Dating in the Modern Age
July 15th 2008 03:00
When you’ve been dating as long as I have, you sometimes have to get creative when it comes to meeting new people. Until I met my boyfriend, I tried several different methods to meet a decent guy. I had friends set me up, but to no avail. What I noticed is that they tended to pick guys that were their type or the guy and I may have had some things in common, but there was no attraction.
Since I don’t go to church, meeting a guy there wasn’t an option. I mean, how hypocritical would it be for me to start going to a church just to meet a guy and then stop going, or worse, continue going to church to keep up the appearance that I’m a good Christian girl only to have the guy find out about my tattoos, piercings and love of loud, hard rock music. One thing I absolutely despise is hypocrisy so I try very hard not to add to what’s already floating around in the world. In addition to being a hypocrite, I’d also be doing the guy and myself a huge disservice by misrepresenting who I am. Shakespeare said it best: “To thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man.”
I also took some college classes with the intention of getting my degree (which I never did). While I met some awesome people, my focus was on my classes, not on finding a boyfriend. Ok, so I had a HUGE crush on my Political Science professor, but since I was his student, that was left well enough alone.
I’m also not a fan of dating co-workers for the simple reason that, no matter how discrete you and your sweetie are about your relationship, eventually it gets out and becomes fodder for the gossip mill. Then, God forbid you have a spat or, worse, break up. The whole office knows about it which makes life uncomfortable for both of you. For me, work and personal life are kept separate. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve worked with some great people and have formed some long-lasting friendships, but I have never gotten romantically involved with a co-worker.
Also, unless all you want is a one-night stand (and if that’s the case, all the power to you. I’m not here to judge), it is highly unlikely that you’ll find a decent guy by hanging out in a bar or club. Usually guys in those places are there for one thing: either to get drunk or to get laid, occasionally both. I’m not saying that it doesn’t happen and that no decent guys go to bars, however, it’s like the proverbial needle in a haystack. If that’s the only method you’re using to meet people, you’re just asking for frustration.
So, what’s left? You’ve exhausted all of your options and still nothing. Nada. Zero. Bupkus. I’ll tell you what’s left; online personals. Now, before you asphyxiate due to excessive laughter, hear me out. That’s how I met my boyfriend. We’ve been together for over a year now and have a stable, loving, committed relationship. I also met my ex-boyfriend several years ago through online personals and had a four-year relationship with him. They can work if you know what you’re doing.
Admittedly, the world of online personals can be very intimidating. There are so many sites on the internet that choosing one can be a daunting prospect. There are some decent low-cost or free sites out there. There are also sites that cater to specific ethnicities (Jewish, Asian, Latino, Black), alternative lifestyles (Gay/Lesbian, BDSM, Big Beautiful Women/Big Handsome Men) and even seniors.
One of the nice things about online personals is that you can correspond with people without revealing any personal details such as your email address or phone number. It gives you the opportunity to interact with someone yet retain a comfortable level of security until you get to know them a little better. If you get a message from someone that turns you off or is inappropriate, in most instances, you’re able to block them from sending you further messages. Some sites even have a built-in chat feature which allows you to exchanges messages with someone in real time as opposed to email, which sometimes take longer.
But I’m getting ahead of myself. What you’re probably wondering is how do you go about using an online personals site in the first place, assuming you’re new to the whole online dating experience. Once you’ve decided which site to use, you need to create an account which involves creating a user name and password. The whole point of using a personals site is to protect your anonymity so that random strangers can’t track you down. Therefore, you do not want to use your real name as your screen name. Choose something that reflects your personality. If you love hockey, a good name might be HockeyGirl. You get the idea.
You will also be asked to answer some general personal questions like age, race, religion, height, weight/body type, marital status, location (city/state) and educational level. The criteria you enter here are used to match you to other singles, so it’s important to be truthful. Then you will be asked to answer the same (or similar) general questions about the person you’re hoping to meet. Again, be honest. If one of the questions is regarding smoking and you answer “No Preference” when, in actuality, you can’t stand smoking; you’re going to be matched with people who are non-smokers, smokers and all points in between. Then you’ll just have to weed through a bunch of people who don’t meet your specifications which is not only frustrating, it’s a waste of your valuable time.
