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The federal treasurer, Wayne Swan, has confirmed the worst fears of many commentators when he announced during his budget speech that, so bad was the current economic climate, that the nation could no longer afford to have a treasurer.
"My wage is now beyond the modest reach of the tax income that we can expect from Australian working families", he said. "More to the point, as less and less Australian families are 'working' in the first place, my situation is becoming increasingly untenable, as I can hardly pitch my budget to 'centrelink families', can i?"
Swan continued to say that given the scarcity of funds, the only option was to have a reality TV show where each week, as well as aiming to lose the most kilograms, contestants would also compete to manage the national budget in the most fiscally responsible manner.
While details of the constestants identities were a closely guarded secret, celebrity chef Ian Hewitson was rumoured to be amongst the prospective candidates. Past contestants from the show 'ready, steady, cook' were apparently also being sought by Swan for their proven expertise in planning to a budget.
Opposition MP's were generally sceptical of the hair-brained scheme, although Malcolm Turnbull did give it a favourable review in his TV Week column.
"If Mr Swan has correctly summed up the mood of the nation, this show could be a ratings winner", wrote Turnbull. "It would also be interesting to see what Hewitson could cook for the average family with the limited range of ingredients provided, as cooking on a small budget has always been a particular interest of mine"
The budget will continue to be displayed in a glass case alongside the former Tasmanian independant MP, Brian Harradine, for the remainder of the week. Recipe suggestions for the show can be sent by carrier pigeon directly to parliament house in Canberra, as Mr Swan no longer employs anyone to read his emails.
pic: news.com.au
In a stunning development for Australian cricket, Cricket Australia has finally relented to pressure from Michael Clarke and ruled that wives and girlfriends (WAG's) of the players will be allowed to accompany them on the upcoming ashes tour and the preceding training camp.
An overjoyed Clarke could hardly contain his emotions, saying 'it's alright for some of the boys to get a bit on the side if their wife has a face like a robber's dog, but what about those of us who are going around with underwear models, where was the fairness for us?'
Not everyone was so overjoyed at the decision, however. A former Australian cricketer, who did not want to be named for fear of remembering who he was, said it was a sad day for Australian cricket. "Back in the day", he said as he cried into his 12th pint of beer for the night, " when we were all fat, hariy, obnoxious beer swilling Aussie blokes, you couldn't wait to see the back of your wife and go on tour to knock the back out of some bird you met in the pub. Now these Sensitive New Age Wanker (SNAW) types are bringing the game I love into disrepute. What will be next, will we let women in the dressing rooms?"
SportsandAll left the former player to continue bringing himself into disrepute and sought out views from other former luminaries of the game, such as former England Captain, Tony Greig.
"Ah yes, I remember one back in '72 in Perth with a crack as wide as..." He began, when asked about women on tour.
"No, no, Tony", SportsandAll interrupted. "We're asking you about women coming on tour with the team, not about the state of the cracks on the pitch, or how much grass there was left on the 5th day"
"Yes, as a matter of fact, it did strike me how smooth it was, devoid of any covering, though I dare say by the 5th day some would have grown back, unfortunately the Test only lasted 3 days, so we flew out earlier than i anticipated. Left one of my best sweaters there, too!"
Obviously unable to see eye to eye with Greig, and puzzled by his curious obsession with the WACA wicket, not to mention why he needed to take off his sweater when he was inspecting the pitch in the first place, we decided that we would have to let the results speak for themselves.
Hell, even if we lose 5-0 at least there's sure to be some great punch-ups between Katich and Clarke in the dressing room!
Pope Benedict, currently touring Africa with John Farnham for what 'the voice' claims will "definitely" be his last farewell tour, has stirred up controversy once more by insisting that condom usage is the primary factor behind the current global financial crisis.
"This is a true crisis of confidence", his holiness exclaimed in 17 different languages! "If we are to avert a repeat of the great depression of the 1930s, we must stop condom usage in Africa altogether. "The real problem here is that for every condom used, a potential Catholic taxpayer is not born, and this is a great threat to the Catholic tradition of large families."
