ChrisB

Wollongong, New South Wales, AUSTRALIA


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World Cup Guide

June 7th 2010 01:59
Group A (South Africa, Mexico, Uruguay, France)
The host nation will face stiff competition with some World Cup heavyweights in France and Uruguay, while Mexico looms as a shadowy threat.

The French squad is crammed with talent, and despite lingering doubts over coach Raymond Domenech, they should dominate the pool. In Nicolas Anelka, Thierry Henry and Frank Ribery up front, Les Bleus possess one of the classiest attacks in the competition. France can either stride through to the final in style, or crumble early in a disorganised, divided heap. If they are stable in their opening games, they’ll make the semis.

The remaining three are tough to split. Uruguay coach Oscar Tabarez has assembled a solid, cohesive team and Diego Forlan will lead from the front. Their northern rivals Mexico have a strong backline, but with a relatively young squad and no established strikers, the Mexicans may find themselves playing out draws rather than taking much-needed three point results. South Africa will be spurred on by a fanatical home crowd, but will need to perform above and beyond the ability of their relatively unknown squad.

Result: France to top the group with Mexico prevailing over Uruguay in a final leg classic for second.


Group B (Argentina, Nigeria, South Korea, Greece)
Argentina appear to have an easy draw, but plucky South Korea can surprise and Greece and Nigeria are known giant-slayers.

Cup legend Maradona is back as coach of Argentina, but his flamboyant behaviour and seemingly flippant attitude to selection and tactics has led many to question his credentials in charge. The squad has the talent to go all the way. Lionel Messi is an inspirational midfielder, and like his coach, can single-handedly turn matches. If they can channel Maradona’s magnetic emotional charge positively, expect them to feature in the final. But, they’ll need their coach to rely on advice from more experienced tacticians on staff to ensure the Argentinian technical game runs smoothly.

Then we have an enigmatic bunch. Greece have a strong, experienced backbone in Sotirios Kyrgiakos and Giorgos Karagouris, but lack a visible attacking threat. South Korea will rely heavily on Man United star Park Ji-Sung to spark a repeat of their 2002 heroics. The Koreans are fast and skilled, and can blitz opponents on the counter, but their conversion rate in front of goal is shaky. Nigeria meanwhile, look to be top heavy, spoilt for choice in attack but featuring a loose defence that will likely be exposed by the speedy Koreans and crafty Argentineans.

Result: Argentina to top the group (with an early scare) and South Korea to shade Greece for second.


Group C (England, USA, Algeria, Slovenia)
England arrive with genuine aspirations for success, and won’t face daunting prospects in a rag-tag group.

With a strong-willed new coach, England come to south Africa boasting cohesion, confidence and class. Expectations from home are high for Fabio Capello’s men, but his squad is skilled, experienced and disciplined – the latter being a recent addition to England’s national squad. Wayne Rooney is at the height of his powers and could contend for golden boot, while behind him the likes of Steven Gerrard and Frank Lampard and John Terry form a rock-solid spine. This is the first time is a long time that the lions have genuine designs on the trophy.

Their pool rivals will squabble amongst eachother for a second round birth, but none look likely to advance any further. The USA performed well at the Confederations Cup, and Landon Donovan is a class player, but the Americans play long-ball football – not idea at World Cup level. Algeria are feisty and have a decent attack, but will struggle at the back, and Slovenia are a well-drilled squad who should be able to get results against the unpredictable Algerians and Americans.

Result: England to stroll through with a massive goal tally and Slovenia to advance ahead of the USA.


Group D (Germany, Australia, Ghana, Serbia)
The Germans are confident of going all the way, but are in a group where an upset is always a danger.

Germany boast a proud World Cup record. Twice winners and regular contenders in the latter stages. Germany are team renowned for competition performance, and must be considered a chance to take the crown. Losing midfield stalwart Michael Ballack was a blow, but there is depth in the squad that still features stars such as Bastien Schweinstieger and Miroslav Klose. Anything less than the semis would be a disaster.

Australia will be eager to repeat their 2006 performance and reach the second round, and a full-strength squad should enable that. The Socceroos will pack the midfield, and talisman Tim Cahill is an instinctive livewire. Star Harry Kewell and towering Josh Kennedy can and have put balls in the back of the net, but it is the flanks where Australia will be dangerous, with the reliable and underrated wing-backs Scott Chipperfield and Brett Emerton bringing attacking and defensive credentials. Ghana will suffer in the absence of their nucleus Michael Essien, but Serbia are well-drilled, tactically sound and full of proficient playing talent.

