the start of it all...
October 18th 2010 05:11
Life as we know it is never as we planned it to be. After 31 years of planning out how things will play out eventually I reailzed it wasnt going to happen. For as long as I can remember, things in my life, and things with my family have been far from the way I planned it. I didnt plan on finding out that my "dad" wasnt my biological dad, I didnt plan on my parents divorcing after roughly 13 years of marriage, I didnt plan on having 3 children, and I certainly didnt plan on getting married in Ohio in a court house. I never wanted to have a bi-polar mother, who abused her medication to the point where I was forced to take care of my brother and sister for a big part of their adolescent lives. It always seemed to come from nowhere with my mother. One day she would be great mood, dinner ready, and the house cleaned. The next day would be way off the charts. My dad (Bob) would get home from work, and the fireworks would begin. He was constantly accused of cheating on her, or accused of being out doing drugs. This cycle caused major confusion for us kids, because of course at the time we had no idea what was going on in our mothers brain. We would later find out that as a young girl, she was molested by her father, and with that being said probably explained a big portion of the chemical imbalance she has struggled with for her entire life. My mother had me at age 19 and of course once my biological dad (Rick) found out he left. Im sure he wasnt ready for the challenge of being a father they were both young, and not ready to give up the party lifestyle to which they were both accustom. I am 1just assuming because I have never heard the truth of it all from either parent. My mother met Bob when I was roughly 15 months old, and from what I have been told, everyone was happy about me being brought into their lives. My grandma Anne, aunt Dana, and uncle Greg. My grandma was most excited because im always told that before I came along all she wanted was a red-headed granddaughter. Well... there I was a red-head, and a girl and while I wasnt biologically related to any of them, you would have never known it. I am not one of those people that can tell you I remember things that happened when I was 5 or younger, but I have a little memory of some of the better times my family had. I dont recall there being any major fights or issues until I was around 10. Thats when I realized the shit was rolling down hill so to speak. I was turning 10 I think it was and thats when my mom and Bob dropped the bomb on me. Bob is not your "real" father. Ok I thought this cant be too bad, it would be like that show "My two dads" it would be great! However, as I said earlier.. things never go as planned. Rick was this large man, very tall, and had a big smile. He took me shopping, bought me my first 10 speed bike. Pink and black just the one I wanted. Man I was in heaven. I spent a couple more weekends with him, and things were going seemingly well. But, then he stopped coming around for a few months. Then I would see him again, and he would buy me whatever it was that I wanted at the time. I got a big barbie head, you know the one you can do her hair, and put make-up on her. One birthday I got a Nintendo. The only kid on my block to get one because of course then $100 was way over priced. And so we played this in and out game for a bit until I realized probably the only reason Rick was coming back into my life was to stop Bob from adopting me and making me his "legal" daughter. I really wish he could have just let that one go, because all Rick did was put me through a world of trauma no little girl should ever have to deal with. I remember one time my mom had promised me a mother daughter day and we were going to go to Cedar Point. Just the two of us. I was so excited I couldnt wait. Well things quickly turned into something completely different. We stopped and met up with Rich along the way and to my shock and dismay he was coming with us! I was beside myself over this, but quickly just decided I would do as I was asked and keep my mouth shut and not breathe a word to Bob. However, somewhere along the way my mom got herself a conscience, and more than halfway there we turned around and ended up dropping Rick off. My mom came up with some excuse to tell Bob as to why we came home, and she decided to take me the next day instead. Whatever the reason she decided to take him, or drop him back off I still dont remember to this day!