Federal shadow minister for Catholicism, Tony Abbott, echoed the Pope's call, claiming that if there was not an immediate stop to the usage of condoms in Africa, it could result in a dramatic increase in STI's and unwanted pregnancy across the ccontinent. The only way to curb this disturbing trend, he told the Pope in a boozy late-night confession, was to remove condoms from the picture altogether in the hope people may then abstein from frequenting any place where they may find someone of the opposite sex.
Anarchist historians, however, have pointed out the vital flaw in the Pope's argument, which is that the whole "Jesus thing" would not have happened had it not been for an unexpected pregnancy.
Upon hearing this, the Pope dressed himself up in a giant inflatable condom and refused to take any further questions from the media for fear of impregnating himself.
Tickets for his 'foot in mouth' 'tour of Africa are still available from selected outlets.
In another blow to his continuing efforts to smash David Boon's longstanding Australian Test team drinking records, Andrew Symonds has been left out of the upcoming tour of South Africa, due to his personal problems.
c'mon Roy, does this really look like Brendon McCullum to you?
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US President Barack Obama has finally broken his silence on one of the most pressing issues of our time: Oprah Winfrey's battle to shed her extra weight.
In a revealing late-night phonecall, Obama spoke to Winfrey at length about her problems and then had an equally lengthy conversation with Winfrey's best friend, bitching about Oprah and questioning her inability to "just get over herself
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Well it’s me first day back in me old home town, fresh in from the big smoke. You would have thought maybe they’d put on a bit of a show for the favourite son – I mean, I’m not expectin a red-tape parade or anything – but you would have thought they’d lay out the old welcome mat just a little bit! Instead all I got was a “g’day bigknob!” Yeah ok, so I am hung like a horse, but it’s not as if I go splashin the fact all over town! Except sometimes when I’m pissed…
Anyway, it was good to catch up with some of the boys again. Like Chuckles MacPherson, I hadn’t seen him since we played in the grand final with the under 12’s against West Yippoon. Chuckles was playing forward pocket that day and he marked in the goalsquare in the last quarter when we were down by 2 points. We were bloody rapt, cos we hadn’t beaten them for 10 years! Except he missed, the jack fucker, so I punched him out! Started a bloody grouse all-in, too. Old Jock MacFly reckoned it was the best he’d ever seen in the under 12’s
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While Matthew Hayden's omission from the Australian ODI and T20i teams does not come as a shock to many who follow the game, it certainly is a sad chapter in the relentless efforts of Andrew Hilditch and his selectorial team to rebuild the shattered image of Australian cricket.
While many took the opportunity to reflect on the momentous contribution Hayden has made to Australian cricket, others were not so kind. Former Prime Minister John Howard blamed Hayden personally for Australia's 2005 Ashes defeat and added that Hayden must also bear a good deal of responsibility for America's intelligence failures in the leadup to 9/11 and the subsequent bungled invasion of Iraq. Had Hayden done more to promote cricket in Iraq, Howard was misquoted as saying, it may have been possible to smuggle intelligence operatives in to the country disguised as former international umpires Harold 'dickie' Bird and Steve Randall
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Not content with attempting to resurrect his AFL career, formerly disgraced, but now Jesus-like in resurrection, former West Coast Eagle Ben Cousins has set his sights on a higher goal: captaincy of the Australian test side.
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U.S President elect Barack Obama today confirmed what conspiracy theorists worldwide have been saying for years: The 1969 moon landing never actually happened! Without giving away too many details, Obama nonetheless hinted that Stanley Kubrick was in fact responsible for the footage of the 'landing', with renowned adult film star Dirk Diggler playing the part of Neil Armstrong.
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In a shock move that has surprised many political commentators, Barack Obama has spurned his Democratic stablemate, Hilary Clinton, and instead appointed former Australian cricketer Greg Ritchie as secretary of state. Further, in a groundbreaking move, Ritchie will share the post with his alter-ego, Mahatma Cote
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on Michael Jackson fears nose will fall off
Urban Telegraph
Sports and All
The Squirter McGee Diaries
Interestingly, John Howard also said this after he lost the 2007 election and returned home to find Peter Costello prancing around in jeanette's underthings