Result: Germany to top the table, but Australia will find themselves locking horns with Serbia in what is sure to be a classic playoff. The Socceroos will scrape through.


Group E (The Netherlands, Japan, Denmark, Cameroon)
The Dutch superstars steamrolled all in their path on the way to South Africa and show no signs of slowing. Japan and Cameroon are desperate to restore some pride, but Denmark are an overachieving unit.

Holland have been on the cusp of World Cup victory since 1974, and this year are arriving with a run of form that yet again places them as a major contender for the crown. The familiar brand of flowing, attacking football was evident all through the qualifiers and the attacking quartet of Dirk Kuyt, Arjen Robben, Robin van Persie and Wesley Sneijder can and will prise open even the stoutest defence. The time may be right for The Oranje to finally lift the crown.

The rest of the group will be a tantalising bout between European, Asian and African playing styles. The Danes will have the inspirational Jon Dahl Tomasson leading a squad bound together by glue, playing a tidy game. Japan is highly skilled and Shinsuke Nakamura is a set piece genius. Cameroon are fast and physical, and will send the ball up to the lethal Samuel Eto’o up front.

Result: Holland will walk it and keep going right to the finals, Denmark’s solidarity and selfless team attitude will deliver them to the second round.


Group F (Italy, New Zealand, Slovakia, Paraguay)
Defending champions Italy have an easy group, facing a World Cup newcomer in Slovakia, a long lost competitor in New Zealand and a team struck by tragedy in Paraguay.

Italy will have many of the victorious 2006 squad in their ranks, but there is a distinct lack of fresh talent. Francesco Totti won’t be in South Africa, and his absence shows up Italy’s lacklustre attack. Their strength will come from the back, with Gianluigi Buffon’s safe hands between the sticks and commanding centre back Fabio Cannavaro captaining the team. Midfield anchor Andrea Pirlo will be relied upon for creativity. Marcello Lippi’s men have an easy draw but may find it tricky to find the net against better-stacked opponents.

Paraguay and Slovakia will be each eyeing off a second round berth. Each were impressive in their continental qualifiers, but will be hard-pressed to expect anything further than a final-16 result. New Zealand are back for the first time since 1982, and have nothing to lose. The All-Whites (an interesting name to bring to South Africa of all places) will look to their experienced skipper Ryan Nelson for inspiration, with many of the players plying their trade in New Zealand’s semi-professional domestic league. A draw will be considered a famous victory for the Kiwis.

Result: Italy will battle their way to the last 16, while Paraguay will edge out Slovakia for the other ticket out of the group stage.


Group G (Brazil, North Korea, Ivory Coast, Portugal)
Brazil are World Cup royalty, but some of the world’s biggest talents lurk within Portugal and Ivory Coast, while North Korea are an unpredictable prospect.

Brazil appear less of a certainty this time around, but are perpetual contenders. Naturally, the Brazilians are not short of talent, with Kaka, Robinho and Gilberto Silva to name a few. A controversial omission is Ronaldinho, who despite lacking form lately is still a world-class player. But coach Dunga stressed he was after team unity, not a collection of egos. If he gets his way and Brazil play as a single unit, they will be formidable.

Seeing an in form Cristiano Ronaldo on the world stage will draw much attention to Portugal. However, there is more to the Portugese than the Real Madrid superstar, they won many of the qualification games without Ronaldo, and the likes of Nani and Deco are dangerous enough in their own right. Portugal have potential to go far, but they find themselves in a very tough group. The Ivory Coast will be confident also, Sharp-shooter Didier Drogba will be the key, but Les Elephants have a wealth of talent, especially in attack. North Korea are the joker in the pack. Filled with virtual unknowns, the North Koreans demonstrated defensive strength in the qualifiers, but lacked goal-scoring hunger. They will frustrate the better adjusted teams.

Result: Brazil will top the group, but will be made to work hard by Portugal and Ivory Coast. Second place will be fall to Portugal, just.


Group H (Spain, Switzerland, Honduras, Chile)
Spain fly into South Africa as hot favourites, but will not underestimate the passionate Chileans and canny Swiss, while Honduras can spring a surprise.

