suitably*woundedMy Step-Brother Has Terminal Cancer
November 8th 2006 03:46
From the "Who in the hell's life could be this bad?" category, I've another file to share with you because, I assume, it's what has brought on this severe bout of depression today.
First the background.... my step-dad (which is the only father I've ever known) legally adopted me when I was 12, although he married my mother 8 years earlier. I'm not sure what prompted the action at the time, but I'm very happy it took place and he's wonderful. As a matter of fact, we've grown leaps and bounds closer since I've been unwell. With dad came my step-brothers, one worth mentioning, the other not (unless you wanna hear everything on a very long rap sheet).
Unfortunately, I never got really close to the eldest, David. Mom couldn't tolerate him because he lacked ambition, partook of things she vehemently disapproved of (oh noes! teh evil pot!!) and mostly, was apt to lie to get himself out of a tight spot with her. Plus, he wasn't just real reliable. Anyway, all that started a pattern that would be constant over the years with David showing up from time to time and then, ultimately disappearing again until a couple of years had passed. Then he'd just pick up where things had been left off at. Happily, this drove my mother nuts and sadly, prevented me from seeing him much while I still lived at home. Once I moved out, it wasn't too much longer that we were both really busy with that thing some call 'life' and then I got sick. Wash, rinse, repeat.
So, fast forward to a few more good moments and the occasions when dear ol' mom would follow her Christian principles, handing out a bit of charity here and there. Until August and David being taken to the emergency room because he was bleeding while coughing. They did so many tests that you could almost feel them bilking his insurance, sent him to various specialists, hopped him up on prescriptions and then finally proffered a diagnosis; Soft Tissue Sarcoma, with an outlook of (worst case scenario) 6 months to (at best) around a year. Bad karma ensues.
He's been up and down again with my mother, who can be sainted this second and martyred the next. He's had two rounds of chemo, but although some tumors have shrank, more have shown up, along with a couple or four of blood clots. He just recently got over pneumonia and all his hair has bit the dust. As a perk, I've shaved my head in solidarity and, if for nothing else, to give him a laugh. And that's where we stand as of today, with him going back out of town to check his blood count.
Why I'm I telling you this all? Perhaps I just need to vent and move some of my troubles on to the blog to make them vanish. Like in a dream or video game. In addition, I worry. Amazing, huh? My sister-in-law could best be described as a tad lost and I'm terrified that alone she'll never be able to take care of their 4 kids, let alone work. I'm scared David won't take care of his necessary business before it's too late. He still hasn't made a will nor planned out funeral-type arrangements. For Og's sake, we're well into two months in! Lastly, I fear the denial he keeps experiencing is preventing him from really doing the right (for lack of a better word) thing.... waking moments being with his children or skipping things he'll regret not having done. Making amends. Enjoying everything possible that he can.
Mostly, I don't want him to go and I wish I could change the last 34 years so I'd hold him tighter. No matter what, he has to know I love him and that I'll be there, no matter what.
I love you brother, very much.
Your little sister always,
~Kemi
First the background.... my step-dad (which is the only father I've ever known) legally adopted me when I was 12, although he married my mother 8 years earlier. I'm not sure what prompted the action at the time, but I'm very happy it took place and he's wonderful. As a matter of fact, we've grown leaps and bounds closer since I've been unwell. With dad came my step-brothers, one worth mentioning, the other not (unless you wanna hear everything on a very long rap sheet).
Unfortunately, I never got really close to the eldest, David. Mom couldn't tolerate him because he lacked ambition, partook of things she vehemently disapproved of (oh noes! teh evil pot!!) and mostly, was apt to lie to get himself out of a tight spot with her. Plus, he wasn't just real reliable. Anyway, all that started a pattern that would be constant over the years with David showing up from time to time and then, ultimately disappearing again until a couple of years had passed. Then he'd just pick up where things had been left off at. Happily, this drove my mother nuts and sadly, prevented me from seeing him much while I still lived at home. Once I moved out, it wasn't too much longer that we were both really busy with that thing some call 'life' and then I got sick. Wash, rinse, repeat.
So, fast forward to a few more good moments and the occasions when dear ol' mom would follow her Christian principles, handing out a bit of charity here and there. Until August and David being taken to the emergency room because he was bleeding while coughing. They did so many tests that you could almost feel them bilking his insurance, sent him to various specialists, hopped him up on prescriptions and then finally proffered a diagnosis; Soft Tissue Sarcoma, with an outlook of (worst case scenario) 6 months to (at best) around a year. Bad karma ensues.
He's been up and down again with my mother, who can be sainted this second and martyred the next. He's had two rounds of chemo, but although some tumors have shrank, more have shown up, along with a couple or four of blood clots. He just recently got over pneumonia and all his hair has bit the dust. As a perk, I've shaved my head in solidarity and, if for nothing else, to give him a laugh. And that's where we stand as of today, with him going back out of town to check his blood count.
Why I'm I telling you this all? Perhaps I just need to vent and move some of my troubles on to the blog to make them vanish. Like in a dream or video game. In addition, I worry. Amazing, huh? My sister-in-law could best be described as a tad lost and I'm terrified that alone she'll never be able to take care of their 4 kids, let alone work. I'm scared David won't take care of his necessary business before it's too late. He still hasn't made a will nor planned out funeral-type arrangements. For Og's sake, we're well into two months in! Lastly, I fear the denial he keeps experiencing is preventing him from really doing the right (for lack of a better word) thing.... waking moments being with his children or skipping things he'll regret not having done. Making amends. Enjoying everything possible that he can.
Mostly, I don't want him to go and I wish I could change the last 34 years so I'd hold him tighter. No matter what, he has to know I love him and that I'll be there, no matter what.
I love you brother, very much.
Your little sister always,
~Kemi
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Comment by Anonymous
That's why this blog was a great idea as I said. People can learn from you. You are helping people. It rocks.
You rock.
~Nakama
P.S.: SHAVED HEAD! AAAAHAHAHA YES!
Comment by suitably*wounded
Eternal Days; Author: Illness, M.
I'm so glad you're here. =) And I'm even more happy that I've inspired you in some small way, when over the years you've done a hell of a lot more than that.
Then you go and get all complimentary on me and, erm, ( ::: splutter ::: ), I'm so humbled I don't even know what to say. But if it helps at all....
Anyway, once again as always, you have my eternal thanks and friendship. No, YOU rock!
Huggles and kisses and loves!
~Kemi with the, yes, shaved head
Comment by Bryn
Horrorphile
peace and strength,
Dark Lord of the Orble Sith
Comment by suitably*wounded
Eternal Days; Author: Illness, M.