Chris Champion

Melbourne, Victoria, AUSTRALIA


Joined June 27th 2008

Number of Posts:
818

Number of Comments:
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Karma:
10



Welcome to my private world of whimsy.

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Recent Posts

A healthy fetish

January 31st 2012 00:34
My best friend and I have this in common: we find the purchase of new sports shoes a deeply moving, spiritual experience. For him it's more tennis shoes and for me it's more running shoes, but we have the same awestruck reaction. There is nothing else like it. Being present at the birth of your first child may come close.

The subject came up when I went to the doctor yesterday to check out a small growth on my face. The doctor had a close look but quickly pronounced it safe. ``Completely benign,'' he said, and I relaxed. ``It's an age thing,'' he said, which rather ruined the effect.

He gave me the option of having it removed immediately or later, and then asked how my achilles tendinitis was going. This had been the cause of a visit to his surgery five weeks earlier, and I gave him a brief and grumpy summary of my severely curtailed jogging program. The doctor listened and suggested moving off concrete paths and running on grass, and also considering new shoes.

``Anyway,'' he said, standing to end the visit, ``I'm glad I've been able to deliver good news. As I said, that little growth is nothing to worry about.''

``Who cares about the growth?'' I said, hardly listening while counting on my fingers.

``You're right! It's been almost three years. I'm off to get new running shoes!''



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The chaser

January 27th 2012 22:57
pet dogs greyhounds scratchy larry daisy
Is that a ball I see before me?

DAISY: It is beneath the dignity of greyhounds to chase balls. Like the great Scratchy before me, balls have no interest. One may point to the day Scratchy jumped on a beach ball, bit it, then looked puzzled as it emitted a sigh and collapsed, but this was an exception to the rule. Also one of the funniest things I have ever seen.

No, dear puppies, hear my words: greyhounds do not chase balls. Instead, we chase dreams and wild things. Once upon a time we were trusted friends of Arabian desert princes and chased gazelles and anything which approached our camp in the night. We were fleet of foot and sharp of eye and hearing, protectors of our world.

We are a noble breed, born to elite roles of athleticism. We do not chase balls.

LARRY: I never knew anything could be this much fun. Quick, throw it again.


pet dogs greyhounds scratchy larry daisy
It was a ball, so let me show you what I think of that.
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pet dogs greyhounds scratchy larry daisy

Who is Scratchy?

I asked Daisy but she just got a funny look in her eye and wandered away.

I asked Mollie the Border Collie we pass on our walk every morning but she said she wasn’t ready to talk about it yet.

I asked Frank the Great Dane in the park but he just dropped his tail and told me to ask Daisy.

I need to know because it seems that everything I do reminds someone of something about this Scratchy. When I eat quickly, I’m compared to Scratchy. When I run quickly, I’m compared to Scratchy. Stealing unripe fruit from the peach tree, and consequently throwing up on the sofa, evoke comparisons with Scratchy.

Who the heck is he?

So finally I looked Big Boss in the eye and did the thought transfer thing. Humans don’t know dogs can do this, and it’s not something we do every day, but I’d come to the point where a point had to be made.

So I got Big Boss’s attention and I said, “I’m assuming Scratchy was a former dog you were attached to. Indeed, everyone seems to have been attached to him. That’s fair enough, but you have to stop making me feel like I’m a replacement.

“Stop comparing everything I do to Scratchy. You hearing me, Big Boss? I’m me. I’m Larry. And I’m living in no-dog’s pawsteps.”

I broke the connection and watched as Big Boss’s eyes cleared. Slowly he looked down at me. “Hello Larry, my boy,” he said, and gave me the biggest cuddle I’ve ever had.




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Grumpy old editor: redundancy

January 25th 2012 23:59
george orwell

If it is possible to cut a word out, always cut it out.
George Orwell’s third rule of good writing

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Twinkle toes and the guilt trip

January 24th 2012 11:22
greyhounds daisy larry
Don't call me, I'll call you.