The star-studded Spanish outfit will have the burden of favouritism for the first time ever. Long-considered a dark-horse, Spain have finally assembled a squad bubbling with talent from one end of the pitch to the other. Fernando Torres and David Villa can bang in goals effortlessly, while Cesc Fabregas and Andres Iniesta are a formidable midfield pairing. At the back, Sergio Ramos leads a solid defensive unit and Iker Casillas is one of the world’s best keepers. Spain have the tools to be rightly considered favourites – but must be able to bear the load of expectation and play the football the world is eager to see,

Spain’s group rivals will have already conceded the top spot to La Roja, but will each feel they can rightfully claim the second spot. Any coach will not dare underestimate Switzerland on the pitch. While not a team adorned with big names, the Swiss are a close-knit squad with local hero Alexander Frie leading from the front. Chile are almost the South American equivalent to Switzerland, with added Latin passion. The Chileans will play attacking, opportunistic football, which is just what’s needed to advance in the world’s largest competition. Honduras will be considered the outsiders in this group, but they’ll bring a team geared towards scoring goals and have the talent to cause an upset.

Result: Spain will cruise through – perhaps with a slight scare along the way (which should only help ground them), and Chile will throw everything at Switzerland to claim the other round of 16 berth.


Tournament Predictions:

WINNERS
FAVOURITE: Spain
MY PICK: Holland
NO CHANCE: New Zealand
:
GOLDEN BOOT
FAVOURITE Fernando Torres (ESP)
MY PICK: Miroslav Klose (GER)
NO CHANCE: Ryan Nelson (NZL) (because he’s from New Zealand and a defender)

GOLDEN BALL
FAVOURITE Lionel Messi (ARG)
MY PICK: Andres Iniesta (ESP)
NO CHANCE: Pak Nam Choi

GOLDEN GLOVE
FAVOURITE Gianluigi Buffon (ITA)
MY PICK: Iker Casillas (ESP)
NO CHANCE: Mark Paston (NZL)

FIFA FAIR PLAY AWARD
FAVOURITE Brazil
MY PICK: Holland
NO CHANCE: Italy

MOST ENTERTAINING TEAM
FAVOURITE Brazil
MY PICK: Chile
NO CHANCE: North Korea

SURPRISE PACKET
FAVOURITE South Africa
MY PICK: Portugal
NO CHANCE: North Korea

WORST HAIRCUT
FAVOURITE Bacary Sagna (FRA)
MY PICK: Gervinho (IVO)
NO CHANCE: Matthew Booth (RSA)

FIRST RED CARD
FAVOURITE Wayne Rooney (ENG)
MY PICK: Didier Drogba (IVO)
NO CHANCE: Scott Chipperfield (AUS)

BIGGEST DISAPPOINTMENT
FAVOURITE Argentina
MY PICK: Italy
NO CHANCE: Holland
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Turkish GP Report

June 1st 2010 01:33


After the conspicuous glamour of the Monaco Grand Prix, the teams headed to Turkey to tackle one of the most technical circuits on the calendar. Mark Webber and Red Bull went into the weekend, buoyed from the success of the last two races, but McLaren closed the gap with their F-Duct system working to devastating effect around the high-speed Istanbul raceway. Rain threatened to turn the race upside down, while turn eight threatened to shred tyres – but in the end it was battles within the teams themselves that produced one of the most exciting races so far. Lewis Hamilton and Jenson Button prevailed for McLaren, when the intra-team battle between Mark Webber and Sebastian Vettel ended in tears, gravel and controversy for Red Bull.


McLaren
Lewis Hamilton (1st)

Burnout Boy, international fugitive he may be, was the biggest threat looming in Red Bull’s shadow. He was jumped at the line by Vettel, who had the benefit of a cleaner grid slot, but lurked as an ever-present danger for both Red Bulls – and could even have taken the lead with a more favourable pit strategy. When the Red Bulls locked horns, Hamilton gladly assumed the lead – and managed to fend off a brilliant move from Button, showing their rivals it is possible to race your stablemate without crashing and blaming eachother. Although gifted with the victory – Hamilton had the pace to win regardless – and now finds himself in the thick of the championship race.

Jenson Button (2nd)
Had it not been for the defending champion’s thrilling late race attack on Hamilton for the lead – Button looked to have been put in the shade by him McLaren teammate this weekend. Button lingered in the background, as Webber, Vettel and Hamilton set the pace, and was most likely praying for the rain that never came. Once Red Bull self destructed, Button sent a very clear message to his own teammate that he wasn’t happy being number two. But a second place from fourth on the grid was enough to give Jenson a big smile in the end.