There was alot of arguing between my parents. Every time my dad would go hunting there was an accusation of infedelity. I realize that Bob was not perfect, but it seemed as though the very minute he was able to get some free time from us, and work he would take it to indulge in his favorite sport...hunting. This proved to be more problematic as years passed. Sometimes I think he just got to the point where he would say anything she wanted to hear just to get out of the house. But, then she decided that if he was "going out" she was going to go out to. So begins karoake.....I dont know for sure when she discovered it, but I do remember lots of nights that I was not allowed to go stay at a friends house, or attend a party because I was stuck at home babysitting. It always pissed me off that I had to watch them. I was so over being a make-shift mother to my brother and sister while dad was hunting, and mom was getting her drink on! It got to the point where my only escape was seeing Rick once in a while, or acting out. Acting out wasnt getting me far because as far as Bob was concerned he was not going to allow it to happen. He probably wasnt a perfect dad, but then again who is a perfect parent, he was strict and made sure we respected adults, did our homework, did our chores, and did what we were told. My mother likes to remember it as us kids being abused, I look at it as us kids being disciplined to grow up and have respect. I give Bob alot of credit because he was a father to me when he really didnt have to be! Things were getting worse and worse in the house. I recall the breaking point of the whole relationship. My mom and Bob went out for my aunt's birthday, and the story goes something like this.... (from my mom's side.) they were at a restaurant after hours, and my aunt Julie came up to my dad and asked for a birthday kiss, and Bob and my aunt Julie started making out. Now, the story from Bob and my aunt Julie is something like this... same setting, except my aunt jokingly asked Bob for a birthday kiss, and my dad walked up to her pecked her on the cheek, and that was that. Im sorry I gotta go with Bob and aunt Julie on this one. Anyhow, my mom (being herself) called my aunt Julie's husband and said something like this "Do you know where your wife is? Oh you dont, well she is f**king my husband". Therefore causing problems between my aunt Julie and her husband. My mom has always done things like this, and still does to be honest. I recall the fight after all that, when my mom and Bob got home. I had put my sister and brother to bed, and was sleeping as well when all I heard was yelling I ran downstairs to see what was going on. I was told to go back to bed, but of course I stood at the top of the stairs listening. Then, Bob started upstairs because I think he was just over the whole thing, and of course she followed him up. Next thing I remember seeing was my mom just open handed pop him one in the face. I saw blood drip from his mouth and then I just knew this was going to be another knock down drag out type deal. It wasnt as bad as I thought until morning. Thats when it came to the point where they were still bickering, and while she may not have REALLY wanted it, she told Bob to move out. Over the next couple days Bob started taking things out. My mom cried and begged him to stay, and of course I cried, my brother and sister were upset and we didnt want him to go. I remember distinctively my brother saying to me "What are you crying for? He's not your REAL dad anyway!". I believe my response to him was "He is just as much my dad as he is yours!". Regardless of him leaving I knew in my heart that things were never going to get any better. I just knew they were going to keep getting worse!
The divorce was becoming final, and Bob wanted to have visitations with us, I know he did. However my mom told us that he didnt want us and didnt want anything to do with us because if he did he wouldnt have left. Bob even fought to be able to see me. A child not his own, a child he technically had no rights to biologically, but he didnt care he still wanted to see me! So there we were the whole family going through a divorce. It was tough, and my mom felt as though we all needed counseling because of the damage that Bob caused. In reality, I dont feel as though Bob caused any damage I mean of course the divorce itself caused damage, but not specifically Bob. Time went by, and we did the counseling thing, and had our visitaiton with Bob, but of course it wouldnt be that simple. My mom pulled a million different types of stunts I could never imagine doing to my kids. Anything from telling us he was a low life bastard that didnt pay any support and thats why we were poor, to having me push redial on the phone after he had made a call just to see who he called. She actually had us call Bob a few times and tell him he was a bastard and that we hated him for leaving us. Brainwashed children is what I call it now, because we actually did it. Anytime my mom would get upset, we blamed Bob even if it really wasnt his fault. I finally had just about enough, and I eventually just ran away to a friends house. It was only for a night, and by god did I never hear the end of that. Not long after that we ended up moving. I was a teenager by then, and was acting out in any way I thought I could get away with. We moved a few more times after that, and ended up living with one of my moms friends. I didnt really feel welcome there at all. She had a son my brothers age, and a daughter my sisters age and of course her and my mom had each other, and I was pretty much left in the cold. So, I stayed away as much as I was allowed, which didnt turn out to be much considering they needed a babysitter. There I was spending my teenage years babysitting all the time. It would have been one thing if I was earning money, or only having to do it once in awhile, but this was an all the time thing. My mom was basically out screwing someone. Of course I knew what was going on, because I was a pretty damn smart 13 year old. Finally we got our own house in a neighborhood full of people my age! I was beside myself yet again, but in a good way. I lived next door to Alex, a house away from Vinnie, 3 doors down from Mikey, across the street from Kevin, and around the block from Derek. Interesting thing.. yes it was all boys, and yes I was pretty much the only girl but I didnt care, and I dont