Little Boss used to be a ballet dancer. She was a star, travelling all over the planet dancing famous roles with a world-class ballet company.

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eurogeddon armageddon

Deloitte Access Economics is, in its own words, one of Australia’s most recognised economics advisory practices. It offers policy, regulatory and strategic advice, forecasting and modelling services, and five “highly regarded” publications offering investment, business and economic analysis.

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He who shall be named …

January 22nd 2012 02:44
larry greyhound GAP

Ssshh. If you are going to read this, please don’t tell anyone what I am about to reveal about our new greyhound, Clint.

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Ricky's tricky humour

January 21st 2012 00:02
ricky gervais

I don't understand the whole Golden Globes and Ricky Gervais thing.

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Cyclists, you have been Warned

January 18th 2012 01:14
shane warne
Australian media services are in a frenzy today with follow-ups to the story about Shane Warne having a roadside altercation with a cyclist.

Warne, who has dual A-list celebrity status for services to cricket and services to men's hair, was driving home on Tuesday when he was forced to look annoyed at the antics of a cyclist. Some reports suggest Warne may even have gesticulated


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Alone in the darkest of places

January 17th 2012 02:39
in the dark

I pick up a copy of today’s newspaper and rise from my desk. I hesitate, then reach into my bag and grab my novel as well. With a slightly upset stomach, I may need plenty of reading material.

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Recent Comments

Comment by Chris Champion
on Larry’s Diary: In the shadow of Scratchy

February 4th 2012 01:54

Comment by Chris Champion
on He who shall be named …

February 4th 2012 01:50
Clyde dear,

One can be avuncular and yet a leader of new friends, young friends and special needs friends, such as humans. It's tricky, though. It's best to be avuncular at times and sternly leaderish when necessary.

When you get it right, you find yourself the leader of the pack. It all came pretty easily to me when Scratchy was around. Now that Larry is here, however, I seem to have lost the knack a little. Am I getting old?

Sighs,
Daisy

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Comment by Chris Champion
on The chaser

January 30th 2012 23:00
Heidi, sweetheart, I think we need to have a talk.


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Comment by Chris Champion
on The chaser

January 30th 2012 03:08
I'm with you Rumble. Chasing ball is the bichon frise's knees. It's the staghound's trousers. It's the ant's pants (I pant a lot chasing balls).

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Comment by Chris Champion
on The chaser

January 30th 2012 03:03
Clyde, nah. But Big Boss does a lot of cooking and we get lots of leftovers. He made his own chicken stock last week then gave Daze'n'me heaps of discarded vegetables to go with our kibble. I have to tell you, vegies with have been simmered for several hours with a pile of chicken bones, herbs and seasoning come out all right.

I reckon Big Boss kept the wrong component.


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Comment by Chris Champion
on The chaser

January 30th 2012 02:59
How good are those pictures, Heidi! So much room to run, all those things to smell, so many plants to pee on!

I'm on my way. Do I turn left or right out my gate?

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Comment by Chris Champion
on He who shall be named …

January 30th 2012 02:53
Which big word, Clyde sweetie, "comforting", "positively" or "dedicated"?

Haha, just kidding. "Avuncular" means "like an uncle", in the nicest, most positive way. You know, all warm and safe and secure, like being carried around as a pup by the scruff of the neck.

Makes me doey-eyed thinking about it.


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Comment by Chris Champion
on The chaser

January 28th 2012 09:11
PS Your clothes trolley is about the size of our backyard. I want a backyard like yours!

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Comment by Chris Champion
on The chaser

January 28th 2012 09:10
Heya Heidi,

I can see two white feet on a black grey in that picture, so it must be me and not Daisy. Two questions, however:

1. Who's the bloke and does he want to come to the park in the morning?
2. Why doesn't he throw the ball? (I've been watching him for 10 minutes and he's just standing there!)

Larry

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