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One of the terror suspects arrested in pre-dawn raids across Melbourne yesterday has spoken of his regret at trusting vital information about the alleged plot he received from Godwin Grech, the public servant at the centre of the 'utegate' affair.
"I should have known his politics was suspect from the start", the accused said in a faked email which Malcolm Turnbull later read to his kids as a bedtime story. "Godwin assured me that our cause would receive favourable treatment, but it seems the whole thing was as fake as the moon landing!"
Central to the accused's accusations was Grech's promise to secure a ute to be used in the attack, provided it could be adorned with Liberal Party advertising. Initially he wanted the debt truck, but that was unavailable as it had been sold to Japan to relieve foreign debt, and a deal had not yet been reached to secure it's lease back.
The story did not end there however, as former US President Bill Clinton visited Grech and posed for a series of photos which were later photoshopped to make Grech look like Kim-Jong Il. In return for this, Grech secured a favourable deal on a rental car for Mr Clinton, who didn't like taking his chances in a tough rental car market.
The terror suspect will be sentenced in due course.
Mr Grech has already been sentenced by Mr Turnbull to a 5 year term as Liberal Party scapegoat.
Mr Turnbull was half way through a sentence when he realised he couldn't trust himself to finish it without looking back at the fake email from which it was taken.
With Phillip Hughes tweeting loudly as he was pushed out of the nest, it was time for Shane Watson to take up the ugly stick and beat the Poms around the head a little.
"I thought he would fly" said coach Tim Nielsen of Hughes treatment at the hands of the selectors. Hughes responded by twittering the first 160 characters of War and Peace, before retreating to the corner to suck his thumb.
While Selector Merv Hughes had long been suspicious of Hughes technique both against the short ball and when tackling the famous Lords warm chicken salad, Brad Haddin's exit from the team before a ball had been bowled was somewhat of a surprise. Well, a surprise to Haddin, at least, who never saw it coming until Graham Manou congratulated him on his wicketkeeping performance in the second test with a handshake that broke Haddin's finger.
Manou later denied any involvement, and claimed he had merely offered a wet fish handshake, which Merv Hughes had mistaken for a real fish. Before you knew it, one thing had led to another, and Merv had his chompers firmly around Haddin's digit.
After the rain, and a false alarm from Noah, who rocked up with his ark to take two English cricketers on board only to find that super soppers were more advanced than back in JC's day, the two teams finally got down to hostilities, and Simon Katich was the main aggressor, hitting the ball like it was Michael Clarke. Graeme Swann eventually proved to be his undoing, however Watson and Ponting survived until stumps and will resume again on day 2 looking to stamp the map of Tasmania on the cricketing map.
Not content with limiting his leaks to underneath the billiards table at the Bourbon & Beefstake, Ricky Ponting has gone one step further and leaked the makeup of the Australian team for the 3rd Ashes test, starting tomorrow. Ponting also included a short note on each player. Anyway, here is the lineup:
1:Jamie Cox
A fellow Tasmanian, former opening bat for the Apple Isle and of course, as a selector, perfectly placed to replace the out of form Phillip Hughes with himself. I've always been of the opinion in any case that two heads are better than one.
2: Jason Gillespie
He sure as hell showed he couldn't bowl in England, but on a flat pitch his tight defensive technique could be just what we need to make this the dullest game of cricket possible. In light of the fact that the crowd do need some sort of entertainment however, I've given him license to, upon reaching his century, ride his bat up and down the pitch, before proceeding to insert it in Rudi Koertzen's posterior.
3: Ricky Ponting
Seriously, who else would captain the team? Shane Warne???? HA HA HA, you make me laugh!
4: Michael Hussey
I've tried to get rid of him, but he keeps ringing me up at 4 in the morning, telling me he's only one innings away from the big one. I've kept him in the side for the sake of getting a good night's sleep.
5. Michael Clarke
Kato and Pup refused to play in the same team together, so I was forced into a choice between the two. As i said to Kat, it's not that he's a better player than you, it's just that he brings Lara Bingle along to team dinners and it helps keep the morale up amongst the boys if she shows a bit of skin every now and then.