Red Bull
Mark Webber (3rd)

Mark Webber dominated headlines in the lead up to the Turkish Grand Prix, both for his brilliant run of form and speculation over his future, Refusing to make specific comments on either front, the Australian let his driving do the talking by taking a third straight pole. Unlike Spain and Monaco however, Webbs was unable to pull a gap from Vettel and Hamilton, and then, on lap 40, it all came to grief when Vettel sent one up the inside. Webber had just entered fuel saving mode, and therefore was slower than his teammate in the fast sections, and that’s precisely where Vettel pounced. Vettel drafted alongside the sister Red Bull after a strong exit at turn 11. Webber gave only the barest minimum of space to Vettel who was ahead by half a car length, but entering the braking zone the German jinked right into the side of his teammate and sent both careering off the road. Vettel was left stranded but Webber was able to limp back to the pits and rejoin back in third. It was a decent salvage effort for the Aussie, but a third consecutive win was there for the taking had it not been for a high-speed rush of blood from the man in the other end of his garage. Exactly how many Vettel voodoo dolls were set alight by Webber that night is unconfirmed, but sources say it was ‘more than 30’.

Sebastian Vettel (DNF)
The young German’s frustration has been palpable these past few weeks. With no answer to Webber’s speed, Vettel’s broad, toothy grin has been replaced with the look of a man who has just dropped his apple strudel on the ground. Nevertheless, he was back on form in Turkey, and was convinced he had the pace for pole had it not been for an issue with the car in Q3. On Sunday, he crucially put himself ahead of Hamilton, and painted himself in Webber’s mirrors. His opportunity came on lap 40, when Webber de-tuned the engine to begin saving fuel. Seb launched his bid for glory down the inside, but Webber stoutly held his line, leaving the German with the option of braking late on the dirty line, or backing off and taking the usual entry. Seb chose a third option learned from years playing Mario Kart and tried barging his teammate out of the way. Inevitably a collision was the result, and Sebastian was put out of the race. The fallout from this will be huge.


Mercedes
Michael Schumacher (4th)

It was a strong weekend for Schumacher, who is now beginning to consistently outshine Nico. The Schu was a good fit for the Istanbul circuit; it’s fast, technical corners were to the liking of the seven million time world champion. Although only a fraction faster than his young teammate – Schumacher was the leading Mercedes man, and best of the rest behind McLaren and Red “let’s crash into eachother” Bull.

Nico Rosberg (5th)
The dreamboat ran line astern behind his illustrious teammate all weekend. With only thousandths of a second separating the German Mercedes pilots, Nico was relatively satisfied with his performance, despite finishing behind the Schu. Temperamental soft tyres proved tricky for Rosberg in the first stint, but he was happier on the harder rubber and set about nipping at Schumacher’s heels.


Renault
Robert Kubica (6th)

The Pole was not quite undertaking his usual business of slaying giants at Turkey, but he was still strong enough to assert himself as the fastest outside of the ‘big four’ (or the ‘big two’ and slightly-smaller-but-still-bi g-two’ as is more accurate now). Koobs reckoned he had more pace than the Mercedes’ in front of him, but obviously not enough to pass. Still, sixth place and yet more handy points continue to bring joy to the banana squad.

Vitaly Petrov (15th)
The rookie turned in his best performance so far this season – breaking into the top ten in qualifying and then trading blows with the big boys in the race. The Russian’s pace was impressive as he kept himself in contention for points, matching times with his highly-rated teammate Kubica and the Ferraris. Unfortunately, a charging Fernando Alonso was ruthless in his assault on the rookie, and despite putting up a noble defence; Vitaly was passed, and picked up a puncture when the Spaniard bumped through. Although he was denied points, Petrov did manage to salvage some pride, pipping the also-recovering-from-damage-t hankyou-very-much Red Bull of Webber for the fastest lap of the race.


Ferrari
Felipe Massa (7th)

After climbing form his car in parc ferme with a relatively disappointing seventh place Felipe described his race as “boring”. An insightful comment by the Brazilian, and a good sign his English is improving. No word better describes Felipe’s race. Ultimately a dismal day for Ferrari, who are floundering in the wake of their pace setting rivals.

Fernando Alonso (8th)
It was a difficult weekend for Nando. Missing out on the final session of qualifying meant the Spaniard once again had a lot of work on his hands to wrest some sort of result from the mire. He duly put in a feisty effort, fighting his way into the points, even pummelling poor Petrov out of the points along the way. Eighth place behind Renault is a disappointing result for the man who won the opening race of 2010.


Force India
Adrian Sutil (9th)

Sutil was again the dominant Force India. He was a whisker away from another Q3 appearance, but was quick enough on track to chase down and pass Kamui Kobayashi’s miraculously-not-broken Sauber to take some more valuable points for the team.