Next, you get to tell prospective partners about yourself. Be honest! If you’re a single parent, state that in your ad. A lot of guys are fine if a woman has kids and those that aren’t fine with it aren’t worth your time. It also saves you the pain of corresponding with someone you think is a good possibility only to have them disappear when you mention that you have a child or children. Talk about your interests and hobbies and tell them who you are. Are you artistic and creative? Do you like long walks on the beach and cuddling on the couch? Then, state that in your profile.
Finally, you get to tell the world who you’re trying to find. Again, be honest! I can’t stress that enough. If you’ve got a thing for guys that look like Danny DeVito or for men who look like linebackers, then say so. In addition to physical characteristics, let people know what personality trait’s you’re looking for in a potential partner. Think of this is as putting your order in with the universe. If you don’t ask for what you want, how are you going to get it? You have a right to be picky especially when it comes to a potential life partner. Do not just settle for anyone that comes down the pike. You’re worth more than that.
To aide you on your journey, I’ve compiled a few pointers:
1. Be honest! I know I sound like a broken record, but if you’re not honest about who you are and what you want, you stand very little chance of finding the person that is right for you. In addition, you’ll only be wasting your time because you’ll be matched up with a whole bunch of Mr. Wrongs instead of potential Mr. Rights.
2. Use spell check. Think of your profile as your dating resume. You wouldn’t send a resume to a potential employer without running it through a spell checker (at least I hope you wouldn’t!). Treat your profile with the same consideration. Also, have a friend read it and ask for feedback. It never hurts to get an honest opinion.
3. Be positive. I can’t tell you how much of a turn off it is to read profiles filled with what people don’t like or can’t stand. It makes the reader wonder if the person in the profile likes anything. Instead, state what you like and what makes you happy. You’ll be a lot more approachable than someone who comes across as negative and grumpy.
4. Post your photo. Profiles with pictures generate a lot more responses than those without. Just make sure that your face is clearly visible and that it’s fairly recent. While you may have been an adorable baby, it doesn’t exactly let someone know what you look like now.
5. Read potential partners profiles carefully. If someone says they’re looking for a “discrete relationship”, “intimate fun” or something along those lines, that usually means they’re attached or just looking for a quick piece of ass. If you’re ok with being someone’s dirty little secret or booty call, then go for it. If not, then look elsewhere.
6. Be smart. Don’t give out your personal information. If someone persists, block them. You don’t are under no obligation to reveal that information or to open yourself up to the possibility that the other person is a creep.
7. Create an email and/or Instant Message account on Yahoo, MSN or AOL. Use this account to correspond with people you meet through the personals. Once you’ve exchanged messages with someone a few times on the site, you should have a fairly good sense of whether or not you’d like to continue corresponding off-site. Match the email/IM account to your personals screen name if you’re able. This keeps your personal information private. They’re also free.
8. Don’t give out your phone number. If you’re chatting with someone via IM or email and you both decide that you’d like to speak on the phone, ask him for his phone number. This way, you can call him and block your phone number from showing up on Caller ID (check your phone book for instructions). There are sites on the internet that allow people to do a reverse phone lookup which reveals your full name and address. All someone has to do is enter your phone number, hit enter and Voila! They now know where you live. Reverse phone lookup usually only works with phone numbers that are listed in directory assistance. A nice guy will understand that you want to protect yourself. If he’s not willing to give you his phone number, then politely bid him good riddance.
9. Talk on the phone before meeting in person. Assuming the conditions in the previous step have been met, feel free to talk to your potential sweetie on the phone. You can tell a lot about someone by how they speak. I’ve had many instances where things were great online, but when it came time to talk to them on the phone, it all fell apart. In some cases, it was the guy’s voice that turned me off. In others, it was just a vibe that I got which said to stay away from this person.
10. Be safe. If you finally decide to meet someone in person, do so in a public place. Also, let a friend know where you’re going and who you’re going to meet. If possible, provide them with a photo and contact information of the person you’re meeting. This is a worst case scenario thing, but it’s better to be safe than sorry.
11. Keep it simple. For an initial meeting, coffee or a quick drink is best since it’s only about 30 minutes of your time. Agreeing to dinner for a first meeting can be awkward. There’s nothing worse than realizing that you have no chemistry with the person sitting across from you and then trying to converse with them for an hour or more. If you’ve only committed to coffee or a drink, then you can get out of there and on with your life. On the flip side, if coffee is going well, you can always decide to let coffee segue into dinner.
