Cryo Chambers, the next step in commuter mind control?
October 30th 2006 00:58
City Rail have discovered the ultimate way to control a crowd: freeze them into a sound sleep.
Working on the same principle as the cryogenics chamber people are now using to return to life in the future, City Rail are freezing commuters in a bid to limit morning cheerfulness. “People don’t want to be bothered by happy people while travelling to work, so we have devised a way to silence cheery commuters during the busy rush hour periods”, a spokesman for the campaign has said.
City Rail believes that once the commuter is in contact with the icy conditions they are less likely to interact with others. Instead all excess energy is consumed by trying to stave off the urge to rub the eyes, which leads to drowsy brain function and eventually, sleep.
How are they achieving this obligatory mind control you may ask? Well instead of the more conspicuous use of liquid nitrogen, they have employed the expertise of the humble air conditioner. This far more subtle approach to crowd control has led to wide spread sleeping among commuters, and has reduced morning pleasantries by 42%.
There is of course, a group of concerned scientists working on a counter-attack to City Rail’s scheme of misery. They have recently released details of the only known cure to air conditioner poisoning. It involves a quick injection of a stimulant known only as “Espresso” and is currently being trialled at a Gloria Jeans near you.
Working on the same principle as the cryogenics chamber people are now using to return to life in the future, City Rail are freezing commuters in a bid to limit morning cheerfulness. “People don’t want to be bothered by happy people while travelling to work, so we have devised a way to silence cheery commuters during the busy rush hour periods”, a spokesman for the campaign has said.
City Rail believes that once the commuter is in contact with the icy conditions they are less likely to interact with others. Instead all excess energy is consumed by trying to stave off the urge to rub the eyes, which leads to drowsy brain function and eventually, sleep.
How are they achieving this obligatory mind control you may ask? Well instead of the more conspicuous use of liquid nitrogen, they have employed the expertise of the humble air conditioner. This far more subtle approach to crowd control has led to wide spread sleeping among commuters, and has reduced morning pleasantries by 42%.
There is of course, a group of concerned scientists working on a counter-attack to City Rail’s scheme of misery. They have recently released details of the only known cure to air conditioner poisoning. It involves a quick injection of a stimulant known only as “Espresso” and is currently being trialled at a Gloria Jeans near you.
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