think they did either. I was just like one of the boys for the most part. We played touch football in the street, drove around in Kevins car, smoked pot together, and just partied and hung out. I started going out with Alex in October of '94 after we went to homecoming. It was Alex, me, and my two best friends Buffy and Mikey. It was so much fun. We went to the dance, and back to my house to drink. My mom promised to stay gone all night so we could party. I cant even remember how many bottles of alcohol we had, or how we got it. I remember it was a clear bottle of Zima that ended up making me a little sick, and I threw up on Alex and Mikey. I composed myself, and there was a situation with Mikey and Buffy that I dealt with later. Alex ended up on my couch, and as I knelt down beside him to ask if he was ok we ended up kissing. So there started a long relationship full of complications, tribulations, turmoil, and a son! We dated for over a year before we finally decided to have sex. And for the first part of our relationship thats all it was lots of sex. Right at the end of '95 we found out I was pregnant. Man did we both crap bricks. We contemplated adoption, abortion, and then thought about actually having him and just giving it the best shot we could. It was the most scary time of my life. I continued to go to school, and didnt have Joel until the summer just before my senoir year was to start. Joel Alexander was born at 4:57 pm weighing in at 6lbs 12oz. and 19 in long via c-section. He was absolutely precious, and I was in love! Our parents helped as much as we could have expected, even my mom. We still got to hang out with our friends, and Alex and I both got jobs. School was starting, and the drama was far from over. Alex and I started growing apart fast, and it was getting hectic because I no longer had a sitter while I went to school. I sacrificed, and tried to go to an alternitive school. That failed miserably because Joel got really sick, and we ended up staying at a childrens hospital for over a week, and since I missed all that school, Joel and I were kicked out of the daycare program. Then I got another job one I thought was going to be a bit more permanent, and could provide benefits for me and Joel. Alex worked at his uncles restaurant, so of course there were no benefits there. I started working at the auction in '98 and started trying to build a career, and finish school, but of course I was still young so im not going to lie, I was spending time with my son, and any spare time we had we all got together to party. Joel was growing up so fast, and in this perfect life I created in my head he was going to be the only kid I ever had.
There was alot of arguing between my parents. Every time my dad would go hunting there was an accusation of infedelity. I realize that Bob was not perfect, but it seemed as though the very minute he was able to get some free time from us, and work he would take it to indulge in his favorite sport...hunting. This proved to be more problematic as years passed. Sometimes I think he just got to the point where he would say anything she wanted to hear just to get out of the house. But, then she decided that if he was "going out" she was going to go out to. So begins karoake.....I dont know for sure when she discovered it, but I do remember lots of nights that I was not allowed to go stay at a friends house, or attend a party because I was stuck at home babysitting. It always pissed me off that I had to watch them. I was so over being a make-shift mother to my brother and sister while dad was hunting, and mom was getting her drink on! It got to the point where my only escape was seeing Rick once in a while, or acting out. Acting out wasnt getting me far because as far as Bob was concerned he was not going to allow it to happen. He probably wasnt a perfect dad, but then again who is a perfect parent, he was strict and made sure we respected adults, did our homework, did our chores, and did what we were told. My mother likes to remember it as us kids being abused, I look at it as us kids being disciplined to grow up and have respect. I give Bob alot of credit because he was a father to me when he really didnt have to be! Things were getting worse and worse in the house. I recall the breaking point of the whole relationship. My mom and Bob went out for my aunt's birthday, and the story goes something like this.... (from my mom's side.) they were at a restaurant after hours, and my aunt Julie came up to my dad and asked for a birthday kiss, and Bob and my aunt Julie started making out. Now, the story from Bob and my aunt Julie is something like this... same setting, except my aunt jokingly asked Bob for a birthday kiss, and my dad walked up to her pecked her on the cheek, and that was that. Im sorry I gotta go with Bob and aunt Julie on this one. Anyhow, my mom (being herself) called my aunt Julie's husband and said something like this "Do you know where your wife is? Oh you dont, well she is f**king my husband". Therefore causing problems between my aunt Julie and her husband. My mom has always done things like this, and still does to be honest. I recall the fight after all that, when my mom and Bob got home. I had put my sister and brother to bed, and was sleeping as well when all I heard was yelling I ran downstairs to see what was going on. I was told to go back to bed, but of course I stood at the top of the stairs listening. Then, Bob started upstairs because I think he was just over the whole thing, and of course she followed him up. Next thing I remember seeing was my mom just open handed pop him one in the face. I saw blood drip from his mouth and then I just knew this was going to be another knock down drag out type deal. It wasnt as bad as I thought until morning. Thats when it came to the point where they were still bickering, and while she may not have REALLY wanted it, she told Bob to move out. Over the next couple days Bob started taking things out. My mom cried and begged him to stay, and of course I cried, my brother and sister were upset and we didnt want him to go. I remember distinctively my brother saying to me "What are you crying for? He's not your REAL dad anyway!". I believe my response to him was "He is just as much my dad as he is yours!". Regardless of him leaving I knew in my heart that things were never going to get any better. I just knew they were going to keep getting worse!