I know this is a lot to take in, but I hope it’s been helpful. Probably the most important thing to remember is to trust your instincts. Here’s hoping that you find the person that’s perfect for you. Good luck and happy hunting.
Since I don’t go to church, meeting a guy there wasn’t an option. I mean, how hypocritical would it be for me to start going to a church just to meet a guy and then stop going, or worse, continue going to church to keep up the appearance that I’m a good Christian girl only to have the guy find out about my tattoos, piercings and love of loud, hard rock music. One thing I absolutely despise is hypocrisy so I try very hard not to add to what’s already floating around in the world. In addition to being a hypocrite, I’d also be doing the guy and myself a huge disservice by misrepresenting who I am. Shakespeare said it best: “To thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man.”
I also took some college classes with the intention of getting my degree (which I never did). While I met some awesome people, my focus was on my classes, not on finding a boyfriend. Ok, so I had a HUGE crush on my Political Science professor, but since I was his student, that was left well enough alone.
I’m also not a fan of dating co-workers for the simple reason that, no matter how discrete you and your sweetie are about your relationship, eventually it gets out and becomes fodder for the gossip mill. Then, God forbid you have a spat or, worse, break up. The whole office knows about it which makes life uncomfortable for both of you. For me, work and personal life are kept separate. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve worked with some great people and have formed some long-lasting friendships, but I have never gotten romantically involved with a co-worker.
Also, unless all you want is a one-night stand (and if that’s the case, all the power to you. I’m not here to judge), it is highly unlikely that you’ll find a decent guy by hanging out in a bar or club. Usually guys in those places are there for one thing: either to get drunk or to get laid, occasionally both. I’m not saying that it doesn’t happen and that no decent guys go to bars, however, it’s like the proverbial needle in a haystack. If that’s the only method you’re using to meet people, you’re just asking for frustration.
So, what’s left? You’ve exhausted all of your options and still nothing. Nada. Zero. Bupkus. I’ll tell you what’s left; online personals. Now, before you asphyxiate due to excessive laughter, hear me out. That’s how I met my boyfriend. We’ve been together for over a year now and have a stable, loving, committed relationship. I also met my ex-boyfriend several years ago through online personals and had a four-year relationship with him. They can work if you know what you’re doing.
Admittedly, the world of online personals can be very intimidating. There are so many sites on the internet that choosing one can be a daunting prospect. There are some decent low-cost or free sites out there. There are also sites that cater to specific ethnicities (Jewish, Asian, Latino, Black), alternative lifestyles (Gay/Lesbian, BDSM, Big Beautiful Women/Big Handsome Men) and even seniors.
One of the nice things about online personals is that you can correspond with people without revealing any personal details such as your email address or phone number. It gives you the opportunity to interact with someone yet retain a comfortable level of security until you get to know them a little better. If you get a message from someone that turns you off or is inappropriate, in most instances, you’re able to block them from sending you further messages. Some sites even have a built-in chat feature which allows you to exchanges messages with someone in real time as opposed to email, which sometimes take longer.
But I’m getting ahead of myself. What you’re probably wondering is how do you go about using an online personals site in the first place, assuming you’re new to the whole online dating experience. Once you’ve decided which site to use, you need to create an account which involves creating a user name and password. The whole point of using a personals site is to protect your anonymity so that random strangers can’t track you down. Therefore, you do not want to use your real name as your screen name. Choose something that reflects your personality. If you love hockey, a good name might be HockeyGirl. You get the idea.
You will also be asked to answer some general personal questions like age, race, religion, height, weight/body type, marital status, location (city/state) and educational level. The criteria you enter here are used to match you to other singles, so it’s important to be truthful. Then you will be asked to answer the same (or similar) general questions about the person you’re hoping to meet. Again, be honest. If one of the questions is regarding smoking and you answer “No Preference” when, in actuality, you can’t stand smoking; you’re going to be matched with people who are non-smokers, smokers and all points in between. Then you’ll just have to weed through a bunch of people who don’t meet your specifications which is not only frustrating, it’s a waste of your valuable time.
Next, you get to tell prospective partners about yourself. Be honest! If you’re a single parent, state that in your ad. A lot of guys are fine if a woman has kids and those that aren’t fine with it aren’t worth your time. It also saves you the pain of corresponding with someone you think is a good possibility only to have them disappear when you mention that you have a child or children. Talk about your interests and hobbies and tell them who you are. Are you artistic and creative? Do you like long walks on the beach and cuddling on the couch? Then, state that in your profile.
