty, my hair is all messed, and even though I took off my high heels, theyre all dirty. I look as unkempt as you.
So youre sitting beside me, so close. But not touching me. You son of a bitch. You know, all I want is for you to just not listen to me, and DO IT, make the decision for me, but you wont. I said no. So now youre just going to sit there, letting our energies scream at each other and play on each other, youre going to wait until I throw myself down like a bitch in heat and beg you. We talk. Who knows what about? I certainly cant remember. It was engaging, but it meant nothing. Nothing compared to the skin I can glimpse through your tattered clothes. Nothing compared to the gleam of your cruel blue eyes. Your grin, cos you know, I want you, and I want you bad.
We get off the bus at a servo. Not far from my house. Im going to walk. You want to come with. I say no. What about my man. Hes probably there. You just grin. I go into the servo for some gum. Use the bathroom while Im there, and have this ferocious image of us fucking in there, against the wall, while the proprietor bangs on the door screaming 'what are you kids doing in there!" Theres some commotion. I dont notice it.
We stand in the carpark. Grey concrete, grey sky. Theres a foot of space between us. All I want is to say goodbye properly, and I can feel your smooth sides under my palms as we hug, your tight belly against mine, your hard shoulder against my cheek. Yet that space remains, I do not let it close. You grin at me, your same grin. Always the same. Id like to say call me, email me...Find me, or something. Dont let this be the end. But I cant say any of those things. What about my man? I cannot betray my man. Even though Ive begun to think that in this day and age, humans take sex way too seriously. True love should not be upset by the casual fuck - true love should encourage it, because theres no danger. But you arent exactly casual, are you, my dear EX.....Its all just excuses, because I chose him over you, I thought he was the one that would exorcise you forever, blazing and strong and huge enough to delete you forever. But I guess I was wrong. Here you are.
I think you walk with me for a bit, and Im so uncomfortable. I think my man might see. And you never, ever touch me, even casually. You know what thats doing to me, I can see it all in your smile. You know that distance is more maddening to me than if you threw me down on the roadside and fucked me while I screamed, "NO DONT" ......With a big smile on my face.
But we part. I got what I wanted - I didnt betray my man. I kept you away. But I awake in a kind of sick frustration.....If I canot even enjoy you in my DREAMS than how is that fair? How is that at all fair, if I cannot enjoy you in a fucking DREAM?!!
And of course. That you are not sweet, you are not nice, and in the real world, the first thing you would probably do is punch me. Or call me a whore. Who knows? But Im sure it would never be as sweet as the dream. Thats made by my psyche, and its not really you.
Even if you felt so real to me there, its not you....You are vicious, you are violent....And you are not smart enough to play my feelings like that. No way. So, its back to the councellors again, to say, 'its not working', so they can say....'just keep doing what you have been doing.'
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