Tonio Liuzzi (13th)
IThe pressure is beginning to mount on the Italian Stereotype, after another underwhelming weekend. Starting 18th, Tonio trundled home 13th, well off the pace of his point-scoring teammate. He complains that it’s a lack of grip that’s sapping his confidence – a problem he’ll need to sort out urgently as Paul di Resta continues to impress on Fridays.


Sauber
Kamui Kobayashi (DNF)

Both Saubers finished the race. As ridiculous as that statement sounds, it is, in fact true. Kobayashi was finally able to display his talent by again reaching Q3, and then running in the points for the entire race. By the end, turn 8 had shredded his front tyres to the canvas, but he held on and secured the Swiss outfit’s first point of the season.

Pedro de la Rosa (DNF)
Not quite up to speed in qualifying, De la Rosa fared better in the race. The Spaniard did a better job of preserving his tyres than his Japanese teammate, and by the end of the race had caught right up. Obviously after seeing Red Bull squander their victory – Mr Sauber would have been on the radio to his pilots telling them to just bring it home – a tough ask when driving a 2010 Sauber – but they did.


Toro Rosso
Jaime Alguersuari (12th)

Lil’ Algy was a shade quicker than his teammate in the race in Turkey – but the Toro Rossos found themselves competing with Saubers that weren’t exploding within four laps. The Spaniards race pace was impressive – setting the third fastest race lap in the end, but was not able to catch the Saubers in time to challenge for points.

Sebastien Buemi (16th)
The Swiss driver managed a relatively respectable 14th in qualifying, three tenths faster than his ever-improving teammate. But a scrappy first lap spent battling Pedro de la Rosa and then Hulkenberg left Buemi’s car battle-damaged an in need of some early triage. He was never able to recover from there, but still managed to set fifth-fastest race lap.


Williams
Rubens Barrichello (14th)

Woobens had a wobbly weekend with Williams in Turkey. He just wasn’t able to wring enough speed from his car and was thinking wishfully if he wanted points. A woeful catalogue of worries beset the Bwazilian – first with a clutch pwoblem off the line, then a wheely bad issue in the pits, and finally the throttle was unwesponsive in the final stint.

Nico Hulkenberg (17th)
Like his teammate, Nico struggled with a general lack of pace from the Williams. While the car was reliable for the German rookie, the Cosworth power is proving to be insufficient in the faster circuits, allowing the likes of Sauber and Toro Rosso breeze ahead of the Grove cars.


Virgin
Timo Glock (18th)

The German found someone had poured Tarzan’s Grip under his front wheels at the start, and as a result, he found himself behind Senna’s HRT for 18-odd laps. Glockdog eventually nailed the Brazilian and promptly pulled away, setting an encouraging pace for the new team, before his power steering fell asleep and he had to complete the last five laps in only fifth gear.

Lucas Di Grassi(19th)
The popular 1990s Canadian teenage situation comedy struck a number of problems over the weekend, first with a power loss issue on Saturday – then a oil issue an hour before the start had Virgin mechanics diving into the Brazilian’s car to resolve it and make the race. It was a scramble, but they got there – and Di Grassi, now equipped with the updated car with a proper sized fuel tank, came home behind his teammate to deliver a satisfying double finish when rivals Lotus faltered.


HRT
Karun Chandhok (20th)

Starting at the arse end of the grid, Karun was again slower than teammate Bruno Senna. The lack of pace carried over to the race, when the Indian rookie fell off the back of the pack at a concerning rate. He was better on the option tyres, but still dead last. A fuel pump issue a couple of laps from the end ended his race in the pits.

Bruno Senna (DNF).
Bruno was the quicker of the two HRTs all weekend, and was even able to hold his own against the Virgins – outpacing Di Grassi fair and square. Unfortunately a similar fuel-system issue that would hit his teammate a few laps later, ended the Brazilians race. Despite the unreliability, Bruno could at least be emboldened by the tangible increase in pace.


Lotus
Heikki Kovalainen (DNF)

Heikki bolted out of the blocks with some impressive pace at Istanbul. The Finn passed teammate Trulli early on, and was posting times that would have had Toro Rosso and Williams looking over their shoulders. Unfortunately a hydraulics (surprise!) failure put a halt to what was looking to be Heikki and Lotus’s strongest performance yet.

arno Trulli (DNF)
Jarno out-qualified Heikki for a change, but was unable to keep the feisty Finn behind him at the beginning of the Grand Prix. The grape-crushing Italian soon found a strong rhythm and matched his Lotus buddy’s times – but was mauled by the evil hydraulics monster a lap before it claimed Heikki.
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It's a Conspiracy!