6. Theo Theophanous
Proved himself capable of getting through even the toughest enquiry. Not even the English seamers could get through his defenses, and his little seam-up wobblers could prove quite penetrating on a flat deck. Still i do have my doubts about his mental strength, and whether he is focused more on the cricket or the interior design of the changerooms. "Do they have red couches in the Ladies room?" I mean what sort of a question is that!
7. Robert Richter QC
About the only person left willing to defend Mitchell Johnson at this point in time
8. Michael Jackson
Even dead and with one glove, he'll do a better job then Brad Haddin
9. Stuart Macgill
Yes, i know he was shocking last time he played a test, but this is for the good of millions of cricket fans who can't stand to see another second of him on sbs!
10.Ben Hilfenhaus
Another Tasmanian, automatic inclusion really. Like all good opening bowlers, he swings both ways which is something that has definitely come into vogue only recently in Tasmania.
11. Phil Tuffnell
Sometimes when he was playing against us for England, his performances were so bad I felt he simply must be a double agent. Unfortunately Mark Waugh was never in on the joke. Anyway, now is the time to find out!
the most popular man in australia?
The federal treasurer, Wayne Swan, has confirmed the worst fears of many commentators when he announced during his budget speech that, so bad was the current economic climate, that the nation could no longer afford to have a treasurer
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pic: news.com.au
In a stunning development for Australian cricket, Cricket Australia has finally relented to pressure from Michael Clarke and ruled that wives and girlfriends (WAG's) of the players will be allowed to accompany them on the upcoming ashes tour and the preceding training camp
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Pope Benedict, currently touring Africa with John Farnham for what 'the voice' claims will "definitely" be his last farewell tour, has stirred up controversy once more by insisting that condom usage is the primary factor behind the current global financial crisis.
"This is a true crisis of confidence", his holiness exclaimed in 17 different languages! "If we are to avert a repeat of the great depression of the 1930s, we must stop condom usage in Africa altogether. "The real problem here is that for every condom used, a potential Catholic taxpayer is not born, and this is a great threat to the Catholic tradition of large families
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In another blow to his continuing efforts to smash David Boon's longstanding Australian Test team drinking records, Andrew Symonds has been left out of the upcoming tour of South Africa, due to his personal problems.
c'mon Roy, does this really look like Brendon McCullum to you?
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US President Barack Obama has finally broken his silence on one of the most pressing issues of our time: Oprah Winfrey's battle to shed her extra weight.
In a revealing late-night phonecall, Obama spoke to Winfrey at length about her problems and then had an equally lengthy conversation with Winfrey's best friend, bitching about Oprah and questioning her inability to "just get over herself
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Well it’s me first day back in me old home town, fresh in from the big smoke. You would have thought maybe they’d put on a bit of a show for the favourite son – I mean, I’m not expectin a red-tape parade or anything – but you would have thought they’d lay out the old welcome mat just a little bit! Instead all I got was a “g’day bigknob!” Yeah ok, so I am hung like a horse, but it’s not as if I go splashin the fact all over town! Except sometimes when I’m pissed…
Anyway, it was good to catch up with some of the boys again. Like Chuckles MacPherson, I hadn’t seen him since we played in the grand final with the under 12’s against West Yippoon. Chuckles was playing forward pocket that day and he marked in the goalsquare in the last quarter when we were down by 2 points. We were bloody rapt, cos we hadn’t beaten them for 10 years! Except he missed, the jack fucker, so I punched him out! Started a bloody grouse all-in, too. Old Jock MacFly reckoned it was the best he’d ever seen in the under 12’s
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While Matthew Hayden's omission from the Australian ODI and T20i teams does not come as a shock to many who follow the game, it certainly is a sad chapter in the relentless efforts of Andrew Hilditch and his selectorial team to rebuild the shattered image of Australian cricket.
While many took the opportunity to reflect on the momentous contribution Hayden has made to Australian cricket, others were not so kind. Former Prime Minister John Howard blamed Hayden personally for Australia's 2005 Ashes defeat and added that Hayden must also bear a good deal of responsibility for America's intelligence failures in the leadup to 9/11 and the subsequent bungled invasion of Iraq. Had Hayden done more to promote cricket in Iraq, Howard was misquoted as saying, it may have been possible to smuggle intelligence operatives in to the country disguised as former international umpires Harold 'dickie' Bird and Steve Randall
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