Constant Battles
aren`t you supposed to love me
for who I am?
then why can`t you?
and why can`t I do the same?
why does our relationship always
have to be such a struggle?
I hate myself for feeling
this way
but there is no balm
to sooth the throb
or plugs to keep the
grating sound of your
voice from disturbing my ears
I seem to climb a mountain of ice
without any crampons
without any ropes
without any maps or compass to guide me
but as soon as I reach you
I slide down ravines,
get covered in your
avalanche of icy words
why do you try to make me feel small
and insignificant
by comparing me to everyone else
yet your words have always been
‘but you are not everyone else’
why is everything always such a contradiction
and always about you…never about me?
when is it my turn to be right?
can one single person always get it
so wrong?
please just give me the band aid
that will heal the wound
give me the cure that will
kill the disease
set the bones so that they will break
no more
just be my friend
let me talk without hesitation
let me be
...me...
...myself...
...I...
stop putting question marks behind
every step I take
instead a few petals would be nice
will this constant clinking of swords
ever stop drawing blood?
I realised the energy you draw from me
you are supposed to be my support
can now we not just share it?
I feel like the traitor
getting ready to put my head
in the guillotine
but did you not have a hand
in my being here?
or is this all again
'my own doing?'
for who I am?
then why can`t you?
and why can`t I do the same?
why does our relationship always
have to be such a struggle?
I hate myself for feeling
this way
but there is no balm
or plugs to keep the
grating sound of your
voice from disturbing my ears
I seem to climb a mountain of ice
without any crampons
without any ropes
without any maps or compass to guide me
but as soon as I reach you
I slide down ravines,
get covered in your
avalanche of icy words
why do you try to make me feel small
and insignificant
by comparing me to everyone else
yet your words have always been
‘but you are not everyone else’
why is everything always such a contradiction
and always about you…never about me?
when is it my turn to be right?
can one single person always get it
so wrong?
please just give me the band aid
that will heal the wound
give me the cure that will
kill the disease
set the bones so that they will break
no more
just be my friend
let me talk without hesitation
let me be
...me...
...myself...
...I...
stop putting question marks behind
every step I take
instead a few petals would be nice
will this constant clinking of swords
ever stop drawing blood?
you are supposed to be my support
can now we not just share it?
I feel like the traitor
getting ready to put my head
in the guillotine
but did you not have a hand
in my being here?
or is this all again
'my own doing?'
Photography Tips
MS Paint Art
katyzzz
Kalikapsychosis
I confronted her on her negativity this morning - how long do you think she will think about it?
Thanks for sharing my soul sweet girl. Ive been lonely.
These sorts of the things are hard. Especially if you have any feelings (like love, hate, anger, sadness) toward the person. It just puts a whole lot of strain on the relationship.
My thoughts are with you. Best of luck. It was a very heartfelt piece of work. My deepest admiration.
- Anthony
Mum's Word
You already know the answers to your questions. It's just a matter of finding the strength - you have it, now use it.
Love & stuff
Mrs M
From The Home Front
Enviro Warrior
Dream Herald
Esoteric Bookshop
Mrs M is right in what she says : you already know the answers... this sounds like a terrible struggle.
every step I take
instead a few petals would be nice
will this constant clinking of swords
ever stop drawing blood?
Sounds so much like my mother used to, too...
This is a lovely poem Ash, and I hope it helps you sort the problem by acting as the cathartic balm you need to plough through the icy mantle...
It ain't easy, bashing your head against some mad buggers wall...
*hugs and much warmth*
Lilla ...
Rugby World Cup 2007
it [your] turn to be right
Ash hon...ice melts.
(although I have not had to ever feel this...this pain...I have never had this kind of emotional leech upon my soul...reading this...it hurts...it really hurts...)
...hugs....much warmth...
Dusk
You know I'm a fan of raw expression, and you've done it well in this poem.
I've found that I find the most acceptance when I stop concerning myself with whether or not I'm accepted. My motto for the week, inspired by David by accident, is "I am what I am, and what will be will be."
In Support,
W
Australian Traveller
Flashes of memories
Ah if life were so simple! These arguments come out of nowhere, even the most innocent conversations can end in frustration and rage.
Thank you for the advice though...I shall remember it.
ash
Australian Traveller
Flashes of memories
I actually read through it again this morning...and I thought my word! I have tried to say this so many times before and this time it sounds exactly how I feel...it must be time to get this one right I guess.
Sorry you have been lonely...we have missed you! Welcome back and congrats once again on the successful weekend...I will be over at your place in a while to read about your moving dramas...had a skim through yesterday but ran out of time to comment.
ash
Australian Traveller
Flashes of memories
First a chuckle at your poem and now warm hugs...ah what is a girl to do?! Thank you muchly appreciated...
I am glad that you have sorted out your relationship,
This is about a relationship with a family member. It just seems like an emotional roller coaster with this one...we have certain issues that we both feel very strongly about and as luck would have it our ideas are completely on the opposite side of the spectrum. Not everyone is supposed to get on in life I guess, it is just one of those things.
Thanks again Anthony
ash
Australian Traveller
Flashes of memories
You are right...deep down I do know the answers and I do know that I have the strength to do it. It is just the overwhelming guilt that I have to get rid of... I really do not like thinking ill of other people, it is not in my nature, I always try to respect others and find a way of compromise to make things better.
At some point though, which would be now, one has to start putting oneself first... important starts with an I doesn`t it? for good reason! Recently I started thinking about how compromise can also lead to compromising myself...and that is the line that I have to learn to draw...when to say no.
Thanks Mrs M... you have led to further reflection on this issue which has been very helpful.
ash
Australian Traveller
Flashes of memories
Yes, just a war zone...one day will be good followed by three days of walking on egg shells...no plan! Yesterday I put the phone down at 7am! I thought my word so early in the morning to start being frustrated, followed by a day of inner rage...no plan!
Yes I am finding that by getting all of this down on paper it is allowing some thought to go into the words instead of the usual torrent where things get said that probably don`t need saying... damn that temper! *lol* my aunt always says her and I have all the sh*tty genes...
it certainly is frustrating banging your head on a brick wall. I sometimes sit there and think...are you joking? can you not hear what you are saying? is there something wrong with my line of thinking? ... but then you see they know that I feel guilty so this I play right into the trao because then I start second guessing myself... probably why I am such an indecisive person...not even I know what I believe!
*hugs back at ya*
ash
Australian Traveller
Flashes of memories
yeah ice does melt.. when it is in the right place...I just wish that it was a little bit of a quicker and less of a messy process!
It is interesting the words that you use because I often wonder about that myself... if all these arguments are not their way of dealing with their own guilt... you know by blaming someone else you don`t have to feel guilty yourself. In a way this has led to me being an emotional crutch and the only way to keep me these is to continue guilting me into always being that.
All I want to do is just reach some mutual ground... but I fear that we may never have that because our views on things are so different.
I think some distance will be good for this...
thanks and hugs back at ya
ash
Australian Traveller
Flashes of memories
I hear you on the acceptance thing. As a general rule I don`t really care what other people think, but when it comes to family and true friends then I do...because I respect them for respecting me.
Having said that I can no longer stand having to justify everything that I do. Simply I am who I am, I may be a royal pain in the *ss at times, I may laugh at inappropriate times or dress in clothes that sometimes don`t suit the occassion...I do not conform to the things that everyone else does, I do not find the same things fulfilling that everyone else does... but that`s the whole thing...I am not everyone else...so this little comparison that gets used so conveniently is going to swing my way for a little while I think...
Thanks for your words and support
ash
Australian Traveller
Flashes of memories