May 20th 2010 05:46
Reptilian
Artist's rendering of a reptilian based on witness accounts


Lizard people rule the earth
It’s simple really: everyone wealthy, influential, good-looking or famous is actually an intergalactic reptilian member of an evil secret society, taking human form to assimilate with the population it intends to annihilate. Former Coventry goalkeeper and BBC reporter David Icke dropped this shocking bombshell in the early 1990s and has been on a mission to convince the ‘unawares’ ever since.

Icke revealed that the Royal Family, George Bush, the Rockefellers and Boxcar Willie were just some belonging to the Babylonian Brotherhood, a secret race of shape-shifting dinosaur-like beings, fuelled by intrinsic hatred and a thirst for human blood. He says these creatures take human shape so they can attain positions of power and wealth to fund their diabolical plot – to take over the universe.

Icke’s theory is a novel extension of the ‘elite secret society’ conspiracy that has existed ever since peasantry felt bitter about paying taxes. He shed new light on the well-documented theories surrounding surreptitious organisations like the Illuminati, the New World Order, and the McDonald’s of the conspiracy world - the Freemasons.

The reptilians’ true form has never been captured on film, however by piecing together the several incontrovertible witness accounts, an image takes shape: ‘TAL’ says: “They wore no clothes. But, they did have a "UTILITY BELT…. glow" an electrical blue/greenish color…. And the head was more cone shaped” Herb Sherner of Nebraska reported their: “eyes were the one thing I will never forget... THE PUPIL WENT UP AND DOWN LIKE A SLIT. When they looked at me they stared straight into my eyes. They didn’t blink. It was REAL uncomfortable”. Meanwhile, others report “they had no discernible lips, just straight lines for mouths,” "powerful limbs” and "Iguanodon-like hands.” Jeffery Souza from Brazil even informs us that their blood pressure is “80/50” and their body temperature is “ambient”.

These testimonials form merely part of the damning evidence. Ancient Summerian tablets warn of the ‘Anunnaki’ – beings coming to earth from the heavens, and even cartoons are offering hints. Just watch an episode of Dino Squad for a lesson in reptilian subversion. The irresistibly appealing dinosaur-based plot device is in fact, clever propaganda to instil younger generations with sympathy and awe for their future reptilian masters.

Icke has admitted that the reptilians have been slippery customers when it comes to capturing and documenting, but he explained it is because the cold-blooded ones exist within several ‘sense dimensions’ beyond our measly five. This means they can basically get around and wreak their scaly havoc without leaving any trace. There could well be one standing behind you right now, sizing you up for dinner. Or at least eyeing off your wallet.

Nazis on the Moon
Proof!

Nazis are on the Moon
We all know about the infamous moon landing scandal. Did the US stage the 1969 moon landing in a dingy basement in Arizona? Were Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin daytime TV actors whose agents booked them a lifetime gig? Who knows? What is certain, however, is that someone did land on the moon. His name was Adolf Hitler, and he got there in 1942… where he remains today.

The thing is, the Americans had their little 1969 moon miniseries all wrong. The costumes, scenery, props… everything was far removed from what the moon is really like. Renown moon expert, Vladimir Terziski reveals “man does not need a space suit to walk on the Moon. A pair of jeans, a pullover and sneakers are just about enough.” Essentially, the grey, inhospitable, cratered wasteland NASA told us was the moon was just a way of keeping third world countries from finding out the moon is actually a luxurious oasis in the barren expanses of space.

Terziski went there to investigate the Nazi menace that we all thought was eradicated in 1945, but in fact had relocated to the warm, sunny climes of the moon. He discovered Hitler and his aides have been enjoying a relaxing retirement there ever since, as were some Japanese generals who drove them there in his space-Mitsubishi. It was there Hitler and chums met several alien races, including the malicious reptilian overlord race, to whom Hitler officially delegated his task of widespread genocide. (see above)

Now the Americans and Soviets have also taken out some moon real estate, bringing the moon’s population to around 40,000 happy residents. All hostilities between the three parties seem to have ended. Instead they’re blissfully whittling away their autumn years roaming about in comfy loafers and playing moon shuffleboard.


