Dating Manners: First Dates
March 27th 2007 01:15
Seems like I read way too much these days from angry men and women, each accusing the other of being heartless and single-minded. Women accuse men of having only one thing on their minds; men accuse women of caring only about how much money a man makes.
Could this sad state of affairs be partly due to the decreased use of courtesy between the two? Not very long ago, people went on dates to get to know each other better; to talk to one another and enjoy each others' company. Nowadays I hear of and read horror stories about some of the rudeness that passes for social behavior on dates.
First Dates are not supposed to be like job interviews, unless both parties have made that clear (I'm looking for a spouse. You'll be judged by appearance, income, bra size, ability to cook, etc.etc.)
One is supposed to be on one's best behavior on first dates-not only to make a good impression, but to make each other comfortable. What makes you more comfortable with someone you don't know that well? Civilized behavior, or a free-spirited display (usually accompanied by the words, "This is the real me! Manners are for fakes! ")
The trouble with the let-it-all-hang-out approach is that it doesn't give anyone a chance to see you at your best. If they did see you at your best and got to like you for yourself over time, it might be easier to accept the fact that you don't make a lot of money, or aren't a lingerie model.
Could we reinstitute some dating rules for the sake of better relations, please?
Gentlemen: When you ask a lady out on a first date...
Show up on time, with the means to pay for all planned activities.
Wear appropriate, clean clothes.
Don't use rough or suggestive language.
When the date is over, take the lady home. If she asks you in for coffee, assume it is because she is offering you coffee and would like to talk to you a bit longer.
Remarks such as "Whaddya mean, goodnight? You know how much I spent on dinner?" are best kept to yourself. If you're the sort who regards a lady's company as negotiable for money or time spent--stop wasting your time and hers. There are professionals for that, and you don't even have to make polite conversation or take them to dinner.
Ladies: First of all, if you ask a man out on a date, you are the host; that means YOU pay. If a man asks you on the date, he pays. This the way it is, was, and always shall be! No exceptions! Let us assume for now that he has asked you on the date.
Be ready on time, and appropriately dressed. Going sailing or fishing does not require being "dressed up" . Going to a nice restaurant or the theatre does.
Accepting a date means keeping it. Cancelling for a "better offer" from someone else is unacceptable.
On the date, you are just as obligated as the gentleman to make interesting, polite conversation. Slighting remarks about the place he has taken you to, or comparisons with other dates, are inappropriate and rude.
Ladies and gentlemen: Keep ex-boyfriends, girlfriends and spouses out of the conversation for now. Ditto health problems, income, future family plans, and all other business of a personal nature. First dates are way too early to talk about such heavy subjects.
Ladies and gentlemen: Take "No" for an answer gracefully. This includes requests for a commitment to a second date, sexual relations, or a nightcap. Demanding to know the reason why, bursting into tears and saying "What's wrong with me?" or mentioning how much money was spent on the date are all unacceptable. "Well, just thought I'd ask. Thank you for a lovely time. Goodnight." That's pretty much all you can say without losing dignity.
Ladies and gentlemen: Say "No " gracefully. If you don't think any more time spent in each others' company is a good idea, the way to convey that is simple. "Thank you for a lovely time. Goodnight." It's a very useful phrase. Don't encourage false hope by saying "I'll call you" when you have no intentions of doing so. If the other person tries to pin you down to a commitment, " I'm sorry, but I'm going to be very busy for the next few months" should get the point across. "Dream on, loser!!" is unnecessary and mean.
Any other suggestions to add? Any pet peeves you have about dating? Feel free to unload here, in the interest of better communication between the sexes.
Could this sad state of affairs be partly due to the decreased use of courtesy between the two? Not very long ago, people went on dates to get to know each other better; to talk to one another and enjoy each others' company. Nowadays I hear of and read horror stories about some of the rudeness that passes for social behavior on dates.
One is supposed to be on one's best behavior on first dates-not only to make a good impression, but to make each other comfortable. What makes you more comfortable with someone you don't know that well? Civilized behavior, or a free-spirited display (usually accompanied by the words, "This is the real me! Manners are for fakes! ")
The trouble with the let-it-all-hang-out approach is that it doesn't give anyone a chance to see you at your best. If they did see you at your best and got to like you for yourself over time, it might be easier to accept the fact that you don't make a lot of money, or aren't a lingerie model.
Could we reinstitute some dating rules for the sake of better relations, please?
Gentlemen: When you ask a lady out on a first date...
Show up on time, with the means to pay for all planned activities.
Wear appropriate, clean clothes.
Don't use rough or suggestive language.
Remarks such as "Whaddya mean, goodnight? You know how much I spent on dinner?" are best kept to yourself. If you're the sort who regards a lady's company as negotiable for money or time spent--stop wasting your time and hers. There are professionals for that, and you don't even have to make polite conversation or take them to dinner.
Ladies: First of all, if you ask a man out on a date, you are the host; that means YOU pay. If a man asks you on the date, he pays. This the way it is, was, and always shall be! No exceptions! Let us assume for now that he has asked you on the date.
Be ready on time, and appropriately dressed. Going sailing or fishing does not require being "dressed up" . Going to a nice restaurant or the theatre does.
Accepting a date means keeping it. Cancelling for a "better offer" from someone else is unacceptable.
On the date, you are just as obligated as the gentleman to make interesting, polite conversation. Slighting remarks about the place he has taken you to, or comparisons with other dates, are inappropriate and rude.
Ladies and gentlemen: Keep ex-boyfriends, girlfriends and spouses out of the conversation for now. Ditto health problems, income, future family plans, and all other business of a personal nature. First dates are way too early to talk about such heavy subjects.
