Dating in Cyberspace
January 23rd 2008 08:56
Like many single women my age (a true lady never reveals her age, but let's just say I've passed the '30' milestone) I decided to give online dating a go...
After saying for years that it 'just wasn't for me' I finally figured the options couldn't be any worse than the random men I'd been meeting in pubs & bars and disheartening set-ups by friends and colleagues with good - but somewhat misguided - intentions.
So off I ventured into dating cyberspace. After some initial trepidation, I threw myself into it wholeheartedly - working out the best "modus operandi" for me pretty quickly. After the inital 'kiss' reciprocation and a few emails back and forth with a prospect we would generally meet for a quick after-work drink to see if there was any "chemistry". If so, we'd meet again - if not, wish each other the best in our search. Simple, enjoyable and actually quite addictive!
Conscious of not wanting to overdo it (I've heard many stories of online dating 'burnout' from overzealous participants) I generally arrange just one date a week which makes me feel I'm being proactive in my love life while sitll allowing me plenty of time to see friends, go to the gym, some early nights, etc.
The nervous feeling always presents itself just before I'm about to meet a prospect but it quickly dissipates once the backwards & forwards banter starts over a glass of vino. Generally, this follows a similar format each time - so, how long have you been dating online? Have you had any interesting experiences? Are you originally from Sydney? Where do you live? Do you enjoy your job /what does it involve? Do you have any holidays in the pipeline? (which would inevitably lead to a tangent of travel stories) yada, yada, yada...
A hour would pass by in a flash. If things were going well we'd generally order another drink, or even grab a bite to eat. If not, it was "'well, I've got a big day tomorrow so had better get going...". Too easy.
So far, true love eludes me but I've certainly met some interesting men and - despite the fact that none have been a 'keeper' to date, they all have a unique and interesting stories to share. It's quite voyeuristic really gaining an insight into all these strangers lives most of which I'll probably never see again.
I tend to blank out the majority of details from their online profiles and our shared conversations pretty soon after I know they are not meant to be but have managed to retain a basic snapshot /some sketchy details. I imagine it's similar to searching for the perfect apartment to buy - so many variables, hard to remember unless you write down as you go in a notebook, but you still retain the general feeling of whether or not it was for you and what the outstanding good /bad features were (I appreciate that human beings are much more complex that the features of a property but on a simplistic level the analogy works for me). My meetings so far have included (names have been changed to preseve confidentiality):
Paul, 45, IT Project Manager, divorced father of two originally from the UK. Passionate about motorcycles. Zero chemistry in person (he was significantly shorter than me and looked much older than his profile pic) despite the fact that we'd had some great emails and telephone conversations prior to meeting. He had said he was a big believer in instant chemistry and that he would not persevere with anything less. I think I beat him to it. Not an option.
Andrew, 42, Environmental Engineer. Wore glasses, kinda nerdy, kinda alternative, kinda cute. Chatted well, nice guy but felt like I was talking to my cousin. He had become a bit of an industry expert of late, giving media interviews on a regular basis. He seemed pretty proud of that. Talked about how he didn’t really relate to his brother who was younger and married with children. Played the guitar and was into going to gigs - lamented the fact that all his mates were married and he didn’t have anyone to go with anymore. We emailed a couple of times after that but nothing eventuated – pleasant but just a little too ‘beige’ overall.
Dave, 37, Website Software Engineer. Sydney born & bred, training to be a life coach which he wanted to become his primary occupation. Just one meeting which was quite intense – we quickly launched into discussing the deeper aspects of life, death, love, the universe. He shared in great depth the story of the girl who had broken his heart, saying he would never get over it and that love was such a risk. He said he wrote off online dating prospects instantly if they had a spelling mistake in their email. Not acceptable in his book, “spell check only takes a few seconds”. He thought it was important to bound out of bed and embrace the day as early as possible. A little too ‘life coach’ for my liking.