Chemtrails vs sylphs
The Heavenly battle: glorious sylphs attack the chemtrails

Chemtrails
The ‘Government mind control’ theory is possibly one of the most prevalent paranoias in crackpot circles. There is a general understanding that The Government, being evil and all that, go to unprecedented and extraordinary lengths to trample the flowerbed of morality with impunity and control the minds of its citizens. According to the informed few, the only thing keeping us paying taxes and parking where we’re told to, is The Government’s diabolical mind control technology.

There are several theories about how The Government has managed to reign us all in. Electronic V-Chip implants was one theory popular in the post-war height of freaking out, while more recently barcodes and flu vaccines have been singled out as camouflaged mind control agents. However, one of the most imaginative - and truly ambitious - of the theories is that of chemtrails.

According to the experts, what you or I would wrongly call a streaky cloud or lingering jet exhaust, is in fact residue from government-facilitated mind control chemical spraying operations. Now The Government-compliant meteorologists will try to tell you they are harmless cirrus clouds, but remember, that’s just too convenient. Thankfully, there are several ways you can combat the evil with your very own orgone generator , which will “transmute the atmospheric orgone energy envelope from one polarity ('DOR') which allow chemtrails to persist, to another orgone polarity ('OR') which will cause chemtrails to disperse” Better yet, ancient mystical sky guardians called ‘sylphs’ have entered the battle against chemtrails. These sylphs originally intervened to prevent the Cold War from becoming World War Three, so we know they’re on our side. There is an epic battle between good and evil in the skies; our very lives depend on it. And you all thought they’re clusters of water vapour that occasionally look like elephants…


Abbey Road
Dead man walking (second from left)

Paul McCartney is Dead
By 1966 The Beatles were the global phenomenon. Lava lamps, beards and sit-down protests were widely enjoyed – but The Beatles were unprecedentedly successful - a money-making juggernaut reaching, breaking and exciting hearts in all four corners of the globe. Even sliced bread knew its time was up. It was therefore a setback of biblical proportions when Paul McCartney wrapped his car around a tree and died.

According to learned truth-seekers, the band’s record executives were so anxious about the potential loss of sales a dead band member would have, they decided to find a look-alike with a liverpudlian accent, plonk a bowl cut wig on him and thrust a bass guitar in his hands. Naturally John, George and Ringo completely understood the bold decision and played along. New Paul was to seamlessly slip in and replace Dead Paul, not just as part of the Fab Four, but also in private life.

The story broke into the mainstream in 1969, when rumours of certain clues left behind by the band spread to the airwaves of New York. These clues were direct references to Paul’s death – for instance John Lennon’s parting remarks at the end of Strawberry Field Forever sounded awfully like “I buried Paul,” (though the McCartney impostor would later try to claim Lennon was actually saying “Cranberry Sauce”). More evidence was founds on album covers, for example, on the famous Abbey Road cover, we see John dressed as a clergyman, Ringo dressed as a mourner and George as a grave-digger. Paul, meanwhile, is not wearing shoes and is out of step … just like a zombie would be. Even more cryptic is the St Peppers cover, which seemed to depict a funeral, and if you place a mirror across the words ‘LONELY HEARTS’ on the bass drum, ‘1 ONEI X HE DIE’ appears, with an arrow pointing up to Paul. Coincidence? Dozens think not!

These are but some of the veritable suite of evidence collated by cluey fans over the years. Ringo, the only surviving Beatle, continues to deny the Paul replacement conspiracy – but not even he can explain McCartney’s post-Beatles career with Wings.
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Monaco GP Report

May 18th 2010 03:42


It was a glorious, sunny weekend when the parade hit the harbour of Monaco – the legendarily claustrophobic street circuit paved with Formula One history and glamorous excess While millionaire playboys toyed with jetpacks out in the bay, the teams got down to work, chasing the most treasured of grands prix on the calendar. But it was one team, and one man who reigned supreme. Carrying scintillating form from the week before, Red Bull and Mark Webber claimed their first ever Monte Carlo victory


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Spanish GP Report

May 10th 2010 15:48


The real business of Formula One began last weekend, with a sun-soaked Barcelona circuit kicking off the European leg of the championship. The warm, dry conditions remained all weekend, giving teams a chance to get to work and establish a clear idea of where they sit in the pecking order. In the Spanish sun, Red Bull set an unassailable pace, and Mark Webber put on his invincible gloves and dominated the weekend. Five races down, four different winners – things are getting interesting


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Chinese GP Report

April 19th 2010 02:53


Damp and dreary may have been how some would have described Sunday’s weather in Shanghai, however the grand prix was anything but. Once again rain clouds played a starring role in the race, sprinkling their contents intermittently and demanding all the drivers to keep their wits. It was another race decided by tyre strategy and management, and once again it was defending champion Jenson Button who did it best


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What your font says about you

April 16th 2010 02:21
Communication in the modern age has meant the art of handwriting has eroded to become the sole domain of doctor certificates and birthday cards. Virtually everything you read today was born and raised in the humble, computerised word processor. Be it a letter to the editor, a memo at work or a cryptic message from a serial killer – often it is the font selected by said grumpy citizen, boss or deranged lunatic that tells more than the words to which they give shape.


