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"I know nothing...nooothing!"
Pope Benedict largely avoided controversy in this year's easter message, apart from four 'c$%#s', one clitoris and the fact that he was wearing a large set of inflatable breasts.
While the Pope's use of colourful language surprised few seasoned veterans of the Vatican press gallery, it was his bizzarre dress sense that really set tongues wagging. However, it must be noted that the Pope very quickly restored order by calling in his security detail who dragged the guilty culprit away by said tongue. Moreover, Benedict continued to publicly chastise the offender, saying this was no example to set for impressionable young choir boys. Breasts, after all, were the work of the devil, he intoned as he politely declined media requests to turn a little to the left and pout.
Later in the message, his Holiness responded to claims by Kevin Rudd that he was a 'redneck', saying that Kevin Rudd was very good at seeing the speck in someone elses eye, but not as accomplished at finding the illegal log in his own. After moving the audience to tears with this analogy, he waited patiently until they had wiped all woody materials from their eyes before embarking on a passionate defence of the endangered Orang-Utan.
He fondly recounted countless hours spent in the company of Jane Goodall, but stressed that never once did he look at her breasts, sumptuous as they were.
The Holy Father finished his address by putting the postcode in the little squares in the corner and popping it in the postbox, but not after a fight with his cardinals over whether it should be put through the slot or the handle pulled down.
Just as the phoenix rose from the ashes, so too has this blogger attempted self-exculpation (whatever the hell that means, but it sounds impressive) in an attempt to re-enter the blogging fray.
In an attempt to guage public support for this latest move, Urban telegraph spoke to a number of celebrities to get their perspective:
Pope Benedict: "I don't know what self-exculpation means, but if one must do this sort of thing, it's always better to do it by ones self rather than give in to the temptations of the altar boys' change room"
Glenn Stevens: "The speculation about rising interest rates inherent in your line of questioning is quite disturbing. Go stand in the corner and stop blowing house pricing bubbles"
Michael Clarke: 'Look, I don't care if you did shag her mate, just piss off and stop knocking on my door. It's 3 in the bloody morning!"
All in all not the most overwhelmingly enthusiastic response, however perhaps the orble readership will be more generous...
Richie Benaud - 10
In the midst of the Tiger Woods sex scandal, Richie Benaud stuck to his A-game in this test. Adhering to the age-old unwritten commentary team pact that what Tony Greig does after hours in his hotel room is strictly a private matter, Benaud brought some much-needed dignity back to the sports media arena.
Michael Slater - 9
Slats' enthusiasm continues to win the hearts of the punters and he has been very public in offering Tiger Woods a shoulder to cry on in a difficult time. Sources close to the commentary team suggested that he really was just after a few phone numbers, but Slater refused to confirm or deny this, pointing to Craig McDermott as living proof of the fact that ex-cricketers did not generally get mixed up in this sort of thing and led quiet lives out of the spotlight.
Bill Lawry - 8
Lawry's largely bland commentary nonetheless provided the odd moment of Brilliance, such as this exchange with Benaud after correctly identifying some species of bird in the surrounds of the Adelaide oval:
Lawry (on one bird that was prominently displaying its tail feathers) : "That one's just showing off!"
Benaud: "what makes you say that?"
Lawry: "Have a close look, Rich!"
Tony Greig - 5
Greig's pitch report was once again way off the mark: "I predict it'll go right down to the wire" was his pre-match statement. The match was called off 6 overs early, completely destroying Grieg's credibility.
Mark Taylor - 5
Taylor has often been described as having an excellent cricket brain. Somewhere between brain and mouth, things seem to go horribly pear shaped for the former skipper.
Ian Healy - 2
Having been groomed for TV early through a guest appearance on Burke's Backyard, David Gyngell originally had Healy Pencilled into replace the great man, with the show to be renamed "Heals' Backyard" Unfortunately, after media preview screenings of the pilot, this idea had to be ditched once certain unkind journalists began referring to the show as "Heals' Backside". With few options available to them, the Channel 9 bosses at first wanted to put him on 'Farmer Wants a Wife', but eventually settled on the cricket commentary so he could be heard but not seen.
Ian Chappell - 1
The only one of the Chappell Brothers not to be involved in the underarm incident, Ian's lack of imagination remains with him to this day, where he maintains a strictly 'overarm' approach to his commentary, rendering it devoid of any humour, except when the producers forget to turn his mic off during ad breaks and the viewer is treated to a profanity-laden explanation of exactly how he would win the game if he were captain.
One of the terror suspects arrested in pre-dawn raids across Melbourne yesterday has spoken of his regret at trusting vital information about the alleged plot he received from Godwin Grech, the public servant at the centre of the 'utegate' affair.
"I should have known his politics was suspect from the start", the accused said in a faked email which Malcolm Turnbull later read to his kids as a bedtime story. "Godwin assured me that our cause would receive favourable treatment, but it seems the whole thing was as fake as the moon landing
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With Phillip Hughes tweeting loudly as he was pushed out of the nest, it was time for Shane Watson to take up the ugly stick and beat the Poms around the head a little.
"I thought he would fly" said coach Tim Nielsen of Hughes treatment at the hands of the selectors. Hughes responded by twittering the first 160 characters of War and Peace, before retreating to the corner to suck his thumb
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Not content with limiting his leaks to underneath the billiards table at the Bourbon & Beefstake, Ricky Ponting has gone one step further and leaked the makeup of the Australian team for the 3rd Ashes test, starting tomorrow. Ponting also included a short note on each player. Anyway, here is the lineup:
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the most popular man in australia?
The federal treasurer, Wayne Swan, has confirmed the worst fears of many commentators when he announced during his budget speech that, so bad was the current economic climate, that the nation could no longer afford to have a treasurer
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pic: news.com.au
In a stunning development for Australian cricket, Cricket Australia has finally relented to pressure from Michael Clarke and ruled that wives and girlfriends (WAG's) of the players will be allowed to accompany them on the upcoming ashes tour and the preceding training camp
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Pope Benedict, currently touring Africa with John Farnham for what 'the voice' claims will "definitely" be his last farewell tour, has stirred up controversy once more by insisting that condom usage is the primary factor behind the current global financial crisis.
"This is a true crisis of confidence", his holiness exclaimed in 17 different languages! "If we are to avert a repeat of the great depression of the 1930s, we must stop condom usage in Africa altogether. "The real problem here is that for every condom used, a potential Catholic taxpayer is not born, and this is a great threat to the Catholic tradition of large families
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In another blow to his continuing efforts to smash David Boon's longstanding Australian Test team drinking records, Andrew Symonds has been left out of the upcoming tour of South Africa, due to his personal problems.
c'mon Roy, does this really look like Brendon McCullum to you?
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Comment by damian
on New species of human found in death trap
Urban Telegraph
The Squirter McGee Diaries
That's the trouble with society these days, too many people can't tell the difference between antlered animals and the human skeletal structure. Just look at Dick Cheney for example!