Finally, you get to tell the world who you’re trying to find. Again, be honest! I can’t stress that enough. If you’ve got a thing for guys that look like Danny DeVito or for men who look like linebackers, then say so. In addition to physical characteristics, let people know what personality trait’s you’re looking for in a potential partner. Think of this is as putting your order in with the universe. If you don’t ask for what you want, how are you going to get it? You have a right to be picky especially when it comes to a potential life partner. Do not just settle for anyone that comes down the pike. You’re worth more than that.
To aide you on your journey, I’ve compiled a few pointers:
1. Be honest! I know I sound like a broken record, but if you’re not honest about who you are and what you want, you stand very little chance of finding the person that is right for you. In addition, you’ll only be wasting your time because you’ll be matched up with a whole bunch of Mr. Wrongs instead of potential Mr. Rights.
2. Use spell check. Think of your profile as your dating resume. You wouldn’t send a resume to a potential employer without running it through a spell checker (at least I hope you wouldn’t!). Treat your profile with the same consideration. Also, have a friend read it and ask for feedback. It never hurts to get an honest opinion.
3. Be positive. I can’t tell you how much of a turn off it is to read profiles filled with what people don’t like or can’t stand. It makes the reader wonder if the person in the profile likes anything. Instead, state what you like and what makes you happy. You’ll be a lot more approachable than someone who comes across as negative and grumpy.
4. Post your photo. Profiles with pictures generate a lot more responses than those without. Just make sure that your face is clearly visible and that it’s fairly recent. While you may have been an adorable baby, it doesn’t exactly let someone know what you look like now.
5. Read potential partners profiles carefully. If someone says they’re looking for a “discrete relationship”, “intimate fun” or something along those lines, that usually means they’re attached or just looking for a quick piece of ass. If you’re ok with being someone’s dirty little secret or booty call, then go for it. If not, then look elsewhere.
6. Be smart. Don’t give out your personal information. If someone persists, block them. You don’t are under no obligation to reveal that information or to open yourself up to the possibility that the other person is a creep.
7. Create an email and/or Instant Message account on Yahoo, MSN or AOL. Use this account to correspond with people you meet through the personals. Once you’ve exchanged messages with someone a few times on the site, you should have a fairly good sense of whether or not you’d like to continue corresponding off-site. Match the email/IM account to your personals screen name if you’re able. This keeps your personal information private. They’re also free.
8. Don’t give out your phone number. If you’re chatting with someone via IM or email and you both decide that you’d like to speak on the phone, ask him for his phone number. This way, you can call him and block your phone number from showing up on Caller ID (check your phone book for instructions). There are sites on the internet that allow people to do a reverse phone lookup which reveals your full name and address. All someone has to do is enter your phone number, hit enter and Voila! They now know where you live. Reverse phone lookup usually only works with phone numbers that are listed in directory assistance. A nice guy will understand that you want to protect yourself. If he’s not willing to give you his phone number, then politely bid him good riddance.
9. Talk on the phone before meeting in person. Assuming the conditions in the previous step have been met, feel free to talk to your potential sweetie on the phone. You can tell a lot about someone by how they speak. I’ve had many instances where things were great online, but when it came time to talk to them on the phone, it all fell apart. In some cases, it was the guy’s voice that turned me off. In others, it was just a vibe that I got which said to stay away from this person.
10. Be safe. If you finally decide to meet someone in person, do so in a public place. Also, let a friend know where you’re going and who you’re going to meet. If possible, provide them with a photo and contact information of the person you’re meeting. This is a worst case scenario thing, but it’s better to be safe than sorry.
11. Keep it simple. For an initial meeting, coffee or a quick drink is best since it’s only about 30 minutes of your time. Agreeing to dinner for a first meeting can be awkward. There’s nothing worse than realizing that you have no chemistry with the person sitting across from you and then trying to converse with them for an hour or more. If you’ve only committed to coffee or a drink, then you can get out of there and on with your life. On the flip side, if coffee is going well, you can always decide to let coffee segue into dinner.
I know this is a lot to take in, but I hope it’s been helpful. Probably the most important thing to remember is to trust your instincts. Here’s hoping that you find the person that’s perfect for you. Good luck and happy hunting.
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