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Malaysian GP Report

April 7th 2010 04:14


Rain and thunder on Saturday made for a rather topsy turvey grid on Sunday at the ever unpredictable Sepang circuit in Malaysia. Though the expected downpour never came, there was still plenty of action, as the Ferraris and McLarens marched through the field, while Red Bull finally realised their potential and witnessed a thrilling battle between their drivers


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Australian GP Report

March 29th 2010 01:02
Button wins In Australia

An afternoon of changeable conditions and crucial tyre calls on a greasy track dispelled the myth that F1 in 2010 will be boring. Some first corner carnage and some late race battles on the streets of Albert Park in Melbourne made for compelling viewing, while up front, F1’s defending champion took a crucial victory for his new team.

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How to be an indie band

March 19th 2010 03:02


Sarangi
Not music without one of these...
Step 1
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Recent Comments

Comment by ChrisB
on What are you really saying?

January 19th 2010 23:50
No, no researching - im just uncannily good at guessing. Puppy? I included a picture of a walking carpet to emphasise the hairiness of the dog.
I have no idea about over the moon - though if i were to guess i'd say it originated from ancient egyptian high jumpers, whose coaches told them to aim to jump over Yah - the moon god. Close?

Comment by ChrisB
on Advertising vs The Brain

May 28th 2009 06:30
I think you're right, samaritin, that dissatisfaction is a tool exploited by advertisers - but I wouldn't necessarily say advertising is the cause. If it wasn't human nature to want - then advertising wouldn't work in the first place.

In regards to children - that's where the ethical concerns are highest. Educating children about advertising and preventing adverstisers from targetting children for 'pester-power' is something I think is needed.

Comment by ChrisB
on The ten best ever Rock intro's

August 4th 2008 05:51
oh and queens of the stone age - song for the dead

and, one of australia's most underrated bands, and one of my personal favourites - the cops....out of the fridge and into the fire.....glorious!!

find it, listen to it and love it!

Comment by ChrisB
on The ten best ever Rock intro's

July 29th 2008 10:10
muse - new born
that lovely piano score, almost fairy tale-like...then bust out massive on the gee-tar..love it!

Comment by ChrisB
on Underrated: Andrew WK

May 15th 2008 02:54
I remember that one song, wheres he's all party maniacal...decent but it didnt push me towards his album. I always thought of him as up there as on the same level as linkin park - massive nerd appeal but not much talent really. BUT seeing as though your giving him a ringing endorsement, i might check out more of his stuff

Comment by ChrisB
on 10 brilliant ways to piss people off

May 14th 2008 05:33
bahahahaha!
I spilled tea on my lap!
Dog!

Comment by ChrisB
on The Iceman steals the crown

October 23rd 2007 08:38
Hi fog,
Well i doubt McLaren were trying not to win - I think its a case of poor decisions and crumbling under pressure.

As for BMW and Williams, an appeal is underway and Lewis could well be crowned champ via the courts....but several years ago a precedent was set, wherby a team was found running with low-temp fuel and it copped a monetary penalty - not disqualification.

Comment by ChrisB
on Who are Sport's Ultimate Chokers; Named and Shamed

October 22nd 2007 08:42
After the final F1 round it has to be Lewis Hamilton and McLAren.

Such a simple job, but he squandered it first with a dumb move on his teammate, then with a bad strategy.

Yes he did co gearbox issues, but strage how mclarens reliability is bulletproof until just then...someone caused something to go wrong there...

Comment by ChrisB
on 101 things people should be shot for

October 19th 2007 04:13
Michaelie,
Yeah, common grievances. We all suffer.

Dusk,
Using 'one' to address yourself IS annoying!! I hate it, its so pompous! Not calling you pompous of course.

One means no harm...

cheers,
Chris

Comment by ChrisB
on Top 5 Unsexiest Women Ever

October 18th 2007 07:35
Totally agree 100 percent with this

Hilarious!