The divorce was becoming final, and Bob wanted to have visitations with us, I know he did. However my mom told us that he didnt want us and didnt want anything to do with us because if he did he wouldnt have left. Bob even fought to be able to see me. A child not his own, a child he technically had no rights to biologically, but he didnt care he still wanted to see me! So there we were the whole family going through a divorce. It was tough, and my mom felt as though we all needed counseling because of the damage that Bob caused. In reality, I dont feel as though Bob caused any damage I mean of course the divorce itself caused damage, but not specifically Bob. Time went by, and we did the counseling thing, and had our visitaiton with Bob, but of course it wouldnt be that simple. My mom pulled a million different types of stunts I could never imagine doing to my kids. Anything from telling us he was a low life bastard that didnt pay any support and thats why we were poor, to having me push redial on the phone after he had made a call just to see who he called. She actually had us call Bob a few times and tell him he was a bastard and that we hated him for leaving us. Brainwashed children is what I call it now, because we actually did it. Anytime my mom would get upset, we blamed Bob even if it really wasnt his fault. I finally had just about enough, and I eventually just ran away to a friends house. It was only for a night, and by god did I never hear the end of that. Not long after that we ended up moving. I was a teenager by then, and was acting out in any way I thought I could get away with. We moved a few more times after that, and ended up living with one of my moms friends. I didnt really feel welcome there at all. She had a son my brothers age, and a daughter my sisters age and of course her and my mom had each other, and I was pretty much left in the cold. So, I stayed away as much as I was allowed, which didnt turn out to be much considering they needed a babysitter. There I was spending my teenage years babysitting all the time. It would have been one thing if I was earning money, or only having to do it once in awhile, but this was an all the time thing. My mom was basically out screwing someone. Of course I knew what was going on, because I was a pretty damn smart 13 year old. Finally we got our own house in a neighborhood full of people my age! I was beside myself yet again, but in a good way. I lived next door to Alex, a house away from Vinnie, 3 doors down from Mikey, across the street from Kevin, and around the block from Derek. Interesting thing.. yes it was all boys, and yes I was pretty much the only girl but I didnt care, and I dont think they did either. I was just like one of the boys for the most part. We played touch football in the street, drove around in Kevins car, smoked pot together, and just partied and hung out. I started going out with Alex in October of '94 after we went to homecoming. It was Alex, me, and my two best friends Buffy and Mikey. It was so much fun. We went to the dance, and back to my house to drink. My mom promised to stay gone all night so we could party. I cant even remember how many bottles of alcohol we had, or how we got it. I remember it was a clear bottle of Zima that ended up making me a little sick, and I threw up on Alex and Mikey. I composed myself, and there was a situation with Mikey and Buffy that I dealt with later. Alex ended up on my couch, and as I knelt down beside him to ask if he was ok we ended up kissing. So there started a long relationship full of complications, tribulations, turmoil, and a son! We dated for over a year before we finally decided to have sex. And for the first part of our relationship thats all it was lots of sex. Right at the end of '95 we found out I was pregnant. Man did we both crap bricks. We contemplated adoption, abortion, and then thought about actually having him and just giving it the best shot we could. It was the most scary time of my life. I continued to go to school, and didnt have Joel until the summer just before my senoir year was to start. Joel Alexander was born at 4:57 pm weighing in at 6lbs 12oz. and 19 in long via c-section. He was absolutely precious, and I was in love! Our parents helped as much as we could have expected, even my mom. We still got to hang out with our friends, and Alex and I both got jobs. School was starting, and the drama was far from over. Alex and I started growing apart fast, and it was getting hectic because I no longer had a sitter while I went to school. I sacrificed, and tried to go to an alternitive school. That failed miserably because Joel got really sick, and we ended up staying at a childrens hospital for over a week, and since I missed all that school, Joel and I were kicked out of the daycare program. Then I got another job one I thought was going to be a bit more permanent, and could provide benefits for me and Joel. Alex worked at his uncles restaurant, so of course there were no benefits there. I started working at the auction in '98 and started trying to build a career, and finish school, but of course I was still young so im not going to lie, I was spending time with my son, and any spare time we had we all got together to party. Joel was growing up so fast, and in this perfect life I created in my head he was going to be the only kid I ever had.
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