Constant Struggle
July 4th 2009 11:16
I'm unsure of how to introduce myself. I guess though, there is no point as I will be remaining anonymous!
It wont stop, I cant stop and deep down I don't want to. It is emotionally draining and exhausting.. it consumes every moment of my life. I can't give it up, I think even given the chance to erase it from my mind completely, I wouldn't.
It's a burden I somewhat enjoy but resent more than anything. It's sad when I know deep down I never want it to end, though it has almost killed me once. I feel ashamed.. or do I really? Possibly not. But I should. But nothing beats the euphoric feeling of the slightest moment of happiness when I achieve a new goal.
I am never content, I can never sit still, I am never relaxed and I never feel any good, physically. It never loosens its grip upon me. It is eternally fixed upon me.
The thoughts creeping in are like being freezing cold frozen solid trying to catch a single breath, I can't touch anything I sit in a certain way, stand in a certain way hold my body to a certain angle and dress in certain cuts. I'm trying to blink it feels like the most impossible task as eyes flicker and feel pinned wide open.. nothing but a complete feeling of dread envelopes me as I look at the 'thing' in the mirror. Another day of self hate, obsession and paranoia ahead.. here we go again.
I'm trapped in this, I wish I could see my self from the outside in and try get a sight of this so called skinny beautiful girl I'm told is wearing the skin I am in.
It wont stop, I cant stop and deep down I don't want to. It is emotionally draining and exhausting.. it consumes every moment of my life. I can't give it up, I think even given the chance to erase it from my mind completely, I wouldn't.
It's a burden I somewhat enjoy but resent more than anything. It's sad when I know deep down I never want it to end, though it has almost killed me once. I feel ashamed.. or do I really? Possibly not. But I should. But nothing beats the euphoric feeling of the slightest moment of happiness when I achieve a new goal.
I am never content, I can never sit still, I am never relaxed and I never feel any good, physically. It never loosens its grip upon me. It is eternally fixed upon me.
The thoughts creeping in are like being freezing cold frozen solid trying to catch a single breath, I can't touch anything I sit in a certain way, stand in a certain way hold my body to a certain angle and dress in certain cuts. I'm trying to blink it feels like the most impossible task as eyes flicker and feel pinned wide open.. nothing but a complete feeling of dread envelopes me as I look at the 'thing' in the mirror. Another day of self hate, obsession and paranoia ahead.. here we go again.
I'm trapped in this, I wish I could see my self from the outside in and try get a sight of this so called skinny beautiful girl I'm told is wearing the skin I am in.
| 22 |
| Vote |
Subscribe to this blog
Comment by Elisabeth Fraser
Paper Cover
I think you'll do fine when you settle and find a focus from which to write.
You sound exciting, hyperactive and confused. I've been that in my time, and so have most people.
We're individuals, we exhibit strange traits, we're lovable and we're hate-able. Above all, you and I - and them, down the road make - Us!
Stand up for what you believe in, but use an identity. There's nothing worse than being a nobody - anonymous. You'd feel invisible and small. I don't think you'd like that.
I think you want to be heard. Just do it with style and balance.
Lis.