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In a shock move that has surprised many political commentators, Barack Obama has spurned his Democratic stablemate, Hilary Clinton, and instead appointed former Australian cricketer Greg Ritchie as secretary of state. Further, in a groundbreaking move, Ritchie will share the post with his alter-ego, Mahatma Cote.
Hilary Clinton could not be contacted for comment in relation to this announcement, however her team did release a pre-recorded video message in which Hilary, with Bill at her side, says "if you are watching this video, I have 'been passed over for the position of Secretary of State". However, far from being gracious in defeat, the video descends into a Clinton diatribe against both Ritchie and Cote, including salacious rumours that the two were sleeping together. Mrs Clinton finishes by labeling the appointment "a stain on the good name of the oval office", at which point Bill mysteriously says "I did not have sexual relations with this woman".
Some of Ritchie's former teammates were tracked down in the pub for comment on his appointment, but after a marathon nine-hour drinking session, our reporter was forced to concede he could not even remember who he was talking to, let alone what they said.
In Cote's home village in the Northern Punjab, reaction was predictably mixed. Mrs Cote remembered her husband as "a nice, caring man, until he left me for that bitch", but neighbours told stories of Cote's generosity. Each Saturday night, all the young orphans and street kids were invited round to his house where he would paint his face white and dress up as an Australian test cricketer. Cote's fake Aussie accent and jokes about philandering Australian males would always leave the kids grinning from ear to ear.
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It is now over one year since the Australian electorate chose to send John Howard packing as a result of his continued failure to break into the Australian Test Cricket team. In his place they elected the Bollywood Heartthrob Kevin ‘07’ Rudd. In this exclusive interview with the PM, Urban Telegraph asks him to reflect on the achievements of his first year in power.
Urban Telegraph: Kevin Rudd, thanks for being here. How is everything at the moment?
Kevin Rudd: Well there’s no doubt that we’re in difficult economic times. Rest assured though, the economy is in good hands. With myself and Wayne Swan at the helm, we will steer this country through these troubled waters.
UT: Well sailing may be one thing, Mr Rudd, but surely there are more important matters deserving your attention, such as the continuing dramas surrounding the Australian Test Cricket team.
KR: Yes, well I can say that they are performing an excellent service for this country under difficult circumstances.
UT: Mr Rudd, in India they did not win a test.
KR: Well, India is a vital trading partner of ours and if we are to emerge relatively unscathed from this current economic turmoil, it will be due to the strength of our relationship with emerging economies such as China and India.
UT: Prime Minister, I wish you would stay on topic here. I’m trying to ask you serious questions about what has been achieved in the past year. Because while we may have beaten New Zealand, it was not altogether a convincing victory, let’s be honest. And as for our selection policy… what do you make of that; do you have confidence in the board?
KR: Yes, I agree that in these uncertain times we must select the best people for the job. Personally, I have complete confidence in Glenn Stevens and the entire board of the reserve bank and feel they are appropriately equipped with the necessary expertise to negotiate this current economic climate.
UT: But Mr Rudd, surely you don’t mean to say that you support this ‘horses for courses’ attitude?
KR: Well, I think it is self-evident that the situation here is different to the situation overseas. You mentioned India before, and it is certainly true that India as an emerging nation will experience the credit crunch in a different manner from Australia, or England, or for that matter the United States.
UT: The United States? Are you serious? Did you see how badly they fared when they actually made it into the World Cup? Let me ask you honestly, Prime Minister, do you know anything about cricket?
KR: “Cricket”? Don’t you mean to say “credit”?
UT: You’re a disgrace to this country.
Fresh from a well-earned break and a spot of fishing, Andrew Symonds - devoid of any emotional scarring following the India tour - has been rushed back into the team for the first test starting today at the Gabba.
While the current selectors were tight-lipped about the reasons behind this move, former selector John Benaud was more forthcoming. "Basically they are looking for him to lead by example as he will be much fresher than the players who've just completed a tough tour of India. The rest of the team will take heart from his actions and that will lift their game to the next level. It's really just a case of 'monkey see, monkey do'"
Symonds himself refused to comment on the furore, or speculate on who would be the unlucky one to miss out on a spot. He also neither confirmed nor denied rumours that he was romantically involved with Jane Goodall.
Cricketing opinion around the nation was divided on the move. "Personally, I would have picked Cameron White", said Victorian captain Cameron White. But when I called up Andrew Hilditch, he teased me and called me 'Cameron Wide' so I knew then that there was a conspiracy against all Victorians attempting to make the test side.
Others were more supportive though. Bindi Irwin sent Symonds a congratulatory email, saying he was her favourite cricketer as every time she watched him play it reminded her of trips with her late father to the jungles of Borneo.
Today we will find out much about the character of Andrew Symonds. We will see whether he has come back stronger after his layoff, or whether he has well and truly gone bananas.
Today as I walked out to the mailbox to see if my subscription to Al-Qaeda had gone through yet, I was quite surprised to find a letter from Ricky Ponting outlining his frustrations at the speculation over his position. Although this has been coming from a number of sources in the media, Ponting felt particularly affronted by the treatment he had received from certain Orble blogs in particular.
his letter reads as follows
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Wanted: Highly motivated and ambitious cricketer, willing to lead from behind, excellent at taking orders (Bourbon and Beefsteak for me, poison for the wife), speaks only when spoken to and happy to toe the lion... sorry, I mean dragon... no, make that BCCI
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"they don't make dentists like they used to"
I have not seen my dentist in some years now. To be honest, I saw him increasingly poorly anyway after I stopped visiting the optometrist... but that's another story. What I mean to say is that I suffer from 'orthodontophobia' - which, for the uninitiated, is the fear of visiting the dentist
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There were chaotic scenes in the birdcage at Flemington yesterday, and it had nothing to do with the horse racing, Snoop Dogg, or even a much-hoped-for Jennifer Hawkins wardrobe Malfunction. It was in fact that erstwhile veteran of Australian TV, Bert Newton who was responsible for the choas
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In the wake of his team's crushing defeat to India in Mohali, Australian coach Tim Nielsen had some simple and straightforward advice for his players as they rest up before the third test: don't panic.
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The normally quiet streets of suburban Kew in leafy inner Melbourne have this week become the latest battlefield in the ongoing war between out-of-control teenagers and the stabilising forces of conservative Australian society. In what can only be described as vandalism of the highest order, and a deliberate provocation of ordinary, law-abiding citizens, these teenage students from the prestigious Xavier College carried out a campaign of violent intimidation as shocked nearby residents looked on in fear.
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Comment by damian
on Cricket: Priming an Audience through Poetry
Urban Telegraph
Sports and All
I think Rudyard Kipling would also write often to the touring English cricket teams and encourage them to stick it up the colonial upstarts.