Steve, 43, Shipping Project Director, originally from the UK. Quite a chatterbox, funny and we seemed to get on really well. Had two dinner dates but then he sent me an extremely rude email calling me a ‘freeloader’ and saying we had differing standards of etiquette after I failed to respond to his phone message within a specified period of time – despite the fact that told him I’d been away for the weekend and had forgotten to take my mobile (which is when he’d left the message). Goodbye Steve.
Tom, 41, Doctor. Divorced, Sydney born & bred. A compact man. I can’t do compact. By that I mean smaller in overall physique than me. I did read his height (which said he was taller than me), etc but I realised that I needed to err on the side of caution and go even higher with the profiles. He was a nice chap, polite, etc. But then he thought it appropriate to go into great detail about the diminishing sex life in the final stages of his marriage and other such fare. I started to think about how his salt & pepper hair actually resembled a toilet brush. I needed a drink to endure his stories but he didn’t offer so I made my excuses and left.
Sam, 44, Marketing Director. Divorced, father of two, originally from France. Very ‘European’ in delivery – telling me how romantic he is, how if I’d let him he’d “spoil me like a princess” and telling me how he’d love to have a daughter, sooner rather than later… would I like that as well? He painted me a picture of his palatial home, how he was building a cabana out near the pool. He had a vision of his whole extended family being in the kitchen, spilling out to the pool, kids running around, his wife barefoot and pregnant, cooking up a feast to share - every Sunday! The vision was a little muddy for me… The next day he sent me a text saying he just knew we were meant to be and that he wanted to wine and dine me as soon as possible. Sweet and generous but I couldn’t be a part of that picture. Oh, I forgot to mention he was also a ‘compact’ man.
The latest and, so far, greatest:
There’s another one that’s a work in progress but don’t want to jinx it by talking about it just yet. It’s far from perfect and I do have some concerns but there seems to be enough glue to keep us persevering. Early days, but we’ll see!
As they say It's a numbers game...
After saying for years that it 'just wasn't for me' I finally figured the options couldn't be any worse than the random men I'd been meeting in pubs & bars and disheartening set-ups by friends and colleagues with good - but somewhat misguided - intentions.
So off I ventured into dating cyberspace. After some initial trepidation, I threw myself into it wholeheartedly - working out the best "modus operandi" for me pretty quickly. After the inital 'kiss' reciprocation and a few emails back and forth with a prospect we would generally meet for a quick after-work drink to see if there was any "chemistry". If so, we'd meet again - if not, wish each other the best in our search. Simple, enjoyable and actually quite addictive!
Conscious of not wanting to overdo it (I've heard many stories of online dating 'burnout' from overzealous participants) I generally arrange just one date a week which makes me feel I'm being proactive in my love life while sitll allowing me plenty of time to see friends, go to the gym, some early nights, etc.
The nervous feeling always presents itself just before I'm about to meet a prospect but it quickly dissipates once the backwards & forwards banter starts over a glass of vino. Generally, this follows a similar format each time - so, how long have you been dating online? Have you had any interesting experiences? Are you originally from Sydney? Where do you live? Do you enjoy your job /what does it involve? Do you have any holidays in the pipeline? (which would inevitably lead to a tangent of travel stories) yada, yada, yada...
A hour would pass by in a flash. If things were going well we'd generally order another drink, or even grab a bite to eat. If not, it was "'well, I've got a big day tomorrow so had better get going...". Too easy.
So far, true love eludes me but I've certainly met some interesting men and - despite the fact that none have been a 'keeper' to date, they all have a unique and interesting stories to share. It's quite voyeuristic really gaining an insight into all these strangers lives most of which I'll probably never see again.