Ladies and gentlemen: Take "No" for an answer gracefully. This includes requests for a commitment to a second date, sexual relations, or a nightcap. Demanding to know the reason why, bursting into tears and saying "What's wrong with me?" or mentioning how much money was spent on the date are all unacceptable. "Well, just thought I'd ask. Thank you for a lovely time. Goodnight." That's pretty much all you can say without losing dignity.
Ladies and gentlemen: Say "No " gracefully. If you don't think any more time spent in each others' company is a good idea, the way to convey that is simple. "Thank you for a lovely time. Goodnight." It's a very useful phrase. Don't encourage false hope by saying "I'll call you" when you have no intentions of doing so. If the other person tries to pin you down to a commitment, " I'm sorry, but I'm going to be very busy for the next few months" should get the point across. "Dream on, loser!!" is unnecessary and mean.
Any other suggestions to add? Any pet peeves you have about dating? Feel free to unload here, in the interest of better communication between the sexes.
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Comment by Cibbuano
Hunt Famous
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But that's what makes it so fun!
Comment by katyzzz
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Don't go on a date with someone just for the heck of it. Choose someone you like.
katyzzz...a first date is not a commitment.
Comment by youranter
youranter
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By the way, what are you doing Saturday night, lol?
Comment by Andrea
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After 12 years of marriage I'd forgotten how difficult first dates could be.
It all makes me kind of glad that I don't have to worry about it all anymore.
A.
PS Difficult they could be but fun too, of course!!!
Comment by D. Armenta
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What constitutes bad manners?
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Comment by Aimzster
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On my dates - which seemed like a lifetime ago - I never treated them as dates and made a point of saying, "This isn't a date, ok?" because 'date' is laden with so many expectations, so I just say 'it's an opportunity for us to get to know each other'. It seemed to work - with the exception of the first date, of course.
Comment by kiwiauthor
I always arrive early if meeting someone somewhere for a date as I guess it can be a bit obvious for a lone woman sitting at a table somewhere and then when they come in ( i've texted them where I'm sitting and what i'm wearing so they don't have to search the crowds) I great them like I've known them for ages, tends to relax the situation a bit.
But its hard to know what the other persons expectations are, but if I've asked them out, then I pay unless they really insist they want to pay for their own. Best just to have a open and fluid outlook and just be yourself as the true you comes out in the end.
Heath
Comment by kiwiauthor
Comment by D. Armenta
The Florida Keys and Everglades
The Black Sheep Chronicles
What constitutes bad manners?
The male mystique
Debate Fan
L.A.M.P.
When I dated (if you could call it that--like you, Aimzster, I avoided official "dates" like the plague) I always brought enough money to cover my portion plus a cab home; I think it's a way some of us retain a little bit of control.
Technically, the person who asked for the date pays for the date; however, one still is unfortunate enough even in this modern age to run across the guy who feels that the lady "owes" him something if he pays for the date..hence my precautions.
Heath--from what I've seen on the internet so far, a lot of people tend to misrepresent themselves online; and that just covers bloggers, not singles.
On the other hand, I've gotten to know some very good friends by writing back and forth via the internet--as friends. Some go back as far as 10 years or more.
If you do go the internet dating route, I'd be interested to know how you get along.
Comment by kiwiauthor
Have actually done the internet dating on and off over the years and its been interesting to say the least. I've met all sorts on there, married woman pretending to be single(hint the wedding band skin tone gave that one away) , plenty of players on there too. Have met a couple of people who remain good friends but over all, just some strange people out there who treat it a bit like shopping I think.
Myself I would prefer to meet someone the old fashioned way and being able to get to know them as on the net, I have found that people aren't always what they say they are, which is interesting as not too sure why they feel they have to pretend to be someone different as the real person shines through in the end. So if you are going to go online, best advice be honest and be yourself, plus put a recent photo on. As I've met people and their photos have been 5-10 years old!!! Whats that about? And there usually is a reason why there isn't a photo on there, either they don't look like they say or they are up to no good, eg cheating.
Other than that increases confidence in new meeting people and have been on a few iffy dates from hell, so you learn tact, how to look interested without looking rude etc.
Plus always best to meet in public places just to be on the safe side.
Hal
Comment by D. Armenta
The Florida Keys and Everglades
The Black Sheep Chronicles
What constitutes bad manners?
The male mystique
Debate Fan
L.A.M.P.
I think the general rule of thumb here, according to Jerry Seinfeld, is: first date = meet for coffee.
Public, friendly terms
Easiest situation to escape
Participants don't pick up or take each other home
Can be as short or as long as you please
*Seems like good advice to me!
Yes, there seem to be quite a few people out there hiding behind their keyboards.
Good luck with that............
Comment by kiwiauthor
Carrying on with our previous topic, I;m always suprised as to people not being open and straight up with you. As we were previously discussing internet dating etc, it seems the last person I was seeing for about 2 months decided she didn't really have time for a rel, what with study, work etc. Bit of a bummer as I we had discussed that earlier and thought it was all worked out? But called it a day as that was what she wanted, then my flatmate said to me a week later, isn't it so and so on this dating site? Yup it was the person who had split up with me because she was too busy, now back on a site with nice new pic and profile.
So just goes to show that you never really know and I'd rather be told, we're not clicking etc than an excuse.
I would be interested to know the % of good internet dating stories compared to the bad, as there was a recent article in our local paper a month ago about internet dating. It seems out of NZ, Christchurch has the highest internet dating numbers and they interviewed a man and a woman. The man admited he was married and just on here for something extra and the woman said she wouldn't want to meet a long term partner off the site but it was okay for a bit of casual.
So interested to hear of any sucess stories if anyone has them ?
Hal