Pain
April 18th 2012 04:33
I thought I knew pain. I was its mistress, I loved it and danced with it and I said, now I rule you, now I own you, and that is all there is.
Ive been reading about insomnia, my old friend. Ive always found it funny it never assaults me during the day, quite the opposite in fact. At any time in the day if I settle, I sleep. Its so easy. But the night is full of heat, even when its cold, I burn and I boil, While the sky is dark Im afraid to venture into ether. I take many different kinds of sedative, and they work, but I fear, not as they are supposed to. Better I think, to return to coffee and try to write, as I once did. But those stories lose themselves as I try to write them down, they vanish on the moment I transcribe them, which I find more torturous than anything, as they continue to tease me while I sit awake. If only I could exorcise them, but they seem content to live in me.
My heart has a new shard now, and as always with grief, the parting of an innocent, I cannot heal. Im reminded of all the old scars, still on my battered heart, how ropey it must be now, this little red muscle, criss crossed with scars covering little shards. This new one is so fresh, so sharp, its like no other. I cant move on from it, even though life goes on that shard just keeps cutting, deeper, and all around itself, it carves its place, and I remember a voice and a touch and Im screaming again. A life cut short, so young, a love so pure, now no more, there is nothing, nothing in this world that can heal this. Will I look back in five years and remember you in joy and love? For now, it doesnt seem so. For now all I have left of you is pain and I'll clutch it tight in my sorrow, in my anger, in my guilt, and I'll scream at God because even though I know, the reason was good, until Im ready to understand it, the reason doesnt mean a damn thing.
Not a thing... Its all only pain, and how could I have ever known, or prepared, to lose one who loved like you? Its utterly senseless, even though, in the scheme of things, Im on death's side, I always say, death is only part of the flow of life, but this, this is just pain to me now, its pain in my heart and I cant...
I cant move on from it. I get worse instead of better even though I smile, even though Ive seen you there and touched you there it cant ever be enough. Not enough, not ever, until I can tell you Im sorry...
Oh, please God, if you are there, let that one thing be true, even though I dont believe in it any more....Let me tell him Im sorry, one day, and have him understand. Its all I ask.
Ive been reading about insomnia, my old friend. Ive always found it funny it never assaults me during the day, quite the opposite in fact. At any time in the day if I settle, I sleep. Its so easy. But the night is full of heat, even when its cold, I burn and I boil, While the sky is dark Im afraid to venture into ether. I take many different kinds of sedative, and they work, but I fear, not as they are supposed to. Better I think, to return to coffee and try to write, as I once did. But those stories lose themselves as I try to write them down, they vanish on the moment I transcribe them, which I find more torturous than anything, as they continue to tease me while I sit awake. If only I could exorcise them, but they seem content to live in me.
My heart has a new shard now, and as always with grief, the parting of an innocent, I cannot heal. Im reminded of all the old scars, still on my battered heart, how ropey it must be now, this little red muscle, criss crossed with scars covering little shards. This new one is so fresh, so sharp, its like no other. I cant move on from it, even though life goes on that shard just keeps cutting, deeper, and all around itself, it carves its place, and I remember a voice and a touch and Im screaming again. A life cut short, so young, a love so pure, now no more, there is nothing, nothing in this world that can heal this. Will I look back in five years and remember you in joy and love? For now, it doesnt seem so. For now all I have left of you is pain and I'll clutch it tight in my sorrow, in my anger, in my guilt, and I'll scream at God because even though I know, the reason was good, until Im ready to understand it, the reason doesnt mean a damn thing.
Not a thing... Its all only pain, and how could I have ever known, or prepared, to lose one who loved like you? Its utterly senseless, even though, in the scheme of things, Im on death's side, I always say, death is only part of the flow of life, but this, this is just pain to me now, its pain in my heart and I cant...
I cant move on from it. I get worse instead of better even though I smile, even though Ive seen you there and touched you there it cant ever be enough. Not enough, not ever, until I can tell you Im sorry...
Oh, please God, if you are there, let that one thing be true, even though I dont believe in it any more....Let me tell him Im sorry, one day, and have him understand. Its all I ask.
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