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One of the biggest problems in the known universe is the inability of human beings to rise at first light and give dogs their breakfast. It's shocking and sad how many humans fail to understand this.
Especially my Big Boss.
Can you believe that he gets up every day at the same time — which can be defined for the purposes of this blog post as approximately 17 seconds after I whine outside his bedroom door at 6.31am — and, emerging into the Greater Dog World, exhibits the following priorities:
1. He disappears into the small room with the slippery floor.
2. He goes to the other small room with the whirring machine and the bright screen and the clackety board.
3. He goes (finally!) to the food room and — get this — makes food for himself before me.
4. Oh, yeah, and before Daisy.
So, this morning, in desperation, I found a new way of amusing myself while waiting for breakfast. I really enjoyed myself, and I thoroughly recommend this to all of you. I promise your Humans won't be troubled by this. Well, Big Boss wasn't — all he did was grab a camera.
By the way, it's not essential to be colour-coordinated to do this. But it helps if you want to look irresistibly gorgeous in the pictures.
The trial continues of an Australian man who was having sexual intercourse with a woman in a vehicle at a petrol station and who refused to stop having sexual intercourse despite police arriving and requesting him to do so.
The court was told that police indicated from outside the locked vehicle that they wanted the couple to cease having sex. Exactly how the police indicated their requirements was not made clear in media reports of the court case.
The police arrived at the petrol station, the court in Darwin was told today, because the petrol station attendant could see the pair "kissing passionately", and because he could hear loud moaning, and because the woman was "moving in ways that gave the impression the pair was having sexual intercourse''.
It is known that the accused, named as Lionel Mark William Spratt, was asleep for at least some of these events. Spratt's Legal Aid lawyer, Matthew Hubber, told the court that the vehicle, owned by Spratt, was being driven by the woman because Spratt had "been on drugs all day at Litchfield National Park" and was asleep. When the woman had pulled into the petrol station, the lawyer said, she had exited the driver's side, climbed into the passenger's side, and climbed onto the lap of Spratt.
The act of sex had then commenced.
The prosecutor in the case, Scott Tierney, told the court that the police, when they arrived, asked the couple to stop having sex. The couple, however, had not complied, and police had been unable to arrest Spratt, due to the vehicle being locked, until the sex had ended, 27 minutes later.
The case has been adjourned until tomorrow when the Chief Magistrate, Jenny Blokland, will pass sentence.
Northern Territory News
Dear Norm,
We have been inundated here at LettersToNorm with readers' questions about your identity and how you source the material for your blogs at Consumption Malfunction. We have had to delete almost all these queries, of course, to protect the innocent and politicians, but we are proud to be able to present here for your consideration those that remain.
Jean Poole writes:
Can someone tell me if Norm throws darts at newspapers? I had a vision, see – I was in Cubicle 2 of the front bar dunny at my local pub at the time – of Norm tacking individual pages of a broadsheet newspaper to the side of a barn and then throwing darts. Every time a dart landed in the body copy of a story, Norm swore. Every time he hit a headline, however, he did a little dance and wrote it down. It was a funny vision, really, because I could have done with some of that newspaper in Cubicle 2.
Mahatma Sunglasses writes:
Here in Uttarakhand, at the head of the great Ganges River, as the sun sets and I sit to contemplate my evening meal, a passing pigeon shits on my head. I look up, with peace and love in my heart, and say, “WTF?” The pigeon’s answer comes to me on the breeze: “Ask Norm,” he says. Who is Norm please?
Red Currie writes:
Are you people associated with someone called Norm? Can you please tell me who he is? The question has been annoying the hell out of me for days, ever since I was minding my own business, so to speak, in a pub dunny and this guy in the next cubicle kept repeating the name like it was a damn mantra or something.
Nobody grows old merely by living a number of years. We grow old by deserting our ideals. Years may wrinkle the skin, but to give up enthusiasm wrinkles the soul. - Samuel Ullman
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We have in the past advised novice writers against using clichés. There no known excuse to use a cliché, we said. There is no imaginable circumstance in the occupied universe, we advised, that can justify using a cliché.
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All the bosses stayed home on Tuesday because it was Australia Day, which is a celebration of sorts. It’s like Greyhound Day with lots of food and, also, those drinks hoomans like which increases the volume of their speech.
I don’t know what it’s called. Noise juice, perhaps
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My novel, which is developing at the pace of a geriatric glacier on Jupiter, nevertheless provides moments of great satisfaction.
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Dear Norm,
Roman Polanski has been in the news lately, although this is a situation which has arguably been a constant since August, 1969
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Comment by Chris Champion
on Readers' questions
LettersToNorm
moneywhither
Vyoos
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Newly Old
Thank you for the prompt, caring and informative response. We expected no less.