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This Day in History
1679 - Europeans first visit Minnesota and see headwaters of Mississippi - led by Daniel Greysolon de Du Luth.
1776 - The Continental Congress adopts a resolution severing ties with Great Britain, though a public Declaration of Independence is not formally printed for the masses until July 4
1776 - John Hancock signs Declaration of Independence
1777 - Vermont becomes the first American state to abolish slavery.
1853 - The Russian Army invades Turkey, beginning the Crimean War.
1863 - American Civil War: Second day of the Battle of Gettysburg.
1881 - Charles J. Guiteau shoots and fatally wounds U.S. President James Garfield, who eventually dies from infection on September 19.
1890 - The U.S. Congress passes the Sherman Anti-Trust Act, an action to limit monopolies.
1900 - First zeppelin flight on Lake Constance near Friedrichshafen, Germany.
1926 - The U.S. Congress established the Army Air Corps.
1937 - Amelia Earhart and navigator Fred Noonan disappear over the Pacific Ocean.
1939 - At Mount Rushmore, Theodore Roosevelt's face was dedicated.
1943 - Lt Charles Hall, becomes 1st black pilot to shoot down Nazi plane
1944 - American bombers, as part of Operation Gardening, dropped land mines, leaflets and bombs on German-occupied Budapest.
1947 - A UFO crashed near Roswell, NM. The Air Force insisted it was a weather balloon.
1955 - "Lawrence Welk Show" premiers on ABC
1956 - Elvis Presley records "Hound Dog" & "Don't Be Cruel"
1957 - 1st sub powered by liquid metal cooled reactor completed-The Seawolf
1957 - 1st submarine designed to fire guided missiles launched, Grayback
1962 - The first Wal-Mart store opens for business in Rogers, Arkansas.
1964 - U.S. President Johnson signed the "Civil Rights Act of 1964" into law.
1976 - North and South Vietnam, divided since 1954, reunite.
1976 - The U.S. Supreme Court ruled the death penalty was not inherently cruel or unusual.
1979 - The first U.S. coin to honor a woman, the Susan B. Anthony dollar, is introduced.
1980 - U.S. President Jimmy Carter reinstated draft registration for males 18 years of age.
1982 - Larry Walters uses 45 helium balloons and a lawnchair to propel himself to 16,000 ft.
1985 - General Motors announced that it was installing electronic road maps as an option in some of its higher-priced cars.
1990 - A stampede inside a pedestrian tunnel leads to the deaths of 1,426 pilgrims in Mecca.
1996 - US federal officials announced the arrest of 12 members of a militia unit, called Viper Militia, that had planned to bomb government offices in the Phoenix area.
1998 - Cable News Network (CNN) retracted a story that alleged that U.S. commandos had used nerve gas to kill American defectors during the Vietnam War.
2002 - Steve Fossett becomes the first person to fly solo around the world nonstop in a balloon.
2003 - International Olympic Committee selects Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada to host the 2010 Winter Olympics.
Famous Birthdays
1916 - Ken Curtis Lamar Colo, actor (Ripcord, Festus-Gunsmoke)
1937 - Richard Petty auto race driver (Daytona 500-1979,81, 200 Nascar wins)
1947 - Luci Baines Johnson Nugent Turpin daughter of Pres LBJ
1956 - Jerry Hall Mesquite Tx, model/Mrs Mick Jagger
1964 - José Canseco, Cuban baseball player(Boston Red Sox, Yankees, White Sox)
1986 - Lindsay Lohan, actress/singer(Mean girls, Herbie:Fully Loaded,The Parent Trap)
Famous Deaths
1566 - Nostradamus French astrologer/physician/prophet, dies in Salon, France
1961 - Ernest Hemingway shot himself to death in Ketchum Idaho(Born 1899)
1964 - Glenn "Fireball" Roberts biggest NASCAR money winner, dies in crash(B. 1929)
1969 - Brian Jones founder of the Rolling Stones, drowns
1973 - Betty Grable, singer/actress, Pin Up Girl, How to Marry a Millionaire(b. 1916)
1997 - Jimmy Stewart, actor, It's a Wonderful Life, Mr. Smith goes to Wash.(b. 1908)
Joke of the Day
Alphabet
Little Johnny asks the teacher, "Teacher, can I go to the bathroom?"
The teacher says, "Yes, but only after you recite the alphabet Johnny."
Little Johnny says, "Fine" and quickly babbles out: a "ABCDEFGHIJKLMNO_QRSTUVWXYZ!"
The teacher asks, "Where is the P?"
Johnny replies, "Running down my leg. Please let me go to the bathroom!"
The bum on a street
A bum asks a man for $2. The man asked, "Will you buy booze?"
The bum said, "No."
The man asked, "Will you gamble it away?"
The bum said, "No."
Then the man asked, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"
World Records
Most Concrete blocks broke
Three times Tae Kwon Do world champion, Ali Bahçetepe chopped his way into the record book by breaking through 120 concrete blocks in just 24.28 seconds beating the previous record of 90 blocks in 16 seconds.
Most Slices of Meat Cut in One Hour
Diego Hernández, Professional Master Slicer, achieved the astonishing amount of 1,660 slices in 60 minutes, with a total weight of 7,070 kg (15,586 lb).
Tip Top Shape
A 60-year-old man went to a doctor for a check-up. The doctor told him, "You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever; you have the body of a 35-year-old. By the way, how old was your father when he died?"
The 60-year-old responded, "Did I say he was dead?"
The doctor was surprised and asked, "How old is he and is he very active?"
The 60-year-old responded, "Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the summer."