I tend to blank out the majority of details from their online profiles and our shared conversations pretty soon after I know they are not meant to be but have managed to retain a basic snapshot /some sketchy details. I imagine it's similar to searching for the perfect apartment to buy - so many variables, hard to remember unless you write down as you go in a notebook, but you still retain the general feeling of whether or not it was for you and what the outstanding good /bad features were (I appreciate that human beings are much more complex that the features of a property but on a simplistic level the analogy works for me). My meetings so far have included (names have been changed to preseve confidentiality):
Paul, 45, IT Project Manager, divorced father of two originally from the UK. Passionate about motorcycles. Zero chemistry in person (he was significantly shorter than me and looked much older than his profile pic) despite the fact that we'd had some great emails and telephone conversations prior to meeting. He had said he was a big believer in instant chemistry and that he would not persevere with anything less. I think I beat him to it. Not an option.
Andrew, 42, Environmental Engineer. Wore glasses, kinda nerdy, kinda alternative, kinda cute. Chatted well, nice guy but felt like I was talking to my cousin. He had become a bit of an industry expert of late, giving media interviews on a regular basis. He seemed pretty proud of that. Talked about how he didn’t really relate to his brother who was younger and married with children. Played the guitar and was into going to gigs - lamented the fact that all his mates were married and he didn’t have anyone to go with anymore. We emailed a couple of times after that but nothing eventuated – pleasant but just a little too ‘beige’ overall.
Dave, 37, Website Software Engineer. Sydney born & bred, training to be a life coach which he wanted to become his primary occupation. Just one meeting which was quite intense – we quickly launched into discussing the deeper aspects of life, death, love, the universe. He shared in great depth the story of the girl who had broken his heart, saying he would never get over it and that love was such a risk. He said he wrote off online dating prospects instantly if they had a spelling mistake in their email. Not acceptable in his book, “spell check only takes a few seconds”. He thought it was important to bound out of bed and embrace the day as early as possible. A little too ‘life coach’ for my liking.
Steve, 43, Shipping Project Director, originally from the UK. Quite a chatterbox, funny and we seemed to get on really well. Had two dinner dates but then he sent me an extremely rude email calling me a ‘freeloader’ and saying we had differing standards of etiquette after I failed to respond to his phone message within a specified period of time – despite the fact that told him I’d been away for the weekend and had forgotten to take my mobile (which is when he’d left the message). Goodbye Steve.
Tom, 41, Doctor. Divorced, Sydney born & bred. A compact man. I can’t do compact. By that I mean smaller in overall physique than me. I did read his height (which said he was taller than me), etc but I realised that I needed to err on the side of caution and go even higher with the profiles. He was a nice chap, polite, etc. But then he thought it appropriate to go into great detail about the diminishing sex life in the final stages of his marriage and other such fare. I started to think about how his salt & pepper hair actually resembled a toilet brush. I needed a drink to endure his stories but he didn’t offer so I made my excuses and left.
Sam, 44, Marketing Director. Divorced, father of two, originally from France. Very ‘European’ in delivery – telling me how romantic he is, how if I’d let him he’d “spoil me like a princess” and telling me how he’d love to have a daughter, sooner rather than later… would I like that as well? He painted me a picture of his palatial home, how he was building a cabana out near the pool. He had a vision of his whole extended family being in the kitchen, spilling out to the pool, kids running around, his wife barefoot and pregnant, cooking up a feast to share - every Sunday! The vision was a little muddy for me… The next day he sent me a text saying he just knew we were meant to be and that he wanted to wine and dine me as soon as possible. Sweet and generous but I couldn’t be a part of that picture. Oh, I forgot to mention he was also a ‘compact’ man.
The latest and, so far, greatest:
There’s another one that’s a work in progress but don’t want to jinx it by talking about it just yet. It’s far from perfect and I do have some concerns but there seems to be enough glue to keep us persevering. Early days, but we’ll see!
As they say It's a numbers game...
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Comment by Harry
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Comment by Sara Dobson
My Turn
I tried interent dating for a while didn't work for me I kept attracting commitmentphobes or men with serious issues or worse and I can't confirm this but I was suspicious that some were married or in other relationships. But I know a few people now who succeeded in finding some one and two couples I know actually got married to someone they met online so I think that it can work. I have been told that it is all in the way you write your profile and the picture you post.