The doctor couldn't believe it. So, he asked, "Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?"
The 60-year-old responded again, "Did I say he was dead?"
The doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me you are 60 years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?"
The 60-year-old said, "He goes skiing at least once a season and surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that," said the patient, "my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he is getting married again."
The doctor said, "At 106-years, why on earth would your grandfather want to get married?"
His patient looked up at the doctor and said, "Did I say he wanted to?"
Using a new painting program on my computer, I managed to come up with a very credible still life of fruit. I made a color printout and sent it to my daughter, a graphic designer. She called when it arrived. "Isn't it good?" I asked.
She chuckled, and in a tone that echoed mine from years ago, replied, "Mom, it's beautiful. We put it on the refrigerator."
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A lot of people wonder how you know if you're really in love. Just ask yourself this one question: "Would I mind being destroyed financially by this person?"
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A man was on his way home with a new car, which was absorbing all his attention, when it struck him that he had forgotten something. Twice he stopped, counted his parcels, searched his pockets, but finally decided he had everything with him. Yet the feeling persisted.
When he reached home his daughter ran out, stopped short, and cried, "Daddy, where's Mommy?"
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The fragrance department of a major New York City store where I shop is always pushing the latest scents. Attractive models move about the floor offering to spray customers with the newest bouquet.
One day, outside the store's restaurant, a model sprayed two women who had just finished their lunch. When one woman commented that the perfume was too strong, the model replied, "The fragrance will be softer once it dries and the alcohol wears off."
"See!" her friend chided. "I told you not to have that second drink."
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I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
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I bought a great new toilet seat recently. On the label was a suggestion on how to clean it. Although nice to have the option, I doubt I'll take advantage of it. My toilet seat, it seems, is "Dishwasher Safe."
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A prospective juror in a Dallas District Court was surprised by the definition of voluntary manslaughter given the panel: "An intentional killing that occurs while the defendant is under the immediate influence of sudden passion arising from an adequate cause, such as when a spouse's mate is found in a 'compromising position.'"
"See, I have a problem with that passion business," responded the jury candidate. "During my first marriage, I came in and found my husband in bed with my neighbor. All I did was divorce him. I had no idea that I could have shot him." She wasn't selected for the jury.
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While watching a movie recently, I couldn't hear the dialogue over the chatter of the two women sitting in front of me.
Unable to bear it any longer, I tapped one of them on the shoulder. "Excuse me," I said, "I can't hear."
"I should hope not," she replied sharply. "This is a private conversation."
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A few years ago we were desperately trying to sell our house, which was situated on a busy thoroughfare. Our real estate agent decided to have open-house inspection nearly every day to promote the sale. We instructed the children not to talk to anyone about the house.
One evening a man took our seven-year-old daughter aside and asked if our house had any secrets he should know. Her first reaction was to smile and ignore his question. But he became more persistent and, finally, she confessed there was one secret but she could not tell it to him.
"Now we're getting somewhere," he said. "Tell me the secret. I promise I won't tell anyone."
She looked him straight in the eye and whispered, "We have monsters in our sewer."
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My mom has a lead foot, so I was not surprised when a state trooper pulled us over as we were driving through Georgia. Hoping to get off with a warning, Mom tried to appear shocked when he walked up to the car.
"I have never been stopped like this before," she said to the officer.
"What do they usually do, ma'am," he asked, "shoot the tires out?"
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The 1st Affair
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at
8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" his wife demanded. "I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."
She looked down at his shoes and said: "You lying bastard! You've been
playing golf!"
The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful
daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"
The wife smiled sweetly and replied: "Not this time!"
The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr.
Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity." So, he removed it,stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home
"I have something to show you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
"My God!" the wife exclaimed, Schwartz is dead!"
The 4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't
move until I tell you," she said," pretend you're a statue."
"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue," she replied," the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us too. No more
was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. "Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."
The 5th Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly: I have something I must
confess."
"There's no need to, "his wife replied. "No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept
with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know," she replied, "now just rest and let the poison work."
Broken
On a visit to Boston, I noticed a parking meter with a paper sack over it upon which was written: "Broken." A skeptical parking officer removed the bag, inserted a quarter in the meter and turned the dial. It worked perfectly. As the officer began to write a parking ticket, the car's owner rushed out of a nearby building. "What are you doing?" he yelled after a quick glance at the meter, "There's plenty of time left!"
Caterpillers
What does a caterpillar do on New Years Day?---------Turns over a new leaf!
What is the definition of a caterpillar?-----------A worm in a fur coat!
What has stripes and pulls a tractor?-----------A caterpillar tractor!
What does a cat go to sleep on?------------A caterpillow!
What's green and dangerous?--------------A caterpillar with a machine gun!
What pillar doesn't need holding up?------A caterpillar!
How do you make milk shake? ---------------------------Give it a good scare!
What lies at the bottom of the sea and shivers?----------------A nervous wreck!
What soldiers smell of salt and pepper?-------------------Seasoned troopers!
Breaking In
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. "You'll get your chance in court," said the Desk Sergeant. "No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"
Red and Blue Lights
Judi was sitting at the defendant table while the state trooper was being cross-examined on the witness stand. The lawyer asked, "When you stopped Judi, were your red and blue lights flashing?" "Yes, sir, they were." "Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?" "Yes, sir, she did." "And," looking at Judi, "what was it she said?" "She said, 'What disco am I at?'"
1819 - Alabama admitted to the Union as the 22nd state
1903 - The Wright Brothers make their first attempt to fly with the Wright Flyer at Kitty
Hawk, North Carolina. It crashes, and 3 days later, after repairs, they get it to fly.
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